Does this ever get any better?

[MelissaQ]

Hi!

 

I've been hesitating quite a lot whether I should make a thread about this.. So here it goes.

 

My ex boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with my almost two months ago.. To keep the story short: He cheated on me and two weeks ago I found out he was still dating her, and even spent TWO weekends with her during the last weeks of our relationship. His reason for the cheating was that his feelings had died a long time ago.. He didn't even communicate with me about his feelings??? So this is such a shock..

 

So now what...

 

The worst thing you can do during a breakup is keeping contact. What did I do? Yes.. I kept contact with him (not too much, but still did). Even after I found out everything.. Whenever I felt desperate I texted him impulsively, and regretting it afterwards. Cause I always hear something I didn't want to know.. But what happened was, that while texting him, my anger slipt away quietly. As if my 'feelings' for him dominated again.

The last time we had contact he was being really harsh and told me to shut up about the breakup and deal with it that it's done.

 

And now.. I am a complete mess again.. I have a feeling I am worse than in the beginning. I am crying my face off for the last 5 days and I don't have a feeling this is going away anytime soon. I think what triggered it is that he was so harsh and basically told me to back off.. and now I feel ashamed that I didn't keep up with my anger. It feels like I'm finally aware that he's never going to be around anymore.. And this is the worst feeling ever. I miss him so much, it's literally beyond words. Why do I miss someone who treated me badly at the end? Lied to me?

 

A little background information about our relationship. Before we dated, he was already my bestfriend. So in our relationship he was my super bestfriend. We did so much together.. share so many great memories.. my friends and family LOVED him. But also, we had fights. Sometimes really big ones. I also had my doubts because we didn't really want the same things in the future and he wasn't really ambitious. He also was a gym freak, so he spent a lot of time in the gym and making that priority instead of me.. But still, he was my BEST friend and didn't want to lose him!!

 

It's making me so insecure that his feelings for me vanished and he cheated.. In the beginning of our break-up talk he said he wanted to have someone who is less insecure and more independent. I am insecure, I know. I really have a feeling I pushed him away with my insecurities.. and that's why he cheated. He even said that he thought I wasn't that attractive anymore (I gained weight in this relationship). That hurts so much.. But then he said he didn't mean it, that he only said it because he was angry..

 

There are a lot of emotions going on right now.. I am grieving, but I also feel VERY insecure and that kills me. What does the other woman have, what I don't have? I saw a picture of her and she's definitely more attractive than I am.. And now I feel that he thinks I wasn't attractive enough for him, so he looked that in someone else.. I know that, because I don't really get a lot of attention from other boys, and he did get a lot of attention from other girls. I am beating myself up with thoughts that I could've made things better; going to the gym, being less dramatic, dress up sexy for him (he really liked it, but I never really did that..).

 

The last thing he said through text is that his feelings are completely gone and he sees me as a friend and wouldn't even get jealous if another boy would kiss me.. Guys this is such an unbearable feeling.. I feel like I'm thrown away so easily.. I'm feeling so unnattractive and unwanted.. I thought he was the love of my life and even pictured our wedding and kids together.. I miss him SO SO much! Even after all the he put me through.. I am living in this nostalgic world where everything was still so good and lovely.. and that hurts so much when I think of it.. He reminds me of everything.. A lot of songs, restaurants, parks etc..

 

What should I do? Does this get any better? Will I stop thinking about him? Stop missing him? Because I don't see the light of the tunnel anytime soon.. Everytime I'm thinking about him and the other girl being together and it stabs me in the heart..

 

I stopped texting him after the last harsh text.. But I secretly want to let him know how devastated I am..

 

I am looking for distraction, but everything feels weird and he is ALWAYS on my mind and I can't enjoy anything anymore, because he was always my favorite person to hang out with...

[fabact]

You need to block his number and go NC asap. I mean like yesterday. You need to take him off your social media and just forget his exists. And I would seek therapy. Do not try to find closure with him. You'll have to do that part on your own.

