Broke up with my boyfriend because he uses drugs

[Popoki]

I am so sorry that this is so long, for anyone who gets through to the end and still wants to give advice, thank you so much

 

I am 21 and have been with my 23 year old boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We love each other very much. The only problem is drugs. I come from a world where drugs are bad and ruin lives. He comes from a world where every single one of his friends do it.

 

He has been addicted to weed before he met me, but quit because he didn't like how it was changing him. He gets cravings for it sometimes but doesn't touch it. When I met him, I knew he used cocaine and MDMA recreationally. I didn't like it but I knew it wasn't my place to try make him stop because he was doing this before he met me. I grew to love him and accept that maybe drugs aren't as bad as I always thought so long as you are not an addict. His drug use bothered me throughout the first year of our relationship only when it would affect me; for example he would cancel our plans together AFTER I HAD DONE MY MAKEUP because he was "hungover from cocaine." He would basically always put a night out first over me. But this was outweighed by how happy he made me, so I overlooked it. Over time he would prioritise me more and he just became a better boyfriend in general.

 

After our 1 year anniversary, he went to Thailand on a holiday "with the boys", took a drug called "stillnox", drank alcohol with it, and cheated on me with a prostitute. They all thought stillnox would have the same effect as MDMA, but instead it made him completely lose himself and forget about me.

He told me right away, and while crying to me he promised to never, ever do drugs again, of any kind (excluding alcohol). I forgave him and we stayed together.

 

Over time he began doing cocaine again, he has probably done it around 5 times since he promised to never do drugs again. He would tell me that he wants to be able to make his own decisions again and that I should trust him. He told me that if I try to prevent him from doing drugs, I am controlling him and he is worried that he will grow to resent me. He told me that he cannot fit in with his friends unless he is able to do drugs. He told me that cocaine is not the same as stillnox and does not make you forget who you are. He will never do MDMA or any other drug ever again but he wants to be able to do cocaine.

 

Every time he does cocaine (on a night out at a club or a music festival) I cry and feel miserable and disregarded because he is breaking his promise to me and undermining what he did in Thailand. He knew how much it upset me but he would still do it, because he knew that I would put up with it. He refrained from doing it all the time though. Which is why I don't believe him when he says that he can't fit in with his friends without drugs. He has been out with them plenty of times and hasn't done drugs!!

 

On Tuesday last week, I found out that he has done cocaine once without telling me. I also found out that he was organising to get it so he could do it for the weekend that was coming up (he was going out to a club for a friends birthday) and the weekend after that (he is going away on another holiday with friends, and I wasn't allowed to come). He told me he wasn't hiding it from me, he just didn't tell me, because he knows how I react. I understand that completely, but when I realised he was hiding it, something clicked in my mind. I finally realised that his drug use is never going to work with me because of how upset it makes me. I fear that he is going to get a drug problem or that he already has one, because he is hiding it from me, doing it despite the pain it causes someone he loves, and seems unable to quit doing it because of the people he surrounds himself with. He always said he would quit one day, but when? He has no plan, and if it is based on what his friends do, he will likely turn out an addict one day. If it is upsetting me now, what will happen when we have a house and kids? It will be even worse. So I broke up with him on Saturday. He was really devastated. I told him he can come back into my life if he makes the decision to make a REAL effort to quit drugs.

 

He went out that very night and did cocaine.

 

The next day he told me it was the only way he knew how to deal with his emotions. That it made him feel better but afterwards he was kicking himself. He said that he wants to fix it and wants to stop but he isn't sure if he can. Being around his friends is hard because ALL of them do drugs. He thinks he gets cravings for cocaine and after months of not having it he has to do it for that release and then he can go back to normal for a few months. He is scared to change his life and isn't sure if he can be without his friends.

 

We are now broken up and not talking. He said he would try to think of how he could quit but the real moment of truth will be if he can stop himself doing it next weekend when he goes away with his friends again. I want to have hope that he will choose me but I don't think he will.

 

Things are very hard for both of us because we love each other so much, I've been crying and missing him alot. I'm just wondering what other people would have done in my situation? Do you think I made the right decision by leaving him? Is there any hope for him?

[MissCanuck]

How could it not be the right decision to leave?

 

He already has a drug problem, he cheated on you, and essentially gaslights you by claiming you are trying to "control" him. This is a terrible and unhealthy situation for you. I would have left him a long time ago, and no way in hell would I have stayed after he slept with a hooker.

 

Yes, you have absolutely done the right thing. He is an immature person who puts coke above you. That is not a relationship that was going to end well for you, had you stayed any longer. You very much need to admit to yourself that this is incredibly destructive to you and he is a very shady guy.

 

Also, if you haven't done so, please get yourself tested for STIs and HIV. He took a huge gamble with his health and yours by having sex in a hooker, especially in a part of the world where HIV infection rates are very high among prostitutes. Do not take his word that he used protection, because I can just about guarantee you he didn't.

[Rustysuit]

I'm an advocate for recreational drug use, but from what you're telling me, your bf has a serious issue with it in general.

 

If it bothers you that much and it's making a dent on your relationship, you should set your foot down on the issue.

 

Most people who use coke don't end up addicts, but that doesn't mean they don't set on a path of destructive behavior because of it.

[Capricorn3]

How could it not be the right decision to leave?

 

He already has a drug problem, he cheated on you, and essentially gaslights you by claiming you are trying to "control" him. This is a terrible and unhealthy situation for you. I would have left him a long time ago, and no way in hell would I have stayed after he slept with a hooker.

 

Yes, you have absolutely done the right thing. He is an immature person who puts coke above you. That is not a relationship that was going to end well for you, had you stayed any longer. You very much need to admit to yourself that this is incredibly destructive to you and he is a very shady guy.

 

Also, if you haven't done so, please get yourself tested for STIs and HIV. He took a huge gamble with his health and yours by having sex in a hooker, especially in a part of the world where HIV infection rates are very high among prostitutes. Do not take his word that he used protection, because I can just about guarantee you he didn't.

 

I second this entire post. OP, no doubt you did the right thing. Trust me, you can do a LOT better. Don't waste anymore tears, time or energy on this toxic/dysfunctional individual.

[Doc Blaze]

He puts himself in situations to fail.

 

He cant change or he doesn't want to, either way its not good.

 

If he does change it would be along road to recovery with probably many roadblocks on the way.

 

he does have an addiction problem, and even stated that he used it for self medication.

 

you did the right thing.

[Giblesp]

Does drugs and sleeps with prostitutes. You know this is not a good partner, and you deserve far better.