Ex won't talk to me at all and is ignoring me. Disastrous affair.

[vincenzo88]

So to begin, 10 years ago I moved to Korea. I met and fell in love with my wife and we have 3 children that give me reason to wake up everyday and who are my world. For the whole ten years I have lived in Korea I have felt pretty much cut off and isolated and alone. It's very lonely as I don't really have any good deep friendships here and most of my relationships seem to be connected to work...

 

Fast forward 7 years and due to my wife and I working together we both begin to argue a lot and I find myself falling out of love with her. And this point I start a series of affairs with women that are short lived and typical pointless affairs. I remain with my wife because I do love her as she is a good wife and great mum and because I don't want my children to experience a broken home and I want them to have a happy carefree life without pain or insecurities...

 

Fast forward to 8 years and I meet and fall in love with a woman who I feel is my soulmate. I never really believed in soulmates but when I met her, I really felt it and believed it was fate and she felt the same way as I did. She understands that I am married with kids and is supportive and loving. At the time she is also in an unhappy relationship which after we have been dating for 2 months she breaks off due to not being in love with her partner anymore.

 

We spend nearly everyday together and fall deeper in love it seems. However, over time I realize that she lies about certain things and that she is continuing talking to another guy on Facebook, which we argue about... We get back together and are happy again. When I am with her I feel both happy and at the same time as I know I am hurting my wife and I am being dishonest but I am also stuck as I feel as though this woman is the one for me. I don't want to hurt my kids but I also want to be with this woman who I feel is perfect for me.

 

4 months into this relationship we both find out she is pregnant. I am both crushed and happy at the same time. I'm crushed because I know my children will hate me and my wife will be so hurt but at the same time I'm happy that this woman will have my child. After much thought I selfishly ask the woman to get an abortion as soon as possible because I can't live with the fact that my children will hate me. However, in Korea they don't have an abortion pill. And if there was to be an abortion I wanted to be as soon as possible. But Korea only has the surgical procedure. Which I didn't want at all. My lover wants to have the baby and I say I will give money every month to support her and the baby but I can't be a proper father to the baby as I already have a family. So I tell her I will support her as much as possible and I will try to be a part of the babies life as much as I can.

After talking with her family she decides to get an abortion as she still lives at home with her family and they tell her they can't help her be a single mother.

To be honest, I feel relieved but I also feel so hurt that the baby will die now and it's all my fault because I couldn't marry her and do the right thing. I feel so guilty and feel like I am going to go to hell now. I hope the baby can understand me and doesn't blame me. I would have had the baby if I could.

 

The day of the surgery I wait for her parents to bring her home. It's the worst day of my life because I know I have hurt this woman that I love and I have hurt her in a way that will affect her for the rest of her life. I'm so scared that she will die during surgery that I pray to god to let her come home safe. When her parents arrive back at the house I carry her inside and we cry together. We had named the baby before the procedure and we both talk about him and that he is in heaven now. I look at this woman in the bed and I feel that I have ruined her life. I really feel that I am destined for hell now. But we feel that this has bought us closer together and bonded us together. So we keep seeing each other and promise her father that we will just be friends as I am already married with children.

After a few weeks our relationship turns sexual again and after we have sex again, it makes me become very scared and anxious that she will become pregnant again and the same things will happen again. I tell her we should take time apart as we can't stop the sexual part of our relationship and I'm scared and anxious she will become pregnant again. She is devastated and angry and says that I am abandoning her but I tell her I'm not and it's just a short break so we can relax and learn to be friends. Over this break I am so scared that she has become pregnant again. I pester her every few days to get pregnancy tests done. Again at this time I am really low and thinking about ending my life. However for my children, I push this thought away after a little time and overcome by guilt I tell my wife everything about the affair and she quickly forgives me. Telling me that to stay as a family is the most important thing. But she is so hurt and I feel so guilty for betraying her and making her cry. I feel like a worthless person who hurts everyone I love.

