Is it worth waiting?

[Carolinee106]

I'm going on dates this guy for 2 months by now. He broke up with his ex-gf recently (4mo ago). I like him already. He told me (since the beginning) he would need some time to be in a relationship again.

 

If he wasn't a good guy, I'd have left already. But he treats me so well. He texts me almost everyday, he shows interest, he calls me on dates every weekend. He doesn't seem to be dating other girls, he don't go to nightclubs, he aways tells me where he is (I don't ask!).

 

But I'm starting to want more. 😞

 

I keep wondering if it would be better break up now (I like him, so yes, it would be painful) or if it's worth waiting (I would stipulate a time limit for myself - if he doesn't change his mind in 4 month, I'd break up).

 

What do you guys think??

[Honeycomb8]

Are you actually in a relationship with him atm, as in did you guys make it official?

 

How long was he with his ex for? Two months broken up then jumping to you is fast.

[Pleasedonot5]

If you push it, you risk reward, but most likely a break-up.

 

This is tough seeing as it's so soon after a break-up. It could lead to more, it could not. I would err on the side of patience if you feel that he may just need more time. And if he doesn't see it, then maybe it's best to end sooner rather than later.

 

Maybe a middle ground here: asking if his intentions are to inevitably lead into a relationship when he is ready? And that you'd really like that and would be open to it - again when he's ready?

 

Tough situation, could go either way. Wish you the best of luck!

[Carolinee106]

Honeycomb8, we're going on dates and we chat almost everyday. But we're not in a "serious relationship".

He and his ex-gf dated for 2 years.

[Morello]

I've been in a similar situation with a girl recently. She treated me so well and was really intense and interested in me, but kept saying she was afraid she was not ready to jump into another relationship yet. She had broken up a 6 year relationship 10 months earlier, but her bf was still in the game begging and depressed. Although I believe she was over him, she was not over the relationship itself and the outcome of it, as I see it now looking in perspective. I thought she would change her mind as we spent really good time together but really, changes are they don't in the short term. I made the mistake of trying to push little by little (without even noticing) which led to her breaking up, which led to me to chase even further, which led her to completely cut contact with me, which led me to live 2 oe 3 VERY miserable weeks. I'm still recovering and it has been 1 month with NC. I feel much more confident now but she's still a present thought.

 

I obviously don't know the specifics of your situation, but it would perhaps be nice to have a "nice" and respectful break up now before any or both of you get truly hurt. It will actually make him value you more in the long term and raises the chances of having a healthy relationship in the future if that's what you both want when the time comes. In a sense, you'd be still hanging and waiting if you like the guy. NC during that period would help things and if you explain why you're doing it (to give him space to figure out his life until he's ready, and that you'd be living your life) would probably lead to something nice. Whether you'd be dating other guys after this break up is your decision, but you need to look at it as you'd moving one completely. Although it will sound like a cliche, I think NC in your situation for a while will help him understand what he wants, because he will have space for himself to understand what it feels like to be without you.

 

It's been about 2 months that my date broke up with me (I say breaking up but I wasn't in a relationship yet, although met her parents, friends, she met mine, we did all sorts of couply things... I know, too quick, too intense), and I truly wish I had taken this course of action.

[Alm07]

I'm actually in the exact same situation as you. 2 months into it, he isn't ready, he broke up with ex 4 months ago, was with her for a yr. We have a strong connection and vibe, he's all I want in a guy and I really like him. My advise to you is keep it light, fun, exciting, casual. If you must bring it up, do so at the right time and try to not sound so intense.

Just pick his brain and try and see if this is temporary fun for him or if he would like this to turn into something else eventually. Y'all gotta be on the same page or else this will hurt.

 

Please don't make the same mistake I did, don't sound whiney or like you're falling for him bc he's so sweet bc if he isn't ready and if he is a good guy it will only make him take a step back so he doesn't hurt you, and ironically, that hurts a lot too. So please just be careful as to how you approach it and best of luck

[thorough]

I'm going on dates this guy for 2 months by now. He broke up with his ex-gf recently (4mo ago). I like him already. He told me (since the beginning) he would need some time to be in a relationship again.

