Need advice on a messy situation, can I get her back?

[ElCrazay]

Hi,

 

I posted a thread yesterday explaining my situation but it was a long post. If you require backstory you can find my post in the breakup section.

 

So, my problem is that I have a possibility of reconciliation with my ex. She even strongly hinted so before we broke up, but the chances are still slim. But I'm conflicted in that I told her I was going to change and stop lying and become a better, more trustworthy person (we broke up over her discovering my light cheating, trust issues, lies, etc), but I didn't tell her about my major physical cheating incident with another woman, who also did not know I was in a relationship at the time with my ex.

I lied to two women. Yeah, no proud of it, in fact I just feel horrible about it, and I'm not defending myself with mental illness here but I was, (and still am, but trying to get better) severely depressed with financial problems, Uni, etc. I ran from the situation and lied about it instead of coming clean.

 

So since neither know of my cheating...if I am to have any form of reconciliation with my ex, I want it to be on a clean slate. But I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily anymore than I already have.

There is the option of telling the other girl I lied to her but that might backfire and my ex might find out from someone else, which isn't good either.

Or, I could do nothing...

 

I need help on this one. Please

[Wiseman2]

What's done is done and can't be undone. Agree that this disclosure post-breakup would be the final nail in the coffin and serves no purpose other than to unload your guilt.

I have a possibility of reconciliation with my ex. we broke up over her discovering my light cheating, trust issues, lies, etc), but I didn't tell her about my major physical cheating incident with another woman I am to have any form of reconciliation with my ex, I want it to be on a clean slate. But I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily anymore than I already have. There is the option of telling the other girl I lied to her but that might backfire and my ex might find out from someone else, which isn't good either.

[ElCrazay]

I agree what's done is done, but I'm not so much looking to unload my guilt, but if she values truth should I just tell her because it's the right thing to do?

[Wiseman2]

She may value truth, but telling her about more extensive cheating will not get her back.

I agree what's done is done, but I'm not so much looking to unload my guilt, but if she values truth should I just tell her because it's the right thing to do?

[ElCrazay]

That is true, it won't get her back, and I don't want to use it as tool to get her back...and I know I cannot predict this, but I want to at least have a friendship with her and this just pops up and she might think I never changed at all by hiding this from her. That saying 'the truth will set you free' is difficult to apply to my situation.

Would confessing to the other girl be of any use so she at least doesn't have a liar in her life?

I'm so lost on this one

[Alone soul]

It depends of what kind of person she is. If she forgets you for lying to her and cheating, and she belives that you can change and if she loves you sooo much, than you got the girl. Try to be with her like at the very start. Try to start again, if she agrees, of course. Maybe this will work. Just try, and fight for her.

[Wiseman2]

They will just hate you even more. You are no longer with either of them so why backtrack and stab them with this?

 

It's kind of cruel since they have already moved on. In this instance you are disguising "truth" as a means to hurt people and create unwanted drama.

 

Ok what kind of logic is "I'll get her friendship by telling her the massive extent of my cheating, after she already dumped me"? I want to at least have a friendship with her and this just pops up and she might think I never changed at all by hiding this from her. Would confessing to the other girl be of any use so she at least doesn't have a liar in her life? I'm so lost on this one

[J Miracle]

I'm sorry but you make zero sense. You can pretty much forget about being friends, and especially forget about reconciliation. You cheated, the train for truth telling has come and gone. Live with your guilt. do yourself and these 2 girls a favor and keep your cheating past to yourself.

[holistic17]

Nope. You lost her with your unfaithful acts. Have some respect for her and let her live her own life. There is absolutely no reason why you should be friends. That needs a level of trust too. I expect you lost her trust with the "light" cheating. You go and tell her what you really did and don't expect anything positive from this.

Sorry, you made your decisions and now you're dealing with the consequences. Let this be a lesson not to betray a woman's love for you. Move on.

[warrior1]

They will just hate you even more. You are no longer with either of them so why backtrack and stab them with this?

 

It's kind of cruel since they have already moved on. In this instance you are disguising "truth" as a means to hurt people and create unwanted drama.

 

Ok what kind of logic is "I'll get her friendship by telling her the massive extent of my cheating, after she already dumped me"?

 

i agree with Wiseman, its not going to help. She knows that you have cheated already, she doesnt need to know details. I think you should think about spending time alone and thinking about WHY you cheated, before you try and get back into a relationship. What was missing in the relationship for you to have looked elsewhere?

[boltnrun]

LOL what is "light cheating"? Is that like being "kind of " pregnant?

[ElCrazay]

Light as in nothing physical, emotional only.

 

I appreciate the responses. I should probably say that she is the one who wants to remain friends, she told me she doesn't want to let me 'go' just yet...am I just supposed to walk away because I'm hiding this from her?

I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I cheated in the first place, and I think I know...this whole no contact thing gets you thinking.

[boltnrun]

So you only fell in love with another woman or women, but you didn't get the opportunity to actually have sex with her/them?

 

You know that's often perceived as worse than a quick one night stand because you actually had feelings for someone other than the one you purported to be committed to.

