Lonely wife

[lonelyone]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting and I'm not sure if I should use this forum or the relationship forum. Here is my problem. I've been married for 3 years. My husband rarely has sex with me. I don't know if he is just not interested in me anymore or what is going on. I asked him a few times if there was something going on but he says no. We walk around each other most of the time without uttering one word to each other. He never wants to spend time with me and son. We get invited to family outings or BBQ and he never wants to go. My friends notice that I'm alone all the time and that I'm sad and tired of making up a lie of why he didn't want to come. I thought maybe it was because i don't work. I tried working but it didn't work. I did everything around the house including yard work and worked a job. He still didn't come around. It was worse. I can't prove that he is having a relationship outside of us because he is always at home after work. However, he does get an hour and a half lunch break everyday and he never comes home. I don't think his sex drive is down because I have found hundreds of porn websites that he visits. Some I have found out that he has paid membership to. I can literally walk around the house almost naked and he doesn't show "any" interest whatsoever. I am only 31 and he is 34 so I don't quite get it. Usually they say a woman's desire for sex fade after a hysterectomy. Not mine! I find myself wanting it more. He shows no intimacy towards me either. No hugs no kisses, no cuddling in bed...he turns his back to me. My friends have arranged times where my son stays at their house so that we can be alone and he in turns goes to bed and goes to sleep before I get out of the shower. I really don't know how to talk to him or what to say. I've tried to be playful or come on to him, but he just says "girl, stop playin". He's is a weight fanatic. He constantly asks me how he looks. He's a perfect size. I've gained weight, so maybe thats it. Well now i'm to the point where I cry all the time in bed or when I'm alone. I'm wanting to leave my married but don't no if its a mistake or want to have an affair but I have too big of a conscience. Does any man or woman think that he could possibly have interest somewhere else or just want to leave this marriage himself and don't know how to tell me? I need help really bad. sorry this was so long. Please help

[ReadyorNot]

YOu dont deserve to put up with that and neither does your son... You are probably a very beautiful woman but maybe if you have put on weight that is the problem. He probably loves you and doesnt want to hurt your feelings... Some men only like really slim women..

 

Im just wondering why he wont talk about it....

[apollocreed71]

Do not have an affair, it will only complicate things. Also, you married him, so have some respect for the institution of marriage. If it is not working, and you two cannot get help(counselor, preacher, etc.), end the relationship and find someone else. He could be addicted to porn, and you just do not turn him on anymore. Its not you, its the porn in that case. If you are not communicating verbally, of course sex is out most of the time. You need to open up the lines of communication. HOwever, never rule out he has someone else on the side. YOu have a tough decision ahead of you. Check out link removed. Good luck. PM me if you like.

[shazza]

I think you need to confront him with how you feel, tell him you are prepared to try and make things work but if he isn't then you'll leave. And seriously, if he isn't prepared to try then he isn't respecting the institution of marriage because a marriage takes work, and he is just taking it for granted. You see, the problem is, when your partner doesn't want you sexually anymore it can be very damaging for the self esteem. And you're probably very attractive, loving, and have a normal sex drive, but his behaviour is causing you to doubt yourself. An affair is not the answer. That is just bringing another person into your problems, and is only going to further complicate things. If you must, leave him but don't get divorced straight away. Separate and allow yourselves both some time to figure out if your marriage is worth saving.

 

I truly believe that your son will be better off with two single parents that are happy, confident, and have high self esteem (because that will set an example for him to follow) then watching his parents live in a loveless marriage. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

[lonelyone]

Thanks you guys for the advice. I didn't have an affair because I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but when somebody else is paying you more attention than your own partner, it can become overwhelming. I finally found the words to confront him again about our situation. I even told him that it felt like things have gotten so bad between us that i was thinking about asking for a divorce or having an affair and that I didn't because I loved him and wanted him but his response wasn't like someone who was truly hurt that his wife would be telling him this. I even told him that I found him extremely attractive if that was the problem and that I just wanted him to show me some kind of intimacy every now and then like a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand in public. I asked why he doesn't make love to me anymore and all he could say was "I don't know" and that it wasn't going to get any better. So, I guess in a way, that was my answer. I guess I was hoping that he would say, "lets work this out". Didn't happen...so now I'm waiting to see if anything works out or anything better happens by the end of May. If not, then I'm going home after my son's last day of school here. Any other advice is greatly appreciated...Thank you again Shazza,AppolloCreed71 and ReadyorNot.

[providentielle]

I think you already know how this is all going to end. It is hard to let go of him beause he is the father of your child and someone you love/d and you dont want to just give up, but you deserve to be happy. This is not how a marriage should be and as hard as it is you need to put yourself and your son first. Children are very receptive to things that go on around them and he will grow up thinking this is what marriage should be like and will be likely to end up in a similar situation. For both your sakes make the most difficult decision and say "I want more" Its hard but you only get one life and you should live it to the fullest! Good luck

[dada]

Please don't have an affair, that will only complicate the matter.

 

Provided you told both sides of the story your solution is very simple. If he won't talk about solutions. Divorce him! If he's spending money and time on porn, but won't make love to you. Divorce him! Your weight gain isn't the problem. He's the problem and he's made a choice not to work it out. It's very simple, people do exactly what they want to do.

 

It takes just as much energy and time to do the right thing as it does to do the wrong thing.

 

I wish you and your son the best through this.

[snowgirl]

Wow. You really are getting horrible advice here: Have an affair. Have a one night stand (and post the result? GROSS!) Leave him. Lose weight. I am really shocked. That's ALL rubbish!

 

It's NOT YOUR FAULT. You need to have an open and frank discussion with your husband about what is happening and how you feel. If he is your husband, you need to be able to talk to him about EVERYTHING. You will not die if you are open with him. I promise. You might do better to go to counseling with him, do you think he would go? It's important. Your child will grow up thinking this is a normal marriage, and you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship. You do not and should not have to make excuses for your husband either. You CAN fix this if you both want to. If his porn habit is interfering with your sex life, and it sounds like it is, that's a huge issue that you need to talk about! Don't just try things to see if it will get better. If you have a suspicion about something, ask him. It might take practice, but you can do it! You married him for a reason.

[Dissed]

I am very sorry to hear how your husband reacted when you told him.

It would make most men extremely happy to have a wife who wanted them sexually.

 

Addicted to porn - not so sure because I would still think he would want to have sex.

 

I do have my suspicions that someone else may be involved.

You say he does not go out after work but has long lunch breaks.

Does he work long hours ?

It is possible he is seeing someone at his work.

 

It does sound like you may need to separate or even divorce as you can not go on like this.

 

I totally dissagree with eltayeb - do not lower yourself to having an affair - it would be better to get out of the marriage,

affairs solve nothing, take it from me as I have been cheated on twice & it causes so much pain & children suffer incredibly.

 

Be strong & perhaps the seperation option is the best way to start.

 

I wish you good luck & God bless

[jsx730]

2 year old thread =/

[littlelissa23]

You need to ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you. The fact that he chooses porn for sexual fulfillment, rather than having sex with you indicates a big problem. Have you actually tried to sit down with him in a serious conversation and tell him how you've been feeling? As your husband, he is obligated to you at the very least to give you an explanation. You need to talk to him about it as soon as possible.

[littlelissa23]

2 year old thread =/

 

LMAO! Well, my advice still stands.

[pesh]

Now if only she had posted how things turned out....