Will I EVER get over him...

[UGH1607307217]

Hi there, I posted a msg last night to kind of vent....but here is the whole story. My ex fiance and I broke up about eight months ago. We were together for a little over five years. He said he hadn't been happy for a while, and ended up cheating on me. Sure we had some issues earlier in the relationship but they were things he couldn't ever move past. At the time that he cheated I thought things were looking up for us, a chance at life to be better together. I had graduated from school and was about a year into my new career, we had bought a house (that was my engagement ring...) I was looking forward to things finally being REALLY good. Didn't happen. When the whole affair started I knew, he denied. It came to a point that he would just leave me at home to go be with her. We live in FL and if you remember we had three hurricanes in a row. Well the day after the first one, no power, trees down, hot weather etc. Just a really bad day...he leaves me at the house to go spend the night with her "because she has AC and power" didn't invite me though. I knew then. It got to a point that he was so obsessed with her that I finally told him about a month later to just go sleep with her and get it out of his system because at this point I was being led to believe that it was just an infatuation. Well he did and come to find out later he had already slept with her. Boy was I stupid!

 

Anyway, eight months later I still find myself crying over him. This relationship he has with this woman is soooo wrong. She is 12 years older than him, she has an 11 year old daughter and she is an alcoholic "a functional alcoholic" he calls her. They went through a period of breaking up and I was there for him. He even posted to this site and I read his post, he briefly mentioned the break up of us but the purpose of his post was his heartbreak over the woman he cheated on me with. That hurt, and it really made me feel worthless. I can't do NC with him because we have three dogs together, they live at his house (our house) they have their own room, doggy door, invisible fence etc. I had to move to a one bedroom apartment and I can't bring three dogs with me. We work different schedules so I stop by and let them out and walk them etc. But it is so hard to get over him when I have all of these constant reminders of what has happened. He says I'm lying when I tell him it would be different if he was with someone else. I'm not lying and I'm certainly not saying it wouldn't be difficult at first, but at least if he found someone new that new person wouldn't be a reminder of everything I have lost to this woman. I tell him that "she has taken everything that was mine" he tells me "she didn't take it, I gave it to her" how am I supposed to feel about that? How can he be so heartless and nonchalant about this? I know he doesn't love me anymore, I know he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I just can't get over him. I can't focus on anything, I try to hang out with friends, go do things...but he is always on my mind. At this point I don't even know if I want him anymore but I just know that I want to be happy and be able to get over this with some mental sanity intact.

 

Sorry this was so long, I'm sure there is a lot more that I could have said...but I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone has had this situation.

 

Thanks a lot.

[chai714]

I can't do NC with him because we have three dogs together, they live at his house (our house) they have their own room, doggy door, invisible fence etc....I tell him that "she has taken everything that was mine" he tells me "she didn't take it, I gave it to her" how am I supposed to feel about that? How can he be so heartless and nonchalant about this? I know he doesn't love me anymore, I know he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I just can't get over him. I can't focus on anything, I try to hang out with friends, go do things...but he is always on my mind. At this point I don't even know if I want him anymore but I just know that I want to be happy and be able to get over this with some mental sanity intact.

 

You CAN do NC with him. In this case, you should either get an apt. that can take the dogs, or find somewhere else for them to live. You can't keep ties with him just because he has your dogs. You staying in contact with him is hurting you more than it's helping you. So, find another place for the dogs ASAP if you can.

 

Don't blame the other woman by saying she "took everything that was yours." It's partially her fault, but more your ex. He decided to cheat, and you actually condoned his behavior by not ending things when you knew he was cheating. What does this tell him? That it's ok to walk all over you. Don't you think you deserve better?

 

Breaking up is never easy, but he has done you wrong every which way. Leaving you during the hurricanes should be reason enough to leave him. Cheating on you is another. It doesn't matter what the lady does - whether she's an alcoholic, drug addict, or whatever...bottom line is that your ex has no respect for you whatsoever. Cut ties with him now and you'll be much better off. I guarantee it.

[RayKay]

I second everything Chai just said above. He is bang on about the NC, laying blame where most deserved (not saying she was RIGHT to get involved with him, but he is even more deserving of the blame and fault), and about fact your ex is definitely not a guy that you need to be around/with. Trust me there are guys out there who would not cheat and who respect and love their woman!

 

You can definitely get over him, but you need to start going about it the right way and stop holding yourself back by keeping this contact with him through the dogs. While I am not fond of NC, if a person cheats I don't think they DESERVE to talk to you anymore personally. Work on finding a new place for the dogs, and focus on moving on from this guy. It really does not matter whom he is with now, personally I think they just inherited your past problem and left you free to find the love you deserve.

 

You will heal, you will move on, you will be better in the end.

[Hope75]

Agreed with the other posters.

 

So long as you are spending time at your previous home together taking out your dogs you will be reminded every time you are there of what you lost. It's like picking the scab off a wound every day, of course it will never heal.

 

Your best bet is to have him hire someone to take the dogs out and relieve you of this duty, or you move somewhere where you can have the dogs. Right now the dogs are your excuse not to let him go and move on. I'm sure you love them, I have a dog I love very much, but if you are going to be able to heal from this relationship and move on with your life, the dogs either need to come with you, or you need to make them his responsibility and have him find someone else to take care of them during the day.

 

He cheated on you and left you for another woman, and now's he's got his just deserts. Now it's your turn to get your just deserts, and get out of his life for good so that you can move on.

 

Good luck.

[UGH1607307217]

Thanks guys,

 

I know what I need to do...youve told me all the things that I know. The bad thing is...just last Thurs or Friday, WE decided that I needed a break from visiting the dogs @ the house and thereforeeee giving myself two full weeks to a month of NC to I dont know, clear my head. Well then here comes the guilt trip..."Im here with them every night" which he knows is BS, or something happens...two of the dogs got in a fight the other night, one got a pretty nasty boo boo Im a nurse of course I have to make sure my dog is ok. He takes advantage of me and I am well aware of this, we are talking about splitting them up and one will come live with me, I just have to be firm and set the ground rules that I will take care of the bubba that I have and he will have to figure out something with his schedule to be home for the other two at an acceptable hour...I just dont want them to be neglected or to suffer for anything. That would break my heart to know that they are suffering in their own home, rather than to find good homes for them myself.

 

Have a great night everyone!