Male friend wants to be more than "friends"

[Daisy78]

Hi! I've been good friends with a guy for sometime now. I get on really well with him. We attend a music club together and have done for several months now. I was in a relationship with an older guy for several months before I ended things due to him being disrespectful and extremely controlling with me. I am currently being more ambitious and have set myself goals and I feel better about myself after a toxic relationship. I've enrolled on a college course, trainung to run marathon and taken up indian cookery courses.I have been single for a few months now and my male friend has very recently ended a long term relationship with his partner. He has moved to the state in which I live too and said he wants to spend more time with me as I'm good company. I attended a music event last week with him and we really enjoyed the day.. I get on really well with him even though he's 20 years older than me. He said after the event we could "take things to the next level". I said i like us being friends though and we get on well as friends.. but as I left to drive home he said "we can take all the time in the world"... now he's text me asking for us to meet outside of the music club. I don't feEl attracted to him and I don't want to take things to the next level. How should I turn him down? I don't want to ruin our relationship as friends. I like him but as friends only. Bit upset about it really as.I thought we were only friends and I don't want to hurt him but if I go to this event he might think I want him and it might lead.him on. I've never flirted with him... just been usual self.

[Batya33]

If you are sure you don't and won't have those feelings for him say it simply and directly with no back story or apologies. "I enjoy spending time with you and I don't have romantic feelings for you. I hope we can still be friends."

[SherrySher]

Yeah, you don't owe him any explanations. Let him know that you appreciate his friendship but that's all it ever will be. If he is any kind of decent man he will respect your wishes and won't try to force or change your mind.

 

The unfortunate part though is, now that you know how he feels, you are going to have to dial back the time you spend with him otherwise he will get the wrong idea and think that you still might change your mind.

[Daisy78]

Yeah, you don't owe him any explanations. Let him know that you appreciate his friendship but that's all it ever will be. If he is any kind of decent man he will respect your wishes and won't try to force or change your mind.

 

The unfortunate part though is, now that you know how he feels, you are going to have to dial back the time you spend with him otherwise he will get the wrong idea and think that you still might change your mind.

 

Yeah as he could get the wrong idea... I thought he would never have made a move as he's like 20 years older than me but .. I've never flirted with him only ever been friends.

[SherrySher]

Maybe he figured seeing as you dated someone older before that he had a chance.

[wom360]

I think you should prepare yourself to lose this friendship.

[Daisy78]

I think you should prepare yourself to lose this friendship.

 

I think it will come to that. Sad but inevitable.

[pippy longstocking]

I think you should prepare yourself to lose this friendship.

 

I agree with everyone , I think this ^^^^ will be the outcome , once he realises he has no chance or you get fed up of him thinking you will change your mind .

[Daisy78]

Maybe he figured seeing as you dated someone older before that he had a chance.

 

Yes! Now thinking of things, that's true!! Bit gutted as thought if him as a good friend.. but that's all he wanted all along, he was just working up to asking me on a date..😣

[Daisy78]

I agree with everyone , I think this ^^^^ will be the outcome , once he realises he has no chance or you get fed up of him thinking you will change your mind .

 

Oh well... I've never flirted with him or do I even remotely fancy him.. but I honestly thought of him as a good friend.. I hope he hasn't moved just to be near me!!! 😦 but I never asked.him to

[Daisy78]

Maybe he figured seeing as you dated someone older before that he had a chance.

 

I'm worried that he's moved to be nearer to me... but I never asked him to do that... I've never shown him any interest whatsoever

[pippy longstocking]

Well it is not your fault daisy , if he has taken it upon himself to actually move in the hope of a relationship with you , he is not only very presumptuous , he is a fool ....not your problem at all .

[kleptoz28]

My feeling on the entire subject is, by and large, men and women cannot be close friends. Not always, but as a general rule. Unless they are hanging out in a group setting or one of them is gay, if they spend a lot of time alone, one of them is likely to develop feelings.

 

You're going to have to dial back the time you spend with him to help get the point across.

[Snny]

Typical move of playing the friendzone.

 

It is very difficult to befriend someone of the opposite sex who is young and single. Most of the time, they aren't looking for a friendship or will play it to get closer to you.

[ayeh422]

just be honest and try not to have expectations of what can happen. even if you lose the friendship it may end up only being temporary. after my ex broke up with me we had no contact for 3 years and i had truly given up on the idea of even being friends again until she reached out to me out of the blue. i've truly moved on in the meantime so now we can truly be friends again, but it took some time.

the truth will always set us free so don't be afraid to tell him your true feelings.