[kctiger]

You described at least two of the five stages of grief in your story. Step one, as the other poster pointed out, is just stop contacting him. The biggest issue in all of this is your lack of self value and self esteem. That is not something he or anyone else can fix. It's something that has to be worked on via taking aggressive and positive steps towards improving your own self image. You are hurt after being cheated on and that is completely understandable. Let yourself grieve not only the breakup, but the unbearable feeling of being cheated on. It takes time and two months is nothing. You've done a really good job of laying out some of your own admitted flaws. Focus on fixing those ONCE you've allowed yourself some time to properly grieve this loss and achieve some clarity. That's important. Flush the emotions out for awhile and don't feel like it's wasted time. It is a necessary process. Once you have grieved, let's get to work on your insecurities as that is extremely important before you even think about starting another relationship. And please don't blame yourself for his actions. Unfortunately, those who've been cheated on fall into a self destructive thought process of believing it's always their fault, which erodes any self confidence they may achieve. He didn't cheat on you because of something you did. He cheated on you because he made a conscious choice to sleep with someone else while in a committed relationship. That's on him, not you. If he can't even own that, he isn't a man. Does it get better? Of course!! But it's not an overnight process.

[Pto29538]

If the things in this post that he said to you are any reflex of his he spoke to you during the relationship then I do not blame you for being insecure . He cheated on you . He is not a nice person and may do the same to his new woman down the line . He was your friend and partner . You did not deserve this treatment . Don’t feel guilty for the things you didn’t do in the relationship. Dressing up or going to the gym or doing a few things differently would only postpone the inevitable . Yes this girl may look more attract but we are all unique . She may not have other fabulous qualities and attributes that you have so do not compare yourself to her . And yes it will get better not today and not next week but one day you will find that you cried a bit less or you might have laughed at something small or enjoyed something even a small bit. This will gradually grow but it will take time and a lot of time but some day you wlll look back at this and realise it was just one chapter in your life

[MelissaQ]

He always slightly complained that he only slept with two girls... and that feeling got stronger as the feelings for me decreased.. But he said that if he was still in love, he wouldn't have cheated on me.. And that's why I'm beating myself up with if I could make it easier or more attractive for him.. But yeah maybe the urge of experiencing with more girls would always be there and maybe only postponed the breakup..

 

But also I don't get it Till the last bit of the relationship he told me that we would last together.. getting married.. that he would never leave me..

[Pto29538]

He always slightly complained that he only slept with two girls... and that feeling got stronger as the feelings for me decreased.. But he said that if he was still in love, he wouldn't have cheated on me.. And that's why I'm beating myself up with if I could make it easier or more attractive for him.. But yeah maybe the urge of experiencing with more girls would always be there and maybe only postponed the breakup..

 

But also I don't get it Till the last bit of the relationship he told me that we would last together.. getting married.. that he would never leave me..

 

I’m sure there was a part of him that wanted you to last and part of him believed those things . However there was a part of him that wanted out as well clearly . Don’t blame yourself for him cheating . You shouldn’t have to spend your time in a relationship doing things to prevent your man cheating . The fact he can cheat is a reflection of him and his idea of respect and his to treat someone you are committed to .

[MelissaQ]

Yes... But even though he cheated I miss him sooo much. It feels like I can't move forward without him.. or feel happy without him.. Feels like I was so committed, that I didn't take into account that things would end between us. It's like I got my future with him all planned out

[MelissaQ]

You described at least two of the five stages of grief in your story. Step one, as the other poster pointed out, is just stop contacting him. The biggest issue in all of this is your lack of self value and self esteem. That is not something he or anyone else can fix. It's something that has to be worked on via taking aggressive and positive steps towards improving your own self image. You are hurt after being cheated on and that is completely understandable. Let yourself grieve not only the breakup, but the unbearable feeling of being cheated on. It takes time and two months is nothing. You've done a really good job of laying out some of your own admitted flaws. Focus on fixing those ONCE you've allowed yourself some time to properly grieve this loss and achieve some clarity. That's important. Flush the emotions out for awhile and don't feel like it's wasted time. It is a necessary process. Once you have grieved, let's get to work on your insecurities as that is extremely important before you even think about starting another relationship. And please don't blame yourself for his actions. Unfortunately, those who've been cheated on fall into a self destructive thought process of believing it's always their fault, which erodes any self confidence they may achieve. He didn't cheat on you because of something you did. He cheated on you because he made a conscious choice to sleep with someone else while in a committed relationship. That's on him, not you. If he can't even own that, he isn't a man. Does it get better? Of course!! But it's not an overnight process.

