Ames34 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 This is the Getting Back Together forum! So in that spirit, let's create a safe place to talk about all the practical things we are doing to become happier and healthier in all aspects of our lives, and to discuss how we are managing hopes and expectations for our relationships. A lot of us still believe in the love that we have had with our partners, and there's nothing wrong with that. So let's take that energy, and channel it into some real-life actions to help us work towards the future we all deserve! *note* - this is not the place to argue about the merits (or lack thereof) of NC, LC etc... there are plenty of threads around that have successfully covered those Please feel free to comment with your ideas and examples of practical things we can all do in our daily lives to help us through these tough times.. for example: taking up new hobbies, learning new skills, moving house, physical goals, faith, travel, career goals. Let's give eachother words of encouragement!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 What I've worked on so far: *I have sought counselling for myself (I have some issues around neediness and clinginess that I have FINALLY been able to get to the root of, and it's been so liberating!). *I have changed my hair quite drastically.. I used to be blonde with odd bits of colour and it was a bit messy. Now it is dark purple, long and sleek *I have new clothes! I went through my mother and sisters old clothes and a lot of them fit me now and look really great! Yes I know this sounds vain... but wow it gave me the boost I needed! *I've joined three social groups: one for knitting, one for walking, and a general 20's to 30's group for drinks and activities. *I've got a car for the first time! I learnt to drive and got my lisence a few months ago, so I have a whole lot more independence now. It's a shame it wasn't sooner as it would have had a get impact on the relationship... but its still going to change my life now *I've written a huge plan for my life by brainstorming all the areas of my life I want to improve, and breaking each one down in to practical steps. So goals for the next 6 months: *Find a good job that I enjoy. *Learn to swim, get an open water diving cert and dive with sharks. *Climb an island mountain near where I live. *Join the gym and get fit again! *Expand my art and sell at local markets. *Learn to play a song on the bass guitar. *Join a yoga class and a life drawing class. *Save enough money to do a trek america tour next year. I'm sure all of these things will open doors to new people and experiences that I can't even imagine, and I'd love the opportunity to share them with my ex some day. But even if I don't, I will have achieved so much! We are still in regular contact, there was never any fighting or arguing so we are on friendly terms. If we do bump into each other, I will be in a good place to deal with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disenchanted Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 What I've done: - Yesterday, I booked a European trip and will be gone for about 10-ish days. It's my first solo trip but I will be with a group of people aged 18-39. - Been seeing counsellors Goals: - Go to the gym again - Do well in school - Get a part time job in the fall - Move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loip9114 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 What I've worked on so far: - Sought out counselling as well, helped me gain perspective and see all the necessary steps to get through this in a healthy way. I was afraid old wounds would re-open. It gave me the tools and handles I needed - Being very honest, I told pretty much everybody within the first week I had a breakup. My collagues who I work with a lot, so they know I might be a bit off. My training partners, family and friends. Also people I know who ask 'Hey how are you doing?' "Alright, some problems in love, but other than that doing good'. This helped drive home the reality for me. - I trained like crazy! I got very fit and am feeling really comfortable physically. - Ate properly, no fastfood or anything unhealthy for a while. Also I stopped drinking alcohol for a couple of weeks. - I went out a couple of times and danced like nobody was watching. - Kept working, nice distraction. - Obsessively checking stuff online for how to deal with breakups. - Sang my heart out with music in the car. Yelled when I wanted to, cried when I felt like it. - Helped a friend move. This was definitely fun to do. - Went into an introspection path. See what I can do better and improve on in myself. So goals for the next 6 months: - Get a black-belt in Judo, always wanted this. Always so close. - Find a PhD position - Get my own house again (we lived together). - Increase self-esteem, thereby lessening my self-hate and self-doubt. Improve my mental self. - Learn to play fingerstyle guitarplay or play by ear. - Learn to meditate - Move forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eshushi Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 What I've worked on so far: - Learned I don't have a personality disorder, just like 5 whole buckets of complex trauma (A huge relief, as bad as that sounds, because I can unlearn toxic behaviors I needed to survive and learn how to cope appropriately). - Sought out counselling specifically geared towards said complex trauma, as well as medication for depressional issues. - Reflected on myself a lot; Realized a lot of my behaviorisms in my relationship fell into the abusive spectrum. Admitted to myself that they aren't my