Looking for advice

[pumpkinhead83]

Hello all,

 

I'm in a relationship with my fiancée for about 2 years and a half now. We are mid 30s. We've been living together for over a year, and beginning this year our relationship has turned a bit sour from my point of view.

Everything started to go downhill after Xmas last year when I asked to pack one of the gifts I got (which she did not like) to our bag before flying back to Ireland. That day I was busy with preparations and last family meal so she said she would take care of the baggage. I remember seeing my gift was outside the bag and I asked 3 times to "please don't forget to pack it". She didn't. Before we left home I decided not to pack it because I was afraid she would feel upset.

After we came back I felt depressed because I could not understand her actions (not packing my gift) and I wondered if somehow she wanted to control my life. So one morning she confronted me and asked me what was wrong with me, and I opened up by saying "I'm not too sure to what extent you want to control my life" and those words left her fuming, raised her voice asking what else I had inside I had not said.

She later said I hurt her for accusing her of controlling my life. Repeatedly telling me "look at what you've done, look at what you've done". However, I truly meant what I said above, that "I was not sure" I was confused at the time. But she doesn't see it in the same way.

The consequence of that event, which caused me a good deal of distress, is that nowadays I'm afraid of opening up to her because she either gets defensive or attacks back to me. Fast-forward 11 months and these are few examples:

 

- She would do my lunchboxes, I complained I put up 1 stone and I don't want to keep gaining weight so I politely asked if I could have less food, less meat, etc. She said because she cooks them I should not open my mouth, and before I met her I was underweight (which is true) and she has helped to look more healthy. To all of these I agreed but my point that I can't keep gaining weight did not get across. She won't let me do my own lunch boxes because according to her own words "I cannot be trusted".

 

- Sometimes she would ask me to change clothes I'm wearing because they look "tedious". I don't understand any of this.

 

- Once day watching a TV show where they were talking about our most important people in our lives she asked me who was the most important person of my life. I naturally replied that my mom for all the things she did for me and went thru in order to raise me (I come from a abusive father family background and mom had to put up with a lot). She did not take it well, saying what was the point then of 2 people having a relationship. That statement hurt me.

 

- I never mentioned this word to her but I think she can be manipulative. During XMas she bought an expensive perfume to my mom and she decided I would give it to her while not in front of my brother and her wife. Her reasons were that they did not have to know about it so they did not feel hurt. She asked me to give the present myself and I felt manipulated. Did not tell her how I felt about this.

 

- When I bought the engagement ring she was gutted the diamond was too small and the fact I had a budget. Thing is, I did not buy the first ring I came across, I did research and I did not buy the cheapest money can get. I bought the ring based on a design (something she would like) and budget (I'm a firm believer love cannot be expressed by buying expensive things). She spent 3 days talking very little and conceded the diamond was too small, she could not get over it. She went on to say that I will be judged by her family because the ring expresses I don't value her a lot. She then wanted to reach a compromise saying that she would feel more happy if the wedding band was more than a basic band. I cannot express here how bad I felt those 3 days, I did not get much sleep and in fact felt physical pain on my chest one night. I felt once again manipulated to give her what she wanted. At this point I was seriously considering breaking up with her because that shows a massive difference in personal values.

 

- Later on this week she addressed me in a patronizing voice. I went quiet and she quizzed me, so I decided to just tell her I did not like the tone of her voice, and the fact I was being patronized for an opinion on a topic not related to us. She brushed off this as nonsense, saying I'm overthinking things, making things bigger than what they are. So this was this week and right now I feel I've seen enough.

 

As you can see I've built lots of resentment inside, I think I've tried to talk to her already but we are not moving forward.

 

I'm an EU expat living in Ireland and I don't have family support or anybody to talk to. I feel paralyzed, I live in her house so if we broke up I would need to find myself accommodation elsewhere. I have the fear I might not find a decent place to live short-term. My gut feeling tells me I should walk away now before I commit to forming a family with her, I realized people cannot change and I honestly believe I tried to talk things thru but I keep feeling the same unhappiness.

