Worried, hurt and confused.

[asianbabtgirl]

This is going to be long and difficult.

 

Yesterday, my soon to be ex and I are on a break. He said he's mentally checked out of the relationship because we have been fighting so much. We both don't have a mutual understanding of each other when it comes down to communicating.

 

It started out as something small. I have a huge OCD problem about people not letting me know plans few days prior. He had a sudden dinner with his coworkers and I was told last minute. Being very immature and childish, I ignored him for a day.

 

The next day rolled over, he had texted me early morning asking if I was awake. I said I've been awake for awhile. He asked why haven't I texted him and I said because I was still bothered but I am okay. He told me he felt a very monotonous vibe from me when I had said I got over the problem and that I had apologized. He blew it out of proportion and kept blowing up my phone saying that I drove him nuts and that I was being unreasonable. I stood up for myself and said I wasn't being unreasonable. The tension became more and more difficult to handle. He was constantly texting me and aid things that know it'll hurt. I had blocked him off social media and calls. He reciprocated back and took down our pictures on instagram and proceeded to block me as well.

 

The next day was Thursday. I had gone out with my friends and he had texted me asking if I had his house keys and would like to pick them up on Friday. I had told him how I felt that I was heart broken because the time we blocked each other on social media, he texted me the following day saying he doesn't care for my forgiveness and understanding and that he doesn't care. And so I went on his instagram and saw that he had posted a topless photo of himself in preparing to label himself as single and I haven't done anything of some sort to do that to him. As I went out with my friends, I had left early to text him at night. I apologized for my behavior and that I wanted to talk to him. He was still angry and kept resisting and pushed me away as I was trying to talk to him. I asked if I had hurt him and he said yes. I told him that I am sorry for hurting you and that you needs to communicate to me if I had hurt him.

 

Friday rolled by, he came to pick his keys up. I told him that instagram post of you essentially half naked hurt me and would appreciate him taking it down. I told him how hurt I was and was angry at him because all I ever wanted from him was him to be mine. He said he still loves me. But is unsure if pursuing the relationship is worth it. But he will talk to me Saturday. He came by after work for his keys and picked them up. He asked if I can give him a hug. I said yes. He held me for so long and tight it felt so much better. We both left to do our thing and that's when I had messed up last night because of my emotions. I drunk texted him left him 90 messages and 3 voicemails saying that I hope you have fun cheating. Then he said don't talk to me anymore.

 

Woke up and saw my texts, in immediate regret I had visited the following morning to apologize. I talked to him calmly as he was bursting into flames. He then stopped and said come over here on the bed and asked to have me lay next to him. We had sex and he said let's take things slow. I said maybe to take two weeks off of no talking and to recuperate from everything that has been happening starting Monday. Both of us wanted to spend time together sunday and saturday. I went out on saturday and avoided drinking and he went out as well. Sunday rolled on by. We both slept together again.

 

I asked him waking up if he still wants this relationship. He said he doesn't know but still loves me. I asked if he's mentally checked out on us and he said yes because of the fighting thats been going on. I told him maybe you should break up with me and leave. It took him 10 minute to muster up the courage to break up with me and he finally said that's it. I packed my things and as I did, he cried and I gave him a hug. Then a hug turned into sex again. We both did not think it was a good idea. He said he still needs time to think about our relationship and I said lets not talk for a month just so that we can reset and work on ourselves. We can't date other people during the time. He said that was fine. He then texted me the following night and said that he hoped I got home safe and will keep his promise to me and loves me.

 

I'm so confused as to where this break is going. He says he loves me but doesn't know what to feel anymore because he mentally checked out. He held me for so long on Sunday and laid in bed with me. He just doesn't know what to do. I don't know if this is early to determine if he wants to pursue this relationship. I asked him why he has stayed and it was because he has never felt so loved by someone before. Any leads anyone? Is there a chance or should I just move on and not waste time.

[rosephase]

What a mess.

 

How old are both of you?

 

From what you've written it seems like neither of you are ready to be in a long term committed relationship. Your OCD is out of control if you need to control people around you to feel okay. That is your issue. And it's your job to take care of it. You can't expect a partner to live their life dictated by your issue. It's okay to ask for support. It's okay to ask for help. But you can't control his life because it makes you uncomfortable. Making plans the day of a thing is something people have to do.

 

You call yourself childish in this post. You chose to make a fight out of it. You acted passive aggressively and then just aggressively when you got drunk. And then you both had horrible boundaries around sex. That isn't how people act in healthy relationships. It sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do and I don't think a month is going to change that. Take a year or two. Learn to treat yourself with respect and the people around you as autonomous. Learn to take responsibility for your own needs. And figure out how to function with your OCD in a way that doesn't involve controlling the people around you.

[DancingFool]

"It started out as something small. I have a huge OCD problem about people not letting me know plans few days prior. He had a sudden dinner with his coworkers and I was told last minute. Being very immature and childish, I ignored him for a day."

 

This isn't small and until you understand that, all your relationships will end up the same way. What he did was normal life, your reaction was a serious problem of the kind most people will not tolerate even once. As if the above wasn't bad enough, you refused to apologize to him, which showed him yet again that you will take zero responsibility for your bad behavior. Of course he is checked out and burnt out no doubt. I wouldn't hold my breath about you and him getting back together. I think you need to get real help with your OCD and lack of conflict resolution skills. This is on you, not him.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the above posts: this wasn't a small issue that triggered all of this.

 

Your insecurity is yours to deal with. Punishing your boyfriend by giving him the silent treatment after an unscheduled dinner with coworkers is immature and toxic. The real world doesn't work that way and he certainly doesn't deserve the treatment he received for it. Unless you two had already made plans that night and he bailed, I cannot fathom why him having dinner with colleagues upset you to that extent. He is right to have seriously questioned the viability of the relationship over that, particularly if that was a pattern with you. Nobody wants to live like that.

 

It spiraled further downward, yes, and I am sure he's not perfect. But you very clearly have some emotional issues that you project onto him. Leaving 90 messages is downright disturbing, drunk and emotional or otherwise. I would be completely creeped out by that, girl.

 

You two did not work together. You should also not have had sex. But what's done is done. It seems that he indeed does care about you, but is very exhausted and repelled by all of this. I think he is likely going to be gone for good, simply because there is so much damage already done. Please use this as a lesson and a turning point, so you can start getting a handle on your anxiety and insecurity.