HARD TIME MAINTAINING NC TODAY Help

[Dominique]

Are you receiving any counseling?

 

If you're at a breaking point I highly recommend it.

 

I agree Bolt.

 

Dominique. Get any help you can there IRL. Here in virtual reality we can only do so much.....

I am seeing a counselor. I had to go take a walk. It's just alot to deal with. I know it seems like " oh just call him....oh just get a lawyer...but it is way more complicated than that." i appreciate the support though. i truly truly do!

 

 

 

NYS finally added a no-fault option: "broken down irretrievably". I am actually preparing uncontested divorce paperwork as I type this. The adultery option is also listed. This is commonly pursued when the one wants to paint the other in a bad light to better position themselves when details such as property ownership, child custody and spousal support is decided.

 

So, it sounds like the OP's husband is trying to gain leverage by requesting the texts/email/social media details. My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue?

 

If he is just trying to be an a$$ and embarrass you, he may paint himself in a bad light in front of the judge.

 

Yes, Hayden.

"My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue?"

 

The judge may not indeed be too impressed by this bullying and harassment.......

 

Yes. The judge will see right through it. My restraining order and photos are all on record and will be held there until the divorce is final. Still doesn't mean that he can't subpeona whatever is legal to ask for. The documents go to his lawyer and then to a judge. I don't have to give them to him directly....

 

But is it legal to hand it to him? Can't you demand that you hand it to court and only to the court?

 

And so what? They're going to think you left him for your ex (which the communications won't even confirm that) and then after all this crap you can finally divorce? I see that he's doing all this just to delay the divorce. And while they're wasting time and tax payers money on your personal life, can you hand them your past restraining order and all proof of the abuse?

 

I think that you have more on your side than you think. You might feel weak and tired and with economical problems due to this, but you have everything to win. You just need to gather all the resources you can... from friends to family to documents to your lawyer and to counseling to all the support groups you can get.

 

I'm praying for the end of this. You've been through so much but you're almost there, hold on.

I have friends and his friends and my family all ready to testify..... a day in court with witnesses will cost me $2500 minimum, not to mention the paperwork filings up until then.

[Dominique]

Are you receiving any counseling?

 

If you're at a breaking point I highly recommend it.

 

I agree Bolt.

 

Dominique. Get any help you can there IRL. Here in virtual reality we can only do so much.....

 

NYS finally added a no-fault option: "broken down irretrievably". I am actually preparing uncontested divorce paperwork as I type this. The adultery option is also listed. This is commonly pursued when the one wants to paint the other in a bad light to better position themselves when details such as property ownership, child custody and spousal support is decided.

 

So, it sounds like the OP's husband is trying to gain leverage by requesting the texts/email/social media details. My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue?

 

If he is just trying to be an a$$ and embarrass you, he may paint himself in a bad light in front of the judge.

 

Yes, Hayden.

"My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue?"

 

The judge may not indeed be too impressed by this bullying and harassment.......

 

What Annia said.

 

And, Dominique, what you need is a lawyer with what is called the "killer instinct" to deal with your husband.

You can't play nice with individuals like him

 

I am doing the best i can....every time i call my lawyer it costs me $300.

 

My ex Luv said to me when he was at this same point in his divorce, right before things just fell apart for us, "i'm a mess! this is the last thing you deserve right now."

 

Now i know what he meant. I AM A MESS.

 

He was working two jobs,,,had his kids 5 days a week.....he was drowning in legal bills. he fell asleep driving to my house one night and almost died!

 

Now i am doing the exact same thing! two jobs...i have my son 6 days a week and every other weekend. i am drowning in debt. i am totally depressed. i am no good to anyone right now.

 

i just want to lie down under the bed. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me besides my marriage... i feel like i am losing all the time.

[LaHermes]

Dominique:

 

You are going through a hellish time, and we are well aware you are doing the best you can. Try to get some rest when you can, even sit for 15 minutes on your own and just breathe.

 

It will all be over, and nothing lasts forever. Your vindictive stbx sounds quite nightmarish, and let us hope that once divorced you don't have to have anything to do with him again.

[Dominique]

Dominique:

 

You are going through a hellish time, and we are well aware you are doing the best you can. Try to get some rest when you can, even sit for 15 minutes on your own and just breathe.

 

It will all be over, and nothing lasts forever. Your vindictive stbx sounds quite nightmarish, and let us hope that once divorced you don't have to have anything to do with him again.

 

He is a nightmare. He uses our son to harass me too. It's a mess.

 

I just want to go home now.

[LaHermes]

It is important, Dom, that you somehow keep your health (physical and mental) and remain strong for the final bout ahead. And also for your child.

[Dominique]

It is important, Dom, that you somehow keep your health (physical and mental) and remain strong for the final bout ahead. And also for your child.

