Felt so wrong

[Steve141082]

So me and my Wife broke up just over 2 months ago, she walked out after what had been quite a tough and stressful period for us both. We were together 10 years, married 6. She has made it clear that she won't come back and after I spoke to her 3 weeks ago she has said the next steps for her are divorce and she is looking for a new job in a different area quite far away from where she is living now.

 

The problems in the relationship started about 3 years ago when my Mum passed away, I couldn't handle the bereavement and started taking cocaine on a regular basis. This led to my depression getting worse and me pushing my Wife away. She eventually walked out 2 years ago while I was still in the mourning stage. We eventually reconciled 6 weeks later but not until I found out she had a 1 night stand with her best friends brother 3 days after she walked out.

 

I managed to put it behind me and forgive her, I had a couple of EAs really early in the relationship and she forgave me for them and we eventually married.

 

The problem again though was around 6 months ago. I started to take drugs again on a weekend basis after my 11yr old Sons mother (from previous relationship) stopped access to him after an argument. It was really stressful for the both of us, my Wife had a great bond with my Son and was a great Stepmum to him. She begged me to get off the drugs, but something always magnetized me to them, even though she took them too. We had been trying for a baby for 7 years and she had fertility issues.

 

She had an operation to help these fertility issues and I was the only person to go and visit her during her 3 days in hospital. I think the final straw for her was me continuing to take drugs when she came home from hospital as we both said we were going to get fit and have a real go at trying for a baby.

 

The night she walked out she told me that she had been chatting to other guys sexually online. I blew my top. Told her to leave.

A few days later she came with her Dad to pick the rest of her things up and told me she lied about chatting to other guys, she just said it to hurt me and make it easier to walk away.

 

It's been really difficult for me these last couple of months. Me and my Wife called each other soulmates and best friends. We were each other's rocks. Now she has cut all contact, blocked me on social media and the only means of communication I have now is via email.

 

She still wants to see my Son when I resume contact (which is currently in progress via court proceedings), I'm just still finding it hard to let go.

 

Anyway tonight I have been on a date with a girl that I have known for quite a long time (she was my sister's best friend). 1 thing led to another and we slept together. I went to the bathroom afterwards and felt so bad towards my Wife, I don't know why. It just felt wrong and now I believe I have broken my marriage vows even though we are separated, I started shedding tears, I eventually made excuses later and told the New girl that I had to have an early night just so she would leave. What the hell is wrong with me.

 

Ps. I am sorting out my drug problems via counselling. 6 weeks clean now, lost 42lbs in weight and feeling really good about myself again and also start bereavement counselling soon (which I am dreading).

[happyfrank]

Nothing is wrong with you. It's hard fixing a broken hurt. You learned the true character of your wife and the type of person she is.

 

Most important is to sort things out with court and have access to your son again.

 

After this journey is complete. You will be a stronger person at the end.

 

Good luck.

[Steve141082]

Thanks Frank. That's what I am trying to do, between work and smashing the gym all my focus is on my boy at the moment. It's going to take another 3 months to get sorted though. That will be 6 months altogether without seeing him, hurts a bunch.

 

Yeah I do see my Wife in a different life now I am out of the relationship looking in. I always thought she was a good person with a kind heart, but to walk away twice in my life at such hard situations sort of showed me what she is really like and what her aspects on commitment and loyalty are.

 

She said I never made her a priority, but I couldn't even make myself a priority, I let myself go so much with my depression, put loads of weight on, never shaved. I don't think she understands what depression can do to somebody, also she has never lost a parent or her own child. Yes she will have felt hurt by the lack of contact with my Son, but it's slightly different when it is your own flesh and blood, and you were the 1st person to hold him.

[DanZee]

Yeah, I kinda think you continuing to take drugs had something to do with her walking out on you. I also think that your version of what happened may not agree with your wife's version. But all you can do is straighten yourself up and try to win back visitation rights.

[Steve141082]

But she continued to take drugs right up until the end of the relationship, So that's hypocritical. Her excuse was that if I bought them, and they were there in her face, she would take them. In think the real reason was because of my depression and pushing her away again, and I also think she had lost attraction to me because I had let myself go and wasn't looking after myself. She couldn't deal with the situation so she did what she knows best and walked away.

[GGunsure]

There are people who will turn to drugs or alcohol or some form of addiction when they physically lose someone. Especially death and yes, separation or divorce. Let's face it, it's easier to cover the pain, hurt with addictions than to having to actually deal with the loss. Your main goal should be bettering yourself. Deal with the loss of your mother, deal with the addiction. For without dealing with these two items you cannot expect to get any positive outcomes with the wife.

[catfeeder]

 

Yeah I do see my Wife in a different life now I am out of the relationship looking in. I always thought she was a good person with a kind heart, but to walk away twice in my life at such hard situations sort of showed me what she is really like and what her aspects on commitment and loyalty are.

 

Naaah, sorry--that's leftover addict crap. You had early affairs, pushed wife away and took up drugs. There's not a self respecting woman in the world who would put up with that.

 

You can continue to negate wife's value if you want to--it's not against the law, it just won't get you anywhere. The hardest part about sobriety is facing our own behavior through a realistic lens rather than the one we paste on to excuse our behavior and that fact that we drive perfectly good people away with our OWN choices.

 

That's not a pendulum swing to making ourselves into worms who don't deserve happiness, it's just clear vision. Your wife has reached her limits, so I'd skip the goal of trying to manipulate her back or dating to find someone else to sympathise with your addict view of the world. I'd focus instead on getting rid of the addict view of the world.

 

Head high, it takes time.

[Steve141082]

I know I've got problems and they need addressing, which is what I am doing. I'm not expecting anything to happen with my Wife, not right now. But I wasn't sugar coating anything, everything I have said is true. Yes she may have a different view or aspect on things but everybody does. I am far from perfect, but so was she. All I am saying it takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break a relationship.