fault, and that my childhood circumstances shaped me, but they aren't excusable. - Started hanging out with my friends more! (This was honestly the best decision I've made; I self isolate when I'm upset but... forcing myself to be with people made me realize I have a support system outside of just my partner). - apologized, rather profusely and over the span of multiple days, to my partner for not realizing how toxic I was being. - Got into new games, started preparing for next semester, applied for several second jobs - just generally putting myself out there. - Learned how to actually give my opinion more often rather than remaining silent on an issue. Goals: - Learning to drive relatively soon. - Saving enough to move out of this abusive household. - Kicking this semester's butt even though it's all night classes (digital media degrees have the worst schedules when it comes to lecture times, I swear). - teaching myself several complex programming languages to broaden my resume. - Just generally being healthier regarding myself. - A hopeful happy ending with my partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valavoo Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 *slams in* POSITIVITY!!!!! What I've worked on so far: * I've seriously improved my art skills * I have prepared for graduate school that starts in about a month * I have done volunteer work * I have relaxed because holy butts undergraduate school was a challenge * I have learned a butt ton of new recipes * I have reconnected with an old friend and we just clicked again like nothing happened and it's great * Recognized my mistakes in the relationship AND stopped blaming myself as the sole reason for its demise So goals for the next 6 months: * Get my art business under control/consistent * Get through my first semester of grad school successfully * Learn to love myself at least a little bit more - I can't defeat my depression but I can try to fight it a little more * Hopefully be in a better position to be with my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelr Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 1. Exercise 6 days a week. Even if its just walking for an hour or two. Gets those good endorphin's pumping to counter all the negative chemicals released in times of stress 2. Healthy eating is a must for me now. 3. Reconnecting with old friends. 4. Got a new job 5. Leasing a new car. 6. Going to work my ass off at the new job and buy myself a new wardrobe. 7. Therapy, both online & in the clinic. 8. Obsessively scouring the internet for websites like these, reading peoples stories, and trying to give advice. 9. Get a new place when the money is in order. For me, fitness & a new job has been a big one. I try not to let myself get too sad, and I make myself be social at least 3 times a week. Too much time spent in your room full of reminders can be a killer! Try to avoid that if you can! In those times where you feel like you are a little too sad, that is simply your mind, body, and emotions telling you "TIME TO DOUBLE DOWN SOLDIER! HAVE YOU DONE A HEALTHY THING FOR YOURSELF TODAY?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Wow how amazing to wake up to see all these posts!! It's so motivating I LOVE hearing what everyone is up to, especially the less quantifiable things like learning to love yourself, treat yourself better, moving forward into health and happiness. I really believe we have so much love to give, and it is our exes privilege (or anyone elses) to have us in their lives, especially when we are the best selves that we can be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disenchanted Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I also want to leave this on this very positive thread: I woke up thinking that I'm awesome. Sometimes I forget that I'm awesome and that's probably why she left. But I need to be awesome again, not for anyone else but me. Another thing - You are not alone. You are never alone. People are always rooting for you - even strangers! As long as you're not hurting anyone, people will always find ways to defend you and your mistakes. I may not have romantic love right now but there's a lot of love to go around everywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loip9114 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Oh yeah also a thing I do and did. While I definitely am contacting a lot with family and friends, I also tend to get in some 'me' time. Time where I am alone so I get used to it again. I went to the movies, gone rappling, drinking in bars or some parties, alone. While it still feels awkward and strange, it slowly gets normal again for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valavoo Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Add to this thread: Unless you were abusive or cheated, the breakup isn't sole-ly your "Fault". Do NOT fall into dumpee guilt, and if you have it, work on it. I give you permission to not feel guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eshushi Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Add to this thread: Unless you were abusive or cheated, the breakup isn't sole-ly your "Fault". Do NOT fall into dumpee guilt, and if you have it, work on it. I give you permission to not feel guilty. Also adding onto this: If you exhibited abusive behaviors unknowingly, you need to own up to them. Accept them, there's no point in denying the obvious, and know that you can unlearn them; Also accept that, if your behaviors were needed to survive in hostile environments, that those behaviors were learned and inherited from your abusers/childhood environment and little you didn't know any better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valavoo Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Also adding onto this: If you exhibited abusive behaviors unknowingly, you need to own up to them. Accept them, there's no point in denying the obvious, and know that you can unlearn them; Also accept that, if your behaviors were needed to survive in hostile environments, that those behaviors were learned and inherited from your abusers/childhood environment and little you didn't know any better. What do you mean abusive? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eshushi Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 What do you mean abusive? I exhibited behaviors that were very much normal in my childhood environment (children model their understanding of the world off the people the spend the most time with) but were definitely not normal in any way whatsoever. I never monitored my behaviors, emotional responses, etc because I thought that since I wasn't as horrible as everyone else (I.E: no substance abuse problem, holding a steady job, first one to go onto university) that I was in the clear regarding any fallout growing up surrounded by toxicity can produce. It took my partner expressing just how chaotic and self destructive I was to finally help me see that my emotions were coming from a very negative place within me. This article does a great job explaining what I'm trying to get across. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valavoo Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 I exhibited behaviors that were very much normal in my childhood environment (children model their understanding of the world off the people the spend the most time with) but were definitely not normal in any way whatsoever. I never monitored my behaviors, emotional responses, etc because I thought that since I wasn't as horrible as everyone else (I.E: no substance abuse problem, holding a steady job, first one to go onto university) that I was in the clear regarding any fallout growing up surrounded by toxicity can produce. It took my partner expressing just how chaotic and self destructive I was to finally help me see that my emotions were coming from a very negative place within me. This article does a great job explaining what I'm trying to get across. I don't think I would live to see another day if I had to identify myself as an abuser, tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eshushi Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 I don't think I would live to see another day if I had to identify myself as an abuser, tbh. yeah... I don't identify myself as one; I'm the product of childhood emotional and psychological abuse that never got the help, love, or care I needed when I was younger. I consider myself very brave for even admitting that my behaviors aren't right and seeking out professional help for complex trauma/all the negative aspects that came from being abused, as a lot of people aren't self aware enough to realize what's going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 How many times in your life do you get to reinvent yourself? In the midst of grief I've been able to get giddy with excitement when I acknowledge that because I am no longer in a relationship, I can start all over again and reinventmyself. Make a list of everything you've ever wanted to do . . and consider the possibilities. Because (within reason) they are possible. It's kind of exciting if you think about it. And it is possible because no one is standing in your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Share Posted August 8, 2017 You're right on the money with this one!!! ^^^^ Even in all of our pain and grief, there should be some element of excitement and looking forward to all the things we can now do, the whole world is open to us, and the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Shortly after my breakup, I changed the wallpaper on my phone to an image that says "The grass is greener where you water it". This has two meanings for me. Firstly, had my partner "watered the grass" of our relationship, I believe we could have easily worked through this. Rather, he kept everything to himself, and walked away without trying at all. Secondly, I now have all the "water" for myself. I will continue to water my own grass, because I deserve it, and in turn I will become the person I really want to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vesper Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 You're right on the money with this one!!! ^^^^ Even in all of our pain and grief, there should be some element of excitement and looking forward to all the things we can now do, the whole world is open to us, and the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Shortly after my breakup, I changed the wallpaper on my phone to an image that says "The grass is greener where you water it". This has two meanings for me. Firstly, had my partner "watered the grass" of our relationship, I believe we could have easily worked through this. Rather, he kept everything to himself, and walked away without trying at all. Secondly, I now have all the "water" for myself. I will continue to water my own grass, because I deserve it, and in turn I will become the person I really want to be post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiredOfDating Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Honestly not sure why I still come here. I've given up any idea of reconciliation which is what I should have done in January when he first broke up with me. The mind games that were played, and the hateful way he treated me post break up is something I set myself up for by trying to hang on. So....things I have done so far for myself.... 