getting over his past

[sparkler624]

Hey guys! I'm having trouble getting over the things that my boyfriend did in the past. I mean, what he's done isn't horrible (smoking pot a few times last summer, and then losing his virginity to is ex who treated him like poop). He did all of these things before he met me, and I know for a fact that he would never do them again. I kinda understand why I get so worked up about him losing his virginity to his ex, and thats because I was saving myself for marriage, plus I went to high school with her and never really liked her. And the drugs bothers me because I was raised very "anti-drugs" by my parents. I just don't understand why they keep bothering me so much though and why I can't let them go. I really want to let all of that pain that it causes me when I think about those thingsI love him, but I subconsiously keep bringing those things up. He's a wonderful guy and he always tells me that that was his past and he wishes he never would've done those things, but it still angers/hurts me. Any suggestions on how to over come this would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

[DN]

The only thing that will work is self-discipline. You should realise that it is not unusual to have pre-marital sex; the fact that you are saving yourself for marriage does not mean you have any right to impose those standards on others. And the fact you never liked his ex is not his fault - that is all about you, not him.

 

Plenty of people experiment with pot and give it up, the fact he has given it up is what is important.

 

If you feel you cannot be less judgmental of his past then you should consider giving up the relationship and make an attempt to find someone who meets your standards. Similarly, he would be able to to find someone less exacting and more understanding. To blame him for angering or hurting you about things he did before he even started going out with you is unlikely to make a relationship easy to sustain. If you continue to hold it against him he will end up resenting you, after all, if people cannot be 'forgiven' for mistakes, especially those made when very young, it would be a hard and lonely world.

[someguy69]

Over 50% of North American men in your age group have tried pot, and over 75% have had sex. If both of these are a problem for you, then you've really narrowed down your mate criteria before more important factors come into play -- like is he responsible, dedicated, hard working, loving, honest, etc.

 

You're worried about his past... but have you seriously evaluated these two items of question?

 

Sex: it's a long standing tradition that the man is "supposed to be" more experienced sexually. Most women prefer a man who is "good in the sack", and most men your age have no clue what they are doing. It sounds like your man has only been with one other woman -- count yourself lucky.

 

Drugs: it sounds like you (as most Americans) have been heavily steeped in anti-drug propaganda. While being addicted to drugs is a terrible thing, you have to keep in mind that alcohol, nicotine and caffeine are all drugs too. Have you ever had a sip of wine? A cup of coffee or tea? Eaten chocolate? Had a glass of Coca-Cola? Then you've done drugs too!

 

Pot is different you say? Not as much as you think. On all counts, both alcohol and nicotine are far worse drugs (legal status aside). Compare a hard core alcoholic to a hard core pothead. Do some research, and think for yourself -- and don't do all your research with information provided by the DEA, ONDCP or other government established or supported agencies.

 

Does your boyfriend have problems with drugs? Craves them all the time? Does his (current) drug use interfere with your relationship? With school? With work? No? -- Oh yeah... he tried pot a while back, and doesn't use it anymore. Where's the problem?

[Balthamos]

I have to disagree with the other two posters somewhat. First off, it's cool that you're waitning for marriage, and you absolutely have the right to hold someone else to that standard, especially someone you're in a relationship with. The drugs, if he's stopped, are probably not that big of a deal, but I totally understand the sex thing. If you really like this guy then I think you should try to work through it (have you told him that it bothers you?). If, however, you decide that these issues are too important to you, then you should end the relationship and should not (the way the other two seemed to suggest) feel at all guilty about doing so. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards, and you should be proud of them, not ashamed that you hold yourself (and your boyfriends) to a higher moral standard. Many people may not understand, but you'll be doing what you feel is right.

[annie24]

I really want to let all of that pain that it causes me when I think about those thingsI love him, but I subconsiously keep bringing those things up.

 

So this is the part that I notice. Obviously, you can't change the past. However, your bf seems to have stopped the drugs and now wants to wait until marriage for sex again. I'm wondering, what is it inside you that doesn't want to let go of the pain? Are you looking for something "wrong" with him so you can end the relationship before things get too serious, so you can protect yourself? (I find I've done that a few times.) I think that this is the symptom of something deeper within yourself.

[DN]

IIf you really like this guy then I think you should try to work through it (have you told him that it bothers you?). If, however, you decide that these issues are too important to you, then you should end the relationship and should not (the way the other two seemed to suggest) feel at all guilty about doing so. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards, and you should be proud of them, not ashamed that you hold yourself (and your boyfriends) to a higher moral standard. Many people may not understand, but you'll be doing what you feel is right.

 

No one can alter a fact in the past - he says he regrets what he did and that is significant. I don't think I was saying you should feel guilty - unless you have been misleading him in some way - for instance; if you have allowed him to fall in love with you, knowing that his past would be a barrier to a relationship, then that would be most unfair. If you want to hold him to a higher moral standard and feel he has already failed to meet it, then you should say so and end the relationship before he gets even more hurt - that would be the moral thing to do.

 

I was also struck by the fact that you seemed upset by whom he had sex with, not just that he had sex; that seems more like jealousy that moral standards.

 

I agree with Annie that you may be looking for reasons to end the relationship - if you are, then I again suggest the fair thing to do would be to let him go now rather than later.

[ReadyorNot]

My bf, before I met him was into drugs BIG TIME...

He lost his virginity at 16 and told me the day I met him at a party (he was drunk) that his past 3 year relationship "was only about sex".. and he even told me he cheated on her once (felt terrible after and vowed to never do it again)

 

Every once in awhile it bothers me terribly.. but he wasnt with me then.. he IS with ME now... and he isnt like that at all anymore... I have to forget it

[MChemEmma]

HI,

I'm in the same situation as you except my boyfriend was heavily into coke and ecstasy and regularly had sex with prostitutes in thailand (who seemed to remember his name when he took me there!) He swore to me it was all in his past but I've recently found he was still doing cocaine when he met me. He tells me he doesn't do them anymore but doesn't regret taking them at all and calls me childish and naive for not talking them. I wish I could forget about it all and trust that he loves me and won't lie to me anymore but everyday the drugs and women cones into my head and I'm starting to think it's not worth the pain. Pleaes let me know how you decide to deal with it.

 

Em