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Best friend acting as if you don’t exist


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Hello all,


I’ve been a bit upset about the actions of my “best friend” the last week or so but haven’t addressed it yet and need some un biased opinions to weigh in.


We’ve been best friends for three years. In April she invited my boyfriend and I️ to go to Hawaii the same week she had to be there for a wedding. She told us what days to go and the hotel her boyfriend and her were staying so that we could book at the same place.


We both arrived late Thursday and the wedding she was in was on Monday. We spent Friday together and did a luau, come Saturday we spent about half the day together (my boyfriend and I️ and her boyfriend and her) around 3:00 some other friends had landed that were also there for the wedding so she hurried out of lunch to get to their hotel to see them. Her boyfriend invited us along but we declined because we didn’t want to intrude. After seeing her Saturday she basically acted as if we weren’t in the same hotel same city for the rest of the week. On Sunday morning though she called and woke us up at 6:30 am asking for a ride to drop off the mopeds they had rented. Other than that she didn’t attempt to see us or even say goodbye. My boyfriend and I️ had already imagined that we wouldn’t spend much time with them because of the wedding but to not hear from her as soon as other friends arrived was pretty shocking to me. This is someone who I️ spend majority of the day communicating with when I️ say Best friend I️ mean it. I️ gave some distance over the week and just said to let me know if they had anytime to hang out. The only times ive heard from her since was asking a favor or texting about an opinion on her make up clothing etc all stuff related to her. We left the day before them, she didn’t text to have a safe flight or even attempt to say bye to us. I️ texted her the next day saying happy birthday and to have a safe flight she didn’t respond until hours later and it seemed she only responded because she had a question about the rental car service we used.


I️ haven’t said anything and am unsure if I️ should but I feel incredibly hurt and lost some respect for her over the weekend. It felt like I️ only mattered when she didn’t have something better to do or when she needed a favor or wanted to talk about herself.


Any advice? Do I️ have a right to feel this way or am I️ being sensitive? I’m debating on trying to talk to her about it but this isn’t the first time that our friendship has been one sided and I can’t help but feel that maybe she’s just a selfish person.

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Hiya Maddy , yeah I think you do have reason to feel like that ...thank goodness you went with your boyfriend , god only knows who it would have been like had you gone alone . To not even say goodbye when she was leaving ..wow ..it does seem exactly as you said ..once her other friends were there , she didn't need you anymore .

I think you have every right to talk to her about this .

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I never label anyone as a "best friend" because in my experience, many friendships go through phases or can totally fade away due to life changes or when one or both grow apart and veer toward other friendships.


To play devil's advocate, let's look at how she might think, that a day and a half was a good amount of time to spend with you, and that she has other friends as well, and then it was time to spend time with them, and then the rest of her time was spent on pre-wedding and wedding day obligations. She may have assumed you and your boyfriend were independent enough to have fun the rest of the time in paradise without her constant presence.


Sounds like you two have different expectations about how the friendship should be. Maybe it's time for you to stop the intensity of how it's been until now. Since you say it's sometimes one-sided, maybe she feels smothered and is pulling away. If you've let other friendships slide during the last 3 years, maybe it's time to reestablish the friendships or find a few other friends.


Sometimes it's painful when things change, but change is inevitable with life on planet Earth.

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XY chromosomes reporting in.


I mean I suppose she could have done the friendly thing and wished you a safe flight, but it's up to you to weigh that against your three years of best-friendship and how much of a stink you'd like to raise.


Other than that, I'd say her biggest mistake was making the suggestion for you to go. And, if you weren't banking on you and your boyfriend fending for yourselves, your mistake was accepting the suggestion. She had her own commitments going on, and a particularly big one if she was participating in the wedding. I think it's understandable, even after the wedding, that you'd be put on the backburner. Plus, it does sound like she did give you some decent face time under the circumstances anyhow.


"OMG gurl I'm gonna be in Hawaii for a wedding, you should totally go so we can hang out on the beach" is a pretty great idea that I think most of us might have come to mind for a split second, but had both she and you gone a bit further and thought realistically how demanding and exhausting it would be to juggle friendship circles and the responsibilities before, during, and after the wedding, you'd have known better to maybe say, "Hey, that sounds great but we're gonna be a bit busy. Let us know how you like the hotel and maybe we can work out a couples vacation soon!"


Again, she floundered it a bit in the courtesy department, but I can't imagine the larger reason for your being upset was her overall unavailability. Just chalk it up to it just in general not being the greatest idea. And, really, I might have more sympathy had it just been you and she had you come out to Nowheresville, Iowa. But you were with your guy... in Hawaii. You don't even have to make lemons into lemonade in that situation. You had a pitcher sitting right there.

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I️ think a huge part of my frustration is that from the beginning I️ had said that we probably wouldn’t be spending much time together because of her wedding but she insisted that we would and tried planning things to do together and then when it came down to it all of that went out the window. I️ still had a great time in Hawaii it’s more that she basically stopped even communicating the second more people came around.

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