Ex Still Contacting Me - Despite New Relationship

[seebee]

She broke up with me about 2.5 months ago after a year together. She was about to move in to my house (we were "long distance" but saw each other 3-4 days of the week) the week after we broke up. First month we were low contact and mentioned trying things again. But then at that same time I found out she was talking to another guy and I went NC and have been ever since. They are dating now. She has contacted me around 4-5 times. Most recent being a few days ago she emailed me to catch me up on her life, and she was really nice about things and said she hopes I am enjoying my summer and stuff like that. Then the next day she had her mom text me to see about shipping some of her belongings back home. She also messaged my mom that same day asking about these belongings and my mom told her to ask me because she had no idea about them, and she replied "why would I ask him its my stuff". I am 21 she is 20, so im not so sure why our parents need to be involved...

 

Then this weekend we randomly ran into each other kind of. I was with a group of my friends and her and her new boyfriend walked by and one of my friends yelled something at them and she turned around and waved and smiled once she realized who we were.

 

I think about her every day and miss her so so much but I havnt broke my NC yet because I feel like it is helping me. I want her back, but I also want to give her time to grow and see what she really wants as well. The way she handled a lot during the break up makes it seem like it wasnt what she wanted to do, but she was too stubborn to go back on the split (at one point early on she said "god forbid my parents think somebody is good for me"). She was very hot and cold; even sending me long emails saying there will always be a spot for me in her heart and later in life we will find our way back to each other.

 

I guess I just want some opinions on all of this. I know you guys will say she is choosing not to be with me so its obviously over, but deep down I can feel something still there and I know our relationship was too great to just be forgotten. We were perfect for each other.

[Ziggy123]

but deep down I can feel something still there and I know our relationship was too great to just be forgotten. We were perfect for each other.

 

Just because you feel this way doesn't mean she feels this way too. Actually I can say 100% she doesn't otherwise she would be with you. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you as much as you love and want to be with them

[Andrina]

Of course she had good points, but yes, she easily dumped you instead of pulling out all of the stops to make it work. You can't have closure because you allow her to still contact you, so she is staying in your life. And wow, she didn't waste anytime getting with a new guy. Your self esteem is lacking to consider taking her back at some point. Past behavior predicts future behavior. She easily dumped you once. She'll do it again after the newness dies down. Your fate lies with someone else. Tell her not to contact you again because you need closure, then block her if she doesn't care about your feelings. Take care.

[timestand43]

Hey seebee, as you said, you want to give her time to grow and figure herself out. Sometimes personal growth has to come individually rather than together, it's just how it is at times. From the sounds of it, you're doing well spite the fact she jumped into another relationship. Keep up with everything you're doing and figure you out man. These breakups make us pretty weak but after a time they can turn us into very strong versions of ourselves if self care is kept right. So keep it up.

 

It's normal to think about her everyday and honestly, she likely does too. If you two had a loving relationship, which is seems you did, it would be difficult for any both parties, dumper and dumpee to simply just forget. Unless she's a machine of some sort then sure, but not likely. We miss people we want back, it's normal. But just stay back, allow her to grow and figure herself out, and you should be doing the exact same too, figure you out. Time does a lot to people. The mindset you're adopting is very helpful, you seem to want the best for her given your circumstances which is great. Remember none of us knows what the future holds, we have no idea whats going to happen next month, next year, or even tomorrow. She may figure the relationship just wasn't for her and will increase her contact with you, or she may not feel that way. You as well, with sufficient time and growth, even you may feel the relationship wasn't for you. In other words you may think you can do better, and you might find someone else during your NC period. Just try to get to a point where you will be great, with or without her. Wishing you the best.

