Advice on my situation, can't find anything similar so I made a post

[sandy321]

Ok so i'll keep this concise and mention the relevant points of my relationship regarding my question.

 

In a relationship for about 1 year. We both said we loved each other, things were great...

Basically during the last 4 months of the relationship, my normal drinking escalated to the point of "problem" drinking. I'm not going to give excuses for myself but to paint a clearer picture, we moved to a new town where I knew absolutely noone and my drinking escalated and I suppose that I became more dependent on him at that point. Those two things led to our slow demise.

Not to mention, our communication skills as a couple were not the best looking back. I wish he just flat out would have told me "listen your drinking is unhealthy and it bothers me". But no, we never even mentioned it and our distance kept growing until finally the split.

 

So the last month he basically became completely emotionally distant,would be annoyed at me for the littlest things, would not touch me let alone sleep with me. I consider myself attractive and he was always all over me, but i guess i became truly "ugly" in his eyes. I, being panicked, was trying even harder and it was only pushing him away even more.

 

Finally I couldn't take feeling so put down and rejected physically and emotionally, so I asked "do you love me?" and he said I care for you deeply but i don't think i am in love with you anymore.

 

So I asked him to move out. So essentially he almost caused me to break up with him, but I think that was his intention. Cowardly, I know, but it goes back to our poor communication.

 

Now, I am heartbroken and looking back I have a better idea of where things went wrong during the last 4 months. Firstly, I have started weekly counseling and I am no longer drinking AT ALL. I want to better myself and I realize now I made it difficult to love me.

 

I still see him on an almost daily basis since we work together and that can't be avoided. However, from the resources I have read online, I have not acted desperate or sad or anything. I last told him "I'm doing something about the problem that drove us apart, for me, not in an attempt to get you back. But I do believe we are truly great for each other and that I want to prove through my actions I have changed and would eventually like to start a new relationship on new terms with you"

 

I have had a lot of time to reflect back on the mistakes I made in the relationship, as well as his (it's a two way street) and I am taking the steps to correct them. This is my first real relationship and unfortunately I have made mistakes that I need to learn the hard way.Now that he is gone, I see what I took for granted and it breaks my heart every single day.

 

So he knows my intentions, and I am trying to reestablish a friendship first. We have met up once or twice to either work out or do something related to a work project. But I can't tell if he is giving me a chance to prove myself and is just being guarded because he is hurt. Or is he just reluctantly hanging out with me out of pity? He knows I want him back, so I think he'd have to be pretty thick headed or just cruel to continue to hang out if he knew he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

I am human, a lot of things in the relationship should have been addressed before it got so sour. So I ask these things, is it possible for him to love me again once he sees how I am committed to becoming the person he fell in love with?

 

I know people say that once your broken up it's over forever. But I disagree.Cheating and physical abuse are not able to be recovered from, but I think aside from that, if the two people are willing to make real changes and work on themselves, then I do believe there is hope.

 

I greatly appreciate any and all advice.

[Miastar]

Hi! Sorry to hear about your situation

 

I am sort of similar - my problems and our lack of communication led to our demise.

 

I don't work with my ex but we currently live together until he moves out so I generally see him every day. I took am attempting a sort of friendship/friendlier atmosphere.

 

I too have started counselling and told my ex I acknowledged my role I played in the demise of the relationship and I'm getting help and making positive changes (which I actually started doing a week before he broke up with me)

 

I also don't feel like my ex sat down me said to me "this is getting out of hand and the severity of the situation is that I want to leave". He just left and I don't feel I got the opportunity to prove to myself and him that I can change.

 

My limits would be if the other person refused to accept and acknowledge their failings and refused to work on them. Well you and I are doing this, so why don't they want to give it a shot?

 

I hope you are doing okay. I guess the logical advice I would give to us both is - move on and focus solely on ourselves and recovery. But it's so hard not to factor the other person in too when I know it could work