 

If he wasn't a good guy, I'd have left already. But he treats me so well. He texts me almost everyday, he shows interest, he calls me on dates every weekend. He doesn't seem to be dating other girls, he don't go to nightclubs, he aways tells me where he is (I don't ask!).

 

But I'm starting to want more. 😞

 

I keep wondering if it would be better break up now (I like him, so yes, it would be painful) or if it's worth waiting (I would stipulate a time limit for myself - if he doesn't change his mind in 4 month, I'd break up).

 

What do you guys think??

 

From experience, no I would not wait. He might be legit waiting, but he could be leading you on as well. What I do is distance myself from him, start dating other guys and see what happens. Your have 2 possibilities, the guy may never come around, but you meet another guy you are smitten w/who does want a relationship or the guy could come back and want a relationship. Usually whenever a guy used that line on (granted after he said he wanted a relationship), this was usually an excuse not to see me. See what happens and good luck!

[Carolinee106]

Morello, thanks for sharing! Don't blame yourself, believe, I know how hard it is to not push the sittuation when you already have feelings for the person. But you guys ended on bad terms? Or decided to have no contact so no one would get (even more) hurt?

I hope you get better soon!

[Carolinee106]

Alm07, WOW, we're EXACLTY in the same situation! How you're dealing with it? Are you planing to wait for him?

[Morello]

Morello, thanks for sharing! Don't blame yourself, believe, I know how hard it is to not push the sittuation when you already have feelings for the person. But you guys ended on bad terms? Or decided to have no contact so no one would get (even more) hurt?

I hope you get better soon!

 

No, we ended in very bad terms, actually. We work at the same centre, so the last time we bumped into each other a couple of weeks after the break up in a work meeting it was very awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. We didn't even talk to each other but she sent me a message afterwards saying she didn't want to communicate with me again, so I'm keeping to that.

 

Funnily enough I've just bumped into her again after one month and it was like seeing a ghost. My heart is still racing and obviously my productivity today will very likely reach 0. I still think I'm getting better everyday though, but these things take time. It's like dealing with trauma.

 

Thanks for the wishes and I hope it goes better in your situation!

[Anaya]

I went through a similar experience (actually still kind of am). I met my boyfriend 14 months ago. He had been separated for 6 months from his wife of 10 years. I started falling for him pretty quickly. A few weeks into meeting him I asked him what he was looking for. He said, "I don't know. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, but that doesn't mean I'll never want one. Let's just have fun and see where things go." Of course that wasn't the answer I wanted. But everything about him seemed almost too perfect, and since I was still going through a divorce myself, I decided to keep seeing him casually.

 

4 months after meeting him I was on the verge of leaving him - because I was terrified of having my heart broken if he wasn't serious about me. So I initiated another "where is this going" conversation. I asked him if there was potential for us to have a relationship, because I couldn't stop my feelings for him. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Yes! I think there's potential for us! I just don't want to rush things. I really like you." So... I continued seeing him.

 

Once we hit the 7 month mark I was again feeling like if he really wasn't ready to be my boyfriend then he never would be and I was ready to walk out again. I initiated a third conversation with him and asked what his intentions regarding me were because I just couldn't take it anymore. He looked at me and said that he really, really liked me and that he'd been thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend for a few weeks at that point. So I asked him if I was girlfriend then, and he said, "Yes, I'm ready for us to be official".

 

That was 7 months ago. He has been the best boyfriend so far and I've seen no signs of emotional instability or him acting like he wants to leave or anything. His ex-wife actually just asked for him back a couple weeks ago and he told her he cared too much about me and was staying with me. So I think in my case... it took awhile, but I'm glad I waited. He really did need time to be "single" I think, but when he made the decision to be in a relationship with me, it was a well-thought out decision and he knew that's what he wanted. I don't know if my scenario is a common one though. And also - I'm only 7 months into being "official", so anything could happen I suppose. I guess - go with your heart. There is going to be risk involved, but if you think he's a decent guy and really just needs some time to figure things out, I would try waiting for a bit longer. Good luck.

[Honeycomb8]

Oh I don't mean a serious relationship, bc two months is nothing. I meant like are you guys exclusive and have decided to be gf and bf officially?

 

After two years, two months is def not enough time to get over the relationship and her.