Should I? Shouldn't I?

[tsunami2005]

Me and my wife were virgins at the time of marriage and had been happily married for the last 10 years. Recently she admitted to me that she is having fantasies about having sex with one of my friends and just for the sake of knowing what it means to have sex with a person other than me she would like to experiment it once in her life- once and never afterwards. She also told me she had tried cybersex with him once and enjoyed it thouroughly, though she never tried it again afterwards.

 

Though we are happily married, she was never able to get orgasms through sex and has to compensate with masturbation every time.

 

Though I am possessive, I can understand how it feels when she think of never having an opportunity in life to know what is sex without me. At the same time, I am not sure if this may mess up our otherwise healthy married life.

 

Could anybody advise me?

[here2understand2]

ohkay for the record, i've never been married or been a relationship that lasted over a year, I dont think "doing it" with a friend is such a good idea and tho she had cybersex with him once, u shuld talk to her bout not doing it anymore bcoz I dont think its going to be healthy for ur marriage. On the other hand, if its a threesome with a complete stranger that gets her excited, I dont see any problems with that..might just beef up ur sex life and thus proove to be healthy for ur marriage..but that too shouldnt be a regularity and just "once in a while" affair!..this is what i think!

[HeavenLee]

If I was you, I wouldn't do it. I just can't understand how bringing someone else into the relationship will fix anything. It only brings up feelings that should never be experienced. Sex is sex, and anything she wants to experiment with can be done with you (I'm sure). Maybe you could try spicing things up between the two of you and trying many new things. Also, maybe you could work on trying to help her achieve orgasm, whether through sex and you masturbating her, through oral sex etc. I hope she is not under the impression that if she has sex with someone else she will magically be able to orgasm. I just don't see it happening. So work on it between the two of you, but it's very dangerous going to involve someone else in the relationship, even if it is only in a sexual nature. The boundaries may be blurred. I actually think that she has already pushed those boundaries by having cyber sex with him. I don't agree with that. It may not be physical contact, but while she is emotionally/sexually investing her time with other men, your marriage is suffering.

 

I hope that you can communicate with her on this and work it out without having to resort to bringing in another party.

[tsunami2005]

Thanks a million for the advices h2u2 & heavenlee. In fact this cybersex thing concerned me a lot, since i felt like it has the nature of an affair and asked her to abstain from it.

 

I fully understand the stupidity on my part too. I should not have let the orgasmic inability to chances of automatic recovery with time. I have been more sensitive to her feelings earlier. I should not have let her to be in the company of a person who does not respect both of us or the friendship (if he had any concern towards us as friends, he would not have thought of engaging in cybersex with her).

 

Yet, when I think of her having a dream which will go unfulfilled and feeling that i stood in her way of accomplishing it, i feel my compassion is overpowering my sense of insecurity (yes I already started feeling insecure).

[HeavenLee]

Well, if her dream was more reasonable, I would perhaps say something different. Let me ask you, how do you think she would feel if the situations were reversed and you had sprung this on her out of nowhere? That you had had cybersex with her best friend, and now wanted to sleep with her. And to really kick her in the gut, tell her that it is one of your dreams so that she feels really guilty... Does that put things in a better perspective?

 

What she has done and asked for is wrong in my book - and partially borders on emotional cheating with the possible intent to physically cheat, but by telling you first it seems to somehow make it alright. Okay, maybe you've left things go a bit stale or whatever, but that is when she should be communicating with you. You can't be expected to read her mind if she doesn't tell you anything. And when she does, all she comes up with is that she'd like to have sex with someone else? Ummm, I don't think so.

 

I'm sorry, but I think that what she is asking of YOU is ludicrous. I'm not saying that it's the wrong way to live life or anything, but it is when you are married and not considering your partners feelings. Your friend is not a friend, and I'd get rid of him as quickly as possible. How dare he lead her on and go along with this? I'm sure he'd be thrilled if someone did the same thing to his wife...

