Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I almost called him today.... But things are a mess with my divorce. I don't want him followed and harassed. I want to pick up the phone and just hear his voice. I almost called three times. I am almost ready to call now. Venting here to stop myself. Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 i have the phone in my hand....omg Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Put down that phone, Dominique. Tell me something. Why would your ex (the one you want to call now) would be harassed as a result of these divorce proceedings. He hasn't done anything wrong..... Link to comment
Vicky89 Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 What if you wait so long to get in touch with him, wait for this divorce of yours to blow over, that this man you love finds himself someone else ? You have said before that you guys ended amicably and that he loved you and treated you well and you clearly love him back so.... am not seeing why you can't contact him ? Buy one of those prepaid phones if you are paranoid about this coming up in the divorce proceedings, and see how he is doing. At any rate, come back and post an update if you called him... Link to comment
LonelyJedi Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I feel your pain... don't do it! Ask yourself this before you feel the urge to talk to him: Are you ready to get hurt again? If so, then call him and be prepared for the damaging consequences that will inevitably happen. You helped me, let me help you. Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Put down that phone, Dominique. Tell me something. Why would your ex (the one you want to call now) would be harassed as a result of these divorce proceedings. He hasn't done anything wrong..... my husband thinks i am leaving him for someone else. he asked me to reconcile in October and i said no. Not because of someone else, but because i endured 10 years of abuse with him and i finally got strong enough to get out. My soon to be ex husband is having me followed by an investigator, has my texts and emails subpoenaed. all to prove i am leaving him for someone else..... if i start up contact again, he will be in the middle of that. something i don't want. we both decided the timing was horrible for us right now. his wife was doing the same thing to him in the winter, except i didn't know it. he would tell me to call and not to text. he wanted to protect me. i had no idea someone could even require these things in court? i wouldn't have left my family for another man. i left because i was tired of being choked and hit and called a liar and a in front of my kid. i started dating my ex Luv 2 years AFTER my separation. he was separated 2 years at the time as well. we kept it quiet, never flaunted it to either ex-spouse. we didn't want to complicate things for our kids or our divorces, so we tried to be respectful and said we would come out and tell people (outside our very closest friends) once our divorces were final a year later.... my ex Luv's divorce was final a few days ago. I am still 6 months or so away. Link to comment
iramency Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I feel this way every day but with each day in it gets easier. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 OP. Obviously you did not leave your husband for another man. But even if you had, how would that affect the divorce proceedings. Is there no "no fault" divorce where you are? "........no-fault divorce, first introduced in California in 1970. California's law (signed by then-Governor Ronald Reagan, himself a divorcee) was followed by similar laws in many states in the 1970s and early '80s Today, all states except New York offer some form of no-fault divorce." Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 OP. Obviously you did not leave your husband for another man. But even if you had, how would that affect the divorce proceedings. Is there no "no fault" divorce where you are? "........no-fault divorce, first introduced in California in 1970. California's law (signed by then-Governor Ronald Reagan, himself a divorcee) was followed by similar laws in many states in the 1970s and early '80s Today, all states except New York offer some form of no-fault divorce." all my personal communication is going to be aired in court.... regardless of the property, it is a huge invasion of privacy. who wants to have that level of exposure? i don't. i've already been exposed and harassed enough without new communications being added. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 But WHY, Dominique? all my personal communication is going to be aired in court.... Surely your own lawyer can counteract this type of harassment. Is (perceived) adultery still grounds for divorce where you are? Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 my husband thinks i am leaving him for someone else. he asked me to reconcile in October and i said no. Not because of someone else, but because i endured 10 years of abuse with him and i finally got strong enough to get out. My soon to be ex husband is having me followed by an investigator, has my texts and emails subpoenaed. all to prove i am leaving him for someone else..... if i start up contact again, he will be in the middle of that. something i don't want. we both decided the timing was horrible for us right now. his wife was doing the same thing to him in the winter, except i didn't know it. he would tell me to call and not to text. he wanted to protect me. i had no idea someone could even require these things in court? i wouldn't have left my family for another man. i left because i was tired of being choked and hit and called a liar and a in front of my kid. i started dating my ex Luv 2 years AFTER my separation. he was separated 2 years at the time as well. we kept it quiet, never flaunted it to either ex-spouse. we didn't want to complicate things for our kids or our divorces, so we tried to be respectful and said we would come out and tell people (outside our very closest friends) once our divorces were final a year later.... my ex Luv's divorce was final a few days ago. I am still 6 months or so away. Good gawd.. you were involved with a narc Thos people are the worst! PLEASE look at getting some decent prof help to get yourself out of this... mess. Take care of YOU now. get yoruself back on track with your life. and No. You do not want him back in your Life.. again! Knowing ALL he's done to you. Find someone who can help you along with this.. some support. Family/friends? Keep distance.. always. Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 But WHY, Dominique? all my personal communication is going to be aired in court.... Surely your own lawyer can counteract this type of harassment. Is (perceived) adultery still grounds for divorce where you are? yes.. it is grounds..... doesn't change the property etc. but my husband wants me to go on the stand and be embarrassed so he can harass me Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I am having difficulty understanding all this, Dominique. Harassing someone is - usually - against the law. What does your lawyer have to say to all this? Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Good gawd.. you were involved with a narc Thos people are the worst! PLEASE look at getting some decent prof help to get yourself out of this... mess. Take care of YOU now. get yoruself back on track with your life. and No. You do not want him back in your Life.. again! Knowing ALL he's done to you. Find someone who can help you along with this.. some support. Family/friends? Keep distance.. always. thank you for your support and kindness. just to be clear. i do not want my abusive ex husband back. i was involved with someone wonderful 2 years after my husband and i separated and between his divorce and mine, we broke under the pressure. decided that we were both too depressed, emotionally unsatble and financially destroyed to continue with our relationship at the time. Divorce makes you very damaged. THIS is the person i want to call today. Not my ex husband. Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 I am having difficulty understanding all this, Dominique. Harassing someone is - usually - against the law. What does your lawyer have to say to all this? it is totally legal for my husband to request copies of my texts, emails and facebook history. i didn't know this either...but it is and he has. for THREE YEARS! they want records. i feel like i am on trial for murder. and it is all totally legal. i have had to turn over my calendars for the last 5 years, my check stubs for the last 7, my notes and any journals, photos, mementos etc..... APPARENTLY THERE IS NOT ANYTHING HE CAN NOT ASK FOR. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Today, all states except New York offer some form of no-fault divorce." Not knowing much about laws in D.C. but all this sounds extremely unusual. Again, what does your own lawyer have to say. You did not meet this other man till you were two years separated anyhow. The District of Columbia offers no-fault divorces, meaning the court will not assign fault to either party. D.C. law states that one party must allege that the marriage is "irretrievably broken" (commonly known as irreconcilable differences, the two parties no longer get along). Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Today, all states except New York offer some form of no-fault divorce." Not knowing much about laws in D.C. but all this sounds extremely unusual. Again, what does your own lawyer have to say. You did not meet this other man till you were two years separated anyhow. it's not illegal. it is unusual but not illegal....my lawyer is telling me this is "standard" and is fighting it as much as possible. i have never known anyone in a divorce to go through what i am going through. not even close.....my brother's wife left him for another man and he didn't take her through all this mess. My husband is an abuser....he is a litigator. he is using every tool at his disposal to harass me. you have no idea the heck i have been through. this is almost worse than my marriage. he is angry that the last time he grabbed me i filed a restraining order. i am finally free of him but he knows that this is how he holds on to me. i can't afford to fight him in court much longer and if my financial resources get exhausted, he will win all our property by default because i will be in contempt of court! you have no idea what the legal system will allow. Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 this conversation and the explanation of off this has made me put down the phone... going in the bathroom at work to cry now. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Are you receiving any counseling? If you're at a breaking point I highly recommend it. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I agree Bolt. Dominique. Get any help you can there IRL. Here in virtual reality we can only do so much..... Link to comment
