She said I could have the money back for plane tickets, but not transferred it over? Want to stay NC

[fmfan08]

After 2 months relationship (3 months together), she broke up over text with the usual excuses, etc. Said the spark had gone in the last week and that "something was missing" and that she wasn't sure we was right together and that I could do better than her (she has mentioned these down depressive moments she has), however I was acting distant in addition to her her distant behaviour which probably didn't help. Her frequent mentioning of her ex in conversation meant I was fed up and it was clear she was still not over it completely.. (They split up a year ago from a 6 year relationship). Something I told her over the phone after we broke up, but something that should have been said by me in the relationship.

 

We had a holiday to Italy planned in 4 weeks but she told me in the breakup text "Obviously that means cancelling the Italy trip but as Italy means so much to you I would rather you go away with someone who you can have a better time with. The hotels are refundable but as we have paid for the flights we can't get the money back but because I'm the one who has decided this if you want the money back that you've paid for the flights I will give it you back"

 

After I phoned her to talk about the breakup, I asked at the end if she would be able to send me the money I paid her for my part of the flight and she told me to send her my account details to transfer it across.

 

It's Sunday night now and that was a whole day ago and she hasn't. We still have each other on Facebook and she posted a picture of herself this afternoon smiling holding her medal from a race she did, which I thought was a bit raw after breaking up with me.

 

How should I approach this? I don't exactly want to contact her as I'd rather stay no contact so 1) I can move on and 2) as I've sensed she was acting interested in person right before the breakup so I want to see if "no contact" might make her miss me and I can improve on myself in that time.

 

Could I get my sister to contact her on Facebook asking if she can transfer the money?

 

I wouldn't have gone with this plan as it means she would have to pay both of our tickets, but she broke things off and offered the money back and everyone I know has told me to take it. In addition she did thank me for making her feel great these last few months (her heart was broken by her ex a year ago after a 6 year relationship) but that made me feel used like I was intended as a rebound, etc.

[lsilva]

Fmfan08, do you need the money back? if not, forget about it... if you need, just send a simple text with all the information... i don't think this will break your no contact...

[fmfan08]

Fmfan08, do you need the money back? if not, forget about it... if you need, just send a simple text with all the information... i don't think this will break your no contact...

 

If I keep it formal/business like and end the message with a full stop instead of the kisses we used to do?

 

I was going to wait until Tuesday to give the banks a couple of working days if she has sent it already.

 

Could I get my sister to text her or message on Facebook about it? Just so it shows I don't want to contact her personally?

[Tanzi]

Sometimes I think people take NC a little too literally. I get that you don't want her to think you're looking for excuses to contact her but if you really want the money back then I don't see any harm in texting her about it. There is always a little contact that may be necessary after a break-up while people sort out things such as finances and/or personal belongings they want back. If, however, in 6 months time you were to suddenly contact her asking for something obscure that had long been forgotten then that would be a different matter.

 

Once the issue is sorted you can quickly pick up where you left off.

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Agreed.

 

Also, I would not involve your sister in this.

[fmfan08]

Sometimes I think people take NC a little too literally. I get that you don't want her to think you're looking for excuses to contact her but if you really want the money back then I don't see any harm in texting her about it. There is always a little contact that may be necessary after a break-up while people sort out things such as finances and/or personal belongings they want back. If, however, in 6 months time you were to suddenly contact her asking for something obscure that had long been forgotten then that would be a different matter.

 

Once the issue is sorted you can quickly pick up where you left off.

 

I understand you. It's not like I'm trying to pick up where we left off, it's more like get in ask for the money I want and get out. If she transfers it across I'll give her a "Thanks" and resume NC.

 

If she didn't mention it I wouldn't have asked for it back, but hey.. Could use this £275 on a new girl instead. I'll tell her that I'm putting it towards a new car which makes me look good. Self improvement and all.

 

I genuinely care about her so I didn't want it to end badly, or have it be all about money and have her think "wow that's all he cares about?", but she did offer and I'll give her some respect for that. But she did lose a lot of respect from me when she ended it through text, especially after the great 3 months we had together and I called her out on that over the phone but she told me she really wanted to phone but couldn't find the words. Plus, when she told me how I made her feel great these past few months, it made me feel used/like a rebound and that's why I'd like the money back.

 

If she refuses, I will mention that she did offer it to me and she should keep her promise. I know some people can take it to court, but for £275 I'd rather take the loss and not end things on a sour note like a court hearing, etc, because it would feel unfair and make me seem bitter over the breakup. I'd just follow it up with a stern reply and leave it there.

