Stuck

[confusedgirl72]

Hey all,

 

So back in September this guy who was a mutual friend of both me and my close friends approached me and asked me for coffee. I quickly got the impression he was into me - he called me beautiful, showed interest in hanging out with me, etc. That first week that he was pursuing me, we ended up seeing each other 3 times. A friend of ours had invited us over for a get together and then the next day I had a party with my friends at our house and he was invited. He asked to kiss me on our friend's hangout and the next day at my party things got a little more physical. We didn't have sex, but we came really close and I was a little worried I had let it go too far and given him the wrong idea about the pace I was willing to go at.

 

He seemed considerate though, because he messaged me after those occurrences, saying that he hoped he hadn't pushed things too far and that he wouldn't want me to be upset. I appreciated his apology and told him this - I also made it clear that for me, personally, I wasn't really into looking for just hookups if that's what he was into. But he said that he wasn't into doing that either, and he had just gotten a little carried away. I then asked him whether he wants to continue to get to know me on a dating level, and he said for sure he was, and I was happy of course.

 

However, throughout all of this I did detect some red flags: for instance, he was very charming, almost a little too charming, and there was something cold about him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but since I've had experiences with emotionally unavailable/men with narcissistic characteristics, I was sure to beware of these signals, but didn't want to judge too quickly either as I don't want to just label people without getting to know them more. We texted the next week a lot, and he asked what my schedule was like - it seemed we had highly conflicting schedules but we agreed we were willing to try and work around them. We ended up going for a date the week after and he took me out to dinner and a movie. I thought it was really nice a part from a few awkward moments, but I mostly thought those awkward moments were a product of the natural nervousness that comes along with beginning to date. For the most part, we had a lot to talk about and he drove me home at the end of the night, and he kissed me lots and said he would see me soon.

 

The next week rolls around and he's not texting as much - I'm definitely getting strange vibes. I knew he was a busy guy though so I thought maybe since the school year was progressing he might have more stuff going on, which he was actually complaining about being caught up with. Despite being ticked off slightly, I did let it slide. I asked him that week whether there was anytime he would like to meet up and then he said he was super busy, but he would let me know when he was free. There were still texts being sent and flirty things being said - he was keeping it up but the weekend one week after our date he officially stopped texting me. He ghosted me for a week.

 

It was awkward too, because since we were part of the same group of friends, it was highly likely we would run into each other, which we did on the third day he ghosted me and he actually pulled up a chair beside me in the group we were in but didn't say a word to me. It was the weirdest thing - I wasn't speaking either but obviously I had a reason to be ticked off. He left and said goodbye and I think he looked at me to see if I would say anything but I didn't want to communicate to him that I was okay with that kind of treatment that he had given me, so I looked sternly ahead.

 

Later that week, we were invited to another one of our friend's get togethers - he was there, he still hadn't texted me, but I decided that I wanted to enjoy my night and act like he hadn't bothered me at all, so I just went up to him and said hi and was friendly and not phased. This plan quickly dwindled though because I did care, and the night was progressing and he still wasn't trying to approach me to explain himself in any way, and I could also tell he was pretty much trying to avoid me, where as in the past, he would be all over me practically. It didn't feel nice, but finally at the end of the night on the way walking back to my house, he asked if he could talk to me.

 

He asked how I was, and I explained truthfully that I was pretty angry. He basically apologized fully and wholeheartedly, saying that he was an and that he was sorry for doing that to me. He said he had just realized that his life had gotten a lot more complicated recently - apparently some stuff with his family that he didn't want to get into as well as the fact that his work and school schedule was getting unmanageable. He also said that if he continued to pursue me, he wanted to give me 100% of his attention because he felt I deserved that, and he said that at this point in his life, he's unable to give it. I couldn't really argue with any of that and didn't want to, because its true that I want to put myself first too and have someone put as much into something as I'm giving to them. So that was fair, but I did explain to him that it would have been way more appropriate for him to text earlier instead of leaving me in the dark for a week. And he agreed, saying that for some reason he couldn't bring himself to text me that he felt that way.

 

He said he thought I was beautiful still, liked my personality, etc., made me feel kind of like it was just the bad timing of his life that brought him to stop what we were doing. Ever since, I've run into him at a few get togethers here and there and it's been strange. At one get together, he sat directly beside me and even "accidentally" brushed my hand - we also sort of flirted throughout that night. It could well have been accidental but it just seemed to strange with the way it happened and how slow the hand brush was too. At another get together though, he barely looked at me and I had trouble getting a word out of him when I walked passed him to say hi or bye. The only time I got any attention from him was when I went outside with another guy friend of mine, and came back inside and caught him looking at me - again, that could have just been happenstance that he heard someone come in and looked to see me, but I'm pretty good at sensing vibes, and there definitely seemed to be some jealous there.

 

On top of this though, despite the fact that he said his life is super rough and stuff, he does hangout with people at school still and he even seems to be hanging out more with this one girl - I think she's probably just in his classes a lot, but it seems like maybe he's latching on to that and maybe everything he said to me was bull, I don't know.

 

Basically, I know I should stop thinking about all of this and just let it go, because the fact that this whole stuff has only happened over the last couple of months and it messes with my mind this much sometimes means it's unhealthy for me. Plus he did say he wasn't available for me in the way I need, and I don't even know if I really liked him! I barely got to know him. Something in me keeps hanging on to these questions though: does he really like me but actually is just going through tough things in his life that he doesn't want people to be brought into? If so, would it be weird if I still tried to be his friend and see how he was doing in a couple of months? Is he completely bullting and using sympathetic means to actually just be a player and go for other people? I know these are answers I'll never fully get but I guess getting some perspective on this situation would be nice.

 

I'm sounding desperate, but I'm actually fine with being on my own. It was just exciting to have something like this happen and he did seem so smart and so attractive, yet I did sense red flags. But part of me feels like I'd be missing out if I just totally abandoned ship. Thoughts? (woops @ my incredibly long novel)

[DanZee]

I think he lost interest for some reason. I wouldn't let it get to you. Ask other guys out!

[DancingFool]

The novel boils down to he is not that into you and that's that.

All the rest is just him trying to let you down easy, it's not you it's me, kind of a thing.

Don't waste any more of your time on him.