How to know if he is still attracted to me

[PersonOne]

So i posted before about my boyfriend of 6/7 months having pictures of woman on his phone from random sites. We have spoken about things and nearly finished due to some 'issues' that we both have. This was some what resolved because neither of us wanted to break up, we decided that i needed to be more understanding about him needing some of his own space and that he is constantly dealing with things (He has two children and is currently in the process of trying to see them as the mother wont let him) which i understand and he agreed that he has been distant towards me.

 

Since that conversation last things that he had said have played on my mind. nothing major just me over thinking! so my question is how can i tell if he is still attracted to me.. He still is on his phone alot but not as much as before and we have been intimate since then but its almost felt half arsed on his part. I had an extremely hard week at work last week and had to deal with police ect and i have been feeling really sensitive since then and probably felt extra needy but i just dont know how to tell right now if i should still be trying as hard as i am to make things work between us or if i am just fighting a lost cause here.

 

Not sure if im looking for answers here that cant be answered or i just want to speak to people and get other views on this. Both from females on if theyv felt the same in a relationship and what they did and also from males.. If it was you acting this way would it be because you don't want to be with the person anymore or just having a hard time at the moment?

[Harrowdown]

Do you mean physically attracted? If you have to initiate intimacy most of the time then he probably isn't that attracted to you.

 

If you mean emotionally then he would've kept in touch more often, asking about your day/week. Sharing with him your hard week would've come naturally then.

[PersonOne]

Well i mean he obviously has been asking how i am, we do usually talk during the day when we are at work via messaging. I think i mean physically attracted to me.. It sort of feels as though i am making more of the moves than he is but it has always been a little bit like that... but we dont sleep together as much now as we did at the beginning but i cant tell if thats because hes not as attracted to me as he was or just that he has more on his mind now than he did back then.

 

I dont want to give up on us because he is an amazing guy and when we get along everything is amazing it just feels like hes maybe lost interest in me slightly and im not sure what to do to get it back.

[Harrowdown]

You're probably overthinking it. His sex drive could be lower for so many reasons.

 

You can ask for all the advice in the world but ultimately you'll just have to talk to him about it.

[j.man]

A lack of intimacy is almost always a symptom of an issue rather than an issue in and of itself. Too often people make the mistake of isolating it, though. Fact is if you two have gone through a recent rough patch, he's going through the trouble of being able to simply see his own children, and you're undergoing your own stresses, addressing physical attraction and enthusiasm in bed is probably the least constructive path to take. What you're doing isn't uncommon. It's essentially throwing a Hail Mary, hoping for an ounce of validation through sex despite the plethora of other issues.

 

In your last thread, you described "practically living with him" after a handful of months. How often are you staying over now? Have you allowed both of you the space it sounds like you both need? If his ex is legitimately withholding the kids from him, I don't think you're going to be a significant emotional priority until it's resolved, and I think that's as it should be. I'd say the best course of action would be to take a huge step back, if not out of the picture completely, while he emotionally and (hopefully) legally navigates the issue of seeing his kids again.

[PersonOne]

Well i am living with him although i do still have my own place. After our conversation last we had decided that i should spend more time at my place... which although i was extremely upset about it i thought it was a good idea, so last monday after work i went to his and got somethings packed and ready to go but id said i would see him after work before i left. so he came home and i made us a tea, sat down and he looked really upset so we spoke and he said that he didn't know if he was just being self destructive and he couldnt give a reason for his recent distance and mood changes towards me as i haven't done anything to cause it. He said he didnt know if i should go as we had both said it would be hard to work on things and be apart.. mainly because our work lives are both so busy and our free time during the week can be very hit and miss. So he said he didnt want me to go.. he got very upset and i said i didnt want to either but we both had to make a proper effort to fix things. Last week i had plans in the evening to give him some space although i had abit of a tramatic day at work so cancelled them. we had a really nice weekend together although i still felt some distance on his part.

 

Although i would usually agree a massive step back till things are sorted with his children it is going to take a minimum of 1.5 years for that to be resolved.

