Unhealthy friendship

[maccerz]

Myself and a very close friend of my had a falling out about a month ago. I won't go into the fine details of our friendship because I'll be here all day but basically I find her to be very controlling and manipulative. She makes comments on how I live my life, questions what I do and generally just makes me feel like if I'm not doing something she approves of then I'm doing something wrong. Iv always been a people pleaser but in the past few years Iv been making some serious strides to change that. Anytime I get offended or irritated by the way she's acting she'll turn the situation around and say something like 'god I was only asking a question' and then acts all hurt and like I'm being a b****.

Anyway we were on a night out and she once again made a comment about my weight and how she doesn't feel like I eat enough (I absolutely do by the way!) in a public bathroom with a lot of other people around. I got angry with her and once again she turned the tables and made out like I was being nasty to her by snapping at her. We got into a pretty explosive argument and she started crying and left the club.

We didn't speak for a month but eventually met up the other night to speak about everything. I had a whole speech prepared about how I feel she's very controlling towards me and somehow has the ability to make me feel guilty in situations even though she's the one who's said something hurtful.

Well the minute I met up with her I basically crumbled. She started going on about how she's such a good friend to me and she thinks I think I can just treat her like c*** and snap at her because I think she's always just going to be around. I tried to put my points across but I just didn't feel like they were heard at all. She said the only reason she ever says anything to me is out of concern and being a good friend and that she would 'of course never want to say anything to ever hurt anyone's feelings'. I sat there and owned my responsibility in the whole thing saying that I need to control my snapping and anger, but she didn't own her side AT ALL. The conversation basically went in a direction where she's just a really good friend who cares too much and I'm unappreciative and just an angry person. I obviously let it take that turn but it's SO difficult to get your point across with her, she's so good at manipulating a situation.

I came away from the conversation feeling like complete s*** and genuinely feeling like a terrible friend. It wasn't until I sat down and spoke to my counsellor about it yesterday that I realised she had once again managed to twist a situation. She's incapable of any sort of self reflection and genuinely thinks she's a really kind person and a great friend.

We technically made up, and we were chatting normally after the conversation however we haven't actually spoken since we met up which was now 2 days ago. Iv decided she's someone I definitely need to distance myself from because she's just not good for me but the issue is that she's part of my group of friends. I don't want to have to isolate myself from my friendship group so I need to find a way of remaining a more distant friend to her.. I just have no idea how to do it. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Another friend of ours is having a birthday dinner next week and I don't want it to be awkward this friend or to have not spoken to her between now and then. I want to text her just to have a flow of conversation started so it's not awkward when I see her but I also want to maintain a healthy distance from her both via message and in person. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can do this?

[theprettymess]

Hi maccerz, I'm sorry you are going through this. You are changing as a person and your friend is not. Your friend is not listening to the new you who won't stand to be verbally abused.

 

This girl sounds very self absorbed and is definitely a manipulator. You did the right thing by apologizing for offending her. You are a good person and were able to see how you hurt her. She on the other hand is too self absorbed to notice her awful behavior and how she is hurting you. But you can't control what she does. You can only control what you do. I don't think you have to text her. Say hi to her at the party and don't bring anything up. If she tries to make you feel bad for not contacting her than just tell her that was not your intention and you need time to work things out and that this is not the right time or place to discuss anything. Basically just shut it down.

 

As for the friendship group. This is going to have some type of effect but my biggest advice is to not back stab this girl to the others in the group. What goes around comes around and you don't want to make this situation any bigger. I think distance and time needs to be given to this friendship. If she can't change than you will have to downgrade her to an acquaintance who you are pleasant to at party's or group catch ups (I think that's what you already want to do). Hopefully your other friends will respect your decision.

 

Just out of curiosity, who asked to meet up after the month of silence? Do the other friends know about the big fight?

[Batya33]

So there are two sides to every story and it really might help you to consider your part in this, if any. Maybe the changes you made are being expressed in a way that is not the most effective in showing your new assertiveness. It's hard to change and harder to adjust your daily behavior to the new change. If you truly believe it's as extreme as she is "incapable of self reflection" (really?) then why would you want to interact with her at all?

 

If the friendship is over you be the bigger person and never ever mention her - even positively - because that could trigger the opposite or somehow become a gossipy back stabbing event. If you have to mention her because of logistics keep it to that "Jane will be here soon but she's in traffic".

 

If you are reacting to her by exploding and crying that's never going to work -so your choice is to make a different choice as to how you react or choose to distance yourself if you truly feel that you can't make a different choice when it comes to her.

[maccerz]

Hi maccerz, I'm sorry you are going through this. You are changing as a person and your friend is not. Your friend is not listening to the new you who won't stand to be verbally abused.

