Codependency and moving on/or healing? Anyone with experience?

[1994]

I know this thread has been quiet for quite some time now, but I would just like to bring an update of my current state. Partly because I think it's healthy to evaluate ones self and the progress you make after situations like this, but also because there might be people googling codependecy and maybe stumbling upon this thread (just like the way I stumbled upon this wonderful forum once) and maybe found it helpfull or interesting.

 

First of all I want to tell you the bad part: I still haven't started going to therapy. And to be honest, I don't have a good excuse for it. I have been very busy since october, with a lot both in school and at work, and the amount of money it would cost for weekly or even monthly visits to a therapist has kept me back from actually getting professional help. But I know that's no good of an excuse. And I can keep makeing promises here that I one day will get help, but I probably won't. I just never seem to find the strength to do so, which makes me kind of empathizing with my ex a lot more, since I tried to convince her to get help at various stages in our relationship (as mentioned in my OP). I guess I maybe was a bit arrogant or at least very naive in believing that someone could convince anyone to get help. So I guess I'm kind of a hypocrite.

 

And speaking of my ex, I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Whenever I'm outside I constantly worry about running in to her or one of her friends/family. Because I don't know what I would say to her or them. She contacted me one last time at the end of september, a message I decided to ignore. But in it she still had the same questions and hurt feelings as she had the day I broke it off, even though i've been trying to explain the situation to her several times since then. So I still feel like an awful person, that there's something left unresolved and that a random encounter would be incredibly hard on me (and even more so; her). Breaking this 3 month long NC would just be too damn hard, even if it was just an unexpected encounter.

 

I also sometimes look her up on social media. I know that's stupid, but I do. I do it less regularly than before, but it still happens every other week or so. It sometimes gives me peace seeing her at least posing as happy, while it sometimes makes me sad when I see her posting more emotional posts. It's a gamble I take every once in a while. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it hurts. Maybe because it helps me realize that time actually goes by.

 

 

But there are some good parts as well: I've been really focused lately on what I want, what I like and what I feel is important in life. I've been seeing friends, been going to concerts, seen movies, gone to parties and been more social and comfortable in these social gatherings

than I've been since I met my ex (with the exeption of my new found fear of running in to her, which makes me a bit hesitant before actually leaving the house. But as soon as I'm out and about everything is fine!). This gives me perspective to the whole relationship and makes me confident that I made the right decision. I might not be the same person as I was before I met her, but I can now see how the relationship affected me and my confidence in a bad way. I also have been doing great in school and at work since her well being isn't "forced" (by myself) to be my number one priority, which also gives me some feeling of accomplishment.

 

I also have been watching alot of Ross Rosenbergs YouTube clips (thank you Purusha for the amazing tip) and I now know exactly what the realtionship was, who I am and who she is and why it never would have worked out, at least not for me. That gives me streangth and makes me more confident in my progress of recovery. My biggest issue before finding Ross Rosenberg was that I couldn't convince myself that my decision was right or that my perception of the relationship was true, but hearing about his theories and experiences has been eye opening for me and it makes me sure of my actions. Maybe I could have ended it at a better time or in a better way, but I'm now sure of that what I did was right for me and my well being. I've realized that I am a codependent and that she was a narcissist, although not intentionally.

 

 

So it's been ups and downs. I've been wanting to move, I've been wanting to die, I've been unsure, I've been willing to take her back, I've been isolating myself and hateing myself. But I've also been determined, social, happier, more focused and willing to finally let go. Every day is a roller-coaster ride, and it will probably be like this for yet another couple months or so. But I know now that ending it was the best thing I could've done for me and that is a good place to finally start the healing process. Although I'm far from finished, at least I know that there is a journey to take from here to somewhere better. Knowing who I am, what's important to me, what the relationship was and what a relationship should be has been the first tiny step. There's many more to come, but I'm at least facing forwards now.

[Jibralta]

Have you tried reading this book:

 

Codependent No More

by Melody Beattie

[1994]

Have you tried reading this book:

 

Codependent No More

by Melody Beattie

 

No, but thanks for the tip. I really appreciate it. I'll see if my library has it.

 

(I also want to add something about my Ross Rosenberg-tip that I forgot to mention: he has really helped me put my experience in a context and rationalize the feelings I had of guilt and shame and giving them a possible explanation. And that has helped me a a lot. But I DON'T recommend watching his clips if anyone here has experience of the other side of this situation, which is if you are or know anyone who struggles with narcisim or BPD. He often puts his foot in his mouth and says horrible generalizing stuff about people who has to deal with these disorders, and I don't condone those sentiments. Wheteher they are intentional or not is beyond me, but if you are like me and have just gotten out of a codependent relationship then a lot of his videos are a good at explaining how and why you carried those feelings of shame and guilt for so long and how to try to move on.)