Why do i keep attracting abusive men? And keep having short-term relationships back to back with the

[Findingnemo94]

Hi

 

Long story short, January 2016 I ended up in a court case against my ex boyfriend of a year and a half because he assaulted me on a night out. He was found guilty. Also accused of rape this june (on a different girl). Since then, I have dated a total of 7 men. All have lasted no longer than 1-4 months. I seem to find that they either lead me on, so basically tell me that they want a relationship..they are looking for long term..i'm a keeper. All crap like that, then a few weeks down the line they come out with some like oh this isn't going to work sorry and still want to sleep together.

 

Other guys have been very emotionally abusive towards me. Withholding emotions, acting hot and cold, calling me a horrible names e.g. slag, , , then retracting their comments saying they were only joking around and saying i'm too sensitive, criticising what I do and wear, telling me what I should and shouldn't wear, purposely trying to make me jealous with other females and finding it funny, abandoning me in horrible places.

 

I have no idea what to do anymore, I have had some lovely, good looking guys approach me and I am automatically turned off as soon as they are even a little bit kind, or ask to take me on a date. The more messages they send that pay me compliments, want to take things further with me, the more turned off and run in the opposite direction I get. I am not turned on by these guys sexually either. I have tried to go against this feeling and date some of these guys but I literally cannot do it, everything they say makes me cringe.

 

It's so horrible of me but I keep getting myself into these abusive relationships and ending up a crying mess in my bed when it all goes to and then wonder why. I don't even like these guys as people, I would never be friends with them because I know they are horrible people. All most of them do is throw money at me and then tell me 'Oh if i didn't care about you ... why would i buy you _____ and _____ ... you're so selfish and ungrateful", but the way they speak to me does not reflect what they are saying EVER. And then, I just seem to start up a new relationship with another one and I want to know how to break this cycle. I have tried being by myself but it's like I get sucked into these guys like a black hole haha. Anyone been in this situation before and know how to break it? Shall i speak to a psychologist is that even worth it or is it something I can figure out on my own?

 

NO STUPID SARCASTIC REPLIES PLEASE. Thanks.

[reinventmyself]

Not the same, but similar. . but yes, therapy will help you unravel why are attracted to and keep attracted the same type of man.

[Findingnemo94]

My dad is very abusive to my mum? Shouts at her all the time etc? I have next to no relationship with him because I hate him so much as a person. Could have something to do with it..I have no idea haha

[Starlight925]

Yes, you should get a therapist. One who is trained in Imago therapy would be most helpful, as Imago deals with our romantic relationships as they relate to our relationships with our parents.

 

In the meantime, the one thing you can do is to change your thinking from "Why am I attracting these wrong men" to "Why am I accepting them?" So, at the first sign of one of these horrendous comments (and yes, I agree, your examples are terrible), it's time to leave, so that they don't blow up into long-term relationships.

 

People show you who they are, and you need to believe them. The earlier this stuff gets shown, the better. We make all sorts of excuses, because he's so sweet, and he apologizes, and he brings flowers, but then....back to the same. The first time, should be the last. I am just now ending a 1 1/2 year relationship with different issues, but those issues appeared in month 1 of our relationship, and I bought into all the "Oh but I love you so much" garbage. Trust me, this does not get better.

 

Look at it this way: The moment a guy makes fun of you, and then calls you too sensitive (which is one of the first stages of abusive behavior BTW), he's giving you a gift. Take that gift, and leave him.

[reinventmyself]

My dad is very abusive to my mum? Shouts at her all the time etc? I have next to no relationship with him because I hate him so much as a person. Could have something to do with it..I have no idea haha

 

That's a good start.

Work this out with a therapist. It's a good investment, especially if you are committed to doing things differently.

[Hollyj]

How quickly do you sleep with people? Have you considered dating for a while before having sex? You need to get to know people's character.

 

Also, why do you continue to date people that are hot/cold and abusive? Why don't you walk after the first time?

 

Sounds like you have an issue with trust and availability; otherwise you would not be attracted to abusive men.

 

I suggest you stop dating and get therapy to understand why YOU are attracted to these types.