New relationship, old scars and anxiety

[Vossen1876]

I’ve recently started a new relationship with someone, she’s wonderful and makes me incredibly happy and I want to be able to spend a long time with her….but certain issues from my past are affecting me and I don’t know how to tackle them.

 

Before meeting my new girlfriend, I was in a relationship for 4 years with someone I met at University. My ex, was also prone to bouts of anxiety and sometimes we would fight, but with the benefit of hindsight I can see this is a relationship that i’m glad I’m not a part of anymore. But what has left a lasting scar for me is the manner of how it ended…

 

She started to become very distant, protective of her phone and spending time with work colleagues more. Soon enough, I found out she was having a fling with her 35 year old line manager. We broke up and she began sleeping with him, her line manager then ditched her and she tried to heal our relationship. Needless to say it broke my heart and it’s taken a good year and a bit to heal, the year was largely spent drinking and feeling like I meant nothing.

 

My new girlfriend is a refreshing change, she’s kind, she’s sweet and so much fun to spend time with but recently something cropped up that’s upset me and caused me to feel really anxious.

 

My girlfriend works at a pub and I was being introduced to a number of her friends, I was introduced to a tall (6′7) lad who seemed to find me being there a little awkward. I didn’t think much of it at the time, though I did notice a few people in the group looked a little uncomfortable.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I was away in Ireland meeting her friends and family, I was having lunch with her and one of her best mates and for a bit of fun my girlfriend’s mate decided to do a faux fortune teller drawing. In the drawing, she referred to the tall guy jokingly as “the devil” which immediately made me think something had happened between him and my girlfriend. Later at a bar, it cropped up again and I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack. Noticing i was a bit distressed, she explained that her and him had slept together one time. She explained she’d wanted to tell me because there is the off chance i’ll bump into him at the pub and she was concerned he might mention something when speaking to me. They apparently used to be good friends then they slept with each other but since then they’ve gone back to being friends.

 

I guess I have my concerns she loves me but still harbours feelings for him too, another time I’d met her and another of her mates for a dinner. I’d caught up with them later as I’d been working, but previously her and her mate had gone to the pub where the tall guy was, kissing a girl at the bar. When i’d met her later that night for dinner with her mate, she had seemed a little distant and quiet.

 

Last night, we were on the sofa and I noticed she was one her phone sending him messages on Facebook. I began to have another mild anxiety attack, my leg shook and immediately she understood that she may have touched a nerve.

 

We talked about it and she assured me there’s nothing there, that she loves me and she’s been really happy with me.

 

I really love her but i’m tired of having my anxiety, depression and insecurities affect me and make me overthink just about everything. I’m 6′0 so i’m a good height but even he towers above me and he’s also very handsome and a bit of a ladies man, I guess I find him a bit of a threat.

 

What can I do to help my anxiety and do i have actually anything to worry about?

 

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[Smitty921]

You have to think of you as being the threat to him. If you show a lack of confidence and get all anxious whenever the subject of "him" is brought up, then I promise It will end up being a turn off to her. Nothing will turn a girl off quicker than being intimidated by another guy. And thats because it displays a lack of confidence. I totally understand the humiliation of your ex leaving you for someone else. Ive been there bro. I know from experience how bad it sucks. But you have to convince yourself that it was her own insecurities that led to that and that it was not your fault.

Be confident man. There is nothing that turns a girl on more than that. If you convince yourself that this guy is NOT a threat and show her that you aren't the least bit bothered by her interactions with him, I promise that she will want you more. And don't "tell her" you aren't bothered by it. Show her. And the way you do that is through your body language; the way you carry yourself. Next time he is brought up, sit there like he is the furthest worry from your mind. Better yet, grab her up and get physical with her (romantically of course). You are the top dog bro. Who is with her right now? You are dammit! This guy is just some dude. And when you see him, don't be threatened by him. Be cool with him. Show even him that you aren't the least bit threatened by him. I promise ya, if you show either one of them weakness, they will move in for the kill.

[gebaird]

There's a term for what you are experiencing: betrayal trauma. Your new girl may be completely innocent, but these triggers are a sign you haven't healed from the past. If you continue as you are, you may inadvertently push her away because of your insecurity (which can cause you to create the very scenario you most fear). People tend to find what they focus on in life. Focusing on the joy and wonder of being with someone will help you have a very different experience than focusing on the fear of losing them.

