What to do?

[David943uk]

My girlfriend of four years (nearly to the day) broke up with me around 4 weeks ago. At the time she said she wasnt sure of how she felt anymore and that she didn't know if she still felt the same about us, yet she said she still loved me. I begged her not to do it and spent the first two weeks in virtual mourning. I met her about a week after we broke up and realised that there was no chance of changing her mind in the meantime.

 

She said that she needed space and needed time to realise that I was what she wanted. I was getting over it until a few nights back when we spoke in the phone (we had spoken a number of times but not that much about 'us'). It turned out she had been out with a guy in her work. We then ended up speaking for four hours that night, where we laughed, cried and basically were as close as ever. Agian she still said she needed time and was happy the way things were going. i completely made a mess of things the following day, bombarding her with emails and texts, maing the assumption that after realising how close we still were she would want me back. I just overreacted. We spoke the next night and I told her if I ever met the guy she was with I'd thump him. She got upset again and I can't help thinking I've messed it up!

 

We'd dated all the way through uni and have been as close as two people can get. We did get on each others nerves at times, and I know I could have been a much better boyfried; she was one of the kindest most thoughful people you could meet, whereas while I try I'm just not that good at that kind of thing.

 

e both started new jobs after graduating (about 6 months ago) and we were much more independent that at any stage in our relationship. We were also each other's first serious partners, in her case she'd never kissed anyone else till she met me. (This makes her kissing a guy after 2 weeks of being single even harder to take).

 

I don't know what to do, or what's going to happen. I love her more than anything I've ever in life. I'm so scared of losing her forever. She says no matter what we'll still be best friends, but I don't think I could cope with her being with anyone else, and while I'd be losing my best friend, I think it really would be the only way.

 

I wonder if given time she'll realise what we had was amazing, and I really believe she'll never be as close to anyone, nor will find anyone who loves her as much as I do. What to do?

[rodrigo]

Man... Let me try to be objective here. First, I'll tell you I've been through something similar: almost 4ys of relationship and then broke up. It was quite different in my case, cause she didn't have all that consideration with me (which I surely deserved, just like you do).

 

In all those parts you say you messed up, I'm sorry I have to agree with that. It's typical guy behaviour. But don't worry, it doesn't mean "messed for life", just for the moment, the state things are now. Maybe you've confused her a bit.

 

I think nothing here is up to you. She has to make up her mind by her own means, as you put it. It's absurdly frustrating for you and it causes sickening anxiety, I can even feel it for you, but maybe that's the way it is... What else can you do? Just relax and wait, as all you could have done was done on its due time.

 

If she kissed another guy soon after the break-up, this doesn't mean much. What means much, tho, is the fact she only kissed YOU before. You can most probably tell she was curious about it, no? It doesn't necessarily mean she loves or even likes him, if we're correct here and it was just out of curiosity. Please, consider that too. And that she may be thinking "is there more beyond him?". Tell me honestly: is there? Maybe yes, and she deserves it (just like you do), maybe no, and she'll find her love for you again or mess things up herself and make it impossible with you and find somebody else who tries.

 

Let me tell you the keywords to the whole thing. If the worst comes out, you will hear an awful lot of people tell you stuff like "it will go away", "you'll get over it", "time changes everything". All this will cause you no relief, and anything anyone can tell you won't take you away of what you've experienced yourself: almost (or actual) physical pain. BUT, above all, they are right. Time WILL change it, eventually, and it doesn't take long to work its effects. All I or anybody can do is tell you this, and you don't have to believe it: just take it and go on to explore life. I even feel a little uneven here, cause I remember how it was to listen to this and not to give a flip about it. But that's all there's to say, and it is true.

 

About being best friends: I myself wouldn't do it, for the exact same reasons you put. It's way too hard. But what you two had once is not necessarily gone. Maybe it's the case of letting her walk for some time, maybe a year or two (or less, or more) and maybe you, with another girl in your heart, may come to be great friends with her again, and just that. You don't necessarily have reasons to hate or despise her, since she's only being honest to you and to her.

 

Let me tell you about the last part: it is possible she doesn't need to realise how great it was what you two had. If you know that, maybe she does too. That's not the point here. The point is IT IS possible for you both to have it again with other partners, I can tell you that. When you're young and had this great big love, all this sound like BS and your love was the greatest of all, but you have a whole life ahead, and you don't know the secrets for that. One of them I know: IT IS not only possible, but also very achievable. I'm living a much better relationship now than with this one I told you about.

 

And both of you won't forget what you had so far, you staying together for a few more years from now or breaking up now. It'll be called experience and it will help you a lot later.

 

I'm quite young too (a little older than you) and I'm not talking as Mr Experienced here, on the top of all hills. This just comes from what I've learned so far.

[chai714]

You're not sunk yet. First off, stay away from her for now. NC for a while, until you can get a grip on your emotions. You noticed how you were less emotional while you didn't have contact with her? Well, do that again, but this time for longer.

 

If you can, appear as if you're getting along just fine. Even though it's just an act, it can give you a psychological advantage over her. If she thinks you're getting along just fine, her behavior will differ than what it is right now. You've given her power (and that is ok for now), but to get some control back, you must first control your emotions (especially when talking to her (or anyone she knows)).

 

Breakups tend to end up being a psychological war. If she calls you, I would avoid any more 4 hour talks. Keep your initial convo's after a breakup, short and be vague. She asks, "what are you doing this weekend?" You say, "hanging out with a friend." End of story. At this point, there's no need to disclose any details. This also keeps her guessing what you're up to, and thus gives you more of an edge. I'm not advocating lying to her, but as a tactic, be vague in general when dealing with her. This whole "let's be best friends" will not work right now.

 

As difficult as it may be right now, don't contact her. Go through some healing, surround yourself with family and friends, and hit the gym. One last piece of advice: don't tell anyone you're going to use violence against them. The last thing you need is to be arrested right now. So, don't threaten anyone she's dating, ever again.

[justsweetgirl]

You say you could have been a much better boyfriend, you're "just not good at that sort of thing." Maybe that contributed to the breakup. Perhaps you can choose to do better in the future? Also, I see a pattern regarding couples breaking up and continuing to talk, even though one of them is already seeing someone new. Breaking up is so painful. The only way to get through it or have a chance to get back together is to have no contact while you both figure out what you want. It's understandable to feel you can't live without her. But the fact is, you had a life before you met her. Keep busy with friends and family. Take up old hobbies and interests you shelved while you were dating. Read all the other posts about heartache and what people are doing to help themselves and realize you are by no means alone. Good luck.