LDR & Unmotivated boyfriend. Help!!!

[megrcex]

I need help. Here's the situation. So I've been with my boyfriend for about over a year. We are now in a long distance relationship. I moved back to Cali after graduation, but he's still in the other side of the world in the Philippines. He didn't graduate at the same time cause he had a few minor classes he still had to take. He's done now, but still has to check if his grades are okay and if he passed, so he can complete the grad clearance, get his transcript and diploma, and come back to Cali. I always try to encourage him to do it and just start and get one thing done. But he's just unmotivated and lazy to do it. We've been in LDR for almost 6 months. I love him to death and I just want the best for him. For him to be happy and have success. To get his stuff done and come back to Cali. I feel bad sometimes cause to come back here and see me is not enough motivation for him to fix his grades/transcript. I feel like he's not trying to close that gap of the LDR, cause he's not trying to get stuff done. He can't stay in that country forever and he has to come back sooner or later.

 

The thing is, also, he's not sure if he wants to be in the nursing field (cause that's what he took). He doesn't know what he wants to do. So maybe that's why he's not trying to fix his stuff. Sometimes he gets depressed or down about not knowing what he wants to do, or being stuck, but doesn't do anything about it. Like even though he isn't sure with what he took up, at least work on it and he'll figure out what he wants eventually. I wanna try to encourage him to start with his transcript. Just one step at a time. Yet my trying to encourage him doesn't work. How can I help him?

 

(Side note: being in ldr for almost 6 months makes things harder cause I can't be there physically to help him.)

[j.man]

Why not treat him like your boyfriend rather than your son? Having gone through lapses of motivation in life myself, I can tell you that the very last motivator is a nagging partner. In fact, it's a pretty sure-fire way to get him to trim you off with the rest of the fat. You'd do much better to passively motivate him by being a positive distraction rather than an added stress.

[RainyCoast]

i'm just going through the post-degree bureaucracy and i'll have you know i only came close to crying, screaming and collapsing 478 times in the past week. i nearly escaped a head injury because i was syncopating from the exhaustion.

 

it's double the motivation-killer if you have someone nagging.

[Snny]

The thing is, also, he's not sure if he wants to be in the nursing field (cause that's what he took). He doesn't know what he wants to do. So maybe that's why he's not trying to fix his stuff. Sometimes he gets depressed or down about not knowing what he wants to do, or being stuck, but doesn't do anything about it.

That's just the problem- he doesn't know what he wants to do, and he isn't going to waste away years of school in something he doesn't like.

 

My husband (also Filipino) came over to become a nurse through a program. He got a job as an RN and absolutely HATED it. He had terrible schedulers- he couldn't have off on a single holiday within a year and was expected to work all of them, and tjat costed us time together because we had opposite work schedules (and we lived together too). What really pushed him over the edge was higher ups treating him like crap while he was doing trauma care, and the pay wasn't as high with the amount of work he did. He burned out within 2 and a half years and decided nursing was not for him. He went to medical trade school to study sonography. He absolutely LOVES his job, works with amazing staff in a less stressful environment and receives excellent pay with flexible scheduling.

 

Seeing what my husband went through, I relate with your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is something he needs to figure out for himself. It sucks that to you, he seems unmotivated or even "lazy,"'but it's clear that schooling isn't his thing and he's got potential resentment from doing years of college to find out that it's not what he wants to do. At this point, you can either stay with him or part ways. As of now he's got a little bit of a month left to dedicr if he wants to go for a different field.

[RainyCoast]

i'm also disturbed with the fact you are making this about your own wants exclusively. this is his schooling and his career at play, it's ultimately his life that he has been doing this for.

 

i understand you just want your relationship back so to speak, but girl, not everything is about you.

 

whatever he does or not, it'll have to work for him first and foremost. sounds like you're not thinking about that all.

[Snny]

At the same time, the OP's feelings are valid. Being in an LDR for 6 months is tough. It doesn't make matters easier when her boyfriend does not have a gameplan to move forward after a half of a year. I don't live in California, but have traveled to the Philippines from the East Coast, and flights are long and damn expensive. Depending on WHERE he lives in the Philippines, visiting might be out of the question. I would not travel to that country right now with the political corruption happening (Thank Durente), and forgeiners being prime targets for false allegations.

 

As difficult as it is, it's time to have a talk whether you want to continue this relationship or not. Though you are in no rush, you also don't want to hold off on meeting new people when starting graduate school, and you've waited half a year for him to decide what he wants. It's also not fair to him to be overly pressured while thinking about his career path/living situation after being burned out from undergraduate school.

[megrcex]

Why not treat him like your boyfriend rather than your son? Having gone through lapses of motivation in life myself, I can tell you that the very last motivator is a nagging partner. In fact, it's a pretty sure-fire way to get him to trim you off with the rest of the fat. You'd do much better to passively motivate him by being a positive distraction rather than an added stress.

Thank you for your input. But how do I passively motivate him/be a positive distraction? In a way that doesn't seem nagging.

[megrcex]

Thank you for your input. But how do I passively motivate him/be a positive distraction? In a way that doesn't seem nagging.

[RainyCoast]

i mean you could stop reminding him of the stuff you believe he needs to get done- all the talk of wanting to motivate him sounds like you're a drill sergeant and also very self-centered in wanting him to take a step further simply for you, when in fact it's his life and he gets to decide whether and when and what step to take. you get to decide whether you can and want to stick with him through that or not.

 

why do you even assume he needs "motivation"? realistically what he likely needs is repose and no pressure and it's weird that doesn't cross your mind.

and people generally find those who support them when they're down and stuck just as much as when they're on top of the world intensely more motivating influences than those who pressure them to do things solely for other's enjoyment.

 

if you can't wait, or won't live with uncertainty, then this kind of thing is not for you. that's okay, it's not for a lot of people. but that doesn't give you the right to place demands on him that he can't or doesn't feel like meeting.