Is it important to identify the threat?

[NotSureAtAll]

Hi, I'm new here. Just found this site through lots of googling. Not sure how to ask this, so I will just jump right in.

 

I think I survived a relationship that was headed towards physical abuse. It took me a while to see that my husband was emotionally abusive. He made me feel as if I could do nothing right. I always felt like he was watching me and judging me 24/7. If I did something a different way from what he would've done, he would give me a look or make this weird noise so that I would know he thought I was doing it wrong. Immediately, I could tell that he must've either saw his mom go through an abusive situation or he was abused himself. Months after we were married, he confirmed both of my suspicions. His abusers never got in trouble and his parents did nothing to help him... not even counseling. He was abused for 3 years and then life just went on as if nothing happened.

 

Things got especially bad when our baby was born. Before our child was born, he would always tell me I was a great mom to my child from a previous relationship. He said I was so nurturing and that's what attracted him to me. After our child was born, it was as if he thought I was incompetent when it came to dealing with babies.

 

He was very cold towards the end. Towards me and my child from a previous relationship. I can take a lot but when he started being that way towards my child, that really upset me. He would claim he didn't think he was doing anything wrong but he would work on it (he never did). I decided to leave him when it was clear that he didn't give a crap about my child, or me. Boy, did that piss him off.

 

The last 2 months in the house with him were pure hell. It was a very threatening environment. I felt like I had to be ready to defend myself at any given moment. He never hit me and never said he would, BUT the insane look in his eyes when he was angry made me see that he was fully capable of hitting me. And when he was upset, he would say the nastiest things about me. That's so scary. How did I marry someone like this and bring him into my child's life...

 

So here's my question. I felt like I narrowly escaped a situation that would have ended badly. Is it important to identify what exactly it is that I escaped from? In other words, I feel like he was about to start trying to hit me but I will never know if I was right about that... that gets to me. What was the unidentified threat that I fled from? Was he going to hit me (was I right to trust my gut instincts and leave asap)? I mean, I know I was right to leave. I just don't know how to feel now. I feel like I should get counseling and talk to people who survived domestic violence but I don't feel right doing that because my situation probably isn't as bad as others who actually suffered physical abuse.

 

After typing all this, I think I've been trying to convince myself that it probably wasn't that bad but I felt it in my heart/soul that I needed to get me and my kids out of there asp.

[Seraphim]

Kudos to you for getting you and your kids out. My mom's best friend is DEAD because of domestic abuse and I have PTSD because my mom stayed with my abusive dad too long.

 

Protecting yourself and your children is your job .

[boltnrun]

He was already starting in on your child.

 

Do you want your child to grow up in that kind of environment, get all kinds of messed up in the head, then confront you years from now asking "Mom, why did you allow that to happen to me?"

 

Every time you get to feeling lonely or that it "wasn't that bad", imagine that scenario.

[NotSureAtAll]

He was already starting in on your child.

 

Do you want your child to grow up in that kind of environment, get all kinds of messed up in the head, then confront you years from now asking "Mom, why did you allow that to happen to me?"

 

Every time you get to feeling lonely or that it "wasn't that bad", imagine that scenario.

 

After reading your response, I realized you may have read it differently than I intended for it to come across. This isn't a message about whether or not I should go back. I've been out of that house for almost a year now and the divorce was recently finalized. This message is about me trying to work thru what I experienced so that I can be in the healthiest place possible.

[NotSureAtAll]

Thank you very much! That was very kind of you to say that. I pictured that happening to my kids and that definitely helped me to make the best decisions for them in the short and long term. I'm sorry your mom didn't get out sooner. I can definitely see how a person could feel trapped... If I didn't have my own career/money, it would've been hard to leave him as fast as I did.

[NotSureAtAll]

Kudos to you for getting you and your kids out. My mom's best friend is DEAD because of domestic abuse and I have PTSD because my mom stayed with my abusive dad too long.

 

Protecting yourself and your children is your job .

 

Thank you very much! That was very kind of you to say that. I pictured that happening to my kids and that definitely helped me to make the best decisions for them in the short and long term. I'm sorry your mom didn't get out sooner. I can definitely see how a person could feel trapped... If I didn't have my own career/money, it would've been hard to leave him as fast as I did.

[Seraphim]

Thank you very much! That was very kind of you to say that. I pictured that happening to my kids and that definitely helped me to make the best decisions for them in the short and long term. I'm sorry your mom didn't get out sooner. I can definitely see how a person could feel trapped... If I didn't have my own career/money, it would've been hard to leave him as fast as I did.

 

Back in the 60's , 70's and 80's women had no support to leave husbands. She did leave many times but got back together with him thinking she could " help him" be a better person and that would be good for her kids . My mom did have a career she was the CEO of a company in the 80's but she just had a really big saviour complex and wanted to " save" my dad . She even left and remarried and then got back together with him later . But she finally called it quits permanently about 26 years ago .