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Stressful relationship.. am I going crazy?


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I have been dating my boyfriend since January 2016, so a little over a year. I started dating him soon after getting divorced. I warned him that I was likely not ready, and sort of fought it, but ultimately gave in and gave it a shot because I have been friends with this person for YEARS and we have never been single at the same time, so I guess I let that win. The issue is that I was obviously still grieving my divorce. There were times that I was upset with myself thinking I might still be in love with my ex. The truth of the matter is that I was going through the normal stages of grief. However I was feeling very guilty about it because I was in a new relationship. There were times I even compared him directly to my ex by saying things like "___ would have handled that" or things of that nature. I had also recently lost both of my grandparents and been named executor of their will. I was in a hell of a spot emotionally and it was NOT a good time to start a relationship... but we did. He assured me all the time that he loved me, we were soul mates, and he understood and tried his best to be supportive.


When you have anxiety/depression issues (and I do).. you can be mean. I was not the most affectionate. I was reclusive and isolated myself... and well.. acted generally depressed. It got bad, I can't lie. Not wanting to get out of bed, barely showering etc. I also was messing with my medication during this time. Another thing producing mood swings. Anyways, I say all this to explain the rocky start out of the relationship. But with time... I would say at least 6 months in... I felt good about us. He had dealt with all my depressive states, angry states, you name it.


He moved in with me at about the 6 month mark. I felt somewhat invaded and I let him know that. All the typical first living together issues took place. Another rocky time. But we made it through all that.


Then October rolls around. I find a video of a girl showering on his phone.. That he took. I had his phone at a wedding we attended and I took a photo of myself on it thinking how it would be cute for him to find that photo later on. When I went to look at the photo... I found that video. When confronted... he didn't deny it (how can you?) but once we got home that night, I was LIVID. I packed all his crap and piled it in the living room and told him to get out. That's when he started throwing all this stuff at me that I had done that was "so much worse" than what he did. He claimed that video was taken as a joke.. and there were other guys present. First of all, that's a sick joke. Second, I never heard any other person's voice. At all. The phone died and I actually never finished the video, so who knows how it ended. But all I had seen was him basically hitting on her, saying how hot she was, and telling her not to hide herself and basically being like "damn girl". By the way... not that this is relevant.. but she was not even remotely attractive. It creeped me out. Anyways back to his reaction.. which was.... him turning everything on me and saying he found some video on my phone months prior (never had I heard this before and had no idea what he was referencing AND he wouldnt tell me).... he told me that I talk to my male friends inappropriate... he told me a few other supposed things I had done. I was in shock... never having been clued in to ANY of this prior. I was under the impression every thing was fine. In fact the things he was bringing up that I had supposedly done happened MONTHS prior, before he even moved in with me. So to me, just seemed like he needed something against me to make his actions okay.


He never moved out... don't even remember how we "resolved" this. Fast forward to January. He leaves his phone at home. I decided to look and see who he follows on snapchat... bc he has made comments about following celebrities on there. I was curious who. Looked.... nothing but nude/porn people that he follows. And his gallery was filled with screen shots of naked girls. And among those.. a few pics of girls faces that he actually knows, that he screen shotted as well. Again, this creeped me out. THEN I FOUND TINDER. Messaging girls... from the VERY beginning of our relationship, here and there. Some months more active than others. When I told him about this... he first claimed he was just looking for friends, for pot hookups, etc. I was naturally insulted that he thought I would believe that. And I was again reminded that he "got on tinder because I had already disrespected the relationship by talking to my male friends in a way he deemed inappropriate" (saying I miss you, a few jokes of sexual nature etc). If he had issues with those things... TALK TO ME. Dont go get on Tinder. I just dont get that at all. The way I see it... you have a problem... if you choose to say nothing and carry on like all is well.. then you have accepted it. You cant hold on to something until you need it. It just seemed like a cop out.