 

This girl sounds very self absorbed and is definitely a manipulator. You did the right thing by apologizing for offending her. You are a good person and were able to see how you hurt her. She on the other hand is too self absorbed to notice her awful behavior and how she is hurting you. But you can't control what she does. You can only control what you do. I don't think you have to text her. Say hi to her at the party and don't bring anything up. If she tries to make you feel bad for not contacting her than just tell her that was not your intention and you need time to work things out and that this is not the right time or place to discuss anything. Basically just shut it down.

 

As for the friendship group. This is going to have some type of effect but my biggest advice is to not back stab this girl to the others in the group. What goes around comes around and you don't want to make this situation any bigger. I think distance and time needs to be given to this friendship. If she can't change than you will have to downgrade her to an acquaintance who you are pleasant to at party's or group catch ups (I think that's what you already want to do). Hopefully your other friends will respect your decision.

 

Just out of curiosity, who asked to meet up after the month of silence? Do the other friends know about the big fight?

 

Thanks for your reply theprettymess! I've probably painted her out to be worse than she is because im angry at the moment haha. She can be a very good friend and very caring, however I think she thinks that she has a right to comment on my life when she doesn't and although she'd say otherwise I think there's sometimes malice behind it. The issue is that the way in which its done is quite subtle and so is difficult to pull her up on a lot of the time.

I was the one who suggested meeting up. She cancelled our first meet up and then contacted me a week later to organise another one. I've been very careful about who I speak to about all of this, I've said nothing to any of our mutual friends and dont plan to.

I think I just have to stop thinking about it so much, it's just at the forefront of my mind today but I'm hoping with time I'll be able to let the irritation go because it's totally unproductive

[maccerz]

So there are two sides to every story and it really might help you to consider your part in this, if any. Maybe the changes you made are being expressed in a way that is not the most effective in showing your new assertiveness. It's hard to change and harder to adjust your daily behavior to the new change. If you truly believe it's as extreme as she is "incapable of self reflection" (really?) then why would you want to interact with her at all?

 

If the friendship is over you be the bigger person and never ever mention her - even positively - because that could trigger the opposite or somehow become a gossipy back stabbing event. If you have to mention her because of logistics keep it to that "Jane will be here soon but she's in traffic".

 

If you are reacting to her by exploding and crying that's never going to work -so your choice is to make a different choice as to how you react or choose to distance yourself if you truly feel that you can't make a different choice when it comes to her.

 

Thanks for the reply. Agreed there are 2 sides to every story and I have taken responsibility for my part in it. I'm bad at handling my anger and irritation, I keep it all in and then snap at the last second. I have a temper for sure. I'm working on how to deal with that in counselling at the moment, for a long time I was working on how to assert myself and now I'm working on ways for me to be able to assert myself without snapping at someone in the process. When we met up the other day I apologised to her for the way I dealt with my anger in the situation, and for other things she brought up that bothered her, I was just expecting her to take some responsibility too. I possibly over exaggerated when saying she's incapable for self reflection but I definitely think her self awareness isn't great and that's always been something that's irritated me.

I think this is something I'm just going to have to try and stop thinking about because the conversation has happened now and there's not a whole lot more I can do about it. I can only control how I behave and I'm aware of what it is I have to work on, I just don't know how to handle the situation now that we're not NOT speaking but also not speaking (if that makes sense haha) I've never been in a situation like this before and just unsure of where to go from here

[Hollyj]

I have the same situation with a guy who is a bully. I stopped all communication with him. I am close to his partner, and we communicate with one another.

 

When I see him at friend gatherings, I am pleasant and social. This is all you need to do. There is no reason that you have to be friend with this woman.

 

Don't make this harder than it has to be..

[Hollyj]

OP,

 

She is a controlling. She does not like to be challenged. These people do not change.

 

No one in this friend group knows how I feel about this guy. Keep it to yourself. No reason to be a gossip and stir up trouble. This is between the two of you.

[Batya33]

It says a lot about you that you are putting all this thought into this and trying to resolve it in the best way possible.

[catfeeder]

the issue is that she's part of my group of friends. I don't want to have to isolate myself from my friendship group so I need to find a way of remaining a more distant friend to her.. I just have no idea how to do it. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

 

Sure, I'd use the 'bad friend' label she manipulated to my full advantage. I'd cut my level of response to her messages at least in half, and if she attempts to confront me about this, I'd tell her that I really appreciate her input during our talk, and I've decided to take some time and distance from her to work on my issues. I'd thank her for opening my eyes to my need for this, and I'd thank her in advance for being patient while I invest in myself for a while.

 

Then I'd be civil and warm whenever our paths cross in public or among other friends, but I'd avoid positioning myself to be alone with her--ever again.

 

Head high, you're very smart.