flaky/mixed signals from new girl

[accidentprone]

I started seeing this girl about two months ago. I met her through a friend and things progressed just fine. sometimes we would go out twice a week and sometimes she wanted to hangout nearly every day. she would stay over a bunch and we had plenty of fun together. after a month or so she brought up the "so what are we doing" talk because she had heard that I had been seen with another girl (it was purely platonic and it was a mutual acquaintance and after I told her the deal she seemed relieved and cool) and I assured her that I liked her and where things were going and wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, etc and she agreed but we also kinda talked about our conflicting schedules and we'd only been together for a month or so and while we liked how things were we felt no need to push or force anything. it seemed like we were on the same page. then things went back to normal for a couple weeks.

so my issue is this: we're both respectively busy but have consistently been able to make time for each other. there's not a ton of communication between seeing each other and that's mostly okay except sometimes when trying to make plans i end up waiting sometimes 5-6 hours to hear from her and that's hard to set concrete plans. example is yesterday around 9am I said hey lets hangout tonight if you're free and she responded at 3pm that she was up for it and would let me know when she was able to. so I just told her sounds good and let me know later on what time it's looking like. (I am by no means waiting around for her but still would like to know what to expect) and then at 11pm she texts me that she just finished and could be over soon. she knows I work at 6 am every day so that's obviously not going to work.

short of a planned date that goes according to schedule, this style of interaction is pretty consistently how things go with her the past couple weeks. she is always running late or oblivious to communications. now she does work a lot so it's understandable to an extent and I do like her and I'm pretty sure it's the same on her end with how much time we've spent together, but damn. you would think someone who wants to be in a serious relationship would put forth a bit more effort, right?.

is there any decent way for me to talk to her about this or do I just accept that is how she is and decide to pursue/not pursue anything serious with her until i see more from her? is this worth the effort on my end? she's not putting me out and i am not adjusting my schedules too much to accommodate unreasonable things but i would like at least more communication on things from someone who seemed to have wanted more than casual.

[Andrina]

When you're asking for a date on the same day, you can't expect a response in the way you always want, since it's really last minute. Obviously, she works a later schedule, so perhaps from 9 a.m. until the afternoon, she slept until going to work. Don't you two know your work schedules for the week? Can't you arrange things days or a week in advance so that you're doing something at both of your convenience?

 

Only you will know as time passes if she's making an equal effort into furthering the relationship. It's up to you to decide the timeline of giving a relationship a chance or calling it quits.

[accidentprone]

oh yes i agree fully. i wasn't expecting much other than a heads up as to when she thought she might be free. but i agree with your point. i guess my main concern lies with how casual she is about damn near everything. like the near-zero communication in between seeing each other. seems strange for someone who wants to date me, yeah? i am not by any means needy or high maintenance but typically some sign that this is mutual and my efforts are appreciated is nice.

and i guess i get thrown off by behavior changes. like one week she'll be super into trying to hangout and then the next it's ghost town. pretty odd. but maybe normal? idk

[Andrina]

If you're more upset or frustrated versus happy with the way things are going, it usually means the relationship is not right for you. Either use communication to express how you want things to be, or end it. A person can't read your mind. If a person cares, they will try to please you if the request is reasonable. If they don't care, they will let the relationship fade away. This should be the giddy high of a new relationship, but if a person could care less about speaking to you for a whole week, she probably really isn't into you. Time for you to speak up or end it.

[tattoobunnie]

Pick up the phone, and plan for a weekend date.

 

Stop texting. Obviously, she's not a good texter.

[accidentprone]

i actually have been pretty happy. even with the small amounts of chat, being that i don't need much. but there have just been behavior changes recently (though they could be circumstancial and temporary) that have thrown me off but then again it could just be her style.

like, the last few times we have hung out she asked me to hangout earlier in the day, then pretty much would just come over kinda late (because that's what the schedules would allow) and we'd small talk a little and she falls asleep. i understand this happening a little here and there but this was a couple nights in a row last week. just odd when i considering it along with her always taking so long to reply or initiate plans. I tend to read that as dwindling interest or boredom when I compare it to even a week prior.

so for now I think i'm just sitting back and gauging her interest level and seeing how she comes off in person. not sure what else i could do.

[Wiseman2]

Ok it sounds like it's going well and you handled the 'where are we' talk well, which is appropriate at 2 mos with sex in the picture.

 

Maybe make advance plans then confirm them. Sounds like some scheduling and communication stumbling, but nothing that can't be organized to flow better. Talk about how the work week and weekend looks for you and her and see what works. Don't be off the cuff or call the morning of, etc.

 

How are things otherwise?

example is yesterday around 9am I said hey lets hangout tonight if you're free and she responded at 3pm that she was up for it and would let me know when she was able to. so I just told her sounds good and let me know later on what time it's looking like. (I am by no means waiting around for her but still would like to know what to expect) and then at 11pm she texts me that she just finished.

[accidentprone]

thanks for the input.

i do like this girl and we have a great time it's just the odd communication patterns and seemingly wishy washy nature that throws me off. she's 25 and works two jobs so I get being busy but that part has been the same since we met so idk why things would change now. there's something in the back of my mind though, do you think it's possible that she's blowing hot and cold or being slightly distant due to the fact she feels we are in limbo based on the previous "relationship talk" that was almost month ago? if things would be normal i am certainly not opposed to making things official because she is in fact the only girl i am spending my time with. (is this a mistake or wrongful thinking?)

[SoulTaker]

after a month or so she brought up the "so what are we doing" talk because she had heard that I had been seen with another girl (it was purely platonic and it was a mutual acquaintance and after I told her the deal she seemed relieved and cool) and I assured her that I liked her and where things were going and wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, etc and she agreed but we also kinda talked about our conflicting schedules and we'd only been together for a month or so and while we liked how things were we felt no need to push or force anything.

 

....and I assured her that I liked her and where things were going and wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, etc and she agreed but we also kinda talked about our conflicting schedules and we'd only been together for a month or so and while we liked how things were we felt no need to push or force anything. it seemed like we were on the same page. then things went back to normal for a couple weeks.

 

If the two of you plan on being "exclusive", then I see nothing wrong with you bringing this up as a topic on the next date. You want more structure in communicating with her, so talk to her about it.

 

You state that she wants to be in a serious relationship, and you're going to be, or is now exclusive (which is the next level), so ask her during the next date if communications should change or will remain the same. There's no need to "beat around the bush" at this time.

[nsolo]

"example is yesterday around 9am I said hey lets hangout tonight if you're free and she responded at 3pm that she was up for it and would let me know when she was able to"

 

This isn't a great way to plan things with a woman in the beginning, in my opinion. I prefer to plan things at least a day in advance. Also, this is an important thing to consider: I'd recommend not putting yourself in the position of waiting around for her, of "maybe" being able to get together later. I've been jerked around enough to where I learned this lesson.

 

I am also careful about pursuing too much. If she's not messaging/calling you to get together sometimes, then don't keep asking her to get together.

 

The thing that makes this perhaps a tough situation is that you've basically said you aren't going to see anyone else at this point. The thing is that yeah, you're cool with exclusivity with her, but you also want her around enough to suit you. It seems like you want more than what she's giving you—and this doesn't seem to be just about her texting patterns. Only you can decide if and when it's appropriate to address this with her.

[nsolo]

" if things would be normal i am certainly not opposed to making things official because she is in fact the only girl i am spending my time with. (is this a mistake or wrongful thinking?)"

 

I wouldn't want to make things exclusive until I feel like she's earned it by giving about as equally as me. Until then, I'd be dating others as well. Why put your life on hold for somenoe you're not sure about?