I've screwed up...please give me advice!

[frankie2k]

I've screwed up in a big way.

 

I was with my ex for two years, and then three months ago out of the blue she told me she thought she didn't love me anymore. She thought about it for a couple of weeks then told me, yes, she'd fallen out of love with me. I was gutted, understandably - and went through the usual emotions - questioning, suspicious, etc. Now time has past I still love her more than ever but really respect her for having had the guts to tell me.

 

I still haven't got over it, but for her sake I pretended I had, we have a great friendship which comes under strain whenever I mention how we were, etc.

 

Earleir this week we were getting to the chatting stage again, just talking about nothing in particular and I liked it. We were chatting like old friends, as we are. She talked about not having a current boyfriend or anything and it was nice. It was good to (kind of) reconnect and we were working on the friendship. Hopefully I could see it maybe blossoming again...who knows?

 

But then last night I screwed up. I went out in a nearby city and got very drunk. I sent her some SMS's saying I was drunk and coming out with all the feelings I was experiencing. Understandably she freaked out. She told me to "f*ck off" (several times) and told me I'm risking the friendship.

 

I love her so much, I thought (in my drunken state) that it was only fair to tell her how I was feeling. Obviously that was the wrong move. Now I think I've pushed her away for good. Does anyone have any advice on how I can patch things up? In an ideal world, no matter how long it takes I would do anything to get back with her. She's my everything.

 

Please help!

[zara]

Dear Frankie,

this girl does not sound like she is being at all respectful towards you...i understand that u love her, but have a bit of dignity. what she is doing is not right, and even if u love her, it does not condone her behaving like that.

i think she thinks she can say anything to u and u would still care...in essense it seems like she is taking advantage of ur love...on subconscious level we all like to feel like we are being loved and needed...

i have been in ur position, had an ex i really loved hang up the phone on me and totally flip

my advice to u is simple. people dont really change that much, and something in u made her fall in love with u...before there was a we there was a me. if i were you i would stand up for urself in a polite way...call her if u have enough strength, be cool about it all and say, listen i thought we could be friends but its just that we tried too quickly and i need more time and space from you. i dont think its right that u were swearing at me, because i dont think even in my drunken state i did anything to deserve that....i dont think we should talk anymore, i need to find my own happiness, and u dont make me happy now.

if u say that, and let it go and dont call her, i tell u it may take some time...and it will shock her and be unexpected...but after a few months she will start wondering where u went. she might call just to check up on u....use ur time apart to regain ur own sense of self so that if and when she calls u know how to handle her. and see things for all that they are...u may love her but she is not acting right. maybe soon u will be strong enough to see that and not blame urself for everything...and if u are truly right and meant to be together, fate has a way of bringing people together when the time is right. but only when both parties are happy. independent and secure in themselves, and if it was meant to be...

good luck.

[whatfor]

yes its totaly rude that she said f**k off to you when you told her about your feelings. You are the one who should be saying the f. o. thing now.

[shockeddismayed]

Frankie

 

I agree (mostly) with the others. There is no reason for her to have been mad at you.... or even if there was, she should (and probably will) realize that she should be willing to tolerate an occasional emotional outburst.

 

I've seen this happen in many breakups... and I can tell you that in a bit of time, she will likely realize she shouldn't have been so harsh with you... she'll come back sniffing around again... either to be friends, just for curiosity or perhaps to try again. There will be very little way to distinguish what her intentions are, so you'll have to hold your emotions in check and wait for her to reveal her true intentions.

 

Until then, she is just using you and stringing you along while she is confused. You DON'T need that. I can almost guarantee you that if you allow her to do that, this relationship will NEVER be saved because: 1) she won't respect you, and 2) you'll grow to realize the unfair treatment and may resent her for it.

 

I DEFINITELY do not think you should be friends with this girl. You aren't ready for that... and she probably isn't either.

