Why would they intentionally hurt you

[Fracturedheart]

Why do significant others lie or string someone along when they don't actually have real feelings? How could they hurt you knowingly?

 

I could never hurt someone I cared about. It's hard to come to terms that someone you cared so much for could use you and care so little about what they were doing to you whether it hurt you or not.

 

How can I accept this has happened to me?

[greta96]

The harsh truth is that they don't actually intentionally hurt you, meaning in most cases they don't purposefully set out to hurt you.

When people are selfish, their main priority is themselves. They may lead you on or stay with you even though they don't really have feelings for you because they don't want to be alone, or they want to have sex, or whatever the case may be. They do it to satisfy their need, not to hurt you (even though they do of course end up hurting you).

 

You accept it because it's life, and this is part of dating/ relationships. There is no other choice but to accept it, make peace with it and move on. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's never good times.

[WombatShadow]

You're looking at this through a very black-and-white lens by assuming that your ex strung you along while knowing for sure that she had no feelings for you.

 

Love is complicated. Sometimes people have feelings still, ones that may not be as strong as they should be, but feelings all the same. They might want those feelings to grow again, and hold out hope that they might, but eventually reality comes crashing down. Your ex might have had similar hopes and wanted to keep trying because she cared for you, but eventually she realized that the feelings weren't going to be what they should for whatever reason.

 

Don't automatically paint your ex as a villain. That happens a lot with breakups, and understandably so; after all, she hurt you by breaking up with you and then seemingly stringing you along. The problem with painting the ex a villain instead of a human with flaws is that you leave yourself in the role of a victim. It's fine to wallow in there for awhile, but eventually you need to come to terms with the fact that she probably didn't hurt you out of some cruel desire to inflict pain. She's human, and she made choices that did end up hurting you, but I can almost guarantee that they weren't targeted at you.

 

Once you stop being the victim in your own head, you'll learn to stand tall again.

[thealchemist]

I think it is rare for someone to intentionally hurt someone else in a relationship. I think it boils down to the fact that they love themselves more than their SO. Selfishness is the biggest reason I see.

 

People lie and string others along because one of two main reasons. They don't have the guts to do what they know is right, or they think that letting you down slow is better.

 

Acceptance is a moot point because it happened. Whether you accept the sky is blue or not, it is still blue. The biggest issue I see with people who can't let go is they can't take their nostalgia goggles off. How long has it been? Best of luck to you.

[Hopeful143]

This was the story of my life. Truth is though, others will treat us the way we allow them to. For me, I have forced myself to start setting boundaries that are good for me and no longer compromise my self-worth to please anyone else. If someone doesn't treat you with the integrity and respect you deserve, they are not worthy enough to be in your life. I at some point realized that i treated others better than I treated myself and that had to change. And once i started treating myself better, i started to get stronger and the actions of others didn't affect me as much. Treat yourself how you want your ex to treat you and dont except anything less. You have to heal and it takes time and should not be rushed. Forgive yourself for whatever your role was in the mess, forgive your ex for whatever their role was and start let go one day at a time. Moving on takes time, lots of time and i promise once you accept the fact that we cannot change others and can only change ourselves, things will start to get easier and easier. Hope this was helpful. Stay true to yourself and keep your head up.

[Pretzel]

Yeah i think selfishness is the crux of the issue here. Some people are more inherently selfish than others and perhaps one day karma will pay them a visit which might mean that they will reflect on their own values and behaviour with others. So as others have suggested, there's no point crying over spilt milk. By all means, vent and get your frustrations out (you have every right to feel frustrated), but sooner than later you'll move on and put it behind you and find happiness elsewhere.

 

If you wallow / dwell for too long you'll adopt victim mentality and you don't want that - just take lessons learnt to help you in your future and don't pay too much mind to selfish people.

 

Sometimes I reflect, and think back to my ex, and remember how darn selfish he was and I feel a bit disgusted to be frank at his levels of selfishness that I wasn't aware of at the time. I'm now in a much happier place and find someone more compatible in terms of give and take. That is a satisfying feeling. Or just simply giving time to someone else (regardless of whether it is a new partner or not- could be a friend or family member) who is more appreciative of your love and care is generally a lot more satisfying. I recommend investing your energies somewhere else that is a better place.

Good luck to you!

[Fracturedheart]

How long has it been? Best of luck to you.

 

It's been on and off for a year, last time we spoke was 3-4 months ago.

 

If they weren't interested or didn't see anything going anywhere then I would have appreciated being told upfront so I didn't waste my time but instead I developed feelings and now it's affecting me.

 

Thanks for the advice

[boltnrun]

My ex intentionally hurt me.

 

He couldn't get along with his ex for more than a couple of weeks even though he really wanted to be with her. So he kept me around for those nights when she and he were fighting, so he wouldn't have to be or sleep alone. Then he met and fell in love with someone else, but since she was engaged and living with one of his family members he couldn't immediately start an actual public relationship with her, so again he kept me around for sex and companionship on the nights he couldn't find a way to sneak her over. And finally, he constantly was on the search for new women to "hook up" with, but like I said earlier, he kept me present just in case he didn't score.

 

If I got upset or called him out, he'd scornfully tell me I was insane and that I was acting psycho. He'd belittle me. He'd also tell me that I knew what I'd signed up for and that I could deal with it or get out of his face.

 

BUT...if he thought some other guy was sniffing around me, he suddenly LOVED me and would be all over me with a ridiculous amount of PDA.

 

Keeping myself in that pseudo-relationship did more damage than just about anything I've been through, and my childhood was a doozy. I blame ME, not him, because I saw what was in front of me but I kept hoping if I was just the coolest, most awesome girlfriend ever, he'd see the light and morph into a loving, caring and faithful partner. In short, I was living a lie that I had created for myself.

 

It's important to realize there are bad people out there. And it's important to realize we need to choose to protect ourselves, because these selfish people certainly aren't going to. We need to stay away.