Approaching Quiet Guys

[swedeace]

I work in a computer lab at a community college as a computer lab tech, and I am starting to feel the butterflies in my stomach when I see this multimedia student three days a week.

 

I am quite excited about subbing for one of his classes tomorrow! Subbing is part of our job.

 

I find myself falling head over heels and tend to look more than once to quiet guys who mind their own business and work on their homework and obey the rules, so to speak. I did find out his name through his instructor in the faculty lounge when I discreetly asked her in a sneaky manner so she wouldn't catch on.

 

Granted, I don't know anything about him other than he does great work in his class, so I'd like to find out more information about him so I know whether he is date-able, if that makes any sense.

 

I also want to test my gaydar on him.... Last guy I badly crushed on turned out to be gay, and my gaydar was so wrong!

 

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to approach him? He's so quiet and just keeps to himself - doesn't really converse with other students or anything unless they approach him and ask him a question. He reminds me of me. I do the same thing! I just mind my own business unless people approach me, so I think that's why I am falling for him.

 

The semester will end in 2.5 weeks, so I'd like to get to chit-chat with him before the semester break. I'm not even sure if he'll be taking classes during the summer or will be taking a break or what. My goal is to try and approach him to learn a little more about him before furthering anything. Any ideas?

[DN]

start the conversation about a work related subject, but turn on the charm, look into his eyes, smile, etc. If you get good vibes say that you would like to continue the conversation over coffee. See if he takes up the offer and reciprocates the interest.

[swedeace]

Thanks for your suggestions, DN!

 

I just don't know how to approach him because he just sits down, sits through the instructor's lecture, does homework, and just leaves. Not much more than that. At times, he'll go into the hall and take a call on his cellphone, but that's it. It's difficult to approach him "out of the blue" about something work-related. I don't know. I'd like to find out if he is taken, first of all. I don't want to interrupt any romantic relationship he might possess, and I'd like to run gaydar through him from my learned past experience.

 

BTW, DN, did you read my thread about my guy friend's situation? Any advice for that, too?

[DN]

Best way to find if he is taken is to approach him You know what he does so ask his advice on something - make it up if you have to. Don't worry about the gaydar thing - if he is gay he may still turn out to be a good friend even if he is if not relationship material.

 

Can you give me a link to the other thread.

[swedeace]

That's not a bad idea of making up a question or advice, but he knows I'm into multimedia as I help out in that multimedia lab a lot. He might start to wonder why I am targetting him "out of the blue," especially being that he's quiet.

 

DN, the link is link removed

[mjctraider]

I had a similar situation with a girl in one of my classes. It's been over ten weeks and we never said a word to each other, we're both shy and finally today I had an opporunity to talk to her and i said, "Hey I know we don't know each other, but would you want to exchange phone numbers or email addresses and get to know each other." To make a long story short, we ended up talking for about 15 minutes or so and we both exchanged email addresses and now I think it will be much easier to talk to her in person next time I see her, hope this helps.

[MetallicAguy]

These are the people that are like myself, who are actually really cool people. Though if he never has a day when he kicks back and you get that confident vibe from him, that's a warning sign I'd say that he's boring. Though one of my best friends is like a really good worker, good grades, pays attention and etc. and he is actually really hilarious when he cracks jokes. So usually these shy people that are very reserved usually at least have one thing that everyone finds cool about them. Most of these people want their personality to break free...but can't find the strength within themselves to do it.

[MetallicAguy]

Dude!, Mjc didn't I help you with that?! That's awesome, great job! I actually thought you weren't going to do it from your attitude before I told you all that stuff..well how's it going with that?

[DN]

That's not a bad idea of making up a question or advice, but he knows I'm into multimedia as I help out in that multimedia lab a lot. He might start to wonder why I am targetting him "out of the blue," especially being that he's quiet.

 

DN, the link is link removed

The whole point is to get him wondering!!!

[mjctraider]

Dude!, Mjc didn't I help you with that?! That's awesome, great job! I actually thought you weren't going to do it from your attitude before I told you all that stuff..well how's it going with that?

 

Well we've only talked once on Wednesday and now I need to decide if I should email her or wait till this Monday before I see her again. I don't want to make think I'm desperate, but at the same time I don't want her to think I'm not interested., but I was determined to talk to her, if I want something I go after it, I'm just slower than most people, lol

[swedeace]

Hey everyone!

 

Just thought I'd do a mini update:

 

I did approach the guy casually by "pretending" to do maintenance on a computer next to him (like someone suggested ), and I was so nervous because he was, once again, doing his own thing - doing homework. I tried talking with him like trying to say he had great photos up (it was a PhotoShop class), but he sounded confused and gave abrupt, quick answers. And when he wrapped up his stuff to leave, he didn't say, "See you later or anything!" I was so ready to just give up on him!

 

I had a co-worker friend sit beside me just to observe. Later she told me he smiled, so she suggested I not give up!

 

Shall I try more next week? I will see him this coming Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday and of next week - next week is the LAST week of the term! *nervous*

 

Shall I attempt for more small talks, or shall I just give up on him?

[DN]

Keep trying - also ask him if he would like to grab a coffee when he is finished.

 

Of course you can ask him!!

