Why can't anyone see the light in me

[Sunflower93]

I've posted a few times about my ex, we were together 9 months, lived and spent everyday together all 9 months. No separation whatsoever, at his constant request might I add. If I ever asked for space and for him to go spend the night somewhere I didn't get it. I'm just trying to paint the picture of attachment here.

 

He was my first love, I'm only 23 and many guys have tried but I'm very closed off and have trust issues so he was the first one I gave a chance bc it felt different and real. He constantly told me he wanted to marry me and would love me forever, up until the end of our relationship. He did horrible things during our relationship and texted other girls but look I've said this before regardless of what he did I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him bc that's what love is to me.

 

He strung me along for 4 months after we broke up bc I didn't want to break up. Now it's been 3 weeks NC and almost 5 months since the breakup and I still am in tremendous pain. I have no idea how to get over the fact that I wasn't worth it. He hasn't ONCE begged for me back tried to apologize or show any freaking signs of remorse. I said the words let's break up but he damn sure enforced it so it's honestly his break up. He had the ability to leave me after he promised me over and over that he loved me. He promised me over and over that I can trust him and he won't hurt me he won't abandon me.

 

I'm sitting here writing this in tears bc it's been 3 weeks of torture being mostly fine during the day then dreaming about him at night then waking up to the realization that it's just a dream and he's really gone and he still doesn't care. I've tried everything and I'm still in this sad lonely place and I know everyone here is hurting too but I just feel like no one gets where I'm coming from. I loved him so deeply I feel like he broke me. I have had a pretty hard life so I know when certain things will be the things that break me and this takes the cake. Imagine NEVER trusting anyone, having been assualted and hurt and let down you're WHOLE life. Now you finally think you met the one you've been waiting for the one to take the pain away and they just walk away like you were NOTHING like it didn't f'ing happen! How does he have the capacity to do that to me? And when I beg to just be friends the only response I get is a cold "I'm moving on".

 

I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I loved him with my whole entire being and now my whole entire being is in searing pain. I feel like even if I try every guy will eventually lose interest and give up on me. I feel like no one can see the light in my heart and how much I have to give. I'm not being dramatic I have no one in my life that hasn't been cheated on and used especially my mom by my dad. I just want the person that will never hurt me and restore my heart but I feel like that doesn't exist. Everyone gets bored.

[Starlight925]

He sounds like a typical narcissist. Go to thriveafterabuse.com and read about it, and see if it fits.

 

From your brief story, a lot of it is right on target for a narcissistic relationship:

--Love bombing. Tells you all sort of wonderful things, you're his soulmate, he's never met anyone like you

--Future faking. He's going to marry you, sweep you off your feet, you're the only woman he'll ever love

--Triangulation. There's someone (or many someones) else, which upsets you

--Blame-shifting. When you complain about the texts, he shifts the blame back on you.

--Lying. 'Nuff said.

 

Relationships with a narcissist have a pattern: Idealize, Devalue, Discard. The discard phase happens very suddenly. It's like a sharp drop off a cliff. But then, there's:

 

--Hoovering (like the vacuum). Hoovers you back in, with little texts, keeping in touch. Keeps reeling you back in, but never fully apologizes for any of the things that he did that caused the breakup (the lies, the other women, etc.)

--Gaslighting. Making your complaints seem like they never happened, twisting the truth so that you finally end up admitting to his lie, and you end up taking blame for it, and you hang up and wonder what the h*ll just happened.

 

Narcissists need a few things: They need a Primary Supply (you were his), and they need a secondary, or multiple, supplies (his texting women). Once they have you, they will quickly start to devalue you, and ultimately discard, while they figure out a new Primary Supply. Might be one of these other women, or someone new. This cycle will repeat for their entire lives.

 

I have just been through this after an 18-month relationship, and I've been through tons of therapy and research. These things follow such an exact pattern it's scary.

 

PM me if you'd like to chat offline.

[ThatwasThen]

Now it's been 3 weeks NC and almost 5 months since the breakup and I still am in tremendous pain.

So actually its only been 3 weeks since you've even accepted that the relationship is over. Give yourself some time to heal. With zero contact and acceptance that this relationship is over, you'll start to feel better and you'll be glad he's out of your hair.

 

Don't label him... just be glad he's gone. Work on your own self-worth so that you don't allow some stranger to move into your space again. You need to get to know someone before you become vulnerable to them. You didn't do that. Look within to find out what made you give up yourself to a stranger.

[Keyman]

Oh, it'll happen {insert the usual parabolic comment here about fish, sea, least expecting it and yadda yadda}, and it might not happen soon, but the one thing you have to stop doing it pinning your entire happiness on this person. Talk about pressure, talk about expectation, talk about being shattered when it doesn't work out, as you are seeing now.

 

Yes, your life has been hard, probably harder than mine, I'm not trying to compare, but it is something that you have to resolve on your own. No-one wants to rescue someone from their life, they want a strong soul that has taken on the world and has come out on top. They may be covered in bruises, but boy do they have some stories.

 

Sorry you are going through this and it is taking so long to heal. No doubt many of us have had similar intense relationships that have ended in the such a shattering way. I've had the dreams that just don't go away and have had to trik my brain into thinking that I met someone else by pinning a bikini girl calendar to the wall and pretending for the month that she was my new girl, greeting her in the morning, saying good night before bed. I even went through guided meditation to push the offending thoughts away. Ther are things that you can do to help yourself, nd all it means is lasting until you start to forget about him.

 

Trust me, you can do this, I believe in you, stranger on the internet, and we are here for you. Be the sun in your sunflower.

[ThatwasThen]

He did horrible things during our relationship and texted other girls

Staying with someone that treats you badly... (and him doing ^^^ that is treating you badly)is not a virtuous attribute, Sunflower... it is a symptom of codependency and I implore you to get with a good therapist that is proficient in the symptoms of codependency so that you learn to form good personal boundaries and the confidence to get rid of men that threat you badly. You will learn to leave, through therapy, even if you think you love them IF they don't value you the way you deserve to be valued as a human being.

 

You must learn to BELIEVE that you deserve better then a guy that mistreats you. As a healthy partner, you would never stick it out with someone that devalues you like he did.

but look I've said this before regardless of what he did I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him bc that's what love is to me.

This is NOT a healthy way to love. Therapy will help you to realize that.