 

So... what do I think you should do? Well to me it doesn't sound like you have anything to apologize for... you told her your feelings, that's all. It isn't like you called her up and screamed at her. Instead, she told you to F off.

 

I think you should do exactly that. She asked you to... give her the medicine she asked for. She'll likely realize very soon that she doesn't want that to happen... that she is sorry for saying it.... who knows, if she starts to realize that she doesn't always say what is truly in her heart, she may come to doubt the decision to break up with you in the first place.

 

But in the meantime, the ABSOLUTE MUST, is that you get some distance from her... that you grieve her loss... that you heal... that you stop taking all the blame for what happened, and that you move on and get healthy again.

 

Build your pride back up to the point where you'd at least have to think long and hard about even taking her back. That shows strength and independence.... and guess what? That's pretty much the only time when you can be truly ready for "the one", when you are strong enough, secure enough, and happy enough to trust someone else with your heart.

 

Hopefully when you get to that point, she'll have gotten over her confusion and need to *TAKE* from you, and will be ready to *GIVE* as well. If not, the new, reborn you will ATTRACT someone else who will be able to sustain the happiness (not make you happy, but keep you happy) you've just created inside yourself.

 

Good luck... this is going to be an interesting ride!

[h_b_k_02]

Similar to my situation, but not as messy.

 

Start seeing someone else. Best way to make them panic and realize what they lost. If you don't, at least keep N/C. I am doing both. She knows I am seeing some else now, as is she, but I also told her that talking is too hard, the tension could be cut with a knife, and that she can call if and when she is ready to talk about us.

 

Put the pressure on them. Tell her to call you if and ready she wants to talk, or to not bother because it is impossible to be friends. If you go see someone else, even better. She may get jealous, wonder why she is jealous, and that will sometimes make people know that indeed they do love you and don't want to lose you to someone else.

[justsweetgirl]

You are not ready to be friends with your ex. I know you think something is better than nothing, but how will you feel when she starts talking about the new guy in her life? This is a painful position to be in. I think you should have no contact until you feel stronger.

[Cecelius]

There is no good that comes from being friends with an ex.

 

She dumped you, now she permits you to entertain her, when she feels like it. Now she wants you to be her special confidant when she doesn't have a boyfriend?

 

Keep no ill will toward her, but basically keep nothing toward her -- she went her way, you go yours.

 

Next.

[heloladies21]

Don't worry about it man, you didn't do anything wrong. But you are making a mistake by being her friend. Don't accept this consolation when you deserve the prize. If you want a relationship, then go out and get one. If she's not willing to provide it, find someone who will.

 

Do No Contact, go to the gym, get cool clothes, do work and school. Party and flirt with girls. You can do it man, but you have to play this game by the rules. Then you will win whether she wants you back or not.

[frankie2k]

Cheers for your advice guys, but maybe I'm making her sound like a witch. She's the best person I've ever met. I respect her more than anything in the world. There's a part of me that always clings onto hope - all through the break-up she was worried about me and kept checking to see if I was alright. Maybe I was trying too hard and just getting on her nerves. It just...shocked me to get a response like that. We never had conversations like that in the "old days"! I know it's slightly different but when we were going out she sent loads of drunken SMS's to me - long distance relationship and all...Maybe because I would react in a different way if the tables were turned. Surely there's a second chance for anything? Or am I just needlessly clinging to hope?

 

Bottom line is, we were great friends before all this happened. I don't want to ruin it. If I keep texting her then that'll jeopardise it. If I stop I know she'll start thinking more about me, but it runs the risk of the friendship fizzling and dying. I thought time had healed me, but for some reason the wounds have just opened again and all the emotions are flooding back. I...I just don't know what to think.

[h_b_k_02]

I understand you guys were friends and all before the breakup, but sometimes friendships such as these can be impossible, because the pain and feelings may never go away if you don't separate yourself from it.

 

Step away from it all for a while. Give you and her some time to give some serious head shaking and she will call you if she still cares.