[swedeace]

Thanks, DN! I can't ask him out-right for a coffee or anything because he wasn't too respondent. I wouldn't want to scare him. I'd have to try and converse a couple more times. That's just so not me. I'd feel like a fool if I asked the wrong way.

 

HoldOn: You make a lot of sense with those quotes. I think maybe this guy is shy because of his mannerisms, his being quiet, his keeping to himself, etc, is because I am the same way. Being a somewhat "quiet and shy" person myself, I can sorta understand and pick the same thing up on others who are shy. Of course, I am not them, but I try to empathize with them. I dunno if that made any sense.

 

It's strange because a friend told me, "Don't be too strong, but flirt a little so he gets the hint." I, myself, am trying to get more of a "notice I am being friendly" notion before flirting. You know - something that's the intiation of attraction/"I want to get to know you as not a friend" to inbetween "friend." Like, not quite as a friend but a little more, if there's such a word for it. That's just how I operate. I just want to be noticed to talk-talk and get to know a little more about him in conversation. For all I know, he might just not be too open to dating or may even be taken. I'd like to know this before asking for anything further, should the time come up.

 

This is certainly a touchy situation because the majority of college students just have the intent of "going to class" or "getting through their class" and passing them and getting education - nothing much more than that. I am thinking this might be a little more work because while he's in "school," that's what he's focusing on - his school?

[swedeace]

Someone on another message board suggested that if he would've been interested in me, he would've shown it. They suggested I should just "forget him." What would you do if you were me?

[annie24]

just wondering... do you actually know that he's single? Perhaps he isn't being as responsive to you as you'd like because he has a gf, either in town or long-distance.

[DN]

Someone on another message board suggested that if he would've been interested in me, he would've shown it. They suggested I should just "forget him." What would you do if you were me?

 

I don't think that is necessarily true, particularly if he is very shy. If I were you I would ask him to go for a coffee but you have already said you can't do that. It is a sad thing that two people who may be very good for each other can't get together because both of them may be shy and unwilling to take a chance.

[swedeace]

I don't think that is necessarily true, particularly if he is very shy.

I am not 100% sure he's shy, but that's just my stipulation because of his "keeping to himself" and "being quiet." For all I know, he might just be concentrating totally on his work because he is in a college classroom environment. At times, I do see him run out into the hallway to take a phone call on his cellphone. I never hear it ring, but I think he has it on "vibrate mode." So I see him talking, but then I never get near enough to "listen" to his flow of convo. Although, that wouldn't be a bad idea just so I can get an idea of how he converses with whoever that person is - a friend, relative, or... *gasp* a significant other? I feel I have to whip out my gaydar because my last crush turned out to be gay, so this one could be too OR he could already be taken.

 

If I were you I would ask him to go for a coffee but you have already said you can't do that. It is a sad thing that two people who may be very good for each other can't get together because both of them may be shy and unwilling to take a chance.

It's not that I don't want to. Believe me. I DO want to... with all my heart. I just feel like immediately won't do me justice, as I feel it would make me WAY too desperate by bringing such a request up as my first words to conversing with him. I made myself look like a total fool when I asked him about those photos he had on his monitor because he had NO idea what I was saying, so I confused him. Needless to say - I felt SO stupid. Besides that, when he was wrapping up to leave for the day, I was next to him. Not once did he smile or even said, "See you later" to me. I don't know if it's actually do-able to pursue him or just forget him because if he felt flattered OR was interested in getting to know me, wouldn't he have said something to me? He didn't.

 

I would be, however, more apt to try and make more friendly conversations with him and see where that hails off. If I keep chit-chatting with him, and he DOES seem more open to conversing, then he's either interested in me for potential dating material OR he's just being friendly and wants to be friends. Either one works for me, so once he says one thing, I want to stick with it - should he give me a choice of either friend or date, that is.

 

A couple of my co-workers have told me he might be more interested in getting his projects done because this week and next week are the LAST weeks of this semester, so he might be in tuned with that first. It's a toughie...

[DN]

What would be the worst thing that could happen if you aked him and he said no?

[swedeace]

What would be the worst thing that could happen if you aked him and he said no?

I've been through that with the gay acquaintance I want to befriend before I wanted to befriend him. Does that make any sense? I'm just babbling... Well, anyway - to answer your question, I would feel mortified and would fee guilty because in my gut feeling, I don't think he's interested in me and would feel like I'm acting aggressive, so I'd think, "Why did I go through with it?"

 

If he tried to talk with me and even greeted me, then it's different. I don't know. I've asked a guy out last summer, and that turned out in a friendlier light because he offered "we could email as friends," but not every situation is like that.... I'm also afraid of hard or uncomfortable feelings towards each other.

[annie24]

Yeah - I agree with Swedeace. I think it would be a little awkward for her to ask him out to coffee or whatever if he doesn't always say hi or bye to her.

 

I guess if I were you, I'd just try to make friendly conversation with him sometimes. But, he may be involved with someone else, which is why he may not be picking up on / or may not care about other girls flirting with him. Or, maybe he's more interested in his exams right now, not in flirting.

 

In any case, I think you should go to work, but look extra nice. You never know - once his exams are over, he may be relaxed enough to think about asking girls out. Or, you may catch some other guy's eye.

 

good luck!