 

Please advise.

[pippy longstocking]

The whole gift thing read a bit strange to me , was it just an accident ..anyway whatever it was , I wouldn't have thought that was a sign of control .. if it had been that alone , but the rest of it doesn't make good reading .

 

I am probably the worst person here to comment on engagement rings and weddings because I find ( no offense to anyone ) expensive jewelry vulgar , I have never been one of those women who has had dreams and wedding day fantasies and the older I have got , the more I value what true love ..with out the frills ..actually is ...if I thought my life partner was stood by my side , I would marry him in a ditch with a ring of daisies . However this doesn't mean every woman has to give up her dream of what she thinks is her perfect . However your g/friend sounds ungrateful and materialistic ..to say she can't get over the size of the diamond is pretty shabby in my world mate .

 

As for the rest of it ...well sometimes we take on a parenting role with a partner ..I am guilty of doing the mothering bit ...I have had to say to myself more then once ..you are his g/friend not his mother ...so I conclude she is either mothering you or is indeed trying to control your life ... I would strongly suggest making your own pack up for work and take away the opportunity for her to dictate what she feels is right for you .

 

I am always saying this on here , but deep down it is obvious you have a gut feeling this is not right for you , so you need to explore this seriously and follow whatever it is that is telling you something is amiss . Be true to what you want out of life .

[DanZee]

Well, it's not unusual for a girl to want her boyfriend to look better, such as criticizing clothing choices and fattening him up, but it sounds like she is beginning to try to control you and your life. It's bordering on emotional abuse territory, and things will only get worse when you get married. You have to stand up for yourself and define your boundaries, such as telling her you want less food for lunch and telling her you're just going to throw the extra food away if she keeps giving you the same amount.

 

Like Pippy, I would like to know what this "gift" was and why she hated it. Was it clothing she didn't like? And guys will never, ever win the jewelry game. It's always best to bring the girl with you when you buy expensive jewelry and let her decide what she wants based on how much money you have to spend. Be prepared to go a little higher, but stand your ground because it's your money. Hey, she can always put in a little of her own money if she wants a better ring. The perfume story is very weird and I see that as purely a controlling situation. You have to tell her, no, you're not going to do it that way.

 

You didn't talk about the differences in "personal values," and depending on what that means, that might really be what breaks you two up.

 

You certainly have to do some soul searching to decide whether to break up or not. If there are some things in your relationship that are deal breakers, you should break up now before you wind up unhappy and married.

[tattoobunnie]

Weren't you trying to control her by asking to her pack your gift 3 times? It was your gift. You pack it. Regardless if you were making food. So accusing her that she wants to control you is kind of out there with this incident. At most I say, lazy on her end there.

 

Pack your own lunch. She's not your mom.

 

And never hurts to update your wardrobe.

 

She bought your mom perfume, and asked you to give it to your mom without making a big show about it; how is this a problem?

 

My grandparents heckled my dad for buying my mom a tiny sized engagement ring, and so he got her a 2 karat ring, and they've been married for 50 years, happily. Maybe she wanted some input on her ring, that she has to wear forever and give to her own kids one day. She has to wear you, you don't.

 

I think you jump the gun and assume a lot of things, and let it build up and up till you start exploding. If something doesn't make sense to you, or seems odd, say something. Don't squirrel it away. But also try to give her the benefit of a doubt first. Ask to clarify. The fact you jump into "she wants to control me," or "she's manipulated" tells me you have a past with issues you haven't not worked out that have nothing to do with her. I mean this respectfully; you have baggage that you has warped your perspective. It might help to start journaling. And start piping up. Don't feel silly clarifying things with your future wife, right then and there. Don't let it build.

[ThatwasThen]

No matter who is trying to control who (I think its six of one, half a dozen of another) if you marry this women you will end up like WC Fields being brow beat by the battle axe wife (which is what the majority of his films are about).

