Dealing with an emotionally unavailable guy?!

[Kiziamizia]

Just to give a bit of a background, two years ago I went through a very tough breakup that left me very hurt and I became depressed given personal situation that happened. The guy broke up with me, so I was extremely vulnerable and not ready to hang with any guy because I needed time to myself. Shortly after I went on a dating app only to talk to someone new to help keep my mind off things.

 

I started talking to a guy, right away when I gave my number he called me. Which I guess seemed normal, however he was calling me a lot right away. I'm talking like 5 times or more a day, and most of the time I would ignore him and other times we would talk, eventually I started to open up to him and told him everything I went through and at that time I was severely depressed and I didn't have many people there for me as in my friends he was the only one that would listen to me. He wanted to hang out with me but I simply just wasn't ready. So we talked on the phone for an entire year before we met, normally I know a guy would never do that.

 

I bacame so used to talking to him honestly every single day, and we finally hung out last summer. Right away I noticed he was extremely different then any normal guy I have been with. He is 30 , and has never had a relationship with anyone besides someone for couple months in high school. At first I thought he just isn't experienced in this stuff. He would never be able to make plans, or follow through on them. We were constantly arguing about it, and he would just always say he will make an effort, but given the person that I am, I always go out of my way for people so now it became me bending over backwards for him.

 

We were only friends because we were getting to know each other at first. Right away I noticed he had major attitude Problems which I never dealt with a guy that did. He would yell at me over the dumbest things possible, he would blame me all the time like if he spilt something he would blame me? I was always arguing back because I don't let people talk to me that way. Normally this a major red flag but he would go from being someone with major attitude, cocky and aggressive to the next like a child. He would be all nice to me and all lovey Dovey so I would just forget what just happened in a way?

 

He is a Gemini sign and I'm not bashing that sign but when I read up it said they were known to have two different sides to them. So I just figured this is the way he is.

 

As the year went on, he never went out of his way for me much to be honest. When ever it came to hanging out he could never make plans, or would always ditch me if we did. He would always tell me he isn't good with plans and has to figure out what he's doing the day of. So everytime it would cause arguments because I have never in my life dealt with a guy like that. I just kept thinking he will change. One time I cooked him dinner and he told me he was coming we argeed on a time and he didn't even show up or call me. I had to call him and beg him to come and he did. (How pathetic ) so that's how it's always been. Even when I was moving out of my house he didn't care to come help me what so ever. When ever we went to a restaurant he would order first never wait on me,

 

I didn't want a relationship to be honest because I never felt that I liked him, I always felt like there were so many things wrong between us that it held me back, I just wanted to have a guy there I guess. When we would hang we always had sex, and majority it was me Initiating it so I know he wasn't using me for that, but we would act like a couple. We would hold hands in public, we would kiss all the time , sometimes he slept over we did a lot of things together. But we never put a title on it. I started to feel I was using him for sex and just to have someone there because I knew I didn't feel a connection. I started to realize how he never listened to me. If I wanted to say something about me or talk about my feelings he would brush it off, or talk about himself.

 

Everything would always have to be about him. I never saw this side of him before. He was always looking at himself in the mirror etc. He just doesn't seem like a person that can emotionally connect with anyone to be honest. He started to remind me of a narsist. My dad is narsistic so I right away picked up on that. He was beginning to remind me of how my dad acts.

 

Eventually He met my friends and family as my "friend" and everyone that met him told me he comes off as a little dumb or doesn't listen. I just always made an excuse or felt bad for him and just accepted it he's this way. He never brought me around his friends or family even once. We never take pics together and never once did either of us post anything together on social media.

 

So come January he didn't care to be with me on NYE , at this point I thought it's just because it's too fast for us. I finally told him we are either strictly friends nothing else or we are figuring out what we are doing because I don't want to waste my time. At this time I felt like I started to like him a bit more then friends.

 

He began to make an effort, he would ask me to hang , he would bring me flowers sometimes, and he told me we are going to go the next step as I'm seeing each other. Sadly him making plans made me think he finally cared more. I felt happy with that, and things seemed good to be honest.

