Contact from him after 5 months.

[Cluelessny]

I know we’re supposed to be nc but he kept coming up as a friend suggestion on fb and finally on Friday I inboxed him and said “hey”. He responded with a “lol hey” I didn’t know what to think. This was the moment I’ve wanted for the past 5 months. I didn’t even know how to feel. I was happy but also wasn’t sure if it was really him writing to me or his wife (yep he’s married). You can read my story on my page. So we messaged back and forth for a while (still while being skeptical) and he said he was in Chicago and flying back to NY. He was gonna call me when he got off the plane and he did. We spoke off and on that night (this past Friday). He said he’s been thinking about me and missed me and wanted to see me. I asked him about his wife and they’re still together. He asked me if I was involved and I said yes. He said “you’re not supposed to be with anyone but me”. The nerve of him! Anyway we spoke and he wants to stay in contact but I’m not sure how to handle this because I do miss him. I made it clear I didn’t want to deal with him in that way because of what he did to me and that he is married. He said he would text me. I must say that I was happy to hear from him but didn’t feel anything as far as my emotions go. I find myself wanted to talk to him. I know this can’t be good but I’m torn. I just wanted to give you guys an update. For people who think you’ll never have contact with the ex, it happens when you least expect it. I never expected to hear from him again.

[Elavohra]

Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Just imagine if your husband receives texts from his ex and he replies to her plus says he was supposed to be with her.

Weren't you be hurt, shattered and torn apart?

Please never ever contact your ex if he's married or engaged or is in a relationship. Neither you'll accept this from your man nor his lady.

Period!

[SweetGirl28]

Stay away from married men.

 

You say you thought you'd never here from him again, yet you initiated it.

So technically you didn't hear from him.

 

You are setting yourself up for a fallback. Your best to leave this man as a past memory.

[ThatwasThen]

I know we’re supposed to be nc but he kept coming up as a friend suggestion on fb and finally on Friday I inboxed him and said “hey”. He responded with a “lol hey” I didn’t know what to think. This was the moment I’ve wanted for the past 5 months. I didn’t even know how to feel. I was happy but also wasn’t sure if it was really him writing to me or his wife (yep he’s married). You can read my story on my page. So we messaged back and forth for a while (still while being skeptical) and he said he was in Chicago and flying back to NY. He was gonna call me when he got off the plane and he did. We spoke off and on that night (this past Friday). He said he’s been thinking about me and missed me and wanted to see me. I asked him about his wife and they’re still together. He asked me if I was involved and I said yes. He said “you’re not supposed to be with anyone but me”. The nerve of him! Anyway we spoke and he wants to stay in contact but I’m not sure how to handle this because I do miss him. I made it clear I didn’t want to deal with him in that way because of what he did to me and that he is married. He said he would text me. I must say that I was happy to hear from him but didn’t feel anything as far as my emotions go. I find myself wanted to talk to him. I know this can’t be good but I’m torn. I just wanted to give you guys an update. For people who think you’ll never have contact with the ex, it happens when you least expect it. I never expected to hear from him again.

I say none of this with malice but to hopefully shock you into looking at this without the pure denial you are in about this man.

You are being extremely non-loving of yourself and your recent post has me wondering what is missing in you that you would reach out to a man that is married and will give you nothing but heart ache and lonely holidays as you pine away for him while he spends the time with his wife and family.

 

You can't call You contacting him first as him contacting you again. What you did is you volunteered for more of the BS you put yourself through before. You would do well to get professional help to get you rehabbed from your addiction to the drama and the relief you feel when he graces you with a crumb of attention. Surely you must believe you deserve more then that romantically?

 

I have to ask what your childhood was like that has left you in this state of non love of self?

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add to above that coming up as a FB friend suggestion means NOTHING and had you blocked him from your social media you would have not been hooked into reaching out to him and thereby giving him permission to emotionally abuse you again when he continues to not leave his wife.

 

Adding: You told his wife about you and him and he's still with her. Surely this tells you that starting up with him again is going to get you no where but more heartache and set you back in your healing to day one.

 

Get help to guide you past your obsession of him.

[Cluelessny]

You are all right. I should’ve never posted. Btw, thatwasthen, I had a horrible childhood. Sorry for bothering anyone. I won’t post anymore.

[Starlight925]

You say you thought you'd never here from him again, yet you initiated it.

So technically you didn't hear from him.

 

^^^ Please re-read the above!!!

 

You did not "hear from him".

 

You messaged him!!

 

And he's married.....UGH.

 

This has pain written all over it.

[Cluelessny]

I know. I don’t plan on contacting him again. It was a mistake.

[ThatwasThen]

You are all right. I should’ve never posted. Btw, thatwasthen, I had a horrible childhood. Sorry for bothering anyone. I won’t post anymore.

Please stop being petulant and listen to what you're being advised. There isn't a person in the world that would tell you what you want to hear unless they are your enemy or too unknowing to give you the advice you need to get over this obsession you have with a married man.

