Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I was with a man for 7 years. Told me he was divorced as did his family. Being Asian, at some point they brought the daughter in law back and he obviously accepted her back and decided not to tell me. Now his brother told me about this recently but said they don't get on, which he has always upheld. But recently I found out he got drunk and slept with her. She got pregnant and he still didn't tell me! I found out a few weeks ago that she had the kid. He says il leave them and I want to marry you but I don't want a liar and a man I can't trust! However, I am so angry at him because I was there for him when no one else was, I supported him and helped him through his hard times and he lied and lied. I changed my number and didn't contact him for a week but I fell off the wagon and spoke to him. I am smart, successful, come from a supportive loving family. He is a b** but I can't seem to forget about the situation and move forward with my life as he is doing!! I keep feeling like he stole my best years and led me on and that thought is driving me crazy! Please help as my friends are sick of hearing about it I think! Link to comment
Knight2001 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 go NC and move on. you know you deserve better. i guess your friends and family know you deserve better. you know why everyone knows this? because you do. look forward and leave this man out of your future Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 go NC and move on. you know you deserve better. i guess your friends and family know you deserve better. you know why everyone knows this? because you do. look forward and leave this man out of your future I even know I do deserve better. He was never the man I wanted him to be. But what hurts is he always said he would never have her back yet he's gone back and probably has been there with her all along. That thought makes me want to go mad at him. I wake up early in the morning and the thought goes around and around in my head. I was always too good for him so why does he get to do this then walk back into a pathetic life? I know that she knows about me and he used to have lots of arguments at home as his family did not accept me but now I feel as though the joke is on me! And that makes me so sad! Link to comment
jujusamples Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 So sorry to hear you are going through this! My advice is to go N/C and work on yourself. I think talking to a therapist will help you a great deal. This is too much for you to try to absorb on your own. I believe in your situation, with the help of a therapist, you will be able to overcome this. You really need to let go of this man, he's no good for you. Look at the mess he's in and the mess he got you into. You deserve better and you won't be able to have better until you let go of this man. He has a child with his ex wife, he needs to take responsibility, not leave them. What does that tell you about him? Do you actually want to marry someone whom is capable of just leaving his wife and kids? It's a huge "red flag". He's a scumbag! Ditch him. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Thank you for your response! I can't blame anyone but him for the situation he has put me in because as I explained to him, his family and ex had no loyalties to me and this is what they all wanted anyway. He was meant to be the one who loved me yet managed to "'mess up" I was always so sensible and I feel awful now! So low about myself. Can't just seem to switch off. I feel as though they are all laughing at me! Sorry going on and on but like I said I don't think my friends really want to hear me go on anymore! And my family always said he was no good for me. No job no money no ambition and I always said I was with him for his honesty and his heart but he's a liar with a tainted heart so that leaves nothing! Why can't I just think fine if that's his life let him have it??? Link to comment
jujusamples Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Thank you for your response! I can't blame anyone but him for the situation he has put me in because as I explained to him, his family and ex had no loyalties to me and this is what they all wanted anyway. He was meant to be the one who loved me yet managed to "'mess up" I was always so sensible and I feel awful now! So low about myself. Can't just seem to switch off. I feel as though they are all laughing at me! Sorry going on and on but like I said I don't think my friends really want to hear me go on anymore! And my family always said he was no good for me. No job no money no ambition and I always said I was with him for his honesty and his heart but he's a liar with a tainted heart so that leaves nothing! Why can't I just think fine if that's his life let him have it??? Like I told you in the earlier response! You need to talk to a therapist regarding this. You are going to drive yourself insane thinking of all this over and over again. I'm pretty sure you realized, your friends are even sick of hearing it. Do realize that he DOES not have control over you and YOU DO NOT have control over him either. Just acknowledge that he's a liar and not someone whom you think he is. Acknowledged that it's a mistake, it's not too late too late to have a fresh start with someone new. Hanging on to figuring out "why" and "how", is just going to prolong you from moving on with your life. You have to let it go. It's hard, but you really have to try. Talking and thinking about it in loops is seriously going to drive you insane. Again, a therapist will help figure out a way to let it go. Probably not instantly, but will help you think differently. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Thank you. I guess you are right. I am just struggling immensely.