LonelyJedi Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I am sure everyone is familiar with my story, but just in case: FULL STORY POST BREAK-UP CRUELNESS Short Version: - We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays. - We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me. - She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy. - I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me). - She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me. - She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in". - After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that... - She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with !" was deleted within hours. She left me on March 24th, 2017. She apparently got a new BF "officially" on May 20th. All of our mutual friends (who are just my friends now) have been in non-stop shock since she left, including myself. I have not heard a peep from her since she left, she has been very cruel to me when she broke up with me. All of my friends/family/fellow posters say that she is no good for me and that I should not want her back, but I still do. It frustrates me! Emotionally, I still love her... miss her... want her back... attracted to her... etc. Logically, I don't think I want her back. Her issues are probably deeper than I think, but then I doubt myself again and think "Maybe those issues were caused by me!" or "I made the issues worse by doing/saying !" I just don't know what is true anymore. Did she lie when she told me this? Did she really mean it when she told me that? Is she just emotionally unstable? Did my small mistakes (I think??) just keep piling up to the point where she couldn't take it anymore? She has made mistakes too (or so I think??). People, including my therapist, has told me that my ex doesn't seem to forgive anybody. My therapist calls my ex a "ticket tracker". Suicidal thoughts come & go... When people tell me about their future plans... "At the end of the year, I plan on doing ", "Next year, I'll be doing this!", my first thoughts in my head are always, "I might not be here when that time comes" or "If I make it that far". I tried taking an anti-depressant a month ago, my depression intensified and my thoughts started to literally make my heart race. I will never do that again. So many unanswered questions, I thought I was a good boyfriend/fiance... considering our relationship lasted for so long (5.5yrs). When will I start to improve? When will my ex-fiance ever talk to me again? Will I ever see her again? Will I live the happy life that I dreamed of, with my ex-fiance? I had everything in my life checked off my list and I was truly happy with my life: ✓ Dream/Stable Job ✓ College Degree ✓ Financially Stable/No Debt ✓ Own a nice House ✓ Wife (lined up) -- she ripped this one away from me. Now I am scrambling to try and get my life back to where it was 4 months ago, before my parents leave the state for good for their retirement. I will truly be all alone then I feel crushed & broken... I am no longer the man I once was. This is not the reality I wanted to live in. Link to comment
FooledAgain Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 "I feel crushed & broken... I am no longer the man I once was." Yeah. I hear ya. Many/most of us have come to that same conclusion. I KNOW I will get through it. And I know you will too. But it's gonna take a little time. Your father was right that girls are like busses. But we have to remember to ride them safely and get off when we know we are at the correct destination. So many times it seems like I/we/some of us keep going 'round and 'round in circles on that same bus and cannot get off. Link to comment
jennylove Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Both of you need to look up threads started by "superdave71" His threads will help you heal. Link to comment
Annia Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Both of you need to look up threads started by "superdave71" His threads will help you heal. I was going to answer exactly this because there are some superdave71 threads that apply to this so much. Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I can't speak for you.. but I delayed my healing by mentally not accepting things as they were. In fact it's only the last few months that I've taken action to really try to heal myself. Maybe try to really start letting her go Link to comment
LondonMan33 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I am sure everyone is familiar with my story, but just in case: FULL STORY POST BREAK-UP CRUELNESS Short Version: - We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays. - We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me. - She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy. - I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me). - She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me. - She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in". - After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that... - She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with !" was deleted within hours. She left me on March 24th, 2017. She apparently got a new BF "officially" on May 20th. All of our mutual friends (who are just my friends now) have been in non-stop shock since she left, including myself. I have not heard a peep from her since she left, she has been very cruel to me when she broke up with me. All of my friends/family/fellow posters say that she is no good for me and that I should not want her back, but I still do. It frustrates me! Emotionally, I still love