drugs, paranoia, money, confusion.

[spinnellie]

My boyfriend is 18 and ive been with him for a few months and im feeling really confused. theres too much to talk about so i'll try n keep it brief. Hes amazing, i think i really do love him, hes so sweet, and he cares about me so much, and hes all i could ask for, but hes really getting to me about some things.

 

Firstly, he has major paranoia and has so many insecurities, and i can understand them, and i try not to let it bother me, but he will be really happy one minute and really really depressed the next, and wont talk to me for ages. He gets paranoid about me meeting up with my guy mates, but then admits he knows hes being stupid, and he hates himself and doesnt believe me when i tell him hes gorgeous (cos he really is!!)

 

He also has an issue with smoking weed. Hes lost his job and has just moved out, which makes it a hell of alot worse, and all he seems to do these days is sit at home and smoke, and its starting to get really rediculous. He doesnt have the money for a start, hes getting in debt and he cant even afford food sometimes, but still manages to buy weed all the time. His parents had to pay for his rent again, and hes screwing himself up badly. Even his friends that he smokes with are worried about how much he smokes, even hes worried, but he just cant stop. Hes been through alot recently and he says its him just relaxing and telling the world to f**k off for a while, but i cant see an end to it.

 

Like i said before, his mood swings really get to me. like, he can do something wrong, or say something, and if i get pissed off he wont try and apologise, he'll just get pissed off too, to the point where its me trying to make it up to him...for something i havent really done.

 

Theres a lot of other stuff too but i didnt wanna make this too long. Thing is, i really do love him, and when we're together, alone, just being with each other, its SO amazing, theres nowhere id rather be ever. He makes me feel great and i still cant believe im with him. He gets paranoid about me breaking up with him for all of the reasons i might, but i always say theres NO chance in hell i would cos i wudnt be able to cope without him, which is true, but then i find myself thinking wait a sec.... what hes saying is right, he does do all this crap stuff, and it makes me feel SO crap.... and, idunno, im just really confused.

 

This isnt a very good post, and i doubt anyone will really be able to come up with anything to reply with, as its all quite random and i probably didnt explain it very well. I just dont really know what to do. I have spoken to him, alot, it works for a while, but im starting to worry that hes just never going to change, ever, but then i cant imagine ever ending it. i dont know.

[DN]

You explained it very well. Paranoia is a psychological condition and needs proper diagnosis and treatment - the weed is probably making it worse, but also makes it go away for awhile, so a vicious circle has developed. He has major problems and needs professional help to get them sorted out. Ask him to see a counsellor - the way to get him to do that may be to make it about you. Tell him you love him and want him to be around for you, but you can't help him on your own. Ask him to do it for you so you will feel better. If you feel it may help, you could also explain what is happening to his parents and ask for their help.

[Curious_soul]

Break it up for your own sake!!! The sooner, the better...

 

The reason I am saying this is because I went through something similiar. I met this wonderful guy, who was genuine, caring, and romantic however, him smoking pot everyday, had decreased his thinking ability and did become paranioa at times. I stayed in the relationship believing that I could somewhat help him to get off weed and the relationship will get better. However, as times progressed, and didn't see any improvement, I realized I was feeling depressed, unhappy, couldn't think clearly and losing my IDENTITY.

 

I ignored that the relationship was unhealthy and toxic. All I was hoping it will get better. I was willing more then anything to work on it. I loved him and wanted to help him, however, it got to the point I couldn't take it anymore. I finally broke up with him.

 

I still miss him. I miss his companionship but I knew it was the best thing I have done because for my own well-being. I feel much happier and healthier. Most important of all, I am back of who I really am. I can think clearly and so gald that I am no longer in the relationship.

 

Spinnellie, you are young and let yourself grow. Get out from the relationship because it's toxic!!!

[Anamarie89]

It isn't your responsibilty to "fix" him. He's your boyfriend, and you care about him, but that's doesn't mean that he is your responsibility. The paranoia is a side-effect from the pot, so it's not just him.

 

A little bit of something you need to tell yourself:

 

You CAN cope without him, you shouldn't need to depend on him to feel good.

 

You don't NEED to be a with a person who makes you feel like crap. (Regardless of how he treats you when you're alone).

 

Maybe, if you really want to help him, you have to get your message accross nice and clear. Talk to him about how his smoking bothers you (he probably won't seem to listen, but you'd be surprised) and then tell him that if he doesn't tone it down, you'll break up with him no matter how much you love him. If he doesn't tone it down at your very polite request... then he doesn't love you as much as you love him, and how painful is that?

 

Anyway, I agree with the other posters in that he needs to see a counsellor and the relationship (the way that it is) is toxic. Good luck!

[spinnellie]

thanx for the help guys. i can see what you're saying. the more i think about it the more worried i get, cos im worried i will break up with him, and i kno theres a chance it could be the right thing to do but im having my own problems (probbaly why his are making me feel so bad, cos its more for me to deal with) and despite having to worry about him, when hes being alright he makes all the crap stuff go away.

 

he did say a few weeks ago that he wanted to go see someone about it, and his parents know about it because they turned up at his house and he kinda broke down and told them everything, thats when i thought it was gnna change, but it didnt. i am quite tempted to go speak to them actually.

 

i think im gonna try and talk to him properly again, find a time when hes not stoned and make him lsiten to me, and listen to how worried i am. i have implied before that i could break up with him unless he sorts it out, but i think that just made him more paranoid.

thanks.