[eidetic]

Ok but don't let's focus on how your wife is at fault. You lost your parenting time because of an argument that probably stemmed from or escalated because of your drug use and behaviors and your solidly legitimate bereavement.

 

It's also key that you didn't position your wife as priority and that she knew it. That, on top of your early premarital emotional affairs, is killing.

 

The court process is a wringer. Do you have something in place to prove your individual recovery on an ongoing basis?

 

If your wife is also a drug user, this likely will not sit well with your child's other parent or with the courts or any evaluator, food for thought. It doesn't mean you ditch your wife, but it does mean that if she has a problem with you using, she ought to be taking reasonable and parallel steps to ensure her own sobriety. Otherwise this is all just name-calling and blame-shifting.

 

It isn't true that it's "different" when a child is your own flesh and blood, or that you were there from the start. People have the capacity to love a child as though they'd known them since before even conception. Again, just food for thought.

[eidetic]

Additionally, if it's possible that your drug use is sourced somehow in your relationship with your mother while she was living -- look into EMDR and/or TIR (also called TRT). EMDR is a short term track of about 8 to 12 therapy sessions that can target a malingering trauma memory and reprocess it to extinction or at least to far less impactful levels. I'm not sure it can resolve an addiction but it may help unlock and reframe old emotional injuries or toxic shame that may have led to the original drug use or dependency. TIR/TRT or Trauma Incident Reduction therapy is similar short term protocol (sort of EMDR "lite") that is sometimes used adjacent to addiction recovery programs.

 

These protocols may be used to process bereavement, but you can also look into "grief recovery method", also a short term process but with a facilitator in individual or group setting, to work through remaining or unresolved business about your mom. And I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are beset on all sides, and I know the contested parenting time can be the very worst of it. Be proactive as much as you can in your healing and recovery, and make sure as much as possible that what you do is quantifiable to the courts. I hope some of this helps.

[Steve141082]

I don't think the relationship with my Mother instigated any drug use while she was alive. When I was younger and I lived at home we would argue so much. As I got older and moved out, became independent, she moved away and we were so much closer. I have recently been diagnosed with Post Traumatic stress disorder after witnessing my Mother die. The doctor thinks the contact stopping with my Son may have brought things back, like losing somebody close.

 

I am receiving counselling for my drug use and should also be starting bereavement counselling in the next few weeks. I am honestly trying to sort myself and my life out for me and my Son.

I've been keeping myself busy at work, going to the gym and looking after myself. I have cut all contact with the friends I used to do drugs with too and am looking to move away from the area I live shortly for a fresh start.

 

I think I know what you mean about my Wife also losing my Son. They were very close, and maybe the fact that I concentrating and dwelled on my own feelings about it may have hurt her quite a lot, instead of considering her feelings.

 

I think I just need a whole new attitude to life and the way I look at it and others around me.

[eidetic]

If you've been diagnosed with PTSD, push for EMDR treatment. It's commonly used for PTSD and very effective in helping to reframe and understand or placidly accept what the trauma was about. You don't have to remain stuck with those memories or symptoms. EMDR can untangle and relieve them.

 

Grief recovery work can also reframe and alleviate old and new pain about any type of loss. The loss of parenting time and of your wife both are pretty huge and deep. I don't know what your timeline is for court, but you might want to put therapy (addiction recovery, grief recovery, and trauma recovery) ahead of anything else on your schedule. Courts and evaluators are going to want to see formal participation and completions, if there is any question about your safety as a parent.

 

I don't know what to say about your relationship with your wife, but if that is a marriage that you want to keep and believe is healthful or supportive at the core (aside from the apparently mutual drug use?), if she is a healthy person for your son, is it possible to enlist her help and collaboration in this? The point is, is the marriage otherwise reasonably healthy, and do you as a family want it to continue. If so, you need to communicate at every turn. If you understand how your actions or inactions hurt her or pushed her away, apologies and reconnection bids need to be made, and you need to make an effort to keep her not just in the loop as wife and your son's family member, but also make clear by your sharing and disclosures and daily gestures that she is your high priority. If this is a marriage that should last, if it is reasonably healthy except for the drug use, you can't forfeit her position or standing as though your son is the most important relationship of all. He is, on one level, but ideally that is a relationship that you and your wife approach mostly together and as an overseeing and loving unit. Child-centrism is not fully healthful. Engage her strengths and love and make sure you show her by your own that she is your priority person.

 

How central is the drug use in your marriage? Or in your life? Because you've got to stop that. If she was addicted or using before you, your use will always be a temptation or difficulty for her. And neither of you can be doing this while raising a child. He deserves your clarity and sobriety, and your true unaltered heart. You don't want him ever taking drugs on.

[Steve141082]

Me and my Wife aren't really on speaking terms at the moment. She has told me the next steps for her are divorce. She has blocked me on all forms of social media and the only contact we have had is via email. I have told her that if she still wants contact with my Son, then that is fine by me when I resume contact. I would never stop her from seeing him.

 

As far as the drug use goes, it was a lot of her friends and her sisters thst took drugs and I think partly influenced us. We were totally against them at 1 point, until my Mum passed away.

 

The courts don't know about the drug use and we never took them around my Son, the fallout with my Sons mother was about Child Maintenance payments.

 

I won't be back in court for another 3 months so hopefully that will give me time to get the help I need and to get my head straight.

 

My Wife has also informed me she is going to move away as she wants a fresh start and to be away from all the drugs, As her best friend is a user and her 3 sisters.

[Steve141082]

Was our anniversary today too. 06/08/11. Would have been 6 years married. So sad!!! 😔😔😔