pumpkinhead83 Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Hello all, I'm in a relationship with my fiancée for about 2 years and a half now. We are mid 30s. We've been living together for over a year, and beginning this year our relationship has turned a bit sour from my point of view. Everything started to go downhill after Xmas last year when I asked to pack one of the gifts I got (which she did not like) to our bag before flying back to Ireland. That day I was busy with preparations and last family meal so she said she would take care of the baggage. I remember seeing my gift was outside the bag and I asked 3 times to "please don't forget to pack it". She didn't. Before we left home I decided not to pack it because I was afraid she would feel upset. After we came back I felt depressed because I could not understand her actions (not packing my gift) and I wondered if somehow she wanted to control my life. So one morning she confronted me and asked me what was wrong with me, and I opened up by saying "I'm not too sure to what extent you want to control my life" and those words left her fuming, raised her voice asking what else I had inside I had not said. She later said I hurt her for accusing her of controlling my life. Repeatedly telling me "look at what you've done, look at what you've done". However, I truly meant what I said above, that "I was not sure" I was confused at the time. But she doesn't see it in the same way. The consequence of that event, which caused me a good deal of distress, is that nowadays I'm afraid of opening up to her because she either gets defensive or attacks back to me. Fast-forward 11 months and these are few examples: - She would do my lunchboxes, I complained I put up 1 stone and I don't want to keep gaining weight so I politely asked if I could have less food, less meat, etc. She said because she cooks them I should not open my mouth, and before I met her I was underweight (which is true) and she has helped to look more healthy. To all of these I agreed but my point that I can't keep gaining weight did not get across. She won't let me do my own lunch boxes because according to her own words "I cannot be trusted". - Sometimes she would ask me to change clothes I'm wearing because they look "tedious". I don't understand any of this. - Once day watching a TV show where they were talking about our most important people in our lives she asked me who was the most important person of my life. I naturally replied that my mom for all the things she did for me and went thru in order to raise me (I come from a abusive father family background and mom had to put up with a lot). She did not take it well, saying what was the point then of 2 people having a relationship. That statement hurt me. - I never mentioned this word to her but I think she can be manipulative. During XMas she bought an expensive perfume to my mom and she decided I would give it to her while not in front of my brother and her wife. Her reasons were that they did not have to know about it so they did not feel hurt. She asked me to give the present myself and I felt manipulated. Did not tell her how I felt about this. - When I bought the engagement ring she was gutted the diamond was too small and the fact I had a budget. Thing is, I did not buy the first ring I came across, I did research and I did not buy the cheapest money can get. I bought the ring based on a design (something she would like) and budget (I'm a firm believer love cannot be expressed by buying expensive things). She spent 3 days talking very little and conceded the diamond was too small, she could not get over it. She went on to say that I will be judged by her family because the ring expresses I don't value her a lot. She then wanted to reach a compromise saying that she would feel more happy if the wedding band was more than a basic band. I cannot express here how bad I felt those 3 days, I did not get much sleep and in fact felt physical pain on my chest one night. I felt once again manipulated to give her what she wanted. At this point I was seriously considering breaking up with her because that shows a massive difference in personal values. - Later on this week she addressed me in a patronizing voice. I went quiet and she quizzed me, so I decided to just tell her I did not like the tone of her voice, and the fact I was being patronized for an opinion on a topic not related to us. She brushed off this as nonsense, saying I'm overthinking things, making things bigger than what they are. So this was this week and right now I feel I've seen enough. As you can see I've built lots of resentment inside, I think I've tried to talk to her already but we are not moving forward. I'm an EU expat living in Ireland and I don't have family support or anybody to talk to. I feel paralyzed, I live in her house so if we broke up I would need to find myself accommodation elsewhere. I have the fear I might not find a decent place to live short-term. My gut feeling tells me I should walk away now before I commit to forming a family with her, I realized people cannot change and I honestly believe I tried to talk things thru but I keep feeling the same unhappiness. Please advise. Link to comment
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