her... miss her... want her back... attracted to her... etc. Logically, I don't think I want her back. Her issues are probably deeper than I think, but then I doubt myself again and think "Maybe those issues were caused by me!" or "I made the issues worse by doing/saying !" I just don't know what is true anymore. Did she lie when she told me this? Did she really mean it when she told me that? Is she just emotionally unstable? Did my small mistakes (I think??) just keep piling up to the point where she couldn't take it anymore? She has made mistakes too (or so I think??). People, including my therapist, has told me that my ex doesn't seem to forgive anybody. My therapist calls my ex a "ticket tracker". Suicidal thoughts come & go... When people tell me about their future plans... "At the end of the year, I plan on doing ", "Next year, I'll be doing this!", my first thoughts in my head are always, "I might not be here when that time comes" or "If I make it that far". I tried taking an anti-depressant a month ago, my depression intensified and my thoughts started to literally make my heart race. I will never do that again. So many unanswered questions, I thought I was a good boyfriend/fiance... considering our relationship lasted for so long (5.5yrs). When will I start to improve? When will my ex-fiance ever talk to me again? Will I ever see her again? Will I live the happy life that I dreamed of, with my ex-fiance? I had everything in my life checked off my list and I was truly happy with my life: ✓ Dream/Stable Job ✓ College Degree ✓ Financially Stable/No Debt ✓ Own a nice House ✓ Wife (lined up) -- she ripped this one away from me. Now I am scrambling to try and get my life back to where it was 4 months ago, before my parents leave the state for good for their retirement. I will truly be all alone then I feel crushed & broken... I am no longer the man I once was. This is not the reality I wanted to live in. Listen to me. you are very young. And you have a great life going by what you have accomplished . I am not going to tell you to just forget the lass you are pining for .. Does not work like that. This is how it does work. All this is called a life experience. It will serve you very well. Life is not full of rainbows and dreams. when reality hits again in the future you will look back on this time and say yep been there I know what pain is about. You are in a fantastic position. wont seem like it now but all this is in your mind. I can guarantee given time if you play all this right you will have a new woman one day , and this ex of yours will still be thinking what iffs about you maybe even the I wish I was still with him thoughts.... I have no feelings at all about my ex now.. I was with her 7 years, she still tries to contact me. A letter came yesterday her pleading and begging in it.. had no effect at all on me.. yet 3 month ago I would have raced over there.. this is a time thing . and the sooner you realise the better it will be for you..then you use this experience for your future. you have a good future. you do not know how lucky you are. trust me. things will be great sooner or later .. 100% guaranteed. Link to comment
Viewcart Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 You're only 24, you have another decade to decide if you want to get married or not. Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet. She sounds like a mess and far from ready in terms of marriage. If a woman truly cared about you, she would pick you before family. Don't think or blame family as an excuse, she's the only one responsible for her actions. At the same time, you have to learn to accept and let go. Learn to love yourself first. Women come and go. There are PLENTY of women in this world who would love to get married.. Take time to make a list of all the reasons why your ex isn't and wouldn't be a suitable partner (drinks, college dropout, immature, bad at communication). Honestly, you're still viewing her in cloudy rose tinted glasses, anyone with self respect would never want someone toxic like her back. You should seek psych help with depression because you're not well enough to be in a healthy relationship at this moment anyways, Link to comment
EtrnalOptimist Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I delayed my healing by mentally not accepting things as they were. In fact it's only the last few months that I've taken action to really try to heal myself. /QUOTE] Care to elaborate on what you did or what your thought processes were that helped you make the leap? A lot of people are looking for answers, and each must find his/own way, but yours may resonate with some, so please share (if you can).. Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 For me it was stopping coming up with schemes to get her back.. really I didn't contact her too much at all but mentally I was going over and over my next move. Lots of wasted energy and time. I also finally unfriended her which was very hard for me to finally do since it couldn't be undone (by myself). I then stopped all contact. I had a setback eventually but this was the start of my actual healing Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I also tried to stop blaming myself and putting her on a pedestal. She messed this up as much as I did, more so really. Now I feel kinda good about myself because I didn't give up on her even as she hurt me. I was willing to do what needed to be done to reach the future we'd talked about. I feel that makes me strong even as it hurt me to go through all this Link to comment
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