 

I still can't let the other woman go and we continue to call and meet and I tell her to move on and find a boyfriend because I can't make her happy and I can't give her the things that she needs and deserves. However over time I realize that I love her too much and on my birthday I ask her to come and meet me as I want to tell her that I will leave my family for her and we can be together. However, she doesn't answer her phone and doesn't respond to messages. So I spend my birthday alone in a bar wondering where she is. I have a strong feeling in my gut that she is with another guy... and the next day she messages me to say that she was with a guy friend and some female coworkers. But she says nothing happened. But I feel differently so all day I ask her to tell me the truth but she refuses until she threatens suicide. Finally she admits to having sex with the guy after I trick her into believing that I know him but she says that he forced her. For the next few weeks I question her and the truth comes out slowly that he was a guy she met and she was trying to move on but the guy was just playing for a one night stand. I am devastated. I am devastated that she did this on my birthday and I am devastated that she lied to me for so long about it. She blames me because she says that I forced her to move on and she didn't want that guy really. At the same time we are both arguing about this I find another guy on her phone that she is messaging. I accuse her of sleeping with this guy. She denies it for a month before admitting that she did have sex with him but that he really did force her. She tells me that she did all this because she was lonely and she needed a friend and she needed to move on because she felt as though I had thrown her and the baby away and betrayed them both. This whole situation has really destroyed us both. I am jealous and bitter that she slept with two other guys so quickly after we took a break but the worst thing is that she lied to me for so long. It's really hard for me to forgive her as I thought she was my soulmate but she lied to me. She says she lied to me because she didn't want to lose me but now I feel that the trust has been broken. However, I love her so much that I forgive her and she forgives me. We continue our relationship and things are back to normal with us but my homelife is suffering as I don't spend as much time with my family anymore. I feel heartbroken for my kids but I can't let them go and I feel like I can't trust my lover so much anymore but we can't let each other go because we both love each other too much. However we decide to try and be friends again but are still sexually active together a lot. The next month I buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday but the next day, I'm heartbroken and disappointed to discover that she is again talking to another different guy on Facebook that she lied about. But I do know that nothing sexual has happened between them as he lives in Australia and we live in Korea. I ask her to stop talking to him and a few weeks later she does. I understand she is trying to move on because she knows I won't leave my family now because of everything that's happened between us... Again, however we continue to love each other and have sex together...

 

In November we take a trip away and it's really great and fun, however I find out again that she has contacted another guy who lives in America, an old friend, and we spend the rest of the holiday and flight home arguing. We break up and she says she is going to kill herself and I try my best to support her because I'm really worried because my father tried to kill himself a few times when I was in secondary school which has mentally damaged me quite a lot and I beg my lover not to talk about suicide as it brings back very bad memories for me.

 

We get back together again and she promises me that she will always be honest with me no matter what but by this time I have become very paranoid about what she is doing and with whom... I often accuse her of cheating or lying to me. However over time, I build my trust back up and our relationship becomes better than it's ever been. We continue to have a sexual relationship and decide to be very close friends. I tell her that I understand that she needs to move on and find another guy but I just want her to be honest about it because I don't want the same things that have happened before to happen again, the lies or the hiding... The next few months are perfect and we become closer and closer.

 

However as the anniversary of the abortion comes closer I find myself becoming increasingly depressed and paranoid. On the day of the one year anniversary I feel myself becoming very scared and anxious. I don't want to talk about the abortion with her as I don't want to bring back all the thoughts of guilt and helplessness that we both had at that time. So when we meet I become paranoid and accuse her of texting another guy when I see her phone. I call her a liar and she tells me she is going to kill herself and I tell her we need to break up and finish. However a few days later we make amends but start arguing again when I find out she is texting another guy from Facebook. I become obsessed that she has had sex with this guy as revenge for me ruining the babies anniversary day. She swears she hasn't but I call her a liar and the next few days are spent arguing and accusing. I want to believe her so much and she promised that she had changed after the last time but it's so hard for me to change and completely believe her as it's happened so many times before. She completely blocks all of her Facebook which makes me even more suspicious. She goes on holiday with her cousins and we make up and our relationship is somewhat back to normal, but within a day or so I become suspicious of her again and accuse her of lying and cheating on me again. When she returns from holiday and I am still paranoid she breaks up with me and tells me to leave her alone. But I feel it in my gut again that she has cheated on me again because I feel she is acting exactly the same way as she did with the last time few times. She swears to our baby in heaven that she isn't lying and even self harms by cutting her legs because she says I am driving her crazy with accusations. I ask her to add me to her Facebook and she refuses which I see as a sign of guilt because I know she is talking to a guy on there and she doesn't want me to know it. We meet a day later and make up and things are back to normal but she says she needs time and space because my paranoia has driven her mentally crazy. We argue again and I accuse her of lying and hiding again and even go so far as to message a guy from her holiday with her cousins to ask if they had sex but he is only the bus driver for the tours and he denies anything happened which I believe and he tells me that I should move on with my life and find a new girl. However, my now ex-lover finds out about this as she was messaging the bus driver at the same time because I told her and she tells me she will call the police. I call her terrible awful names and we have a terrible fight and she tells me that I killed the baby and she wants me to die. I write her a long email accusing her of manipulating me and of cheating with a guy from Facebook on a night which is later proved to be false and I am proved completely wrong again. She tells me to stop messaging her horrible paranoid crazy stuff or she will call the police.