[fmfan08]

^

Agreed.

 

Also, I would not involve your sister in this.

 

The plan was to get my sister to do this over Facebook so it looked like I couldn't be bothered contacting her (plus she can see it's legitmately my sister through facebook) but then I decided if they're not friends on Facebook, it might go through unseen to her filtered messsages. Then I thought a text would be odd as they haven't met and it could be anyone.

 

I also thought it might leave a bad impression to her about me that I couldn't "man up" and face her myself to get my money, if you get me?

 

I'll wait until Tuesday evening and ask. Anyone got a good idea for a message I could send that is very formal?

[lsilva]

If I keep it formal/business like and end the message with a full stop instead of the kisses we used to do?

I would suggest: here is my account info for the airfare deposit: XXXXXX and XXXXXX

 

I was going to wait until Tuesday to give the banks a couple of working days if she has sent it already.

You can text her today, and wait a couple of days to see if she did the deposit...

 

Could I get my sister to text her or message on Facebook about it?

There's no need to do it... as you will be straight forward, she will not think you are using this as an excuse to talk to her

[fmfan08]

If I keep it formal/business like and end the message with a full stop instead of the kisses we used to do?

I would suggest: here is my account info for the airfare deposit: XXXXXX and XXXXXX

 

I was going to wait until Tuesday to give the banks a couple of working days if she has sent it already.

You can text her today, and wait a couple of days to see if she did the deposit...

 

Could I get my sister to text her or message on Facebook about it?

There's no need to do it... as you will be straight forward, she will not think you are using this as an excuse to talk to her

 

Following our phone call on Saturday evening, I did send her a text with my sort code and account number already but not had anything yet. This is why I could do with some help in persisting or remind her of it.

[Honeycomb8]

Did u pay for her plane ticket?

 

 

At least it's done now. I did feel she was rebounding, I guess you were still wanting to go ahead with it anyway.

 

Next time it's better to date for at least 6-7 months before going on a trip, and of course have them pay for their own costs.

[fmfan08]

Did u pay for her plane ticket?

 

 

At least it's done now. I did feel she was rebounding, I guess you were still wanting to go ahead with it anyway.

 

Next time it's better to date for at least 6-7 months before going on a trip, and of course have them pay for their own costs.

 

She paid for both on her credit card, but I paid for mine when she asked me.

 

Sorry for this LONG post but I need to get what happened last night off my chest... and I would update the other thread, but now you're here I'll explain what happened Friday night..

 

We met outside the cinema and we gave each other a quick kiss then held hands and went to the computer where you can book tickets. She kind of got a bit irritated that I wasn't selecting the right seat and as we were getting our popcorn and drinks, she seemed distant again.. Like I was trying to get blood out of a stone for conversation. I asked about work and she tried to make an effort asking about mine, but I could tell something was off.

 

In the cinema, she complained to me about her popcorn not being right so she left to get it changed, then when she got back after a while she got annoyed that they got the popcorn wrong again and she put it down. I offered to pay for new popcorn, but she said it was okay. Maybe I could have got out of my seat and just got it her anyway.

 

So I went to put my arm around her but she was apologetic, saying she had a bad back, etc. So I became more reserved and sat further away in my seat from her. I think she could tell I was fed up with her mood as I saw her look in my direction.

 

When we left the cinema screen and walked through to the foyer, I was distant with her and I didn't say anything. It looked a bit like she had been crying and was sniffing a lot. I was walking slightly in front of her, but she then reached out and held my hand. I thought it was really odd how she initiated the hand holding..

 

You see, I spent the entire movie working out what to say to end it with her, yet she was acting completely positive with me now. She became very talkative, jokey, etc like her old self. She even talked about our plans for the following day to meet at hers for 7 so I can meet her friends.

 

We walked to her car and we turned to each other. I held her by the waist and pulled her to me and she wrapped her arms around my neck giggling. She had a HUGE smile on her face and we kissed for a good 30-40 seconds. I felt her pushing against me too.

 

Then I get a text the next afternoon saying "Hey I've been having a bit of time to think about myself this morning and I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't feel that it's fair on you to continue everything. You've helped me so much over the past few months and I am grateful for everything. You are such a kind and caring person but I'm just not sure we are right together."

 

Then she went on about the holiday, paying me back, etc.

