Should I contact ex girlfriend after 2 months NC?

[kj14]

Girlfriend and I of 9 months broke up 3 weeks ago. It was the first relationship for the both of us. It was somewhat mutual, to her ending it, as I saw it coming. Things started going down hill around the 8 month mark but we talked about it and things improved. I'll admit though I was a bit clingy every time I felt like she was pulling away a bit. During the final month we had close to zero communication as it seemed like she was still upset and didn't want to talk and I didn't give up but just gave her space and waited to see when she was ready to talk. She generally gets stressed very easily, and right now she is studying for her medical school entrance exam which is in about 5 weeks, and I didn't want to add more stress into her life. Finally she agreed to talk and said she still loved and cared for me but didn't feel a sense of "security" anymore and didn't know if she could go back to that feeling. She said sorry, as the lack of communication was mostly her fault. She said she wished that at least one of has known how important communication and certain factors were in a relationship. I said now that we know these mistakes we made if she feels like we can learn and work on them.She felt like too much damage had been done over lack of communication. I didn't beg for her to stay, ended on good terms, none of the blocked/unfollowing business. At the end she said "why does it feel like there is still unfinished business between us." and added "if i feel differently I will contact you after my exam (which is in 5 weeks).

 

When I asked her if she lost feelings she immediately denied it but later told a mutual friend that she had, and it was due to lack of communication. However I feel like she is unsure and didn't want to drag it on nor deal with the stress of this rough patch while already super stressed about her medical school exam. Reasons why I think she is unsure:

-she wished my best friend whom she has never met before happy birthday days before the break up

-she said she had my birthday gift sitting in her room and on the day of the break up, asked if we could meet up for that and I kind of gave of the vibe that I didn't want to (break up was a week before my birthday, she sent me a happy birthday text)

-she still likes pictures of my friends and family on instagram

-she said "I will msg you if i feel differently after my exam" (knowing the person she is I feel like if she had 100% lost feelings she wouldn't say something like that)

 

I have begun the process of moving forward (currently no contact) but my gut feelings still wants her back. My question is, should I try contacting her after her exam even if she doesn't contact me (that would be just over 2 months after the break up)?

Reason why I feel like I want her back.

-her friends and family love me

-same religious views

-same values

-rough patch/end of honeymoon phase, paired with lack of communication, and bad timing with her studying for her medical school entrance exam, let to distance between us.

[RoonilWaslib]

Okay, I'm going to try to break this down:

 

Finally she agreed to talk and said she still loved and cared for me but didn't feel a sense of "security" anymore and didn't know if she could go back to that feeling. She said sorry, as the lack of communication was mostly her fault. She said she wished that at least one of has known how important communication and certain factors were in a relationship.

 

This was a very polite (to the point of being a little unclear) way of breaking up with you. She took the blame while telling you that those feelings were not going to come back for her. While it may have seemed a little wishy-washy, the message was still pretty clear.

 

I said now that we know these mistakes we made if she feels like we can learn and work on them.She felt like too much damage had been done over lack of communication.

 

This right here is the kicker. If she wanted to stay, she would have stayed. Think about it; your feelings for her were (and still are) significant enough that you were willing to stick it out and work on things. Hers were not. This is the same message as the above quote, but more clear.

 

At the end she said "why does it feel like there is still unfinished business between us." and added "if i feel differently I will contact you after my exam (which is in 5 weeks).

 

What kind of game is this? I'm sorry OP, but this was a pretty crappy thing for her to do. She broke up with you, denied that she lost feelings (even though she said her feeling of "security" would never come back), told your mutual friend that she in fact DID lose feelings....then after alllll that....she's keeping you on the hook. This is unfair to you, OP. She sees you as someone who will wait around for her, pining, for a day that might not ever come.

 

So, long story short, no. I don't think you should contact her unless you want more mind games. At the very least, she did say that she would contact you, right? So just leave it at that. There is no reason for you to reach out at this point. If she does get in contact with you, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stick with someone who plays these kinds of games.

