regrets and the solutions? am i on a stage of grief?

[sfindependent]

So.

 

I'm sure you've all seen some of my posts. from break up, to trying to heal, and the slow journey we're all in to getting over heartache. I've been attending yoga classes, meditation classes, picked up a few healthy habits, attending therapy and reading a lot of self help articles and blogs. I've also been reflecting a lot on my last relashy. I'm thinking about how i was with my ex and what i could've done to maybe change the outcome of our demise. I'm not saying she didn't have problems of her own that she had to deal with, but i'm sure my own problems and attitudes didn't quite help her through her/ our relationship. I am realizing how i was throughout and as i'm unraveling some realizations, it's making me feel saddened and regretful of my own actions in the past.So far i've done a 180 from how i was when i was with her, to now. I'm feeling like a new man (although it's only been 3mos).

 

we tried to talk a month after the BU (we all know how that goes!) and it ended with us going to a therapy session (post break up) and finally she requested to be in "not be in contact, for at least two months", as she said. She's blocked/unfriended all of my friends (she thinks they're a group of lifeless alcoholics, which isn't true at all) and defriended me on all social media.

 

Except for one. Gchat.

 

everyday, she goes on it, and i can see she's online when she is and i keep wanting to message her (i don't). she never used gchat before (only uses Slack and text and FB messenger) unless it was to talk to me (We were LDR for a year). I know she hasn't blocked me on gchat yet and im choosing to keep that channel open on my end.

 

anyway, since then i've been reflecting on my actions and keep running into the whole "ugghhh. why did i do that?" "that's not what i meant" and "shouldn't have thought that" kind of epiphanies. What do you do when you run into that? what do you do with the regret? I'm genuinely trying to be a better person and it kind of sucks that i left a bad one with someone i cared deeply about.

[Jibralta]

Yes, those acute feelings of regret will eventually fade. They are a symptom of your grief. All you need is time and perspective.

[Pretzel]

Hi, welcome to the club. I've been going through the same thing and actually this has been the most excruciatingly painful part of the post-break-up experience. I regret the things I did wrong and things that made the relationship worse at a time when it was potentially salvageable. I wish I didn't do so many things, more than anything. And that regret and the 'what if's have been hurting me a lot more than anything else. I think to myself, at least if I KNEW he were going to break up with me that day, I would have given myself a little longer with him to work on stuff that I needed to to at least feel like I gave it my best shot. That is what caused me to beg him on the day he broke up with me, it wasn't to beg him to be with me but to hang on in there and give us a chance as I felt I was stolen of this opportunity and that we COULD have been something great.

 

So in answer to your question: yes, it is a stage of grief, definitely.

 

But here's the thing: a relationship requires two people to put the work in, requires compromise from two people and requires faith from two people. I noticed you recognise that she had her issues too. Don't take that lightly. Be careful not to put too much blame on yourself or take on all of what went wrong. Self-blame is the worst. Don't do it. IF she didn't appreciate you enough or see that you have potential to change if that's what you were planning to do, then that's her loss and not your problem. Unfortunately, you can't 'make' her see this or believe this. She should have wanted to do it on her own. She should have wanted the relationship as much as you, and to fight for it as hard as you are determined to. If she isn't, is it even worth your time?

[Rustysuit]

Hi, welcome to the club. I've been going through the same thing and actually this has been the most excruciatingly painful part of the post-break-up experience. I regret the things I did wrong and things that made the relationship worse at a time when it was potentially salvageable. I wish I didn't do so many things, more than anything. And that regret and the 'what if's have been hurting me a lot more than anything else. I think to myself, at least if I KNEW he were going to break up with me that day, I would have given myself a little longer with him to work on stuff that I needed to to at least feel like I gave it my best shot. That is what caused me to beg him on the day he broke up with me, it wasn't to beg him to be with me but to hang on in there and give us a chance as I felt I was stolen of this opportunity and that we COULD have been something great.

 

So in answer to your question: yes, it is a stage of grief, definitely.