 

Thank you! Yes I am actually thinking about going into therapy. It goes way deeper than the breakup.. And it will probably help me getting a more positive self image, and stop negative/destructive thinking

[Pto29538]

Yes... But even though he cheated I miss him sooo much. It feels like I can't move forward without him.. or feel happy without him.. Feels like I was so committed, that I didn't take into account that things would end between us. It's like I got my future with him all planned out

 

Yes of course you will still miss him . Even if he did cheat you had a relationship with him and as you said had built your future around him . This will be a new phase of your life where you slowly rebuild your life without him . Of course you didn’t think things were ever going to end . Most people in good relationships don’t . This will be a difficult time for you but you will get through it little by little

[sicx]

I'm going in with a big message here because while mine & your breakup situations were different, the way you're feeling is exactly how i feel now.

 

You're right about keeping contact after a breakup, I also did the same and it never works, the feelings get too strong and too intense even if you try to force them not too. Any feelings that get laid on the line from your end are either met with false hope, or in your case, coldness.

 

Don't be ashamed you didnt keep your anger up, some people are more mellow than others, once again i'm the same, I tried to stay angry at my ex (for reasons I wont go into) but give it a day and i've completely calmed down and the pain arrives. It's just some people are different than others.

I can't disagree with you, coming to terms with the fact your best friend will no longer be with you is utterly devastating, i'm dealing with that now and the thought of no longer being with them and trying to erase memories and places from your mind you two created together is horrible, totally horrible.

 

And now I feel that he thinks I wasn't attractive enough for him, so he looked that in someone else.. I know that, because I don't really get a lot of attention from other boys, and he did get a lot of attention from other girls

 

Ha, yeah once again im starting to think that about my situation too. My ex, near the end of our relationship, was getting no end of attention from guys and it bugged the hell out of me, she's now starting dating other people and i'm here alone, struggling to really meet anyone at all.

The fact is, we are who we are, DO NOT compare yourself to this new girl. Don't even look at her, block him from everything because even un-following is not enough, you WILL look at some point and I can guarantee this because i've done it myself and, if I wasn't blocked on everything now, I would do it again. It doesn't do you any favours at all, you gain nothing and it makes you feel horrendous.

 

Grieve the relationship & grieve the loss of your best friend because you need too, you've lost someone incredibly important to you and so have I. But they are no longer the people we once loved. It's truly, truly heartbreaking to come to terms with this, but it has to be done.

Of course you feel betrayed and angry at what he's done, you should feel angry. But I wouldn't doubt what he felt for you and (maybe) still does. You cannot erase feelings for someone after 3 and a half years, you just can't. But the fact is now, his feelings have changed and as much as you desperately want things to be back to normal and to have a future with him, he doesn't want that.

 

It does get better, I know this too because before I was teased and 'dumped' by my ex for the second time, I started to get over her. I never, ever thought I would, she was my world and without a doubt my best friend, no question. I loved her more than anything and I miss her everyday, but the feelings become less and less over time, and time is your friend here.

Like everyone else, I highly recommend going a full NC, block / delete on everything, don't look even if the need becomes so strong that's all you want to do. Remember what he did to you and how it made you feel.

 

Keep busy, the more you occupy your mind the more you won't think about him. Even if it starts off slow, a few hours a day of doing something that takes all your concentration, it's time not thinking about your ex - gradually this will increase until the thoughts are barely there.

But give it time, this all takes time, but just know i'm right here with you and i'm feeling exactly the same pain you are. The thought of being without my best friend is devastating, and the thought of someone else having them makes me feel ill, I won't lie. But we will get through this, and we will be stronger when we do.

[MelissaQ]

Thank you for your message! I think it's one of the hardest things I'll ever face.. And on a rainy day as today I feel more depressed and unproductive than ever.. I have no idea how this is getting better anytime soon Sometimes there is still a fraction of a second that he still my boyfriend.. but then being faced with the horrible reality that he isn't.. It's 'nice' to see that I am not alone.. I am curious how we are going to be in a few months