 

I feel for you tsunami, and I truly hope that you can communicate how you feel about this to your wife and that she will understand. I hope you put some effort into getting things back on track sexually with your wife and that she can learn to appreciate your efforts and reciprocate, and realise that it is unfair of her to ask you to accept her sleeping with someone else. It may be her fantasy, but perhaps it is better left at that... because what she is asking from you (in accepting it) is just plain cruel in my view...

[tsunami2005]

HeavenLee, I feel much relieved now after I could actually discuss this with someone . I am greatful for the concern.

 

I forgot to include one important point in my problem, my wife has no objection if I experience sex outside marriage (I am not sure if she will be fine if I do it with her friends) she has made it clear in the early days of marriage itself, much before she got this fantasy. Even though I had no intention of doing it, I had put her statement to test by telling her I may visit a striptease bar & she did not feel that is something forbidden for a married man.

[brando]

I dont think i would allow it. It isnt a possesive thing, it just seems bogus for her to present this to you. Their may be something more going on with her.

 

If i was you i would start paying attention to some of her friends, some close attention, say nothing for a while then tell your wife that you would like to experiment with her friend, perhaps her closest friend. Then watch your wifes reaction. She may or may not change her mind.

 

For some reason, i see that if this happens, her and your friend could hook up, or keep it going without you knowing...and the same for you. i just see problems. my two cents worth.

[7CardStud]

Obviously I've never been married, im only 17... But I have to say that this friend doesn't sound like a very good one man. If he somehow got in your wifes head, kinda obvious that he had something to do with this to.

 

Just my 2 cents. gaw, friends mess things up

 

Down with friends!

[cleverme123]

This is a very bad idea because your asking your friend to be in a very akward position. Let's just suppose she really enjoys it and it doesn't stop there. I heard a saying recently, the one who initiates with someone else will be leaving with that person and the one who gave the thought to doing it in the first place, will be asking the questions later.

 

It's a bad idea to bring a third person in at all. Let alone a friend. Take the warning!

[lady00]

Don't do it. She's asking you for permission to cheat...sure she says it's just this once but how do you know that for sure. I can almost guarantee that if you allow this, she will walk all over you in the future and her "never again" will turn into "every time I feel like it." If she hasn't been able to orgasm, I suggest you guys invest in some sex books, toys etc. And I would be very weary of this situation in general...for her to ask for such a thing after 10 years of marriage---with a friend, no less...that is just shady.

[HeavenLee]

Tsunami, her allowing you to go to a striptease bar, and her expecting you to accept her sleeping with your friend (or any other guy for that matter) are two very different things. She may very well be open to sex outside of the marriage, but if she was really put to the test, I wonder if she'd change her tune? It changes alot of things and invokes feelings that I'm sure she couldn't possibly imagine.

 

I should also mention that you both seem to have very different ideas of how a marriage should work. That is not a good sign. She thinks one way is "normal" and you think your way is (which I'm inclined to agree with). Actually, neither of you are probably wrong, but if you don't see eye to eye you will always be fighting against this. It is something that really needs to be addressed, otherwise this will always be an issue.

 

Again I must stress that it's time for her to respect your feelings and for both of you to start reinvesting yourselves into rejuvenating your sex life.

[tsunami2005]

brando,svenman,cleverme, lady00

i'd be ever thankful for your valuable advices. as heavenlee suggested, I had a long conversation with her which indeed did good to us, though she still thinks this is no big taboo, she assured me she respects my feelings and will not think of doing anything that would cause me pain or stress.

im feeling much better now and we are closer to each other than before

thanks people!

[HeavenLee]

Well that's great to hear Tsunami... hopefully her actions will also back up her words. I guess it all comes down to her choice of making her fantasy a reality, or potentially ruining her marriage because she has hurt her husband. Thankfully she has realised that having sex with someone else just isn't worth hurting you for.

 

And remember Tsunami, start spicing things up!!! That way, she'll never even think about wanting to have sex with someone else... you will be all that she needs or thinks of!!!

 

Best of luck to you both and I hope things work out so that you can have a happy marriage. I love happy endings!!!