 

But here's the thing: a relationship requires two people to put the work in, requires compromise from two people and requires faith from two people. I noticed you recognise that she had her issues too. Don't take that lightly. Be careful not to put too much blame on yourself or take on all of what went wrong. Self-blame is the worst. Don't do it. IF she didn't appreciate you enough or see that you have potential to change if that's what you were planning to do, then that's her loss and not your problem. Unfortunately, you can't 'make' her see this or believe this. She should have wanted to do it on her own. She should have wanted the relationship as much as you, and to fight for it as hard as you are determined to. If she isn't, is it even worth your time?

 

I know this is the logical and reasonable view on it and I offer this same advice to others, but what if there was one single moment in the relationship that steered us in the breakup direction? What if it can all boil down to that single moment where you could've done things differently and you didn't?

 

I think about this a lot. Maybe that one time when I threw a tantrum and acted like a child or that other time when I hurt her feelings or this other time when I didn't listen to her or maybe I could've been more interested in her passions, I could've listened more to her favorite band, I could've gifted her the book she always wanted.

 

I could've done so many things differently, yet I didn't...and I wonder if any of those was the deal breaker for her or if it all doesn't matter. My therapist says that for every little thing I did wrong, there should be at least 10 or 20 I did right in order to make the relationship last as long as it did, but that ultimately it was unfixable.

 

Anyway, I still wonder. I still wish to turn back time and be a better boyfriend. I won't pout that day. I'll say what's on my mind. I'll hold her close again and promise to fight for her. I'll take that low paying job instead of being unemployed for 8 months (that took a toll on us) waiting for a better one, I'll be more considerate and more thoughtful, I'll hear her better, I'll make her understand her own feelings, I'll make her see how I love her and maybe - just maybe - she'll love me back this time.

 

Silly, I know.

[sfindependent]

it's not silly at all.

 

I don't think wishing and wanting to re-do some of how we acted is out of the norm. That's why we call it regret. WE are ultimately responsible for our own actions and in genuine reflection, i've found myself angry. I'm angry at myself for letting her get under my skin. but i'm also angry that I let my hangups, my own fear of commitment, my past be a factor that would have lead us ultimately down a path of distrust and resentment. But that's not without me trying to resolve our differences. I did try to make it up. I apologized so many times and tried to make it up to her and push my commitment to her even further. But her anger towards my faults led her to subconsciously punish me through withdrawal, moving on and blame. I did resent her too, for moving on so fast with her new lifestyle. I wanted us to do things together but while she was in Australia, she found the time to imrpove herself and she came home to see a man waiting for her with the same set of patterns and behavior she had struggled to leave behind.

 

Now, fast forward two/ three months. I'm doing everything i can do be a better person. For what? For who? primarily for myself. I want to be a different person. i want to be better. I want to be with a person who would inspire me to be better, and me the same. But in the process, I feel the need the initiate contact with her. I regret being the lazy, angry, guy i was because frankly, i'm not that way. I was mad. i was resentful and i didn't want to invest my time on someone who had "left" me behind as she continued her path of self improvement. I am even seeing a therapist, and attending meditating classes. All of which she would have appreciated and loved me for doing, if i did so back then. I'm pushing hard. literally blood sweat and tears.

 

Now i am as well and I wonder how different it would be if I hadn't allowed my anger and resentment to get the better of me, and we do this path together.

[Mikey383]

What I am about to say is not any form of advise what so ever....

But, it's a wish...

Silly as it may seem, sometimes I wish that I invented a time machine....

Boy would I go back, and tell myself the consequences of my actions... And what those will bring if I don't stop myself....

But then again... Things happen for a reason...

That's what you should be thinking... It all happened for a reason...

I am in the same boat as you... And that is what I tell myself...

[sfindependent]

What I am about to say is not any form of advise what so ever....

But, it's a wish...

Silly as it may seem, sometimes I wish that I invented a time machine....

Boy would I go back, and tell myself the consequences of my actions... And what those will bring if I don't stop myself....

But then again... Things happen for a reason...

That's what you should be thinking... It all happened for a reason...

I am in the same boat as you... And that is what I tell myself...

 

we all do, hahaha. but then again, if i had a time machine, i'd take a different high paying job, a career that would take me travelling and make better choices to be a decent human being and partner. But what can you do, lol.

