how far can my boyfriend go with other girls?

[barbara1234]

Last week it was my boyfriend and I's one year anniversary. He took me to a really nice restaurant and was so affection. For the past few months he has been telling me how much he loves me and that I have changed him. He tells me that he wants to marry me and be with me forever.

So, there is this girl. She is one of his best friends but this girl seems to be the centre of every conflict. We would fight and argue because not a day would go by that he wasn't talking to her on some form of social media,sometimes instead of me.Then she posted a photo joking about the two of us on my wall.I dont even know this girl and she was implying that I was a puppet on my boyfriends finger in this photo.He agrees to stop talking to her 24/7 and we have been much happier.

Then I see that they are messaging on whatsapp two days ago and he was talking to her on snapchat messenger, despite lying about it. I take his phone to check if there is anything weird (I know it was wrong haha) to find out how he talks about other girls. I discover his male whatsapp group full of screenshots of younger women wearing clothes that barely cover their body and sexual comments. They are all 23,the boys, or older. My boyfriend commented on one of these photos, "Im never going to be good enough for her", I think I will have to block her on facebook". I immediately burst into tears and didnt believe that this is the same guy that tells me he loves me every day. Then I discover another message referring to an instagram famous fitspo, "she's in my top subscriptions on youtube, but she won't be anymore is she stops wearing anything but low cut tops". I immediately wanted nothing to do with him as these girls were all girls my age and girls who I know by association. I am so hurt, I feel as though he has cheated on me.

When he walked in on me crying he gave out to me for going on his phone and paid no attention to me, through my tears he told me that prince charming doesn't exist and that he was only joking and it meant nothing. I have met prince charming before and I took him for granted..silly me.I need help, I told him that I cant talk to him and he told me to let him know if I am breaking up. I dont know what to do, it was just the icing on the cake as he can often be a compulsive liar and controlling of me. I still love him so much for the good things he does but I dont know if it is enough anymore. Has anyone experienced this before and should I leave him or stay with him?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you both sound young and learning. He shouldn't be flirting/inappropriate and you shouldn't be snooping through and patrolling his phone.

 

The comments with the other guys about attractive girls are silly and immature but he's right, there are no Disney princes. You are pouting and giving him the silent treatment. Ok but if you want to end it over stupid remarks, then do so.

 

Guys will notice and comment on women, it happens. But if it's the end of your Disneyland, you may need to mature and mellow and chill a bit also

They are all 23. When he walked in on me crying he gave out to me for going on his phone and paid no attention to me, through my tears he told me that prince charming doesn't exist and that he was only joking and it meant nothing. I told him that I cant talk to him and he told me to let him know if I am breaking up.

[jujusamples]

First, I don't understand why you know that it's wrong to check through his phone and find it funny? Hence, "haha" right after your comment. To make it clear, it is wrong and it's not funny! I would actually leave someone immediately if they can't seem to trust me to the point where they are invading my privacy. Another thing wrong with going through someone's phone is exactly... this!

 

He has been friends with that girl before he met you, YOU DO NOT have any right to tell him whom he can and CAN NOT talk to. It is wrong in so many levels and yet controlling. Yet, you said he's controlling of you? How?

 

Looking at pictures of girls on social media and commenting on them is not cheating. It's wrong, yes, but it's not that extreme. It is just immaturity on your boyfriend's end and you could just simply let him know it bothers you. If it's a deal breaker for you, then yes, break up with him.

 

You also appear very insecure and it's something I believe you need to work on. When your boyfriend tried to talk to you, you sat there and thought of how you "once has met prince charming" but you messed up, I'm assuming an ex? It is not normal behavior. I really suggest you talking to a therapist regarding your insecurity and jealousy issues. It is at the point where it's impacting your thinking and your relationships.

 

I don't see your relationship working out for the long haul, you two are incompatible.

