constant fighting with girlfriend after moving in

[1617]

Sorry if this post is ty, I typed most of this post on my phone.

 

 

This past month I moved into a new apartment and my girlfriend moved in with me. Previously we had separate places but I was spending 5-7 nights at her place for the last 3 months and the ones I didn't she spent at mine.

 

 

The week before we moved in we had a huge fight about how I wasn't being reassuring enough in wanting to move in with her but I assured her I wanted to, that's why I had found a new place and started making all the arrangements like setting up the utilities and packing things etc.

The first week after moving was crunch time at work and I was working 10-12 hour shifts so I didn't do a great job of coming back and making a home. We agreed not to unpack all of our clothes until we got a dresser, but before that could happen things blew up and we had a huge fight about how she felt I was just waiting to leave by not unpacking.

 

 

A week later we were supposed to see a movie and I wasn't excited about it but I knew she was so I still made all the plans and stuff and then accidentally said I didn't want to go and ruined it all. But apparently she feels like she can't invite me to anything because even if I agree to go she's guilty because I'm not excited about it and it turned into another big fight about how she deserves someone who is excited about the art museum and dancing etc ande told me moving in was a huge mistake. I thought we talked about it an everything was ok for a while then she just completely shut down and told me she was going to bed and wouldn't talk to me anymore. The she got up and started getting ready, and wouldn't talk to me until telling me she was leaving to get breakfast then meet her mom for lunch. I waiting for 20 minutes and figured she wasn't coming back to I ran to pick up my backpack with my retainer from work but on the way she called and was pissed because she had come back and I was gone. She just called me back again and was and told me that it wasn't fair when she had come back that I wasn't there and that she's packing up and moving out because she's 20 and should be having fun and not be miserable with me because I'm just being a huge ass hole and I never do anything wrong etc. I miss a call because I was in the elevator at work and she left me a voicemail calling me an ass hole and screamed at me for not answering my phone. I just called her back and she asked me to come back so we could talk but said she was still packing. We made up and thing were ok for a whole week.

 

 

Then 2 weekends ago I bough her suprise tickets to see the movie Saturday night and bought snacks etc and surprised her with it. We spent most of Saturday cuddling in bed and I was a little frustrated because we had talked about the errands I needed to do and I hadnt done them at 5 o'clock when I realized how late it was. Things blew up again and she was pissed because she felt like all of that dumb stuff was unimportant etc and that I was saying I had wasted my day with her. Again she's screaming st me that I'm an etc and that I don't appreciate her time and we understand up fighting pretty late again. In the morning she wakes up and says she's breaking up with me and keeps calling her mom to ask if she can to stay with her parents but she never picks up. She keeps telling me I'm ty and deserve to be alone etc I don't deserve her or appreciate her etc and so on. By the end I'm laying on the bed sobbing and she's packing but decides not to leave and starts apologizing and we make up again.

 

 

Then on Thursday I suggested going to a couples educational course for building a stronger relationship that's meant for newly Weds but She thought I was saying she needed therapy and thought I was giving up on us etc And said something to the effect that she's strong and if there was a problem she would figure it out on her own because therapy is for weak people etc. This crushed me because I have been doing CBT for OCD for almost a year now, which she knows. I had to work on Thursday and Thursday night I had a sleep study so I didn't go home that night but was still feeling down about what she had said. we talked about it last night and things were ok then today she gave me a hickey on my arm and I said I didn't like it and she shut down and then got upset saying I have double standards about affection because I blow on her face and lick her sometimes etc and then she wouldn't talk to me and kept saying everything is fine and she's not upset etc and told me to just go run my errands but she pulled away when I tried to hug her and kiss her forehead. When I came back she kept saying everything was fine but clearly didn't want to talk and sat on her computer in the other room. After a few minutes she comes and tells me she's leaving to go see a movie by herself and angrily tells me to have a good night. If I had done the same I know she would have gone ballistic but I told her to drive safe and enjoy her time. She comes back after about 15 minutes and tells me she's upset but doesn't even want to talk to me because I'm just going to attack her etc. We end up having another fight about how unappreciated she feels and how unimportant I make her feel, etc. I end up having an OCD spike and kind of shut down and again end up sobbing. We made up but I was still feeling hurt and down and then she gets upset with me for not immediately feeling better and we end up talking til around 2 or so and I thought things were resolved and I was falling asleep as we were talking so we went to bed. Sunday morning I wake up and she's upset that I wasn't able to be reassuring enough after the fight and she's upset that I went to sleep when things weren't 100% resolved. We end up having another argument and I tell her that I don't feel like she respects my time when she assumes and expects me to spend certain times with her without coordinating them with me first.