 

Fast forward to a day ago, I apologize sincerely for being wrong and beg her to give me one last chance to keep me in her life as I know I shouldn't have accused her so much and I shouldn't have made up stories about her cheating when they were later proved to be false and I should never have said nasty things to her because I was angry and hurt.

 

She keeps asking me for time to get over the hurt of everything that I have done but I can't let her go. Finally I decide to give her space and not contact her as she wants. But now I can't eat or sleep at all and I'm feeling so depressed because I loved this woman but now it seems she has given up on the relationship completely.

To make matters even worse is I don't feel in love with my wife anymore. All I can think about is this woman who I love so much but now have ruined the relationship because I accused her and said she lied about talking to the guy on Facebook and cheated again the same as all the times before but every time I've tried to prove it, I end up being proved wrong and drive this woman further and further away from me. I however still feel that she was lying about something to block me completely from her Facebook. But at this point I know she doesn't love me anymore and I know she is moving on but I wanted her to keep me in her life at least for the bond of pain that we shared over the baby that we both lost. I feel so depressed. She told me she needs time to decide if she will meet me again or cut me out of her life completely because she feels I can't stop my paranoia and always asking her questions and I should have just trusted her. Which I agree with but she doesn't take any responsibility for her actions that caused me to become paranoid in the first place.

 

I've been so depressed at home and have lost 2kg in 2 weeks. I told my wife that I wanted a divorce but she refuses as she believes it's better that I have a mistress than tear the family apart...

 

I'm really stuck and don't know what to do...

I want this woman in my life as I do really feel she is my soulmate but I just always get the gut feeling that she is lying to me and meeting other guys behind my back. I know I have to change now but I know it's too late as I know she is done with me now and she had told me to stop calling her and messaging her as she needs time... but now it seems like I've lost her and now it's too late to fix things with my wife as I only love her as a friend now... so I'm completely stuck and alone now.

 

Any straight-up advice would be greatly appreciated. No judgmental comments please as I know already that I am a terrible person.

[MissCanuck]

Start putting your children ahead of this dead-end, toxic non-relationship. Sincerely. You say you don't want them to have a broken home, but that's exactly what you're giving them. Where are they every time you're spending time your other woman? You are hurting them by taking time and energy away from them and spending it on your mistress. You're hurting them when you hurt their mother. If you think they don't sense the tension and discord, you need to speak to the adult children of philanderers who grew up in the type of dysfunction you're generating. Stop thinking of yourself and your needs, and be the Dad they deserve.

 

This woman won't stay in your life. You're going to just have to face the facts. She will eventually start a real relationship with someone who isn't already taken, because really, what can you offer her? She doesn't want a part-time relationship with no real future. She's already moving on and is tired of the drama.

 

As for your wife, well, that's a decision you'll have to make. She doesn't want to divorce. So, are you going to agree to stay married? Or proceed with a divorce filing anyway? If you stay, what are you going to do to move past the affair? How are you planning to redirect the energy back into a marriage with a woman you view just as a friend?

[dias]

You do have some self control issues.....

[boltnrun]

How can you even think your home isn't broken? Are your kids infants who don't notice you're hardly ever home?

 

You're accusing your affair woman of lying, but you've been lying for years.

 

I hope this affair woman leaves you for good and meets a nice man. Then maybe you can start giving your family some attention.

 

And please get counseling. You and your family really need it.