 

I'd recommend therapy, if that's an option for you. I think you could also have a conversation about boundaries with your girl, helping her understand your past and why texting a guy she's slept with is an issue. Just recognize that there is a lot you can do to help yourself heal regardless of her choices.

[Waraqqa]

Well, it doesn't seem like there is anything going on between them anymore, even if there was a one night they shared in the past - the past before she met you. Past is past, we all have it.

Just to be clear, how long ago did that night between them happen? Was it a while or recent? And how long have you and she been together now?

 

I can relate to past wounds affecting present. In my case, my insecurity was related to being used and abandoned, not cheating. But it was also really difficult to distinguish whether it was my "instinct" or just knee-jerk reactions to what I perceived was happening to me again. In the end, it ended up being the latter. The new guy was fine. However, during few times when I was convinced that it was the old thing happening again, I let the past feelings cloud my judgement and said a lot of stupid things to him. They hurt him needlessly and left a scar.

 

So, - if I understand correctly - I know what it can be like, that senseless anxiety, the "what if", forgetting that she is a new person, not your ex. But until and unless a person gives you a clear reason to doubt them, - don't. She shouldn't be punished for what happened to you before. Moreover, you'll look insecure and like a fool (as I did in my case). Not only is it unpleasant, it can also hurt the other's feelings.

 

I also have an old friend who is married, and his wife is so jealous and suspicious all the time, he doesn't know how to convince her that he is faithful (which he very much is). It really made him miserable and frustrated at times, always accused and suspected. He is afraid to talk to any females. And they are married already with kids. If such things happen in a fresh relationship, it can be even harder to keep it together.

 

Think about it: if your worst fear happens, it will happen anyway. There is nothing anyone can do to contol another person or to control life. But IF it happens, at least you won't have contributed by being distrustful and driving her away. And you'll be more dignified for it. And the more likely - if it doesn't happen, then you'll feel good about yourself that you got through your anxiety and didn't let the darkness from the past wound damage something good in the present.

 

Right now, this suspicion and the resulting anxiety is in your head. So, it is not reality and not real. Try to treat it as some foreign entity. You don't have to deny your anxiety - sometimes suppressing feelings doesn't make them go away. Observe it, but take some distance from it and don't go with it. It's just an insecurity from the past, a reverberation which exists, but to which you don't need to attach meaning or identify with. Breathe through it.

 

Does your girlfriend know your story about the wound? If she does, if you tell her what had happened, perhaps she'll be more sensitive about it and not interact with that guy profusely. If I were you, I'd probably be open with her, but - importantly - not in an accusatory way, since one must presume innocence unless proven guilty.

 

Well, this was a ramble. But for my case, I have learnt the following: I would rather be a fool who innocently and unwittingly gets used, than another type of fool who accuses an innocent person and lashes out. Of course, it's better not to be any kind of fool at all, but again, how much of life can we control? - we can only control our response to a situation, nothing else.

[reinventmyself]

You need to focus on the one thing you have over him. . you have the girl.

 

There will always be someone else in their closet and you can't allow that to rattle you. If you do you'll never date again.

Repeated exposure to the things that cause you anxiety.

You need to learn to self soothe, take in information and trust yourself.

 

No one should pay for the sins of the person before us.

We all pretty much have been disappointed one way or another by someone.

Refuse to give into your fears.

 

Good luck!

[Vossen1876]

Agree completely, I need to get back to the level I was at the start of our relationship. Confident, funny and kind, basically the person I fell in love with.

 

From what I' heard the tall guy was a bit jealous of me, when he came over in the group I think he tried a bit of a power play saying "are you her carer?" and "she's a hand full" which on reflection I know it's a jibe about her boob size.

 

I might have to see him today, so I'm going to be calm, collected and relaxed.

[Vossen1876]

we've been togather about 2 months and over the last few weeks it's cropped up, I think she now knows it's a trigger so she's agreed to work on it.

 

 

Well, it doesn't seem like there is anything going on between them anymore, even if there was a one night they shared in the past - the past before she met you. Past is past, we all have it.

Just to be clear, how long ago did that night between them happen? Was it a while or recent? And how long have you and she been together now?

