Contemplating reaching out

[Guitarguy_82]

Contemplating reaching out to the ex. It's been about a week since we've talked. She told me she wanted some alone time and was not sure what she wanted anymore last time we spoke.

 

Context:

Been together about 3 years. Dated for 2, 1 off and on after she cheated. Before she cheated I had had my own issues with talking to other women online and we had a brief split but got back together.

During our latest off and on stint, she mentioned something which prompted me to stop talking to her because she was basically entertaining another relationship. We went NC for a few weeks. She then wrote a very thoughtful email to me expressing her love and her wanting to get back together. After she wrote that, I replied and we tried to reconcile. She told me she was gonna end things with the other relationship (a poly couple), and wanted to prove that she wanted to be with me. I was interested in discussing it, but still had a lot of trust issues with her and was in the middle of trying to get my own life back on track. Based on the letter though, I went for it.

 

Things were good for a while, we went on dates, explored some new places in town, made some delicious food together, had game nights with her friends...it was all looking fairly good for the time being.

 

She started to come on a bit harder than I was prepared for though. Basically wanted me to assure her that I wanted to marry her and have her move in. The last few weeks of the reconciliation I then began to revert to old ways, online distractions, and paid less attention to her. The more she wanted to talk, the less I wanted to interact. Physical contact was at a low. I know that I love her and want her in my life, but as for promising to marry her that seemed like a red flag kind of move. I hesitated.

 

Finally we had a fight one night because this poly couple wanted to take her out again after she explicitly told me she "broke up with them" so that she could be with me. It just seemed to me like having them in the picture, even if they wanted to just have a platonic dinner with her, was counter-productive to her and I figuring things out...especially after she made such a deal of breaking things off with them. They apparently persisted and made their presence known in her life and she treated them with a bit more preference it seemed. Maybe I was just going slower than she wanted in the reconciliation process. I told her this and she basically didn't want to hear it. She felt like she was "drowning" and just needed to be alone and see what she wanted (ie, go date this couple like she knows I was against). She flat out asked me again if I wanted to marry her. I again told her I loved her and wanted to be with her but didn't directly answer the question. We had some brief other dialogue, she cried, and we ended the phone conversation by expressing that we weren't going to close the door on each other and that we could still talk and text. No contact since.

 

Today:

It's been a week, and I've been thinking a lot about what happened and where I'm at. Yes, I miss her, and yes I know its still fresh. I know that I'm not "whole" right now and reeling a bit from her not being in my life. I do love this person. She makes me happy in ways that other relationships never have. I can imagine a future with her. All I've been thinking of for the last few days are all the little things, the personal things that made our relationship special and unique. The intangibles. I know that there's times where I feel like I am not attracted to her. I don't know how much emphasis I should or should not be putting on this. I always end up in the circular argument that I should be above it all, not focus on looks, and I'm just being superficial, versus whether there really is something about her that makes her and I not mesh 100%. I am somewhat concerned about the sex aspect of our relationship, which she had suggested going to counseling for and I had shot down, but now I'm wondering if it may help. I am also concerned with her ability to have children (she has PCOS) and that could be an issue down the road which she is wanting me to commit to.

 

I'm not sure what I want to accomplish by reaching out. I would like to clear the air on a few things that were discussed last time we talked. We had agreed to do that. I don't want this to come off as me being pushy. I want to respect that she wants to be alone. I simply wanted a little tidying up. She's my best friend. I feel like she and I did really well in that aspect. I do miss that part.

 

I know all the same issues will come back up if I reach out. Our sex life, or lack thereof...moving in together and being a real couple with a clear path toward marriage....rebuilding trust which she has said she also has doubts of....and then of course the poly couple.

 

One other thing I've been doing...is trying to fantasize about her. Not necessarily in a sexual way, just thinking of her a little differently. Different hair, maybe a little slimmer (her weight issue is mostly due to the same PCOS, something she's been struggling to deal with and which I 100% supported her in). Maybe this is just a guy thing. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. Imagining her in ways I hadn't previously to, I guess, think of how to be attracted to her again. I am also trying to balance this with reality. If I have to be honest with myself, she was never really my type. How much convincing will it take to "desire" her? How is that fair to her or I?

 

I just know that I fall back into the old cycle of not being interested in her way too easily and way too soon after we "make-up". There's always that nice happy period for a few days, and then it all starts back up again.

 

I want to reach out. I want to talk to her. I wanted to work on the reconciliation before she decided she wanted to be "alone" (and have the freedom to see/date this other couple I guess)...so I don't know exactly what direction I want this conversation to go, if we have it.

 

I know that she's in a confused place. I know that she's feeling like I don't understand her or didn't want to work on things as hard as she did. I also realize that there's still red flags up and they just seem to keep popping up....

 

I talked to my mom about it the other day...she asked me "Hasn't this been dragged out long enough??" Good question mom. She also said ex is young and immature (ex is 24 I'm 35), and that there's a reason I'm not wanting to go through with it with her (the marriage part). She said I will know one day why I made the decision I made. I know she's just trying to give me advice to keep my spirits up, but I don't know anymore if there's something there with this girl to discuss and build on or if I need to really re-evaluate where I'm at, attempt to re-focus on myself (again), and just wait it out...

 

I go to sleep and wake up and spend almost all day thinking about this girl. All the good things and bad. All the times I could have done things differently and not take her for granted. She treated me better than any previous relationship ever had. I think about her life and what she wants and the people she wants to surround herself with and how that plays into it. She and I operated on a level that I feel I haven't been able to replicate with others. That's important to me. I know she would have my back in life. But marriage, kids, I don't know if this is possible. I love her and she makes me happy...but why do I keep hesitating? Even when we were together all I could think of was that I needed time to figure my life out and be alone as well. I thought of how great it must be to date other women that I would actually be attracted to. Maybe its just the grass is greener syndrome...

 

I want to work things out...but I also don't want to fall into the same traps again.

[Wiseman2]

Wow lots of stuff went on, so that's a lot to process. Deep down you know the poly thing and attraction thing are red flags and it would never work. Maybe your mom had some good tips there, no?