 

Then on my birthday he came late as usual, he asked me hours before what I wanted as my gift he got me a card and didn't even write anything in it he just gave me a blank card. I always thought it's because he has no experience in this. I know this is not normal. It seems like I always have to tell him what to do and he will do it but it's pathetic that I have to be the one to initiate everything. When ever it came to him sleeping over he like never wanted to. He always wanted to go home which I found odd.

 

The next day after my bday I saw his phone and he was messaging with another girl he met on his trip to Mexico ( during the time we were only talking on the phone) the messages were them calling each other baby and him saying he loves her I was so beyond shocked at this. I complelty believed him and never thought he was talking to anyone. We got into a fight because I freaked out on him, and he felt bad he did that to me. He told me it's just a girl he met in Mexico he will never be with her. I never believed him again or trusted him and this has caused me to become constantly on him about everything. I know i should of walked away but im not someone that has an easy time walking away on people, and also I have never experienced a guy talking to another girl behind my back. We still hung out but I knew my feelings were shut off completely, and he told me that he'll never do that again, and that he wanted to be with me.

 

So anyways after all of that I just wasn't into it like I was before and we still continued to hang out and talk and what not, and for some reason we have hung out more last few months then we ever had before and I began to feel complelty trapped. I wanted to end things with him and he would be so dramatic and crying or telling me I'm quiting on him so I would stay. He doesn't want me hanging with any other guy, he is always hot and cold with me.

 

He told me he doesn't want to date because he isn't financially ready for a girl friend. He still lives at home and is trying to make money and what not so that makes sense to me. How ever he can never talk about the future or talk about things he will always cut me off or tell me I'm pressuring him when I never once told him I want to date him or marry him.

 

I know that he is leading me on for his convenience but everytime I try to tell him this he will put the blame on me. He will deny it and say that I'm crazy and causing problems.

 

I started to realize he hasn't been calling me as much anymore and then he will sometimes just keep me where he wants me. If we argue he has been calling me extremely abusive names and never cares to apologize and he will blame me for everything and I've started to believe it. I know I sometimes start arguments because I constantly see him adding new girls on his social media and it makes me feel like he's playing me. He will never admit anything to me and always acts so innocent. So I will think it's my fault for yelling at him and him calling me names is because I pissed him off. Once again I never have been spoken like that by a guy before.

 

I'm always apologizing as if I'm in the wrong and kissing his ass. He will never flat out tell me he doesn't like me, he just constantly calls me crazy and that I'm always talking about the future and this and that and I've now realized I've been emotionally abused by him and I'm seeing signs that he is simply emotionally unavailable.

 

After an entire year with this guy, I feel like I'm in the weirdest spot in my life. I went from talking to him everyday for 2 years, hanging out and doing things and this entire time not realizing how he hasn't been there for me for anything when it comes to emotional conversations or helping me out with anything. He would call me a baby if I cried it's like he has zero emotions himself.

 

He has become extremely aggressive towards me. I went to dinner with him and at dinner right away he was giving me attitude and yelled at me for ordering too many things at sushi but then orders more then me himself ? He will give me a vibe that he like hates me out of nowhere and then he'll snap into a laughing fun guy

 

I honestly don't know what I'm dealing with anymore. It's like I don't know if he's just got personality disorder or simply that he doesn't care about me and is just playing me. When ever I tell him I'm done with him he will snap on me like a sycho and call me names and then blame me and tell me I screwed him up and the reason he is aggressive is because of me?

 

I know I'm not perfect and I've had many different relationships and I know this isn't normal what so ever and I know I don't do anything for him to act this way towards me.

 

I feel like I've gotten to a point now where I feel like I've gone crazy. He will always blame me for everything and this will piss me off beyond words because he never cares to understand me or listen to me.

 

He will always go from treating me like complete to them saying sorry and kissing me ass saying anything possible to make me forgive him. In the past he would tell me he's going to buy me this or that to forgive him? We went on a weekend trip last month and we had fun but when I was getting the hotel he was mad that I looked at a nicer one because he thought I was purposely making it out to be like we were a couple? Just because it was fancier. He will say something like that but then in public he is always holding my hand and being affectionate.