[seanryder]

Absolutely not. Never chase someone who dumps you. If she wants you back let her do the chasing. Have some self-respect.

[Elavohra]

I agree with RoonilWasib and Seanryder.

Just don't break your no contact. You'll end up hurting yourself plus your hard work to move on, to heal, to become a better you will go in vain.

She lost feelings for you, it's her loss not yours so you better keep moving forward and stick on to the NC.

 

Looking back is strictly prohibited.

[eidetic]

I don't agree. She is concerned with good reason about medical school entrance exams. This is not a cakewalk. It also is not cost free. It's likely she has some family pressure and financial concern, as well as performance anxiety about it. What this means (since you are not married, and since you personally are not funding her effort or education) is that she is preserving her thought processes and energy resources to focus on this very important event ahead of her.

 

She said she will contact you if she feels differently after her exams, which are in five weeks. So in effect, she has asked you for relationship reprieve until September. Is this OK with you, and do you understand the several angles and level of pressure that she is under and facing these exams?

 

This is not about you as a person or about the quality of your relationship, but rather about her need to focus on her education and career path. There may be components of family financial contribution or support, or expectation, and she is the only party in your relationship who is subjected to or can fulfill all of this expectation. If she is driven to her career personally of herself and not solely by her family expectation, these medical school entrance exams are important to her, even crucial.

 

She effectively has asked you for a relationship reprieve until September, after the medical school entrance exams are complete. Are you OK with this? If this is a woman you love, and this is what she wants and needs?

[MissCanuck]

I don't agree. She is concerned with good reason about medical school entrance exams. This is not a cakewalk. It also is not cost free. It's likely she has some family pressure and financial concern, as well as performance anxiety about it. What this means (since you are not married, and since you personally are not funding her effort or education) is that she is preserving her thought processes and energy resources to focus on this very important event ahead of her.

 

She said she will contact you if she feels differently after her exams, which are in five weeks. So in effect, she has asked you for relationship reprieve until September. Is this OK with you, and do you understand the several angles and level of pressure that she is under and facing these exams?

 

This is not about you as a person or about the quality of your relationship, but rather about her need to focus on her education and career path. There may be components of family financial contribution or support, or expectation, and she is the only party in your relationship who is subjected to or can fulfill all of this expectation. If she is driven to her career personally of herself and not solely by her family expectation, these medical school entrance exams are important to her, even crucial.

 

She effectively has asked you for a relationship reprieve until September, after the medical school entrance exams are complete. Are you OK with this? If this is a woman you love, and this is what she wants and needs?

 

No, she didn't ask for this.

 

She grew distant and is under pressure, yes. But nowhere did she indicate that she wanted to just put it on hold until after her exams. She said she will contact him if she feels differently. These are not one and the same.

[kj14]

Okay, I'm going to try to break this down:

 

 

 

This was a very polite (to the point of being a little unclear) way of breaking up with you. She took the blame while telling you that those feelings were not going to come back for her. While it may have seemed a little wishy-washy, the message was still pretty clear.

 

 

 

This right here is the kicker. If she wanted to stay, she would have stayed. Think about it; your feelings for her were (and still are) significant enough that you were willing to stick it out and work on things. Hers were not. This is the same message as the above quote, but more clear.

 

 

 

What kind of game is this? I'm sorry OP, but this was a pretty crappy thing for her to do. She broke up with you, denied that she lost feelings (even though she said her feeling of "security" would never come back), told your mutual friend that she in fact DID lose feelings....then after alllll that....she's keeping you on the hook. This is unfair to you, OP. She sees you as someone who will wait around for her, pining, for a day that might not ever come.

 

So, long story short, no. I don't think you should contact her unless you want more mind games. At the very least, she did say that she would contact you, right? So just leave it at that. There is no reason for you to reach out at this point. If she does get in contact with you, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stick with someone who plays these kinds of games.

