I need a little push & support

[coolgirl]

I made a post about my life falling apart. And that I was starting to drink because I have a difficult time coping with situations. Update: I put that aside and now seeing a psychiatrist for medication so I am medicated and been on them for a week. One for my depression and mood stabilizer. I know I need to go back to therapy in order to get my life back again. I haven't lived a normal life for the past 17 years. I'm going to be 40 in the next 3 years and that I don't have a life of my own, I don't have a stable career, I still live with my parents. I know there are lots of issues I need to work on myself in order to get back what I lost those past 17 years. I'm tired of making mistakes that I can't seem to learn from it. The thing is what bothers me the most is that going back to therapy and rehashing everything again and that's something I want to avoid. I've been avoiding it for a long time not being able to cope with my past and now it seems it has taken a big effect on my life now. I keep throwing it off putting it on back burner and not deal with it but its catching up with me now. Even if I do go back to therapy I don't even know where to start. There are some parts of my life I don't remember when I was younger and I'm going to sit down with my father to have him tell me how my childhood was like through out my teenager years. My father was involved in my life more than my mother ever was. I do have resentment towards both of them and that's a different issue itself. I want to understand why I have problems dealing with people and why it's so hard for me to keep a friendship or relationship or being involved with someone. Not only that work issues, not being able to hold down a job, financial issues, not knowing how to cope with stress or anxiety and so much more and sometimes I feel like running away from it all put my old life behind and start somewhere new. It's frustrating because I can't seem to understand it myself anymore.

 

People in general can call me what ever they want, any name or put down and I know it shouldn't bother me it does a little bit because it makes me think that is that who I really am. While I'[m in the process of finding myself and not knowing who I am anymore. Yea, it takes my self esteem and confidence away. I am a work in process and god knows how long it's really going to take where I need to be in life. But I know I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life before I turn 40. I'm not even thinking about trying to find a relationship or be with a man that's far from my mind at this point. And with being Bipolar makes it harder. I already know who my therapist is all I need to do is pick up the phone and make that appointment. I am terrified of rehashing things again and go through the combat of emotions I dont know if I can do this again ! I just need that push and support !

[EternalFlame]

Insanity is doing the same thing you've always done without change but expecting a different result. The way i see it is you have 2 choices. Keep it buried and stay exactly like you are until it consumes you or face your fears so that you can grow, you can heal and you can get past it. You've tried burying your past which obviously didn't work. I know you don't want to rehash it out with your therapist but I believe thats the only way you can get past it and find at least some closure and healing. I think you're smart enough to know that but maybe you dont feel strong enough to actually do it. But you've got to push through the hard part because it gets better once you do. A lot better.. You can do this, I know you can