 

If you had a horrible childhood then it is understandable why you think you don't deserve a man that can give you more then a few hours and an orgasm. Read about nurturing your inner child and learn to get yourself out of this low opinion of yourself.

 

There is help for you but you have to reach out and get the strength you need to move past him, past your upbringing and you can do it but you have to take the first step. Go to your family doctor and ask him for a referral to a therapist that will give you the strength to leave your past where it belongs ~ in the rear view mirror and get you to look through the windshield while you travel forward.

 

Don't stop posting here unless your therapist tells you to. Doing so will mean that you are not getting the advice that is hard to hear because it is the truth of the matter. It's difficult to step out of the comfort of denial but it's a step in your path to healing.

[SweetGirl28]

You are all right. I should’ve never posted. Btw, thatwasthen, I had a horrible childhood. Sorry for bothering anyone. I won’t post anymore.

 

It's fine you posted, we are just helping you see this situation is not a positive one, even if it's just

for friendship. You are involved with someone else. Focus on that. You'll only be cheating yourself by

trying to hang on to any little signs of life he throws your way. And he will disappear again.

 

I have had several married men pursue me. Think of this: you might get their days sometimes, but the

wife gets their nights. They share a bed. They build family memories. They get the vacations. What do

you get in return? Nothing more than a little attention that disappears when he needs to go home.

 

I did once get involved because I didn't know he was married. I was very young then.

I'm not certain of your age, but they can indeed lure you in easily, even if you don't have a broken

moral compass. Given your past childhood, it might have been very easy. Just protect yourself going forward.

Self love, self respect. A married man has neither for you, only you can give those things to yourself.

[TiredOfDating]

I know we’re supposed to be nc but he kept coming up as a friend suggestion on fb and finally on Friday I inboxed him and said “hey”. He responded with a “lol hey” I didn’t know what to think. This was the moment I’ve wanted for the past 5 months. I didn’t even know how to feel. I was happy but also wasn’t sure if it was really him writing to me or his wife (yep he’s married). You can read my story on my page. So we messaged back and forth for a while (still while being skeptical) and he said he was in Chicago and flying back to NY. He was gonna call me when he got off the plane and he did. We spoke off and on that night (this past Friday). He said he’s been thinking about me and missed me and wanted to see me. I asked him about his wife and they’re still together. He asked me if I was involved and I said yes. He said “you’re not supposed to be with anyone but me”. The nerve of him! Anyway we spoke and he wants to stay in contact but I’m not sure how to handle this because I do miss him. I made it clear I didn’t want to deal with him in that way because of what he did to me and that he is married. He said he would text me. I must say that I was happy to hear from him but didn’t feel anything as far as my emotions go. I find myself wanted to talk to him. I know this can’t be good but I’m torn. I just wanted to give you guys an update. For people who think you’ll never have contact with the ex, it happens when you least expect it. I never expected to hear from him again.

 

 

I'm going to repeat what others have pointed out....you didn't hear from him, you gave into temptation and contacted him first.

 

now, words from someone who's been in your position. yes, I was involved with a married man. I knew going into it that it was wrong, and I let myself become too reliant on him for moral support. And when he ended it, I was devastated beyond belief. I told his wife about us in the misguided belief she'd kick him out and he'd run to me. I'm sure she knew he would do just that (and not because he loved me, but because that's who he is and how he uses women).

 

Our relationship ended in August 2014, and I probably was not fully healed from it until December 2016. Unfortunately, I have to maintain contact with him to a very small degree because we share a child. We live in 2 different states, he's got absolutely no desire to be a parent, and even if he did, his wife was abusive to my son (which was all the catalyst for him ending the relationship and me telling her about us).

 

Even when I was dating another guy last fall, Married guy swore I was still in love with him and was doing everything in regards to keeping his wife away from my son, as an effort to get him back. He'd tell me all the time that I was just jealous he chose her over me That's when I began to realize what a horrible person he was, and when I began to finally separate myself from him. Ironically enough, after all the jealousy accusations to me, HE was the one who became envious of my new relationship.

 

I finally realized he did me a favor by ending it. I had to learn things about myself that I'd forgotten. How strong and independent I was before I became involved with him. I realized I never wanted to be like his wife, who felt the need to blame/attack a child instead of holding the cheater accountable. They had been together several years prior to me meeting him initially, and he cheated on her numerous times then. He ended up with one of her coworkers, and she moved to another state. But after a few years, she decided to take him back with the understanding there'd be no more lies and no more cheating. And almost IMMEDIATELY after he moved to her state to be with her, she found out about things he'd been hiding from her and lying about. and for 3 years she busted him and I repeatedly having conversation that was beyond "friends", and still she stayed and put up with it.