[Nikego]

There ARE Disney Princes girl! I know a few great guys with great girls at their side, but they get taken fast. Barbara im so so so sorry you landed yourself a dud. Keep your chin up!

[ParisPaulette]

how far can my boyfriend go with other girls?

 

If you have to ask this question then I'm pretty sure you know the answer. Someone who is serious about being in a committed monogamous relationship has no need to make their partner question "how far" they can go with other girls. Or men. Or aliens. Or anything for that matter.

 

If your boyfriend has girl friends who he treats exactly like his guy friends then that's one thing. No worries if he's introducing these women to you, you all hang out, there's no hanky panky or flirting or touchy feely going on and you feel every bit as secure with them as you do his guy friends. But what you describe? I would dump the guy is a hot second honestly.

 

Another good yardstick by which to measure if something is okay with you - not them, but you since it's your reality and your life - is this: would you do that to them with someone of the opposite sex? Bottom line, would or do you treat men the way he treats other women. Yes or no?

 

There's your answer. It's also the answer for whether or not you're wasting your time in a toxic relationship when you could be finding someone with the same boundaries and standards you have.

 

P.S. The main reason I'm telling you to dump the guy is not because of his looking at other women - it's the disturbing comments where he seems to see women as objects coupled with a lack of empathy or any real caring about you. And one other thing, if you have to go snooping to find out what's going on with them, it's pretty much over anyways and you should dump them and find someone who makes you happy and not insecure or upset anyways.

[barbara1234]

I really appreciate this. I am reading through everyones replies and I think that I almost wanted people to tell me to stay with him, that there was some hope left but I think I agree most with what your quote is getting at.

I do know that I can get paranoid but it only started with that other girl and I have tried to surpress it for so long. I had this guy that was talking to me for a while and we were involved before but I kept telling him that it would never happen and that he had to move on, as soon as I told my boyfriend about it he told me to never tlak to him again.

It's just getting over the shock of it all that is the hardest, we are on a break now and we will talk in a while but I really thank you for your help and I will try and update on how he deals with it. Men are interesting to say the least hahaha

[barbara1234]

thank you for your comment, I decided to make this thread because I dont know really if I am being overly dramatic or not. In my situation, what would you suggest doing? I told him we are on a break for a few days until we can talk normally again but from there I dont know where I should go.

[barbara1234]

@jujusamples, I know that I was wrong to look through his phone and I admit that it will never happen again. To expand on this, my boyfriend has probably looked through my phone about five times now so I dodnt think I was majorly wrong.

 

to explain why I didnt want him talking to her had a lot to do with the fatc that she insulted our relationship publicly on facebook. I feel like hes in controlling becuase he has made me do certain things in the past that I follow through on and that he wont do the same. A past lover of mine was messaging me and telling me that he wanted to make it work, it was long distance and never really became anything properly. When I got a boyfriend he started messaging me and I told him he had to move on over and over, I told my boyfriend about it and he told me to never talk to him again and made me promise on it.

 

I feel like yes I must be insecure and you are right, I am not sure if it is my insecurity that is getting the better of me or the fact that he has made me really hurt. I think I need to focus on myself right now and avoid being damaged. I appreciate you opinion and it has certainly opened up a different side.

[barbara1234]

@Paris Paulette thank you. I think you are right, maybe back in the first week that week went out I may have commented to my girlfiends about guys who we always thought were hot but certainly not in that way, it would only be like "he is very hot", however when we actually got serious and became boyfriend and girlfriend I never ever would even look at another guy in that way. I couldnt be paid to write what he did. So yes, our priorities are in different places.

 

I think you are so right about the objectifying women that is scary, he claims it is normal behaviour but it really isn't. In addition to thefatc that he still won't apologise to me now, without me forcing one out of him. I think for once I need to think of myself, this behaviour first started seven months ago when we were looking at our photos from Paris and I saw multiple screenshots of other girls on his phone that he had taken. I am really grateful for your advice and you have really helped me!