 

Then Sunday night she tells me she shuts down on me and tells me she's having a hard time letting go of things, which is frustrating given her expectation that I do so immediately. Monday morning she is pissed again but doesn't want to talk and leaves for class but comes back after a few minutes and we start arguing. She feels like she can't ask for time with me because I told her that she doesn't respect my time the argument continues and I end up feeling hopeless and sobbing again. We spent so long arguing that I ended up calling in sick to work

 

 

Every time we fight she tells me how unimportant and unappreciated she feels, which is frustrating because I go out of my way to do things to show my appreciation like picking up some of her chores, surprising her with dinner when she gets home, occasionally picking up flowers, surprising her with tickets etc. And she gets upset when I spend time away, we had a huge fight because I stopped at the gym before coming home when we had dinner plans which I was on time to. She says that even though I'm on time I'm choosing to be away from her because I spent the extra 40 minutes at the gym or running errands etc.

 

Please help me approach this constructively. After writing it all out I feel very hopeless and I feel crazy now too.

 

How can I approach the situation constructively? Am I crazy for putting up with this? How do I break the cycle?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she is looking for a tremendous amount of attention, reassurances and thought moving in would fix all that.

 

Instead the usual adjustment of living together took place and it's not the Disney romance she thought it would be.

 

She's very immature and has the expectations of teem more so than a young woman ready to live with a man. For now the best bet is reassurance because she does not function on logic. Also minimize and do not get sucked into drama.

 

Don't call in sick because she's having an "i need attention" meltdown. Simply reassure that after work you'll discuss everything. In fact given the teen like emotionalism, defer things until she cools down rather than get derailed.

[1617]

Unfortunately she is looking for a tremendous amount of attention, reassurances and thought moving in would fix all that.

 

Instead the usual adjustment of living together took place and it's not the Disney romance she thought it would be.

 

She's very immature and has the expectations of teem more so than a young woman ready to live with a man. For now the best bet is reassurance because she does not function on logic. Also minimize and do not get sucked into drama.

 

Don't call in sick because she's having an "i need attention" meltdown. Simply reassure that after work you'll discuss everything. In fact given the teen like emotionalism, defer things until she cools down rather than get derailed.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Last night she wanted to talk and told me that she read an article on unhealthy relationships and wanted to make more of an effort to make it feel like I can take the time to do things even if she would rather have spent it with me, so I am feeling more hopeful that things can improve. But on top of that, she needed more reassurance like you say and needed me to tell her that I do want a future with her etc.

 

I think that you're right and I could have done a better job of handling things... I think it's unrealistic to expect to resolve everything immediately, but I don't know how to convince her of that. Missing work adds to my stress and I feel like it takes away from my credibility as well.

 

The frequency of our fighting has scared me but she keeps telling me that fighting is normal and part of any healthy relationship, which I know is true, but I wonder if we're at the point where it isn't healthy any more.

[MissCanuck]

She is too immature for this type of relationship.

 

Quit enabling her tantrums. She needs to grow up.

[1617]

She is too immature for this type of relationship.

 

Quit enabling her tantrums. She needs to grow up.

 

How can I do so productively?

 

Posting from my phone again. So sorry if this is ty.

 

Last night We got dinner and picked up a Redbox on the way home but I asked if I could unpack really quick before we started the movie and she said ok. so I pack and then I was having problems getting the Chromecast to play the movie and then she was telling me what to do but I kept saying I tried it and it didn't work (I work in tech and am familiar with all of the basic troubleshooting steps). so I finally get it working and she says she doesn't want to talk because I interrupted date night and wasnt listening to her so she went to bed. Then she just got up and told me I was yelling at her so I said it may have come across that way I and Iwas sorry if it seemed that way but I was frustrated too and now she's more uspet because I "think I did nothing wrong". she wanted to talk but then just kept saying whatever and looking at her phone so I went back to the movie. Then she got pissed and came in here and took her laptop and slammed the door to the other bed room. This morning she woke up still mad but Insisted on driving me to the airport anyways.Everytime I tried to talk to her she would just reply with one word Then she said I wasn't talking to her because I was upset and I said that I wasn't but it seemed like she is.she kept saying everything was fine but it cleared wasn't so I asked and she snapped at me. then I thanked her for the ride said I love you etc and all she said was that's nice. she was mad about the movie because we had talked about another one but when we got there I asked which one and she said you pick whatever doesn't matter etc and I forgot about the one we had talked about. Instead of reminding me she just let me pick and then got mad

 

 

At this point I'm feeling pretty hopeless about our relationship because I do feel like she is being really immature and I don't know what to do.