😞 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Was this long distance? How did he keep a wife and kid hidden for so long? Was this an arranged marriage for him? Was the wife and family back in his home country? Yes stay no contact and delete and block him. It's good you cut your losses after finding this out. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Was this long distance? How did he keep a wife and kid hidden for so long? Was this an arranged marriage for him? Was the wife and family back in his home country? Yes stay no contact and delete and block him. It's good you cut your losses after finding this out. It wasn't long distance but he had a habit of disappearing every few weeks for a good few days. Ultimately I thought he's loyalties lay with me as I have been through so much in life I didn't think he would be so low! He took me to meet his stepmum and it was only when I went again on my own that she told me that you do know he hasn't divorced her and she's pregnant! I then confronted him and he said I did send off the divorce papers and I was drunk when she got pregnant but Iv divorced her since and funnily enough he is back there now which is making me even more angry! Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 And yes arranged marriage. They don't get on but the woman he is married to is happy with a roof over her head and children. No one really cares what else he does. Drink substance abuse which he kept hidden from me until all this came out 😞 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Ok then that explains it. She is there to be a wife, make babies, etc. and he's there to support her be the husband father, etc.. Perhaps affairs are overlooked for this reason in his culture.And yes arranged marriage. They don't get on but the woman he is married to is happy with a roof over her head and children. No one really cares what else he does. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Sadly he doesn't even support very well but yes baby machines and the women are just happy with a child for distraction. Makes me sick that I didn't c this first! But didn't think he could be so calculating! I am from the same culture but I have a career and standards and I believe in honesty which is why when he would swear to God and on his mum that he is being truthful, I believed him even though my gut feeling said other things! Any ideas as to how I can switch off and not let the thought that he's with her affect me???? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Keep saying to yourself "He lied and he's married and I'm done with that". I believed him even though my gut feeling said other things! Any ideas as to how I can switch off and not let the thought that he's with her affect me???? Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Keep saying to yourself "He lied and he's married and I'm done with that". You are indeed a wiseman just what I need in my life right now lol. But how do I get over the feeling that he in essence screwed me over???? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 How much more of your life will you allow this man to steal from you? Don't you think he has done enough and it's beyond time for you to move forward? For your sake. I mean I get your sense of fear, rage, betrayal, all of it. I get it. However, YOU get to choose how long you allow this to destroy you and when you release it and go get yourself a life and a relationship that you want. If that means talking to a therapist, do it. If that means getting up at 5am to go for a jog to burn off your anger before you start your day, do it. If that means treating yourself to a spa vacation, do it. Do what YOU need to do to move forward for yourself. You've earned it. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Thank you so much! There are people who care then! Yes planning a spa day! And definitely do need an outlet for my anger! First thing in the mornings as when I wake at six am that's when I feel the worst! I lie in bed and just analyse things in my head over and over! Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 And to add to it, I am always there for everyone in their times of need but I notice that others only bother when they need something. Not good to feel that way when you come out of a long term relationship. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 And to add to it, I am always there for everyone in their times of need but I notice that others only bother when they need something. Not good to feel that way when you come out of a long term relationship. We are here for you when you need to vent. Also, some people are really good at helping deal with distress, others suck at it. Sometimes, it's harder to talk to friends and get the support that you need because of the underlying dynamics. That doesn't make your friends bad people.....it's probably why sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers. Strangers are more neutral and less invested and often can hear you better because their view isn't tainted by things like "well she is really strong, she can handle this." When you are always the rock they lean on, it's really hard for people to grasp that you actually need help, even scary to them that their rock might be crumbling. Anyway, be sure to be good to yourself, be kind to yourself and treat yourself. Hugs. Link to comment
Heart of gold Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Thank you DancingFool. Just came across this site by chance but it has helped me so mch today. The advice and seeing that I'm not the only one in a crappy situation. I think my friends are thinking just get over it! But easier said than done! But everyone has got their own lives I guess and I don't want to bombard them with my same issues on loop. I think il be relying quite heavily on you guys on here now lol. Link to comment
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