Jealous of My Bf's Female Friend

[nessarene1212]

Hello everyone. I've been dating my boyfriend for only a month but I've known him for a year. He's 22 and I'm 19.

He has a lot of female friends and I don't mind this at all as I have met most of them and think they're really cool. There is only one female friend I mind and that's because they used to have a sexual relationship before we started dating. They talk on a daily basis via Snapchat and other forms of social media. When we first started dating he never really brought her up, but recently he started to causally talk about her or bring up something funny she texted him. Unfortunately, this bothers me more than I expected it to. I wouldn't care if he was talking to her this much if they hadn't had sex in the past, but they did and that's why I care about it. I brought this up to him and he told me not to worry because they're only friends now. I replied, saying that it's weird that they contact each other so much, knowing what kind of past they had since he's in a relationship with me. He responded to that saying "she's different," because they've been friends since high school and before they had a sexual relationship. He doesn't hang out with her unless there are other people around, so he thinks I shouldn't worry. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, but he was once attracted to her and I feel as though if he's speaking this much to her on a daily basis, even if it is just through texting and Snapchat, that he could still be attracted to her.

Am I just overthinking things? What should I do?

[Scoe141]

Ehh... this age bracket is tough. If you two were 10 years older I would probably give you different advice. However, I think it's "the norm" for guys and gals around your age to have lots of friendships with folks of the opposite sex. (Some including hanging out by themselves etc.) Where it gets tricky is when there is a past. And he has one with this girl.

 

I would tell him straight up that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Flip the switch. How would he feel if you were hanging out, and talking daily to someone you had a sexual history with?

 

You need to ask him what the rules are. It's a like a game. What are the rules? What are your boundaries? At the end of the day you need to feel safe and secure. If this guy isn't making you feel that way, I promise you other guys will.

 

Good luck.

[nessarene1212]

Thank you Scoe141!

I know it's normal for our age group to have a lot of friends of the opposite sex and I don't mind that he has a lot of girl friends. I only mind this one in particular because of their past. I will talk to him in person about how uncomfortable it makes me feel that they contact each other a lot and discuss rules with him.

[Creacion]

Flags already... listen to them. As time unravels, what other bug bears? It's your life and your values define you. Don't compromise.

 

I'd communicate that you're not going to be dating someone that has ex as friends in their lives as it means less energy or time devoted to you and the current relationship.

 

If he's not that into you, he'll not change a thing. If he is, he'll tell his ex that he's going underground for a while as he's busy in a relationship... but you're only a month in... a guy who's devoted would never have left doubt to begin with.

 

Be okay if he's not that much into you. You'll only want someone who has similar values to you. The rest? Dating experience to find out what you'll put up with and what you won't.

 

Enjoy dating and lots!

[j.man]

You've been dating for a month. He's known her since high school. She also hasn't been some big secret. You either take it or leave it. If you can't handle it, which I would consider very understandable, it's best to leave him rather than attempt to control him.

[Rezie]

A lot of people hook up with their friends without a desire to be in a relationship with them. Once they find someone else they go back to being friends. Sex doesnt have to Mia big deal or mean anything special. He hangs our with her as a friend in a group of people. He is not going to stop doing that nor should he. So it's up to you either accept it and trust him or not be ok with it and move on.