 

I can relate to past wounds affecting present. In my case, my insecurity was related to being used and abandoned, not cheating. But it was also really difficult to distinguish whether it was my "instinct" or just knee-jerk reactions to what I perceived was happening to me again. In the end, it ended up being the latter. The new guy was fine. However, during few times when I was convinced that it was the old thing happening again, I let the past feelings cloud my judgement and said a lot of stupid things to him. They hurt him needlessly and left a scar.

 

So, - if I understand correctly - I know what it can be like, that senseless anxiety, the "what if", forgetting that she is a new person, not your ex. But until and unless a person gives you a clear reason to doubt them, - don't. She shouldn't be punished for what happened to you before. Moreover, you'll look insecure and like a fool (as I did in my case). Not only is it unpleasant, it can also hurt the other's feelings.

 

I also have an old friend who is married, and his wife is so jealous and suspicious all the time, he doesn't know how to convince her that he is faithful (which he very much is). It really made him miserable and frustrated at times, always accused and suspected. He is afraid to talk to any females. And they are married already with kids. If such things happen in a fresh relationship, it can be even harder to keep it together.

 

Think about it: if your worst fear happens, it will happen anyway. There is nothing anyone can do to contol another person or to control life. But IF it happens, at least you won't have contributed by being distrustful and driving her away. And you'll be more dignified for it. And the more likely - if it doesn't happen, then you'll feel good about yourself that you got through your anxiety and didn't let the darkness from the past wound damage something good in the present.

 

Right now, this suspicion and the resulting anxiety is in your head. So, it is not reality and not real. Try to treat it as some foreign entity. You don't have to deny your anxiety - sometimes suppressing feelings doesn't make them go away. Observe it, but take some distance from it and don't go with it. It's just an insecurity from the past, a reverberation which exists, but to which you don't need to attach meaning or identify with. Breathe through it.

 

Does your girlfriend know your story about the wound? If she does, if you tell her what had happened, perhaps she'll be more sensitive about it and not interact with that guy profusely. If I were you, I'd probably be open with her, but - importantly - not in an accusatory way, since one must presume innocence unless proven guilty.

 

Well, this was a ramble. But for my case, I have learnt the following: I would rather be a fool who innocently and unwittingly gets used, than another type of fool who accuses an innocent person and lashes out. Of course, it's better not to be any kind of fool at all, but again, how much of life can we control? - we can only control our response to a situation, nothing else.

[Vossen1876]

Agree completely, I need to get back to the level I was at the start of our relationship. Confident, funny and kind, basically the person she fell in love with.

 

From what I' heard the tall guy was a bit jealous of me, when he came over in the group I think he tried a bit of a power play saying "are you her carer?" and "she's a hand full" which on reflection I know it's a jibe about her boob size.

 

I might have to see him today, so I'm going to be calm, collected and relaxed.

 

You have to think of you as being the threat to him. If you show a lack of confidence and get all anxious whenever the subject of "him" is brought up, then I promise It will end up being a turn off to her. Nothing will turn a girl off quicker than being intimidated by another guy. And thats because it displays a lack of confidence. I totally understand the humiliation of your ex leaving you for someone else. Ive been there bro. I know from experience how bad it sucks. But you have to convince yourself that it was her own insecurities that led to that and that it was not your fault.

Be confident man. There is nothing that turns a girl on more than that. If you convince yourself that this guy is NOT a threat and show her that you aren't the least bit bothered by her interactions with him, I promise that she will want you more. And don't "tell her" you aren't bothered by it. Show her. And the way you do that is through your body language; the way you carry yourself. Next time he is brought up, sit there like he is the furthest worry from your mind. Better yet, grab her up and get physical with her (romantically of course). You are the top dog bro. Who is with her right now? You are dammit! This guy is just some dude. And when you see him, don't be threatened by him. Be cool with him. Show even him that you aren't the least bit threatened by him. I promise ya, if you show either one of them weakness, they will move in for the kill.

[Vossen1876]

Thank you for the advice, really appreciate it

 

You need to focus on the one thing you have over him. . you have the girl.

 

There will always be someone else in their closet and you can't allow that to rattle you. If you do you'll never date again.

Repeated exposure to the things that cause you anxiety.

You need to learn to self soothe, take in information and trust yourself.

 

No one should pay for the sins of the person before us.

We all pretty much have been disappointed one way or another by someone.

Refuse to give into your fears.

 

Good luck!