 

I never want to be the person that hates herself so much that I would continue to allow him to be unfaithful. I would not put myself through a relationship in which I had to watch him at all times. I would not want to be the person that puts the blame on others and pretends he was helpless in the situation. I am so glad he chose her over me. Because he picked someone as weak and horrible as he is.

 

You need to cut ties and quit putting yourself through that, which I know is easier said than done. Go to the gym, work on yourself. Date a little to learn how to spot red flags (this is where I still need work). When you start learning to love yourself, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

[figureitout23]

 

I never want to be the person that hates herself so much that I would continue to allow him to be unfaithful. I would not put myself through a relationship in which I had to watch him at all times. I would not want to be the person that puts the blame on others and pretends he was helpless in the situation. I am so glad he chose her over me. Because he picked someone as weak and horrible as he is.

 

You need to cut ties and quit putting yourself through that, which I know is easier said than done. Go to the gym, work on yourself. Date a little to learn how to spot red flags (this is where I still need work). When you start learning to love yourself, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

 

I was really on board with your advice until the bit where you started villainizing her dang near worse than him. You had a child by HER husband, not the time to take the high road.

 

 

We all get through sh*t in our own way so you do what works for you, I just hope the OPer doesn't take that route. What happens between an adulterer and his mistress are their crosses to bear, to place blame on anyone else? Not cool. You don't know what pain and mental anguish you caused her when you invited yourself into her marriage.

[TiredOfDating]

I was really on board with your advice until the bit where you started villainizing her dang near worse than him. You had a child by HER husband

 

I knew I should have clarified this. No, I did not have a child by her husband during their marriage. My son was born in March 2010. He moved to AZ to live with this woman in May 2010, they were not married until October 2012.

 

They were not married or together when I got pregnant. She had already left the state years prior to me meeting him. He and I had a very casual 3 year FWB relationship. He told me all along he was single. I only found out otherwise when I told him I was pregnant.

 

That coworker of hers he ended up with for awhile was the woman he was with when he was seeing me on the side. The last 3 years of their 6 year relationship, he cheated on her with me AND he was sneaking behind her back, talking to the now wife about getting back together. So yes, despite her being cheated on numerous times by him, she chose to take him back, and knew he was sneaking behind his girlfriend's back to do so.

 

In that time is when I discovered I was pregnant. He had already been making his promises that if she were to take him back, no more lies, no more cheating. Again, I knew of neither of these women's existence. He put me through hell with his lies while I was pregnant. He did not even move to AZ to live with her until 2 months AFTER my son was born, and he never told her my son existed. She found out 2 months later, and from that point, she made it clear my son was damaged goods, said horrible things about him, wouldn't let him discuss his son with his family, constantly complained that my son got too much money in CS, etc. All the typical behaviors of women who despise the children that came before her. Told me I should have sucked it up when I was pregnant because "lots of women do it alone". She took his cheating out on an innocent child.

 

He and I reconnected when i filed for CS and he suddenly claimed he was sorry for everything he put me through when I was pregnant and wanted to be a dad. It started out as friends but over time, grew deeper. But her treatment of my child was always a sore spot and he often hid contact wih my son from her. If she was present when he called my son, she'd make all kinds of background noise so the conversation was awkward and short.

 

Finally, the one time my son spent time in their home, she screamed at him, let her older kids lock him in rooms, ignored him, and slapped him in the face. She is a villian here. He ended it with me because he knew she was abusing him.

[Dominique]

Don't stop posting. We care about you.

 

 

Sending you light and love and peace.

[Cluelessny]

Thank you Dominique. I wanna share updates but don’t wanna be judged.

[ThatwasThen]

Share updates of what, luv? The man should be out of your system in all ways... blocked and deleted and the chapter closed. He was a FWB with whom you had a unplanned pregnancy with. Heal from your addiction to him and make your son your main focus and priority for now. Think about getting professional therapy to help you to process that childhood you went through that was horrible and make your son's life a happy one filled with love and good times and positive role modeling.

 

He's a dawg who was playing a few women at the same time. He's not worth your thoughts of him and contacting him isn't in yours or your son's best interests particularly when his wife is cruel to him.

 

Zero contact now. Google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. I think it will help you to be brave and get this guy out of your head for good.

 

So yes, despite her being cheated on numerous times by him, she chose to take him back, and knew he was sneaking behind his girlfriend's back to do so.

This guy must have some mad skills to be able to maintain a space in the thoughts of all of you women when he's the cheating douche bag that he is. She may have chosen to take him back but I'm thinking that you would have done the same thing if he gave you the opportunity. Don't contact him again. He's garbage and he will be cheating on his wife in no time at all because it certainly looks like he is incapable of being monogamous.

[Cluelessny]

Updates of what happened since the contact and I think you may have my story mixed up with someone else beacause I didn’t have a child by him.

[figureitout23]

Updates of what happened since the contact and I think you may have my story mixed up with someone else beacause I didn’t have a child by him.

 

I was responding to tiredofdating, which is why I quoted her.