Ghosted in LTR

[progprof2017]

Quick story-

 

We were together for 14 months. We clicked on everything- interests, values, work ethic, etc. We inspired each other. We were planning on doing business together, even. We always had a good time together, and never had a disagreement. He was struggling with his new business, and I always gave him time and space to deal with that. We went on vacation together and had a great time. A few days after that, he was here planning my birthday with me, then poof! He stopped communicating with me. That was hell on earth for me, seeing him check my messages but not responding. But after a month of this, I decided I had enough.

 

I took control of the situation. I messaged him that it's obvious he wanted to end things, but was unable to do it. That I couldn't date someone who thinks it's ok to shut off and disappear. That I deserve better. Basically, I broke up with him. Of course that got a response! lol! He apologised, told me I was the best partner he ever had, admitted he was a coward, agreed that I deserve better. He never told me WHY he behaved that way though, or why he wanted to break up... and I guess it doesn't matter. We agreed to meet in person, to say goodbye properly, and of course he hasn't followed through on that. I don't think he can face me- he wouldn't be able to suppress his guilt if he saw me.

 

Then I went NC, apart from mailing his belongings back to him (no note, and even before he could request). I didn't beg, cry, plead, or bargain with him. I was calm, respectful, and clear (even though inside I was torn up). It soon dawned on me that after 14 months together, I didn't really know him that well. He kept everything so secret. I knew nothing about his dating history (except little hints he'd drop now and then), I never met any of his friends, knew nothing of his childhood, and he rarely discussed his feelings. Hello! Emotional unavailability!!!

 

It has now been 2.5 months since he disappeared, and six weeks NC. So, why does it still hurt sometimes? I'm finding it difficult to let it all go, to forgive him, and to move on completely. I've made progress, but I still sometimes question WHY he did this. I know this is actually about HIS issues, and not anything I did... so, how long until I internalize that fact and let it go? Does anyone have any insight on this?

[SweetGirl28]

The "why" doesn't matter, because he will most likely lie about it anyway.

He is a coward. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

 

It hurts because you had a LTR and he left you confused and with no closure.

Emotional immaturity and not wanting to hurt someone, or avoiding conflict is an easy way out

for the one doing the ghosting. They just discard you and hold no regard for the wreckage they left behind.

Know you deserve a man who treats you with respect and holds you in higher regard than an ant under his shoe.

[ThatwasThen]

I think I would have been questioning him after 6 months of exclusive dating as to why I was not being introduced to his friends and family.

 

You had been to his house and knew where he worked, been mentioned on his facebook page as being in a relationship with you etc, right?

[progprof2017]

I had been to his place once (when his brother was out). I had also visited his work place. He's gay and closeted, so I didn't expect to meet his family. We never connected on social media, really. Yeah- all kinds of red flags there! lol! I should have questioned that.

[ThatwasThen]

I had been to his place once (when his brother was out). I had also visited his work place. He's gay and closeted, so I didn't expect to meet his family. We never connected on social media, really. Yeah- all kinds of red flags there! lol! I should have questioned that.

Well, it's easier to see when you're no longer in the thick of it but yes, there were a few red flags I saw in what you wrote in your opening post.

 

Sorry he turned out to be such a douche. Don't question why he did it because he probably did it because he is not ready to come out of the closet and things were getting too serious for him to be able to keep up the pretense of being a straight man.

 

Just look after yourself next time and if things are looking serious be sure that all the serious things that go along with a commitment are in place which includes, of course, meeting family and friends and spending as much time as his place as your own. You can forgive yourself by learning the lesson in that he didn't include you in on his life at all so that is a good reason for YOU to chuck him.

 

Feel better soon.

[progprof2017]

@ThatwasThen You're absolutely right! He's too used to living a compartmentalized life- keeping his real self hidden, and lying to those around him. I live openly and honestly- authentically. A part of me knows that our relationship went about as far as it could, without him coming out. Plus, given his emotional unavailability, it would always be a struggle to feel close to him. Today I will focus on the fact that it's better that things ended NOW, rather than later, when I had invested even more into him.