After all this, I started speaking up to friends. Mine, and some of our mutual. And no of course it was rarely in a positive light. It was me asking if I was going crazy.. if this was acceptable.. what I should do... and asking the mutual friends what the hell is going on with him? I didnt think he was like this etc. And yes.... as time went on... I was not talking great about him. There was nothing good to say during all that time. All our "talks" were screaming matches for a while. He talks over me, YELLS, calls me names. And then he says that I don't let him talk, that I yell, that I interrupt, and that I am impossible to talk to. This man PACES and YELLS when he talks. I sit or lay in the bed. I am def not the aggressor. I have, however, reacted.. yelled back and one time I even flipped this table I own out of frustration, shattering glass every where.


There were two months that went by.. me waiting for him to talk to me about all this and figure out what we were doing. He said he wanted to talk during spring break (he is a college student). He claims he told me this from the beginning... I certainly dont remember it and would not have agreed to wait TWO months to speak. That's insane. So for two months I was going crazy. During that time... I had changed my relationship status on FB to private so that nothing showed to anyone but me... and I removed a lot of our pics from FB. I was hurt. No other reason. And looking at our pics together bothered me. It was not for show or to alert anyone I was single. I didn't consider myself single.. I didn't know what I was. He wasnt talking to me. His response to discovering I had "no relationship info to show" was proceeding to change his to SINGLE and PUBLIC. When I saw this... I was upset. He claims it was in response to what I had done and that it was the same thing. I went off on him. I said... Can you just put it private like mine, and show nothing, until we figure this out? He didn't, and still to this day, has not made that change for me. His ex gf requested him as a friend during this time. I personally think she saw that he was single.. and requested him. He seems to not think so. And he accepted. To me.. that felt intentional. He claims it was not, and he "Doesn't see a difference between how I have mine shown, and how he does". Its very different. I am not advertising myself as single and adding exes.


Also, he is still on tinder. Or at least he has not removed his profile. I can't say whether or not he is actively messaging people.


Last night we finally got to talking about all this. He admits he was on tinder, he did meet up with ONE person and it was to get pot, and they smoked together. Sorry -- but that's weird to me. I actually believe it... but still find it very weird. He would not be okay with me doing this.


The issue is that I am not even allowed to JOKE with existing guy friends. I can't tell them I miss them. But he can do all of the above.


He took my phone one day and read all my messages. So he read all that I have talked about our relationship to other people. He says that I bashed him to everyone, ruined his reputation, and ruined several of this friendships. It's true that I did reach out to several women that he was messaging with. I just wanted to know if they had met up etc.


Honestly, all I see that I have done wrong here is... 1) Be unsure of us in the beginning due to my circumstances (divorce, grief, depression etc). 2) Compare him to ex 3) be mean to him / make him feel unwelcome when he first moved in during that adjustment phase 4) As far as the male friends go... I had no intentions with any of them.. ever... but I guess I shouldn't have joked so much? That's still a weird area for me bc I don't feel I did anything to disrespect him during these interactions. And any points he did make that I could see, I did apologize for. But honestly it was minor.


He has hung out with female friends and LIED TO ME about it. I had to find messages to prove he was lying or I never would have known. I have never done that. Everything he does... he seems to worry that I am doing. And for a while I was so confused. But now that I know he is doing these things.. I guess that's why he was suspicious. I dont meet up with people and not tell him, I was not on tinder, I was not messaging trying to hang out with guy friends without his knowledge (and btw he was also messaging girls saying he missed them.. but I guess that's okay for him to do?)


He still to this day says that what I did to him was the same or worse than what he has done. And I just cannot see how. Am I missing something?


I was convinced at one point he was a sociopath. I am still honestly not sure. He seems to genuinely believe that I have done something terrible to him that's comparable to all I have endured from him.

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It's not important that he can see what he has done wrong.


The critical factor is that he does wrong, and he doesn't care. He's clearly not in love with you and he doesn't respect you.


Keeping tally on who is more wrong is pointless. Just get out and end this toxic mess.

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