 

Also if I'm with my friends he will call me so many times and has to know who I'm with or accuses me of being with a guy. He will tell me how he looked at a ring before and thought of me? He'll buy me things but yet wants nothing to do with a relationship.

 

I know I sound crazy and what I'm saying anyone would tell me to leave him asap. I just never in my entire life dealt with a guy that is so up and down or aggressive and I'm a dumb way I feel like I've done so much for him and now I feel beyond confused by him. I don't know if he just doesn't like me or he's simply emotionally unavailable. I never had a guy treat me like their girl friend but then tell me I'm just his friend.

 

He left for Europe last month and the first 5 days he called me and then began to treat me like I'm no one to him again. This made me feel crazy I popped off on him because he messes with my head so much. What does he do? He just called me names and told me I'm a cry baby and need attention 24/7. Just because I know he is ignoring me and if I stick up for myself he acts that way. Then next day what does he do? He calls me acting like nothing happened and laughing and tells me that me and him are just friends having fun? He has never said that to me before. I texted him saying I don't want to waste my time anymore and I don't need a guy like him if he wants to call me his buddy and I will meet someone else. He responded to me by calling me the worst names possible a guy could ever call a girl , and he started to blame me and tells me I messed him up? And he'll never be normal again and that he won't be able to be with another girl for a long time cuz of me? And that he's not going to waste his time with a girl that doesn't know what she wants and he blocked me. I was so confused because he pretty much throws what ever he's doing to me back at me like I'm doing him wrong. So of course this made me furious and I got anxiety and for days I felt stressed out because I began to feel like I did him wrong and he wouldn't talk to me. I began to beg him to talk to me and he finally decides to call me as if nothing happened.

 

So I feel like Im dealing with a complete sycho at this point.

 

So now I'm left behind hurt and feeling used and confused by him. I want to walk away but for some reason I feel so mind ed by him and it's made me feel like I'm just not good enough for him. I also feel like he has made me become beat down. I never disrespect him and when he does it to me he will act like I'm doing it to him.

 

I just would love to hear feedback if anyone has dealt with a similar situation?

[katrina1980]

 

So we talked on the phone for an entire year before we met

 

Right away I noticed he had major attitude Problems which I never dealt with a guy that did. He would yell at me over the dumbest things possible, he would blame me all the time like if he spilt something he would blame me?

 

He is a Gemini sign and I'm not bashing that sign but when I read up it said they were known to have two different sides to them. So I just figured this is the way he is.

 

I just would love to hear feedback if anyone has dealt with a similar situation?

 

 

No nothing like what you described has ever happened to me. Why?

 

1. I would never spend an entire year chatting with a guy before meeting him in person.

 

2. I would have walked away the second he 'yelled' at me for anything (let alone "dumb stuff"), and blamed me for stupid shyt like what you described.

 

Don't ever judge a man's behavior based on his sun sign. His behavior has nothing to do with him being a Gemini or anything else other than he is just a rude, arrogant, self-centered a-hat and you should have walked away a LONG time ago, as described in number 2, above.

 

Moving forward, set higher standards for yourself from the get-go, and thus you will avoid getting burned by these types of dysfunctional men in the future.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is not meant to sound offensive, but you've taught him that he can treat you as such because no matter what, he won't experience any consequences. He has no fear of losing you.

 

You certainly don't deserve to be treated this way, yet you do have the ability to respect yourself and walk away. Keep in mind that we alone set the standards on how others treat us. In short, it's high time to send him packing...

[DanZee]

This guy is totally controlling you and manipulating you. It's like you're under his spell. He took a year to find out what you were all about and how to get under your skin, and now he can control you like a puppet. This is a classic example of an abusive relationship. He's trained you with the periods when he's nice and then the periods where he treats you like dirt. He's stripped your self-respect from you and made you subservient. And apparently, you don't have enough friends who could have warned you away from him and protect you. You may not even have the power to get away from this guy. And he's doing the same thing with this girl from Mexico and who knows how many others.

 

This is not a normal relationship. You've made too many excuses for him. Being a Gemini doesn't mean being a Dr. Jekyl and then a Mr. Hyde. And he's got you always coming back for more. You've got to get away from him before it's too late.