 

Thanks so much for you detailed response! I agree with everything you have said. That is also why I am trying my best to not think about what has happened, or what could happened, and focusing on myself and trying to move on. However please take a look at what eidetic had to say. Though her studying is not as serious as he explains, like I have said she is generally a very stressed person, and trying to make this relationship work right now would only add to more stress and take time away from valuable study time. Now this doesn't go to stay she is studying 24/7 and doesn't see the light of day. She has a very big family and I know she spends time with them maybe once/twice a week just to take her mind off studying and relax. You might say, why can't she take this time to talk to me but she is not the type of person to push a rough patch we are having to the side and talk to me as if nothing is wrong. On the day of the breakup after apologizing for taking communication for granted on her part during the final month, she explained that every night she thought about me when she went to bed and why she felt this way. I explained to her that minimal communication on my part was not a sign that i didn't care, and that it was just that it got to a point where I valued her studying for her exam more than the way I felt, and was willing to be patient until she was done her exam, regardless of what that did to the relationship, because the last thing i wanted to do right now was burden her with relationship stress. To that she said, but I'm not one to drag someone on this on for that long.

 

I should also mention that that last date we had where I took her out for her bday a month before the break-up, that didn't end so well, the next day she asked for the re-do of the date the very next day. But given both our busy schedules never got around to it. A week following that when I tried to get her to talk, she was clearly still too stressed and even said, "I guess we will deal with this after I am done my exam." Again, this was 3-4weeks before the actual break up. And her exam is during the first week of September.

 

It is also notable that even back when things were fine between us, when we were both in full time school (we go to different schools), during final exam season we would talk on the phone once a day at the most, other than that it would be sometimes a month of not seeing each other. That was never a problem, as she also has strict parents so from the get-go we established that we wouldn't be able to see each other as often as other couples might. Even when we spoke of her medical school entrance exam before she even started studying for it, she said I will probably only be able to see you once a month, but I will still call you every night before bed. Again, this was discussed during month 7 when we were still in that honeymoon phase.

 

Given these reasons, is why am wondering if she was just unsure about what she wanted and just came to the conclusion of breakup so she could have a mind clear while studying. As of not I do not plan on breaking no contact, probably will just wish her good luck the day before her exam. Other than that no telling how I, or even she will feel once that exam is done in 5 weeks.

[Disenchanted]

Ahh, I contacted my ex after 2 months of NC last week. I guess it went well because we were both nice with each other, but it broke my heart that she's already over me.

 

Maybe it's a good thing if you want to know if you still want a chance and give up if she tells you no. But if this is a way to get her back, I don't know how it would work.

[kj14]

Ahh, I contacted my ex after 2 months of NC last week. I guess it went well because we were both nice with each other, but it broke my heart that she's already over me.

 

Maybe it's a good thing if you want to know if you still want a chance and give up if she tells you no. But if this is a way to get her back, I don't know how it would work.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that! Mind if I ask how long you were dating for and the reason for the breakup in the first place?

[Disenchanted]

I'm so sorry to hear that! Mind if I ask how long you were dating for and the reason for the breakup in the first place?

 

We were dating for almost 3 years. We broke up because we fought a lot and I guess I wasn't my best self (gained weight, unemployed but still paying for dates, etc.) and I guess she just lost respect for me even though I was already getting my life together almost a year before we broke up (back in school a year already, had a full time summer job, etc.) During our break-up, she said it was "too late".

 

Honestly, we were both depressed and during our conversation, we both agreed that we are not each others' reasons of depression.

 

I said she was over me because it sounded like that. She said she's happier now because she has lots of friends and she's going out a lot and getting drunk (both uncharacteristic of her). I always encouraged her to get more involved in social situations but she never pushed herself until after we broke up. She said she's open to being friends in the future, but only when I'm over her.