 

I suggest you do some research on boarding houses and get yourself a room temporarily and once you find one, leave her and don't look back.

 

BTW: Its a given that you wasted your money on any kind of ring for an ungrateful shrew but it's hers now so write that off as a loss.

 

Next women you get with instead of arguing with her about her packing too much food for your lunch and won't "allow" you to make your own, just throw out what you think is overabundant.

 

Good luck in your new life as a single man.

[pumpkinhead83]

Weren't you trying to control her by asking to her pack your gift 3 times? It was your gift. You pack it. Regardless if you were making food. So accusing her that she wants to control you is kind of out there with this incident. At most I say, lazy on her end there.

 

I think you jump the gun and assume a lot of things, and let it build up and up till you start exploding. If something doesn't make sense to you, or seems odd, say something. Don't squirrel it away. But also try to give her the benefit of a doubt first. Ask to clarify. The fact you jump into "she wants to control me," or "she's manipulated" tells me you have a past with issues you haven't not worked out that have nothing to do with her. I mean this respectfully; you have baggage that you has warped your perspective. It might help to start journaling. And start piping up. Don't feel silly clarifying things with your future wife, right then and there. Don't let it build.

 

Hi, I appreciate your frank words.

 

I see there's confusion about the gift episode so I'm going to explain it by detail.

 

The gift in question was a videogame retroconsole. She does not like videogames and made me aware of it in the past. I'm fine with that as I stopped playing videogames long ago. So this was a XMas present from my brother, totally unexpected on my side, and made me feel excited like a kid because it brought me memories of the first console myself and my brother got. There was a sense of connectedness to this present, memories shared between me and my brother. That's why this unassuming gift was so important to me.

Right, so the following day we had to take a flight back to Ireland. And we agreed she would pack the bag while I was cooking lunch for everyone, we split up tasks that busy morning. I approached her once and I said "Oh by the way, I have the console in that bag, please don't forget to pack it" to what she replied "I'm not packing that thing". And she laughed off, I did not make much of it, I thought she was taking the piss and went back to the kitchen.

Anyway, I'm finished with cooking and go over to let her know lunch is ready. I see all bags are packed and the console is not there, I asked again "why is the console not there? Then she replies back "The console? we are not taking that thing to Ireland". Well we were not alone in the house so we had to have lunch with my family, and I did not pursue this issue further.

 

I guess I wanted to avoid having an argument, and from the feedback I gather I surely have been spineless about this? That I should have taken it with me before leaving?

Fair enough. On my defense I would say that above all I wanted to avoid having an argument. But the consequences of no taking action were much worse than if I had taken the console with me. I now believe from there on she thought I could play to her tune any time she wanted and I did let that happen. It was my fault.

What I wanted to figure out from people here is if that my statement "I'm not sure to what extent you want to control my life" sounds right given the context I explained above. That was how I felt.

 

I've spoken to her yesterday by the way, it is not the first time we sit down to discuss problems between us. Her point of view is that I keep things inside for long, that I do sleep over simmering feelings, instead of speaking up my mind. To that I agreed with her, that I would keep a diary where I would write down things that bother me. I'm not just giving up, it's just hard to see what's right or wrong when inside.

 

Thanks once again.

[tattoobunnie]

The hugest reason why I was able to get from a good to great relationship which became marriage was because I also ask questions, listen, and not assume the worse, and really think about what I was feeling, and letting it sink in (not simmer) before I might say something very cruel and unfit for what was really going on, and time to cool down, and really think what I need and what was bothering me, and then address it.

 

Communication is the issue here; as much as we think we know how to talk and listen, that inner voice where we assume everything is bad really musses you up. If you see her as your life partner, never ever be afraid to ask her what happened, or what they meant by something they said or did. But don't just ambush, and let it fester, then lash out. That helps no one, including you.

 

Do not be afraid to confront things head on; the right person can take the heat in your kitchen; just always remember to come from a place of love though, and you won't come off as an a-hole.