HELP Mother and boyfriend don't like each other and its my own fault

[rockinrobyn]

Hi There,

 

So this is my first post ever on a site like this but I honestly felt I am running out of options.

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24 we have been together for 6 months. We both met after a set of medical struggles.

 

My parents and boyfriends relationship started off well, till my boyfriend started to clash with some of my mothers ideas. This was partially my own fault as I confided in him some of my own difficulties with my mother being overbearing. My mother and I have always had a close relationship (perhaps too close). She has often been my best friend, and mother during my health struggles. I have a generalized anxiety disorder which often means I need to talk through my anxiety. She has been great for that over the years and has been the only one to make me feel better. Which meant on occasion I confided in her being anxious about something involving my boyfriend and my relationship. This has caused a complete disaster of my own making.

 

My parents are concerned that my boyfriends upbringing is different than my own, his health issues, and his current economic state makes him not the "one" for me.

The hard part is I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I don't normally date anyone past 6 months, and I can't imagine what my life would be without him. We have become each others rocks, and he is the only one other than my own mother who helps, and understands my anxiety.

 

I don't know how to fix this mess that I created, when I love my parents and my boyfriend so very much. If anyone has any advice that would be greatly appreciated.

[Snny]

My parents are concerned that my boyfriends upbringing is different than my own, his health issues, and his current economic state makes him not the "one" for me.

Can you provide a few examples?

 

By the end of the day, you are an adult and have to make your own decisions regarding your relationships. Unfortunately I cannot provide thorough advice without more information.

[j.man]

Unfortunately, the damage is done. Big, big, BIG rule of thumb is you don't talk **** about your partner to your family, and you don't talk **** about your family to your partner. You have to understand that both of them have a whole lot more loyalty to you than they do the the other. What's entirely "fair" by and large goes to the wayside.

 

Best you can do is stop venting to either party about the other party. Let your mother see you're happy with your boyfriend and let your boyfriend see you're happy with your mother. Should they both respect you enough, they'll be happy simply for you being happy. I couldn't begin to list the 1,001 ways I disapprove of my sister's husband... but he makes her happy. So I'm happy for her.

 

Have you been diagnosed for general anxiety? Are you receiving therapy? Not that you should reserve any and all venting for a professional to hear out, but at the very least, do a better job of confiding in neutral parties when it comes to the appropriate matters.

[rockinrobyn]

Unfortunately, the damage is done. Big, big, BIG rule of thumb is you don't talk **** about your partner to your family, and you don't talk **** about your family to your partner. You have to understand that both of them have a whole lot more loyalty to you than they do the the other. What's entirely "fair" by and large goes to the wayside.

 

Best you can do is stop venting to either party about the other party. Let your mother see you're happy with your boyfriend and let your boyfriend see you're happy with your mother. Should they both respect you enough, they'll be happy simply for you being happy. I couldn't begin to list the 1,001 ways I disapprove of my sister's husband... but he makes her happy. So I'm happy for her.

 

Have you been diagnosed for general anxiety? Are you receiving therapy? Not that you should reserve any and all venting for a professional to hear out, but at the very least, do a better job of confiding in neutral parties when it comes to the appropriate matters.

 

Thanks for the advice I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, and a Panic Disorder. I was diagnosed and medicated at 16yrs of age. I am what one would call a high functioning sever anxiety. I have gone to therapy over the years but due to being a university student I no longer can afford the sessions. So I'm kinda stuck

[januaryboop616]

I have generalized anxiety disorder, too, (which, by the way, makes it sound SO much milder and more like "oh I just have a sniffle" than it really is) so I totally get you on how it is CRUCIAL to be able to talk out my anxiety, issues, concerns, life thoughts, etc. with someone else, and especially someone who really actually cares and knows you, and can interpret you for exactly what you are saying or meaning when it comes to discussing all of these various and several topics in your life because then only that way they can help you find clarity (or feel at peace about everything). Plus, I talk A LOT sometimes, and it's just about me processing everything, and my Mom (hah if course!) is patient enough to listen and be caring and understanding and want to be there for me, when otherwise nobody else is really going to feel that way or be as open to it or available to me, I feel like, so it's a relief to have that, otherwise I'd be going crazy! So I get the Mom thing, (I think) is what I'm saying.

Aside from that:

 

Nobody is going to be able to know whether some person is the "one" for you except for you.

Period.

[rockinrobyn]

I have generalized anxiety disorder, too, (which, by the way, makes it sound SO much milder and more like "oh I just have a sniffle" than it really is) so I totally get you on how it is CRUCIAL to be able to talk out my anxiety, issues, concerns, life thoughts, etc. with someone else, and especially someone who really actually cares and knows you, and can interpret you for exactly what you are saying or meaning when it comes to discussing all of these various and several topics in your life because then only that way they can help you find clarity (or feel at peace about everything). Plus, I talk A LOT sometimes, and it's just about me processing everything, and my Mom (hah if course!) is patient enough to listen and be caring and understanding and want to be there for me, when otherwise nobody else is really going to feel that way or be as open to it or available to me, I feel like, so it's a relief to have that, otherwise I'd be going crazy! So I get the Mom thing, (I think) is what I'm saying.

Aside from that:

 

Nobody is going to be able to know whether some person is the "one" for you except for you.

Period.

 

I'm so glad to see someone who understands being in my shoes and needing to talk through anxiety a lot. Its a coping mechanism and if you don't have it. It is very difficult I find. My parents worry I am going to be giving too much up to be with this man. I guess I need to decide if its worth giving up certain aspects of my life.

[rockinrobyn]

Can you provide a few examples?

 

By the end of the day, you are an adult and have to make your own decisions regarding your relationships. Unfortunately I cannot provide thorough advice without more information.

Some examples would be:

I would talk to my parents how he forgot to call me, and I would be anxious he is not okay.

Or he is struggling with dealing with his past and how he could get better from it. He had a mentally and emotionally abusive mother.

[abitbroken]

Some examples would be:

I would talk to my parents how he forgot to call me, and I would be anxious he is not okay.

Or he is struggling with dealing with his past and how he could get better from it. He had a mentally and emotionally abusive mother.

 

yeah, TMI. If my niece was so distraught about a guy not calling her i would think it was better for her mentally not to see the guy because she was getting too obsessive. And if i heard that she was dating someone who was really struggling with his past, I would encourage her to ask herself if he was healthy enough to be in a relationship with her and support her in not falling into a codependent trap of being a "fixer" especially at a young age. I can totally understand how your parents - seeing you so distraught and anxious over the subject of him would not be keen

[abitbroken]

Please get yourself mentally healthy before a new relationship