 

I will. 😔thanks.

 

In this process. I have lost almost everything. I quit a job I loved to go work a job I hate so I could support my kid on my own. I lost my good friend and lover. All my savings. My credit is ruined now trying to pay legal bills. I just feel so alone and so hopeless. 😔

 

And I know I don't mention it much...my marriage was nightmare and I am glad I am out but I am sad it didn't work out.

[LaHermes]

Thinking of you Dominique. The worst darkness is before the dawn.

You should not have had to endure this terrible situation.

[Dominique]

Thinking of you Dominique. The worst darkness is before the dawn.

You should not have had to endure this terrible situation.

 

A humble thank u. 😔❤️

[Annia]

Is there a possibility to make your ex husband pay more child support (like he should) after you two divorce for good?

 

Anyway we are all here praying for you. You might not feel so, but you're an inspiration!

[Dominique]

Is there a possibility to make your ex husband pay more child support (like he should) after you two divorce for good?

 

Anyway we are all here praying for you. You might not feel so, but you're an inspiration!

 

No. I make more than him now. Prior to the separation I was in a lower paying job but now I make more. I took this horrible job so I could afford to pay for our house and not move my son to an apartment. The area is very expensive.

 

Because I tried to supprt myself and not take advantage of the system... I got messed around on child support. My lawyer even told me to try to get a lower paying job. But my husband is a manipulator. He once tried to take my car away from me.

 

I don't want to have to depend on a check from him every month. The money he sends helps. But if he didn't send a dime, I could at least pay the mortgage and then starve.

[Dominique]

I just came home last night and took care of my baby boy. Then cried myself to sleep.

I talked to a lawyer friend of mine yesterday and he gave me some advice. I contacted my lawyer and will see what happens next. We have demanded some things from my husband .... We are fighting back. It is costing me more money. I don't know how I am going to pay for all this. I truly don't.

 

Anyway. Thanks for listening yesterday. I'm at my wits end. Therapy and friends etc... I am trying to keep it together. This is truly the worst time of my life....at least I hope it never gets worse than this.

[hyden]

No. I make more than him now. Prior to the separation I was in a lower paying job but now I make more. I took this horrible job so I could afford to pay for our house and not move my son to an apartment. The area is very expensive.

 

Because I tried to supprt myself and not take advantage of the system... I got messed around on child support. My lawyer even told me to try to get a lower paying job. But my husband is a manipulator. He once tried to take my car away from me.

 

I don't want to have to depend on a check from him every month. The money he sends helps. But if he didn't send a dime, I could at least pay the mortgage and then starve.

 

This doesn't sound right. Most if not all states have a set percentage you pay per child regardless of either parents income. For example, in NYS it is 17% for one child and 25% for two (what I currently pay). On top of that, extras like health care and child care costs are split using a wage comparison which could be 60/40, etc. So, how did you get 'messed around' on child support? The child support system cannot be manipulated...unless he works under the table and has reduced/no income on his tax returns.

 

As for sounding ambivalent about the support, it is your responsibility to secure the correct support to assist you with raising your child/children. You mention 'I could at least pay the mortgage and then starve'...that the whole dam n point of the support! So you don't have to pay bills and starve!

[Dominique]

This doesn't sound right. Most if not all states have a set percentage you pay per child regardless of either parents income. For example, in NYS it is 17% for one child and 25% for two (what I currently pay). On top of that, extras like health care and child care costs are split using a wage comparison which could be 60/40, etc. So, how did you get 'messed around' on child support? The child support system cannot be manipulated...unless he works under the table and has reduced/no income on his tax returns.

 

As for sounding ambivalent about the support, it is your responsibility to secure the correct support to assist you with raising your child/children. You mention 'I could at least pay the mortgage and then starve'...that the whole dam n point of the support! So you don't have to pay bills and starve!

 

Child supprt here is based on a guideline. Based on each parent's income, contribution to care and nights spent. My expected contribution is higher because I make more than him. His contribution is lowered because of my income. He pays what he is supposed to pay. If my income went down, he would pay more.

 

I don't know how else to explain it. The state sets the guideline.

 

I get what they say I should get.

 

My husband could "agree" to pay more.... I know my ex Luv gives his kid's mom $1200 a month voluntarily. The state says he owes way less.....but he wants his kids to have what they need and he doesn't want his ex wife to work two jobs.

 

At any rate... I spent a lot of money to make sure my son stayed in his home and has what he needs. There are days I don't get to eat but it is worth it to keep him stable.

 

My lawyers have exhausted the possibilities and it has cost me a lot of money to make sure they did.

[hyden]

Child supprt here is based on a guideline. Based on each parent's income, contribution to care and nights spent. My expected contribution is higher because I make more than him. His contribution is lowered because of my income. He pays what he is supposed to pay. If my income went down, he would pay more.