 

Things do happen for a reason. I realize i'm growing as a person each time i meet someone new. I gain perspective of myself and i learn how to be a better partner. Unfortunately i learn when it's over, but i learn nonetheless right?

 

This one tho. I've made it a point to relearn everything. gain new perspective. reflect. actively pursue change. And the one thing i keep coming back to is, regret.

 

I want to convey "i learned. I'll be better. I'm not just saying this. I'm actually, doing it". But then again, the growth isn't for her. It's for me.

 

Who knows, maybe we just missed each other. Which sucks.

[Mikey383]

we all do, hahaha. but then again, if i had a time machine, i'd take a different high paying job, a career that would take me travelling and make better choices to be a decent human being and partner. But what can you do, lol.

 

Things do happen for a reason. I realize i'm growing as a person each time i meet someone new. I gain perspective of myself and i learn how to be a better partner. Unfortunately i learn when it's over, but i learn nonetheless right?

 

This one tho. I've made it a point to relearn everything. gain new perspective. reflect. actively pursue change. And the one thing i keep coming back to is, regret.

 

I want to convey "i learned. I'll be better. I'm not just saying this. I'm actually, doing it". But then again, the growth isn't for her. It's for me.

 

Who knows, maybe we just missed each other. Which sucks.

 

I hear you... Loud and clear...

My EX did similar to me... 2.5 years of her drama...Poof...She's on to the next guy in search of her "Better than OK life"....

 

3 months down the road and I am still recovering... So the process takes time...

 

However I learned something as well...

 

If they won't fight for it as you do... they are not worth fighting for either...

 

Here is my happy quote:

 

"Relationships include: fights, arguments, tears, words, actions etc..... But a real relationship fights through all that with Love"

[sfindependent]

right? But then again, at what point do WE take responsibility?

 

It's nice to think and rationalize, "hey they should contact us", "they broke up with me, so they have to come crawling back" or "hey, they should do the same". But we have to admit, we all have our turning point. no amount of love or care or affection from our partners would be enough if we had not freely provided love to sustain that from them. What if the impression we left them is NOT something we ourselves would freely go back to if the tables were turned? I mean, coming from my experience, if someone i'm dating proves to be (for lack of a better term) undateable, i wouldnt have the need nor want to reestablish contact. I'd expect the other person, to contact me if they've made significant improvements with their lives. I don't know. Part of my part in the breakup was that i've made it difficult for her to love me. And now, i'm feeling i'm a bit more... ready to be the man she wanted me to be.

 

I find myself wanting to text her "look at me! I'm ready!" or at least "hey, we're on the same page. We don't need to be together, really. But at least i'd want you to know that i'm not as hopeless as you thought i was when you left".

[sfindependent]

but then again, i would go through these phases of thinking "it's done. We're done. Time to look for another one. Salvaging this relationship or what was, isn't worth it.". What do i want out of contacting her? Is it ego? Do i really want her back? Am i ready for the life she wants? I'm not sure if i want her back, but i am ready for a life like that.

[Mikey383]

I read both of your posts...We all contribute to break ups...Both sides add to it...No doubt.... However when one side realizes that they need to fix themselves and they do that, but the other side won't then it is lost....Not worth the effort and time to move on.... Not sure where you live...But if you want to discuss this in private, over the phone, I don't mind...I think I can explain better that way....

[sfindependent]

I read both of your posts...We all contribute to break ups...Both sides add to it...No doubt.... However when one side realizes that they need to fix themselves and they do that, but the other side won't then it is lost....Not worth the effort and time to move on.... Not sure where you live...But if you want to discuss this in private, over the phone, I don't mind...I think I can explain better that way....

 

I think i understand.

 

Right now, I'm not sure why i want to contact her. Ego? Pride? Love? Curiosity? I'd love her to be my activity partner. as a girlfriend? i'm open to it, but not sure if it'll ultimately work out.

[Mikey383]

Don't contact her... Have self value....

Trust me....You are not alone...

I miss my EX also, but she has moved on to a new relationship already... No need to interrupt any of that....Only it is up to her to reach out to me...She dumped me....

[sfindependent]

it was an amicable break up. does that mean anything?

[Mikey383]

it was an amicable break up. does that mean anything?

 

Your situation may be different than my...

So, you might have a chance to reconcile...