 

People can think of all kinds of justifications for cheating, but bottom line it's never a solution. It's just a lazy way to try to get some excitement or some sex or ego boosting on the side.

 

Maybe you're just not ready to be in a mature, committed relationship.

[shaikah]

Light as in nothing physical, emotional only.

 

I appreciate the responses. I should probably say that she is the one who wants to remain friends, she told me she doesn't want to let me 'go' just yet...am I just supposed to walk away because I'm hiding this from her?

I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I cheated in the first place, and I think I know...this whole no contact thing gets you thinking.

 

Can i ask u question?

 

what makes a guy WANTS his ex-girlfriend back??

 

cuz i want my ex bf back but i dont know what will change his mind IM TIRED

[ElCrazay]

I didn't fall in love with these other women...my ex, I don't think I mentioned it in this thread but my other one where I had the complete story, had previously cheated on me, which broke my self confidence, but also she was difficult to understand at times. As in, she wanted me to be open with my emotions, and yet, if I sobbed about something which in her opinion didn't really need crying about, she would tell me to 'man up'. She is quite traditional, and yet, not always.

There is no excuse for cheating, but certain factors, including depression, financial problems, pressure from University and my low self confidence and a whole load of smaller factors played a part in me making my choices.

I regret them, nothing I can do to change what I did. But despite all this I always put her first, took care of her, made her feel nice, made her laugh, all to the best of my ability. I just had so much shame because of what I did, I didn't want to disappoint her.

 

I do love her...just because I cheated, that doesn't stop the fact I did. So to answer your question, shalkah, I guess I would appeal to his softer side.

Then again, you asked me this, and I feel alone in my situation, so not sure if I give the best advice.

[shaikah]

I didn't fall in love with these other women...my ex, I don't think I mentioned it in this thread but my other one where I had the complete story, had previously cheated on me, which broke my self confidence, but also she was difficult to understand at times. As in, she wanted me to be open with my emotions, and yet, if I sobbed about something which in her opinion didn't really need crying about, she would tell me to 'man up'. She is quite traditional, and yet, not always.

There is no excuse for cheating, but certain factors, including depression, financial problems, pressure from University and my low self confidence and a whole load of smaller factors played a part in me making my choices.

I regret them, nothing I can do to change what I did. But despite all this I always put her first, took care of her, made her feel nice, made her laugh, all to the best of my ability. I just had so much shame because of what I did, I didn't want to disappoint her.

 

I do love her...just because I cheated, that doesn't stop the fact I did. So to answer your question, shalkah, I guess I would appeal to his softer side.

Then again, you asked me this, and I feel alone in my situation, so not sure if I give the best advice.

 

I'm in the same situation as yours.. I don't know what to do anymore.. hopeless

[ElCrazay]

Feel free to share, shalkah, hearing another perspective might help the both of us.

 

I've accepted that there is a high chance I won't get her back, but it doesn't stop me feeling love for her...

[shaikah]

Feel free to share, shalkah, hearing another perspective might help the both of us.

 

I've accepted that there is a high chance I won't get her back, but it doesn't stop me feeling love for her...

 

did u do the "no contact" with her? make her need u

and dont ever tell her that u will change.. just show it

 

for me thats my post if u wanna help mee

 

 

[ElCrazay]

did u do the "no contact" with her? make her need u

and dont ever tell her that u will change.. just show it

 

for me thats my post if u wanna help mee

 

]

 

It's been two weeks no contact, three since the breakup, so far nothing yet, but I'm hoping....and I will show it, but, as my situation says in the first post I'm conflicted, if she knows about my biggest cheating incident then it may just push her away forever.

[shaikah]

It's been two weeks no contact, three since the breakup, so far nothing yet, but I'm hoping....and I will show it, but, as my situation says in the first post I'm conflicted, if she knows about my biggest cheating incident then it may just push her away forever.

 

if she really loves u she will forgive u but it takes time .. am i right?

[ElCrazay]

if she really loves u she will forgive u but it takes time .. am i right?

 

In theory yeah, but not everyone is forgiving so easily...depends on the person, I guess.

[boltnrun]

She'd probably think "if he really loved me he wouldn't have cheated on me".

[shaikah]

In theory yeah, but not everyone is forgiving so easily...depends on the person, I guess.

 

after the breakup me and my ex.. he was in a rebound relationship and I knew it by myself

but I forgive him cuz I love him so much no matter he will do to me

 

so if she really loves you ..she have to talk to u about it and solve it.. and forgive u by time..

[ElCrazay]

She'd probably think "if he really loved me he wouldn't have cheated on me".

 

That might be true, but if she cheated on me in the past and yet still loved me, it would feel like a double standard. But then again this whole situation feels like smoke and mirrors from my side, so yeah.

I guess I have to accept the risk that ever telling her about this if we ever speak again might backfire, or she will forgive me. I don't expect her to, but one can only hope

[ElCrazay]

after the breakup me and my ex.. he was in a rebound relationship and I knew it by myself

but I forgive him cuz I love him so much no matter he will do to me

 

so if she really loves you ..she have to talk to u about it and solve it.. and forgive u by time..

 

I guess, only time will tell. I don't know how to talk to her about it, hell I don't even know how to approach talking to her again...