 

I don't know how else to explain it. The state sets the guideline.

 

I get what they say I should get.

 

I just reviewed the DC guidelines. It is different than NYS. The calculator has you enter a percentage of time the child spends with the non custodial parent (if time is 35% or greater). So, I am assuming your divorce is approaching more of the joint custodial with close to even split time (or at least between 35% and 50%. That would explain the child support struggle. In my case (in NYS), I am simply non-custodial as I have them less than 50% of the time, so I pay what I mentioned earlier.

 

In the event any other readers were interested, the DC calculator is located here:

[Dominique]

I just reviewed the DC guidelines. It is different than NYS. The calculator has you enter a percentage of time the child spends with the non custodial parent (if time is 35% or greater). So, I am assuming your divorce is approaching more of the joint custodial with close to even split time (or at least between 35% and 50%. That would explain the child support struggle. In my case (in NYS), I am simply non-custodial as I have them less than 50% of the time, so I pay what I mentioned earlier.

 

In the event any other readers were interested, the DC calculator is located here:

 

yes... i am very familiar. LOL

[alejandro79]

I feel your pain... don't do it!

 

Ask yourself this before you feel the urge to talk to him:

Are you ready to get hurt again?

 

If so, then call him and be prepared for the damaging consequences that will inevitably happen.

 

You helped me, let me help you.

I feel the pain too. It's my 2nd day of NC and it's hard because I'm thinking about my children as well. Her last message to me was "don't care what you do for your self now" really hurted me.

[Dominique]

I feel the pain too. It's my 2nd day of NC and it's hard because I'm thinking about my children as well. Her last message to me was "don't care what you do for your self now" really hurted me.

 

Jeesh! That's awful. I'm so sorry. 😔

[alejandro79]

Jeesh! That's awful. I'm so sorry. 😔

Thank you, I miss my family! I miss my best friend (wife....mother of children )

I pray to god for her and my kids every night and something even during the day. I hear successful story and I wish I could be one of those stories

[Dominique]

Thank you, I miss my family! I miss my best friend (wife....mother of children )

I pray to god for her and my kids every night and something even during the day. I hear successful story and I wish I could be one of those stories

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sending you light and peace.

[alejandro79]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sending you light and peace.

Thank you for prayer.

[Dominique]

Thank you for prayer.

 

keep your head up....

 

i am dreading this weekend without my Luv, but it is what it is.

[alejandro79]

keep your head up....

 

i am dreading this weekend without my Luv, but it is what it is.

You do the same. I'm actually took "get away" to home town and she get upset. She say ," I don't understand where this get away crap came from" and I said to her, I NEED TO BREATH.

[figureitout23]

keep your head up....

 

i am dreading this weekend without my Luv, but it is what it is.

 

I must say, I'm a bit confused about all this. I'm not quite clear why you two are not together and if you stated it and I missed it I apologize. Is it that you 'cant' be together because of your divorce? Or is it that you don't want to be together during your divorce?

 

No one can stop you from being with the man you love. Especially not a soon to be ex husband. Is there more to this?

[Dominique]

I must say, I'm a bit confused about all this. I'm not quite clear why you two are not together and if you stated it and I missed it I apologize. Is it that you 'cant' be together because of your divorce? Or is it that you don't want to be together during your divorce?

 

No one can stop you from being with the man you love. Especially not a soon to be ex husband. Is there more to this?

 

Firstly, Thank u so much for caring enough to ask.

 

If you read the entire post you will see all the whys and whats of this. It's a very complicated situation. And yes. I have learned first hand that Situations can sometimes stop you from being together. I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't living it now.

 

I am being followed by a private investigator. My communications are being subpoenaed in court.

My ex Luv was also harassed by his ex. We both got very depressed and financially depleted. Him first, then me.

 

My divorce and his divorce have been the worst I have ever seen. If you read the entire post, you will see all the details. I'm too sad today to recount it now.

[figureitout23]

 

My divorce and his divorce have been the worst I have ever seen. If you read the entire post, you will see all the details. I'm too sad today to recount it now.

 

1.) ((hugs))

 

2.) I did read through more posts. You mentioned in the 'I need your support' thread that he was dating his receptionist. Is that still going on? If so I think you should definitely stay strong and continue with NC. Contacting him may very well do more harm to you than good.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was just mentioning to another poster in another thread that it seems that, that first post legal separation/divorce relationship has the potential to really do a number on people if they fail. I'm having a hard time walking away from FWB and i wasn't even in love with him. It seems a person is more vulnerable, still raw, almsot like ripping off the bandaid of a not yet healed scar. Its tough, but theres light at the end of the tunnel.