[seebee]

Thank you for the replies. Should I break no contact yet? I do need to ship these items to her eventually... or else drop them off one day when I am near her house. But if I am going to ship them I will need to contact her and Im not sure that that is a good thing to do right now, since I clearly do still have feelings. But after some of the things she has said while I have not been answering, I feel as if maybe she would begin talking to me again if I contacted her. I dont know, im just confused and feel like I am stupid to even want to reconcile but I cant shake the feeling. I have had multiple other girls try to hang out with me and I have gone out with them a few times but I keep catching myself looking for her in them.

[timestand43]

Thank you for the replies. Should I break no contact yet? I do need to ship these items to her eventually... or else drop them off one day when I am near her house. But if I am going to ship them I will need to contact her and Im not sure that that is a good thing to do right now, since I clearly do still have feelings. But after some of the things she has said while I have not been answering, I feel as if maybe she would begin talking to me again if I contacted her. I dont know, im just confused and feel like I am stupid to even want to reconcile but I cant shake the feeling. I have had multiple other girls try to hang out with me and I have gone out with them a few times but I keep catching myself looking for her in them.

 

I don't think you should be talking with her any time soon, you're still in the process of healing. Also remember she's in a relationship, it would be good of you to respect that boundary, as difficult as that can be. If she wants to talk she can talk to you. You need to be working on yourself. As far as the items, if you absolutely need to ship them out soon, maybe try relaying to her mom instead, she did contact you correct? That way you don't need to text or call her, which could potentially stunt your healing and set you back. Confusion is perfectly normal, I don't know why you two broke up but depending on the reasons we always hold those types of feelings, especially if it was a loving relationship. You're not stupid, just hopeful and heartbroken, it's normal don't sweat it.

 

As far as hanging out with other girls. Just try to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. Yes it's true guys and girls and just hang out. Just connect with these people, think of it like hanging out with any other friend. It may help prevent you from comparing. And about the comparing, remember everyone is different, that's the beauty of other people, try to remember that. If you spend all of your life comparing other women to someone you were once with you'll fail to see just how unique and great others can be. So try your best to be open minded to any of there other girls if they're trying to pursue you romantically or if you are trying to do so yourself. If not, well just hang out, grow closer as friends. Just get out there, it helps

[Careerchoice]

I know you guys will say she is choosing not to be with me so its obviously over, but deep down I can feel something still there and I know our relationship was too great to just be forgotten. We were perfect for each other.

 

Do not idealize your prior relationship. It was not perfect, no one's relationship is. And you may still sense something, but it wasn't enough to stop her from breaking up with you and start with some other guy. Those cold hard facts can't be denied. A break up is a big deal for the dumper too. For her to get to that point, things had to have been incorrect.

 

Should I break no contact yet? I do need to ship these items to her eventually... or else drop them off one day when I am near her house. But if I am going to ship them I will need to contact her and Im not sure that that is a good thing to do right now, since I clearly do still have feelings.

 

Don't break No Contact, you're not ready to handle it. For shipping the items, get them to either your mom or hers and have them make the arrangements.

 

But after some of the things she has said while I have not been answering, I feel as if maybe she would begin talking to me again if I contacted her.

 

You would be stringing yourself along.

[seebee]

If she wants to talk she can talk to you.

 

I have ignored her the last 5 or so times she tried to talk to me, so maybe she did try to talk and I didnt give her the chance. But yes I agree with everyone else, I need to stop stringing this along. That will come with time but it seems as if I am still in denial and dont want to accept reality. It was a clear case of "grass is greener" and whether or not it really is better on the other side is up to her to decide, but I know her and I know her new boyfriend, and from what I know about them I couldnt see them being together very long. Relationships are weird though so who knows. Also, mutual friends have told me she doesnt look/seem happy with him like she did with me. But at this point, what does that really matter. I just miss my friend and im worried I will cave and break no contact soon because it is starting to mentally wear on me.