[ThatwasThen]

@ThatwasThen You're absolutely right! He's too used to living a compartmentalized life- keeping his real self hidden, and lying to those around him. I live openly and honestly- authentically. A part of me knows that our relationship went about as far as it could, without him coming out. Plus, given his emotional unavailability, it would always be a struggle to feel close to him. Today I will focus on the fact that it's better that things ended NOW, rather than later, when I had invested even more into him.

Good attitude, progprof. Set your sights on someone like yourself who isn't hiding and will be proud to introduce you to friends and family.

 

Cheers!

[Pto29538]

The only part I can relate to is the breaking up by text and not getting a breakup conversation or closure after 10 month relationship. I had met the friends family etc so it was different and I would have considered us very close but again he had this cold and selfish part to him that when he wanted to split up it was done on his terms and it didn’t matter if he hurt. Even the manner it was done . I question my judgement and I don’t know if I will be able to trust anyone again as I find it difficult to see any red flags to know he would have been capable of doing it this way . He treated me with respect during the relationship so how could he have changed . Maybe I just didn’t know him as well as I thought I did

[Silverbirch]

i think it's about him being gay and closeted. I would be almost 100% on that. Of course this is also why you didn't meet his family and friends.

[ThatwasThen]

The only part I can relate to is the breaking up by text and not getting a breakup conversation or closure after 10 month relationship. I had met the friends family etc so it was different and I would have considered us very close but again he had this cold and selfish part to him that when he wanted to split up it was done on his terms and it didn’t matter if he hurt. Even the manner it was done . I question my judgement and I don’t know if I will be able to trust anyone again as I find it difficult to see any red flags to know he would have been capable of doing it this way . He treated me with respect during the relationship so how could he have changed . Maybe I just didn’t know him as well as I thought I did

I'm sorry but do you have your own thread that we could comment on your problem on? If you do you can link us to it and we will comment there.

[gijeanie]

I hate ghosting. It's the cowards way out so they don't have to deal with anything. I connected with this guy. We really seemed great. He was so into me. Things seemed so perfect. After 3 months out of no where he ghosted me. Granted we were not in a committed relationship but it still hurt.

 

I never met his friends, family, and he wouldn't add me to Facebook. He kept his social media accounts private which I thought was odd. A week later a girl on his Facebook page changed her profile picture to them together. People were commenting saying they made a cute couple and they couldn't wait to meet him.

 

I think they started dating while we were talking then the day we were supposed to hookup he ghosted. It might have been guilt or a game I'm not sure.

 

Ghosting is not about you. It's about them. Sorry you went through this. No one deserves to be ghosted.

[progprof2017]

A lot of the time, their behaviour changes towards the end because they're trying to convince themselves that what they're doing is the right thing. They may not be certain they even want to break up, but by treating you coldly they can get some negative response out of you, which they can then use to fuel or support their decision.

[progprof2017]

@gijeanie Yes!!!!!! It's so cowardly! I try to think of it as HIM showing me who he really is- his immaturity, fear of intimacy / commitment, emotional unavailability, etc. These are things I suspected, but he just confirmed them for me. I remember 9 months in, I told him that I love him- and the look of fear that flashed across his face briefly.... wow! Talk about a red flag!

[gijeanie]

It hurt right after. I'm not going to lie. Mine came without warning. I just got busy, deleted everything that reminded me of him, and started spending time with friends. Just stay busy. I also joined some online dating sites. It's hard because you miss them but it does get better. I've decided to be a better person. I thought about all the mean things I could do but decided to take the high road instead. Just remember it's his loss. That's what I tell myself. The best revenge is moving on.

[progprof2017]

@gijeanie I did the same thing. He clearly was expecting me to fall to pieces, beg, get angry, etc. I did the opposite. I called him on his BS, broke up with him, and went No Contact (without making any accusations, no asking questions, and no emotional outbursts). I even sent his things back, neatly packed and with no note, before he could even ask. I'm sure my calm, blase reaction has taken him by surprise and caused him a great deal of self-doubt. Good! lol!!!! But of course, I went through all the emotional upset- I just didn't let him see it. It still hurts, but I can function and even enjoy myself. I just carry the sorrow with me, without letting it shut me down. I'm sure on some level he knows it's HIS loss.

 

You're doing great! And you're right- the best revenge is moving on.