hyden Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Today, all states except New York offer some form of no-fault divorce." Not knowing much about laws in D.C. but all this sounds extremely unusual. Again, what does your own lawyer have to say. You did not meet this other man till you were two years separated anyhow. The District of Columbia offers no-fault divorces, meaning the court will not assign fault to either party. D.C. law states that one party must allege that the marriage is "irretrievably broken" (commonly known as irreconcilable differences, the two parties no longer get along). NYS finally added a no-fault option: "broken down irretrievably". I am actually preparing uncontested divorce paperwork as I type this. The adultery option is also listed. This is commonly pursued when the one wants to paint the other in a bad light to better position themselves when details such as property ownership, child custody and spousal support is decided. So, it sounds like the OP's husband is trying to gain leverage by requesting the texts/email/social media details. My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue? If he is just trying to be an a$$ and embarrass you, he may paint himself in a bad light in front of the judge. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Yes, Hayden. "My confusion is that if you were legally separated when you started seeing the other guy, what's the issue?" The judge may not indeed be too impressed by this bullying and harassment....... Link to comment
Annia Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 my husband thinks i am leaving him for someone else. he asked me to reconcile in October and i said no. Not because of someone else, but because i endured 10 years of abuse with him and i finally got strong enough to get out. My soon to be ex husband is having me followed by an investigator, has my texts and emails subpoenaed. all to prove i am leaving him for someone else..... if i start up contact again, he will be in the middle of that. something i don't want. we both decided the timing was horrible for us right now. his wife was doing the same thing to him in the winter, except i didn't know it. he would tell me to call and not to text. he wanted to protect me. i had no idea someone could even require these things in court? i wouldn't have left my family for another man. i left because i was tired of being choked and hit and called a liar and a in front of my kid. i started dating my ex Luv 2 years AFTER my separation. he was separated 2 years at the time as well. we kept it quiet, never flaunted it to either ex-spouse. we didn't want to complicate things for our kids or our divorces, so we tried to be respectful and said we would come out and tell people (outside our very closest friends) once our divorces were final a year later.... my ex Luv's divorce was final a few days ago. I am still 6 months or so away. Maybe in America is different, but I never understood what's the influence of you leaving for someone else (I know it's not true) on the divorce. Did you have some sort of written thing in the marriage prenup or whatever saying that if one left for someone else the other one gets nothing? Yes, I know your husband is a "sociopath" and is doing all this just to humiliate you and take you to the cleaners, but I think it's time to stop bowing your head to this creep. You need people (family, friends, whatever) to testify that you were abused and you need to show those pictures of your bruises that you have on court. I think you can win this but to do so you have to play hard. But you're so kind that you don't want to involve others in this... but I'm sure you have people who would gladly help you. And I'm sorry to be medling so harshly like this, it's just that you seem so kind and strong that I get mad at what your ex husband is doing even though I don't know any of you. I'm wishing that this divorce comes to an end and that you can start over free from all this. With or without your ex. (((hugs))) Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 What Annia said. And, Dominique, what you need is a lawyer with what is called the "killer instinct" to deal with your husband. You can't play nice with individuals like him Link to comment
Annia Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 it is totally legal for my husband to request copies of my texts, emails and facebook history. i didn't know this either...but it is and he has. for THREE YEARS! they want records. i feel like i am on trial for murder. and it is all totally legal. i have had to turn over my calendars for the last 5 years, my check stubs for the last 7, my notes and any journals, photos, mementos etc..... APPARENTLY THERE IS NOT ANYTHING HE CAN NOT ASK FOR. But is it legal to hand it to him? Can't you demand that you hand it to court and only to the court? And so what? They're going to think you left him for your ex (which the communications won't even confirm that) and then after all this crap you can finally divorce? I see that he's doing all this just to delay the divorce. And while they're wasting time and tax payers money on your personal life, can you hand them your past restraining order and all proof of the abuse? I think that you have more on your side than you think. You might feel weak and tired and with economical problems due to this, but you have everything to win. You just need to gather all the resources you can... from friends to family to documents to your lawyer and to counseling to all the support groups you can get. I'm praying for the end of this. You've been through so much but you're almost there, hold on. Link to comment
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