 

I phoned her a couple of hours after and told her I felt disrespected that she broke up over text but she said she wanted to do it over the phone but couldn't find the words. She told me she felt something was missing and couldn't figure out what and said there was a spark but it disappeared this last week and she couldn't work out why. Then she mentioned about how hard work was, not being able to control her class and that she has official people coming around to judge her on her performance. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, but she wouldn't be dating for a long while and she felt that she should have had more time being single to focus on herself after her last breakup. I brought up my job and not having a car if that was a problem and she said it kind of was but mostly because I worked a lot at the weekend when she'd be free, etc and having a car would have made it easier to go to her house (I could have just got a taxi really).

 

She then brought up that I was a bit quiet around her friends and parents, but I told her that I was talkative with her parents although with her friends it takes me some time to open up, especially to a large group of people.

 

I ended the call by saying I'm disappointed it didn't work out and that I'd rather her not be unhappy with me and find someone who makes her happy, who she can have a family with, etc. She definitely had a lump in her throat and seemed tearful in her response. I said to her that I'd love to keep her in my life but I could only do that if she was my girlfriend, that we can't be friends. I mentioned that I wouldn't delete her from Facebook as it would sour the good times we had but that would be it for us talking. I asked about the money and she told me to send her my account details which I did in the following text.

 

4 hours after this she still kept our relationship status on Facebook, so I decided to act fast and remove it myself (to show that I wasn't trying to hang on). My following Facebook status was "Things happen, time to move on!" and then the following morning I put up a status about something funny that happened at work. Basically, I was not acting in the way she was hoping for me to act, aka miserable. I was making it clear that I was positive even after the breakup.

 

It must have caught on as a couple of hours after, she updated her status for the first time in two weeks about a race she was in that morning and she posted a picture of herself with large smile on her face holding the medal. The picture seemed pointless and felt like a reaction to how positive I was being on Facebook.

 

Anyway, I'm still confused why she tried to hold my hand and we got very close and initimate at the end of that night, passionately kissing, etc only for her to break things off. I'm guessing she was in two minds about her feelings, she was both interested and not, but maybe work got too much in the way, maybe her feelings scared her off after being hurt with her ex, maybe she was unsure about her feelings so is now testing herself to see if she'll miss me by taking time away. Who knows? But at the end of the night, she was completely opposite and did NOT seem like someone about to break up with me. It's a shame because I was so close to breaking it off, if only her mood/behaviour didn't turn so positive.

[Honeycomb8]

Just because someone kisses you and holds your hand, doesn't mean they had feelings for you. Like actual feelings.

She must have liked you but as I said before, she's emotionally attached to her ex and that's the main thing on her mind, besides the other things.

Her behaviour seems very familiar. She was definitely rebounding =/. It's nothing to do with work or whatever else.

[fmfan08]

Just because someone kisses you and holds your hand, doesn't mean they had feelings for you. Like actual feelings.

She must have liked you but as I said before, she's emotionally attached to her ex and that's the main thing on her mind, besides the other things.

Her behaviour seems very familiar. She was definitely rebounding =/. It's nothing to do with work or whatever else.

 

Guess so, but I don't get why it would make any sense for her to initiate that hand holding and passionately kiss me, when girls who have no interest whatsoever on dates in the past have rejected my hand holding and given me the cheek/or a peck on the lips. It was like she was bipolar, two completely different personalities.

 

So defintely 100% rebounding from her? I can't shake the feeling that she might have grown closer to someone else, maybe even cheated and maybe she feels guilty, hence no sex in the last month of the relationship, acting distant, etc. There's no evidence of a guy on her Facebook that I could be suspicious of but when I was at her place she placed her phone with the screen down a lot. But then it's probably all in my head. I don't think this helped in the relationship, as I kept reading into signs and assumed she was cheating and when I noticed she was checking out a guy infront of us top to bottom two weeks ago, I got quiet and she asked what was wrong and if she did something wrong we could work on it. That soured the relationship unfortunately but lesson learned.

 

I did ask her over the phone if there was someone else and she said "No" without hesitating, she seemed confident in her answer but then could be a lie. I say to her that I felt I was a rebound and she said not at all, that this relationship did mean something to her just she couldn't figure what was missing, that the flowers were something she wasn't used to. I asked about any feelings for her ex and she said there weren't and she wouldn't go back with him, but she did still feel hurt from it.

 

I do feel the urge to call her out that there's probably someone else because the signs seem too close to it, but then I think what would that achieve? If I say that, she's still my ex but now hates me.. whereas if I don't say it (and I could be totally wrong and she was telling the truth) then at least I leave our relationship on the best POSSIBLE note which gives the chance for her to comeback down the line if she doesn't meet anyone and gets over her ex. That's wishful thinking and probably won't happen, she did say she wasn't sure we was right together and spark had gone but before this last week, we were great together and she said we was.