[Andrina]

Is this really your dream man? Someone who gets off by leering at random women on his phone? From how you word your post, by asking what's going on with him instead of the fact that your needs aren't being met, it speaks of a low self worth on your part. You should think of yourself as the treasure, and if a man doesn't meet your needs, it means you two are either incompatible, or that you should ask for what you want, and if he cares, he will want to please you. If he doesn't care, it's time to move on.

 

If you don't feel attractive to a partner, then you're not being loved as you should be. You are worthy of being with someone who is crazy about you. Hold out for someone who makes you feel like the most cherished person in the world. Otherwise, you're settling.

[DancingFool]

Since you both have so much work/life stress on your respective plates, consider spending more quality time rather than quantity time. Better to plan something fun and relaxing for the weekend rather than try to squeeze in a stress filled evening during the week kind of a thing. I'd also suggest that before you worry about sex, you both need to get back to simply enjoying each others company without pressure for anything more or getting into discussions and arguments with each other.

 

You know he is legitimately stressed out so try and be supportive instead of turning this all into "pay attention to me" drama.

[PersonOne]

Thats what i would like to do but he does have a habit of sometimes not wanting to open up and talk to me about things or sometimes even just have a conversation with me. When we had our chat last week something he did say was that he felt like the spark had gone between us but he didnt know why... but he wanted to work on things together and try and rekindle it back. Hence why me thinking does that mean hes no longer attracted to me

 

It is very hard because i was on my own for so long before i met him and the first 5 months of our relationship where perfect, i got exactly what i needed and wanted from him but for some reason things have just changed. Im not the type of woman to just give up on someone or a relationship when times get hard, i will do anything and everything i can to fix things. and it isnt just that i dont want to be alone again but more that i do see a future with him... or at least i did before things changed so much

[DancingFool]

When you are pretty much living together so fast plus you have so many other life stresses, the combination will kill the spark so to speak. It doesn't mean that he is no longer attracted to you. It likely does mean that you two moved way too fast and are way too much in each others space too soon. The quantity time spent together lost its quality and now the two of you are just getting on each others nerves. It stopped being fun.

 

I'd also say that you really really need to rein in your insecurities because they are coming out as neediness and it's bad timing to get needy. When he is stressed with his children and work and ex wife issues and trying to sort all that out, you demanding attention and getting needy is just adding to his stress. He can't get rid of his ex or children or job, but he can remove you and thus have less stress quite fast. Don't sabotage yourself like that.

 

Look at stepping back as a positive. Go do your own stuff during the week. Go out with your friends. Come weekend, suggest something fun for the two of you to do. Take some initiative in planning that. In short, be the fun self assured, independent woman you were when you first met.

[PersonOne]

I think your properly right i guess i just worry that taking a step back will split us up and i wouldnt like that to happen. I guess situations like this just arent easy.. it was so easy at first to spend all our time together and it just didnt feel at all wrong or like this would happen

[DancingFool]

I think your properly right i guess i just worry that taking a step back will split us up and i wouldnt like that to happen. I guess situations like this just arent easy.. it was so easy at first to spend all our time together and it just didnt feel at all wrong or like this would happen

 

Why would spending quality fun time split you up?

[PersonOne]

I mean if i was to move out... we would likely only see each other at the weekend

[DancingFool]

I mean if i was to move out... we would likely only see each other at the weekend

 

That's kind of the point though isn't it? That you both get back to having a life, hobbies, friends, so when you get together on the weekend, you have actually had a chance to miss each other, you have things to share, stories to tell, you have FUN plans and aren't just sitting around boring each other to death whining about your bad day at work. Clinging doesn't bring the spark back, it suffocates it, so do the opposite of clinging.

[PersonOne]

I understand... i think its just scary to take that big of a step back

[PersonOne]

I think i had kind of hoped that by doing more things together might help bring the spark back but i guess the only way to attempt to do that would be to spend more time away from him and hope it works

[Mira223]

If you question his attraction to you then he's probably not attracted. That doesn't mean you're any less attractive than you used to be, it just happens sometimes that the attraction slowly fades. You guys either revive things or just break it off.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't make a dramatic deal about spending more time in your own place. Suffocation is not a good way to help a relationship. Respecting a need for autonomy and focusing on family, friends and other aspects of your own life that you may have been neglecting allows room for partner to do the same, and that's not a threat to a good relationship.