[jennylove]

Thank you for the replies. Should I break no contact yet? I do need to ship these items to her eventually... or else drop them off one day when I am near her house. But if I am going to ship them I will need to contact her and Im not sure that that is a good thing to do right now, since I clearly do still have feelings. But after some of the things she has said while I have not been answering, I feel as if maybe she would begin talking to me again if I contacted her. I dont know, im just confused and feel like I am stupid to even want to reconcile but I cant shake the feeling. I have had multiple other girls try to hang out with me and I have gone out with them a few times but I keep catching myself looking for her in them.

 

Yes, ship them, but make her pay for the shipping costs. This was her decision to leave, you owe her nothing. keep things as if you are in a business transaction with her: answer her texts in a short and direct manner, no small talk, just business. So with the next text of "hey, can you please send XYZ" respond with, "I certainly will, I'm estimating shipping cost to be around 20.00, if that is to much for you to send me, I can leave everything behind the house on (insert date).

[Careerchoice]

Yes, ship them, but make her pay for the shipping costs. This was her decision to leave, you owe her nothing. keep things as if you are in a business transaction with her: answer her texts in a short and direct manner, no small talk, just business. So with the next text of "hey, can you please send XYZ" respond with, "I certainly will, I'm estimating shipping cost to be around 20.00, if that is to much for you to send me, I can leave everything behind the house on (insert date).

 

I understand this idea, but in order to avoid any communication with her and get it over with as quickly as possible, I would either get the items to her mom or pay for it out-of-pocket. Your sanity and beginning your healing asap is worth the money investment.

[Careerchoice]

I have ignored her the last 5 or so times she tried to talk to me, so maybe she did try to talk and I didnt give her the chance. But yes I agree with everyone else, I need to stop stringing this along. That will come with time but it seems as if I am still in denial and dont want to accept reality. It was a clear case of "grass is greener" and whether or not it really is better on the other side is up to her to decide, but I know her and I know her new boyfriend, and from what I know about them I couldnt see them being together very long. Relationships are weird though so who knows. Also, mutual friends have told me she doesnt look/seem happy with him like she did with me. But at this point, what does that really matter. I just miss my friend and im worried I will cave and break no contact soon because it is starting to mentally wear on me.

 

Stay strong and distract yourself. Exercise, dress better, excel at work, spend time with your friends/family, go out and party, and start talking to new girls. ***It does not have to be a search for a new gf***, but talking to other girls will help you realize that there are other women out there who can give you a lot of what you miss in your ex and it will give you a self esteem boost. Casual dating is fine. Plus, you may find somebody else you click with.

[seebee]

I understand this idea, but in order to avoid any communication with her and get it over with as quickly as possible, I would either get the items to her mom or pay for it out-of-pocket. Your sanity and beginning your healing asap is worth the money investment.

 

What she is wanting shipped back is a snowboard. It is the beginning of July, so I dont feel too rushed to send it out. Im not really even sure why they are worried about it right now, its not like I want to keep a girly snowboard for myself lol. But I do know it will cost a pretty good amount to ship it. Just dont know if I should wait till closer to winter to even worry about it, or to just get it out of the way and be done for good. I see pros and cons from both sides.

[seebee]

Casual dating is fine. Plus, you may find somebody else you click with.

 

Thats my plan. I have a few "dates" set up these next few weeks so hopefully some positive will come out of those. Just hate that my ex will still be on my mind and I dont want to lead anybody down the wrong path and waste their time.

[Andrina]

Get rid of the snowboard now. If you wait until winter, just the action of delivering it will keep her on your mind, and possibly set you back to square one for closure. I always think it's best to wait at least 6 months after a relationship ends to date again. I don't think it's fair to the girl if you're still hung up on an ex. Would you like to date someone who was still in love with an ex? It's not about putting a bandaid on a wound. It's about healing by going through all of the normal steps it takes to get to a good place--mourning, getting some distance to see things a bit more realistically (the brain overrides the heart), and then to acceptance that your past belongs there and the future involves someone you haven't met yet. Only then will you be ready to date, and more wisely at that.

[Careerchoice]

Ship it now. Get it off your mind.

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.