 

For now, NC is either going to give her the chance to miss me or I get over her, win win either way..

[Rustysuit]

Guess so, but I don't get why it would make any sense for her to initiate that hand holding and passionately kiss me, when girls who have no interest whatsoever on dates in the past have rejected my hand holding and given me the cheek/or a peck on the lips. It was like she was bipolar, two completely different personalities.

 

So defintely 100% rebounding from her? I can't shake the feeling that she might have grown closer to someone else, maybe even cheated and maybe she feels guilty, hence no sex in the last month of the relationship, acting distant, etc. There's no evidence of a guy on her Facebook that I could be suspicious of but when I was at her place she placed her phone with the screen down a lot. But then it's probably all in my head. I don't think this helped in the relationship, as I kept reading into signs and assumed she was cheating and when I noticed she was checking out a guy infront of us top to bottom two weeks ago, I got quiet and she asked what was wrong and if she did something wrong we could work on it. That soured the relationship unfortunately but lesson learned.

 

I did ask her over the phone if there was someone else and she said "No" without hesitating, she seemed confident in her answer but then could be a lie. I say to her that I felt I was a rebound and she said not at all, that this relationship did mean something to her just she couldn't figure what was missing, that the flowers were something she wasn't used to. I asked about any feelings for her ex and she said there weren't and she wouldn't go back with him, but she did still feel hurt from it.

 

I do feel the urge to call her out that there's probably someone else because the signs seem too close to it, but then I think what would that achieve? If I say that, she's still my ex but now hates me.. whereas if I don't say it (and I could be totally wrong and she was telling the truth) then at least I leave our relationship on the best POSSIBLE note which gives the chance for her to comeback down the line if she doesn't meet anyone and gets over her ex. That's wishful thinking and probably won't happen, she did say she wasn't sure we was right together and spark had gone but before this last week, we were great together and she said we was.

 

For now, NC is either going to give her the chance to miss me or I get over her, win win either way..

 

Because people like to be held, people like affection and guess what, people like kissing each other.

 

She seems very emotionally unstable and confused. I doubt there's anything you could've done to make her stick around. As others said, you were probably a rebound. A very good one at that. Most rebounds are over even before they start and the dumper doesn't even sweat it.

 

You can hold your head up high knowing you were a good partner in this relationship. Don't ruin everything now post-BU. Don't accuse her of anything or try to reach out or read too much into what she says or does (especially in social media).

You have to be strong now and treat her as she's gone forever.

[fmfan08]

Because people like to be held, people like affection and guess what, people like kissing each other.

 

She seems very emotionally unstable and confused. I doubt there's anything you could've done to make her stick around. As others said, you were probably a rebound. A very good one at that. Most rebounds are over even before they start and the dumper doesn't even sweat it.

 

You can hold your head up high knowing you were a good partner in this relationship. Don't ruin everything now post-BU. Don't accuse her of anything or try to reach out or read too much into what she says or does (especially in social media).

You have to be strong now and treat her as she's gone forever.

 

Had this conversation with people I know and they said she seemed emotionally unstable/confused/wasn't sure what she wanted. Her blog she posts online from the months between her breakup and us meeting focused a lot on "what could have been" with her previous ex and spending those months getting over it and that it was hard. I think because subconciously she kept bringing up her ex, she probably still feels love for him and thinks it's unfair on me to continue. That, plus the stress of her teaching job, her down moments etc.. Things were PERFECTLY fine before she started her job, it's ever since she started her new job, things started going downhill. I can only give space and maybe in time she might miss me but I'm not expecting it. I'm searching for someone else now.

 

It does annoy me that the morning after the breakup she posts about her cross country run she participated in (which is fine) but then uploads a perfect picture of herself with a large smile holding the medal. She knew I'd see that because I told her I didn't want to unfriend her on Facebook, but I might consider it now. Once/if she transfers the money across I'll tell her that it's best we cut ties on Facebook as I want to focus on moving on but seeing pictures uploaded of her smiling doesn't help me and I'll wish her the best.

 

This is why I want to be NC so I can move on with myself but also gives her the chance to miss me (because I still think she's unsure about the situation and she didn't want to completely end it, but did because it was easy for her as I got signs of huge interest as well as very low interest like she was bipolar) and if she doesn't then it wasn't to be.

[BrotherMister]

Give her space and let her find herself. You can't force that. Also, forget Facebook, it's the worst thing.

 

As for the money, leave it be. You can't put a price on peace of mind.