1) finally told him to stop contacting me 2) deleted all our texts 3) got myself out of some of the debt I was in so I can feel more secure in future relationships 4) paid off my legal stuff 5) started on my Bachelor's things I plan to do find a much better paying job get my POS car sold and buy a Jeep get my butt back to the gym plan a vacation for my son and me get out more socially Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffro15 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 My ex of 3 years left me and jumped in to another relationship about 6 weeks after. We are about 9 1/2 weeks post BU and I am pretty much okay with how things have turned out. - I have realized things don't always work out as we planned/hoped - I have come to understand MY mistakes in the relationship - I got a job (finally! 6 months post college graduation) - Started a regular workout routine again - Started hanging out with my friends again (they fell to the side due to becoming dependent on ex) - Joined an MMA class for hobby/exercise (something I've been wanting to do) - Started volunteering at a food shelter in my community (monthly) - Started reading self improvement material (and some dating material) - Been on several dates and have more lined up this week This was a hard breakup for me since I saw this girl as my future. I made many mistakes and she lacked communication to point them out. We have had very little contact since the BU and me moving out (she has a new bf, so doubt she'll reach out). It's hard to look back at all the things we had planned wont come true but it's also exciting to think that my future is open to what I create. I will have many opportunities to meet new people in the future and who knows, one of those women may be better suited to me. The thing is, I saw the signs, I actually tried to keep our lives as divested in those 3 years as possible (other than living together) for the simple fact that I knew we might not make it. So 9 1/2 weeks post BU I am okay whether she comes back or not and more and more I just don't care if she does (although, part of me hopes). Keep your heads up, keep progressing/growing/changing and what will be will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 Jeffro15, sounds like you have reached quite a good place emotionally, congrats You make a really good point about accepting the fact things don't always work out the way we plan or hope for them too. I think that is a pretty major aspect that a lot of people struggle with. It's so hard to see an alternative future when we already had everything planned out in our minds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loip9114 Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 -I've learned to meditate now, which I wanted to learn. fingerstyle playing I did for a while, as well as trying to get a morning route. But I failed to keep those going, ah well. -I believe I seriously improved my self-esteem already, but I am not done. -I have made serious strides in my recovery. I am now at a point where I have fully accepted the ending of the relationship and beginning to hope for a better future. While I still hope for reconciliation I am starting to forfeit this idea, as I do not wish to stay stuck in that. I want to give any newcomer in my life a fair chance. But I believe I will stay single for a while as this freedom grants me quite some opportunities. New goals: - learn more about human-psychology, philosophy, and also attraction as well as maintaining healhty relationships. - learn more about myself and my personal growth. - get that bloody machine learning course and certificate I have been busy with finally done! I started this 1 week before we broke up, fair to say I wasnt really that busy with it. - work on some bad habits, vulgar language usage and a bit of drinking (not alcoholic, just 3 beers and no more limits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haileym Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 This is such a cute thread 1. Spending time with family and friends 2. Spending time and money that I previously put toward my relationship into me! I've bought books, clothes, makeup, just anything that I've wanted but maybe felt like I didn't need before. 3. Putting more effort into my appearance again 4. Trying to eat healthier 5. Reading similar stories and how to get through my breakup in the most healthy way possible! My goals are: 1. Becoming more open to the idea that while I may never succeed in getting my ex back, there are probably plenty of other people in the world who would love to have me in their lives 2. Becoming more confident and self-reliant again 3. Growing up and gaining more hobbies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 I just realised a few more... Since the split (actually just before it happened) I began dealing with some of my health issues that I've head for many years. I've gotten both of them under control, and it's going to change my life in a MASSIVE way. It's a huge shame that it's only happening after the fact, because I know my problems put some strain on the relationship, but at least I've done it now for myself and my future. Also, I've just now deleted all evidence of him from my phone, all the photos and text messages. It really hurt, seeing pictures of him and of us together, and deleting them forever. But its another step in the right direction for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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