Help! Confused! Might break up because of lack of fights

[here2day]

I've been dating this girl for over two years. We have a lot of fun together. We enjoy many of the same things. I care a lot about her but there are many problems in our relationship. She is bipolar, we very rarely have sex (she has been through a lot in her lifetime and has been tramatized by sex in the past), she sometimes cuts (not so much lately) and well, she likes to fight. I, however, do not like to fight. Sometimes I don't tell her when I am angry in order to try to keep the peace except when she ditches me for her friends.

 

Yesterday she told me she doesn't know what she wants. She said that we can't have a healthy relationship because I don't tell her when I'm angry all of the time in order to avoid a fight with her...fights with her are often irrational and make no sense. I'm in college. I write for a newspaper, I'm stable, I'm sweet, and I'm sure many people would be happy with someone who doesn't like to fight.

 

We once lived together but she refused to get a job so I was working full time, going to school full time, cooking, and always coming home to a messy house. I moved out. She said she felt abandoned. She always says she is going to go to college but never goes. Since her mom died of cancer when she was younger she could go to college for free..not that money for college replaces a parent. I do love her and I care about her..but is this ever going to go anywhere? We really might break up because of our lack of fights but I don't know how I'm going to react afterwards. She is my best friend. Does anyone have any ideas how I could handle each problem? I don't understand her at all.

[passions1]

It's clear that she wants you to open your emotions up regardless if they're good or bad to her. Holding it in can be just as bad just as fighting as well, b/c the partner feels out of loop & would like to see what the person both the good, bad & ugly. But fighting is not necessarily bad, in the sense if it's just bickering & allows the other side to show that you do care by showing that you do get upset or mad within reason. I've heard of stories including my bf, who makes the comment of "misery loves company" in terms of knowing that a person loves you unconditionally. But of course if the fighting doesn't improve the relationship, then it's pointless.

[DN]

If she likes to fight and you don't then the chances are you are incompatible and the relationship will not work. It seems she has a lot of issues and unless she sees someone professionally to get them sorted out my advice is to distance yourself. sometimes peoples problems are too intense for a partner to either help with or handle on a personal level. You should talk with her and urge her to get help - if she will not then you should evaluate your own position.

[temperamental_taurus]

I am not a therapist, but it sounds like she could benefit from one. This cycle will continue unless someone breaks it. Where SOME fighting is normal in a relationship, having to fight ALL the time is not. And there are healthy ways to have a disagreement. Trust me, loving someone isn't enough to help them. And sometimes change can only occur when they are on their own. There are obviously deep emotional issues from past sexual abuse, her mother passing away... encourage her to see someone and ask yourself, is this how YOU want to be treated - if you were honest with yourself I bet the answer would be no.

[here2day]

She has been seeing a therapist since we first met each other and for years before that. I even tried to see a therapist once before I moved out of the apartment. She was cutting a lot then and I was unsure of how to deal with everything going on. She used to take about $1,000 in pills a month for her disorder but lost her insurance and now is unable to afford the medication. She seems to be better without it though.

 

I love her but I think everything just might be too much for me to handle. Sometimes the thought of a life with her scares me. I'm just not sure if things are going to get better but I'm torn with the hope that things will.

[kere]

WOW, you are in a very difficult situation. I am sure you care for your gf very much and wants what is best for her.....but what about what is best for you???? Sometimes love just isn't enough...sad but true!!!!!!!!!!

 

I don't want to sound unsypathetic and hurtfull but sometimes what works in a situation like this is some tough loving!!!!!! You deserve a healthy loving relationship the thrives on good communication, openness, honestly and possibilities...right????...is that what your getting out of this relationship??? what does she want out of this relationship???where is it going??? is she happy???r u happy????

 

Have a serious talk with her....eigther she wakes up and get some help or your out!!!!! I know u care for her and want to help...nothing wrong with that but she has to want the help, she has to want to chance. she she wants this relationship to work she has to be willing to put in some work!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know it sounds hard but you have to take controll of your life and your relationships. You have to know what is not working and when to move on.

 

Good luck

 

Kere